Tips for Parents and Caregivers
Pre-Kindergarten
The information and tips below have been adapted from the Today Show's Parenting Guides. Please keep in mind that preschoolers are extremely different in their rate of development and your child may even excel in one area and lag in another.
During the pre-kindergarten years, children are learning very quickly. While children at this age may have short attention spans, they often learn best by being read to, playing pretend and observing others, especially you. By setting a strong example, you can show your child how to be socially and emotionally intelligent.
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Your child should be able to use words like sad or happy to talk about their feelings. Your child should also start to explain why your child feels sad or happy in specific cases. For example, your child may be able to tell you that going to preschool or visiting friends and family makes their feel happy.
At the ages of three and four, your child is likely to increase the words she uses to describe her feelings. She also has likes and dislikes, and her own unique personality. Your child is learning more about herself, and part of building that self-awareness is learning her strengths and weaknesses as well.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Let your kids know their feelings are important
It can be tempting to tell your child to “stop overreacting” or “stop getting upset” when they get frustrated over something that seems small to you -- like struggling with a toy or puzzle. Treating your child’s feelings like they’re not important can make them feel bad about their emotions or their reactions. Instead, validate their feelings by saying something like, “It can be frustrating when that toy falls apart, can’t it? I get frustrated sometimes too. Let’s see if we can fix it together.” This will help your child learn that their feelings matter and that you’re there to help.
Take some time to talk about how you are feeling during the day
Find opportunities to reflect on your day and describe how you felt to your child. It could be while you’re brushing your teeth, or tucking your child in at night. Perhaps you were happy when an old friend sent an email, or upset by a customer at work. Using time to reflect and explain to your child your thoughts and actions allows your child to see how other people feel as well.
Teach your child it's O.K. to ask for help
Part of self-awareness is knowing your challenges, and asking for help when it’s needed is showing self-awareness. Tell your child, “If you need help, say, ‘Help,’ and I’ll be there to jump in,” but until your child asks, try to stand back. The lesson is in struggling and understanding when to seek assistance.
At ages three and four your child is more aware of their feelings than they were when they were younger, but your child usually has a hard time handling those emotions. If your child thinks something is funny your child may laugh and laugh and laugh, even at inappropriate times, which can be frustrating for parents. Or if they are angry your child may throw a tantrum or suddenly start crying.
You may notice your child trying to calm themselves down when upset – for example, by hugging a stuffed animal or taking comfort in a favorite pillow or blanket – which means they are starting to develop their self-management skills.
At this age, your child may not be able to control their feelings or understand how to handle them. For example, they may take toys away from siblings or friends, or even bite or hit, when they are angry. It is your job to teach them appropriate behavior.
You can also teach your child the goal-setting aspect of self-management, which will help they grow older. Goals at this age should be considered more like routines which will help your child understand what is expected of them. For example, brushing teeth before bed is a simple goal or routine at this age.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Part of self-management is simply learning acceptable behavior
Help your child learn what is expected of him by giving clear directions. For example, instead of saying, “Please clean up your toys,” say, “Please put your toy trucks into the red bin, and your book on the shelf.” By explaining exactly what your child should do, you’re giving him concrete examples of what you expect. “Clean up your toys” can mean different things to you and your child, and if your child doesn’t understand yet what that means it can be confusing and lead to frustration for both of you. Tell your child why we do certain things. For example, “Please put your toys in the red bin and your book on the shelf so that you will be able to find them easily and your room will look nice and clean. Thank you for being so helpful!”
Help your child learn routines
You can help your child learn routines by making a poster together or drawing on a dry erase board what each day looks like. Draw a picture of eating breakfast, brushing teeth, going to school, picking up toys, eating dinner, brushing teeth, and going to sleep. Increase your child’s investment in the routine by offering choices during some of the actions. For example, “Which would you rather do first, brush your teeth or put on your pajamas?” Hang the picture or poster where your child can see it. Put a sticker or star next to the activity each time your child completes it. This is a great way for your child to learn self-management through routines and also work on early goal-setting.
Teach your child to blow bubbles as a way to manage anger or stress
First, blow bubbles with your child when they are not upset. While blowing bubbles, talk about how the next time your child is upset or mad your child can blow imaginary bubbles to make themselves feel better. In the moment, remind your child by saying, “Why don’t you blow bubbles to calm down?” instead of just, “Calm down!” By giving your child a tool to calm themselves (breathing deeply by “blowing bubbles”), you’re teaching her coping strategies for dealing with emotions rather than inappropriate strategies like throwing a tantrum or acting out.
Never underestimate the power of your influence on your child
Your child learns a lot from you and will often copy your actions. Try to manage your emotions as much as you are able. If you’re upset or frustrated, it’s O.K. to take a break and step away from the situation for a time to let yourself cool down. Try to talk through your feelings and calming strategies with your child, too. When stuck in traffic you could say, “I’m so frustrated by this traffic jam and I’m worried we’re going to be late. I’m going to take some deep breaths and count to ten instead of blowing my horn or yelling.” This will show your child that everyone has feelings and behaviors they have to control.
Teach your child to apologize
Children are not always going to be able to control their feelings and behavior. By giving your child a tool or technique for when they hurt someone’s feelings or behave inappropriately, you’re teaching an important skill they can turn to throughout their life.
Make a "keep calm" area in your home
It is a place where your child can go when they need to take a step away and calm down. It doesn't need to be away from everyone or everything, but simply a comfortable area and clearly marked. Some parents get a small square of carpet to put in a corner of a room, with a pillow or stuffed animal. This is especially useful when your child has a tantrum. Asking him or her to go to the “keep calm” area can make the tantrum less serious. The “keep calm” area can also serve as a source of security: if your child knows there’s a place to go to calm down and they can leave as soon as they feel better.
During the pre-kindergarten years, children are learning very quickly. While children at this age may have short attention spans, they often learn best by being read to, playing pretend, and observing others, especially you. By setting a strong example, you can show your child how to be socially and emotionally intelligent.
Preschoolers are learning how to identify what others are feeling based on their facial expressions and body language. As your child interacts with their classmates and teachers, they are gaining a better sense of other people’s emotions, perspectives, and behaviors.
During this phase, your child is learning that others have different points of view and that these differences may have consequences in their interactions. They are also gaining a better understanding of the social norms of behavior, like staying quiet during storytime or lining up with the other students during lunchtime. Young children need a lot of reminders on the road to becoming socially aware, so don’t expect to see your child displaying much of this skill on their own.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Try role-playing with your child
Begin by naming feelings like happy, sad, or tired, and take turns with your child acting them out and guessing what emotion is being shown. Choose a new feeling (such as angry), and ask your child to think about someone who is angry and what might make them feel that way. Ask how your child can tell when someone is angry. If your child does not seem to know, point out the facial expressions or postures that denote anger (as well as other feelings you might choose).
Use storytime to develop your child's social awareness
You can read books like "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day," by Judith Viorst, with your child. As you go through the story, stop and point out the feelings or reactions of the characters and ask your child how they would feel or what they would do if they were in a similar situation. Ask how the actions of the characters in the books made others feel, and have them act out those emotions. It is very important to use the illustrations in the books to develop your child’s social awareness. High-quality children’s books tend to have very expressive illustrations, like the drawings in author Mo Willem’s "Elephant and Piggie" books.
Talk to your child about real-life social interactions
Highlight a conversation you had with a friend, family member, or clerk at the supermarket that happened while your child was present. Ask them to describe the words, body language, and facial expressions that were exchanged. Ask what your child thought the other person felt at the end of the conversation, and ask them to use their stuffed animals to show you what your child would have done in that situation. Have a few cues that remind your child of what behavior is best for a situation. For example, if they are going with the family to a wedding, remind them that it is a place for their “inside” or “library” voice even if it is outdoors.
Ask your child about the behavior and feelings of pets
Talk to your child about empathy by asking how a pet might be feeling. For example, you can ask how the family dog may be feeling after not getting a treat or when they are reprimanded for jumping on the couch. It is also good to ask your child about the consequences of your pet’s unintentional actions and relate it to the unintentional actions of younger children who might take their toys or demand their attention.
During the pre-kindergarten years, children are learning very quickly. While children at this age may have short attention spans, they often learn best by being read to, playing pretend, and observing others, especially you. By setting a strong example, you can show your child how to be socially and emotionally intelligent.
At this age, your preschooler will likely move from parallel play, in which your child might be playing alongside or near a peer but not with them, to associative play, where two or more children are playing in the same space, and sharing some play items. Your child should then move on to cooperative or group play, where your child plays together with other children and needs to communicate, cooperate, take turns, wait, and share. Children progress differently through these stages, but by the time they enter preschool, they should be showing some signs of successful cooperative play.
When your child meets new people, they are learning how to interact with others and pay attention when they are speaking. As your child forges friendships, they are becoming better able to identify the relationships they have and the traits of a good friend.
Although your young child may have difficulty expressing empathy when a classmate invades their space or takes their toys, an older child’s social management skills should be more developed. Group projects and team activities help strengthen these skills, but remember that this is an ongoing process and it may take some time before your preschooler is consistently able to share and be polite.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Set a good example
Remember that you are setting the example that your child will follow, and if you are aware of your own behavior, you will be better prepared to help your child deal with his or her emotions, relationships, and interactions. When your child sees you being patient, kind, honest, and empathetic with him and others, but also speaking up for yourself when necessary, he is provided with a blueprint of proper social behavior. In particular, think about how you “play with others” when you are with your child. If you are with a group of other parents and you are all on your electronic devices, your child will see this as acceptable behavior. Let your child see you interacting with your peers in cooperative ways.
Teach your child the art of conversation
You are boosting your child’s relationship-building skills and providing her with lessons on how to listen and join in conversations through your verbal exchanges. Ask questions about things that matter to her and take a moment to really listen to the response. Pay attention to the nonverbal cues that you are modeling.
Talk to your child about friends
Try talking to him about his friends, and discuss his experiences with peers in a pleasant, conversational way. For example, you can ask him, “Did you make any new friends at school?” or “Did you share your toys with your friend Freddy today?” or “Why did you get upset with your sister? How do you think that made her feel?” Don’t expect a lot of great answers, but do look for gradual improvement in the connections of your questions and his answers, as well as the length of his answers.
Help your child manage conflict
It may be challenging for you not to step in immediately and try to make everything better for your child, but this can harm their ability to find solutions for themselves. Instead, work with your child to find a solution to problems they may be having. Watch how your child handles difficult moments with their peers and try to wait to step in until you see things might not be going well. Sometime shortly after, even at bedtime, help your child review those situations and work their way through a problem with your guidance. Ask questions about what your child thinks they could do in this situation if it happens again, and what the consequences of their particular action will be. You may also want to use puppets or stuffed animals to act out conflicts that your child may be having, like struggling to share a toy with a classmate, or knowing what to say when someone is mean to him or her on the playground.
At this age, your child should be able to make decisions based on your rules and values, like sharing with others and taking turns. Your child is also learning how to recognize decisions that hurt others, like yelling at siblings and friends. Your preschooler should be able to make decisions based on the options you give. For example, “Do you want to wear pants or a skirt today?”
Your child must weigh the impact of their choice on both themself and others. It is through making choices that he or she learns about hurting or helping others, and gains important relationship and problem-solving skills. Will she share a new toy with a friend? Or will he keep it all to himself? Preschool often marks a time when children are transitioning to a formal school setting, and in doing so, they are starting to make decisions based on their own interests.
When your child is this age, it is up to you to manage the choices he or she makes while also giving them the freedom to make their own choices. For example, “Do you want cereal or eggs for breakfast” is a better way to give small children a choice than an open-ended, “What do you want for breakfast?”
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Allow kids to make some choices on their own
As a parent, it may be tempting to step in and make all of the decisions for your child, but this doesn’t allow them to grow their decision-making skills. Instead, at this young age, allow them to make simple choices where you set the boundaries. For example, asking, “Do you want carrots or broccoli with dinner tonight?” instead of, “What vegetable do you want?” makes the decision easier on both of you. You’re allowing a choice, but both choices are good.
Teach your child where to seek help
Knowing whom to go to for help can also be a part of responsible decision-making. Even at this age, you can teach your child about the adults in their life to whom your child can turn. When you’re out with your child, take a little time to point out the “helper adults” in the area. For example, a security officer at the mall or a police station near your local park. Tell your child that if you ever get separated in these areas your child can go here for help.