Tips for Parents and Caregivers
6th Grade
The information and tips below have been adapted from the Today Show's Parenting Guides. Please keep in mind that every child develops at a different rate, resulting in different behaviors at each grade level.
During the middle-school years, young people are in transition from childhood to adolescence, and this can have an effect on their behavior. This phase is marked by emotional and physical growth. The onset of puberty may also make some teens unpredictable or moody and can cause them to feel out of control of their changing bodies. You can help your teen navigate through these years by taking the time to listen to his concerns and providing guidance and encouragement.
Back to Parent Page
Self-awareness is knowing yourself. It’s identifying your emotions, strengths, and challenges, and knowing how your emotions affect your behavior. At this age, middle-schoolers often become much more influenced by their feelings, but may not be aware of how these emotions influence their behavior. When they build self-awareness, they can recognize their emotional triggers and strengths. They may seek out groups, clubs, or classes that appeal to their strengths, and they may have more realistic expectations for themselves when it comes to their challenges. Self-awareness is key to managing actions and setting goals for the future; it is a skill that will help your child thrive.
Your middle-schooler may be able to accurately identify their emotions and the complexities of different emotions like jealousy, disappointment, and pride. Your child may also be able to identify the causes of certain emotions, like stress, anger, or excitement.
Your middle-schooler is also developing a better understanding of their strengths and challenges and may begin making choices based on that understanding. For example, if your child has a talent in music and elects to take a choir class instead of a gym class even though their friends are all taking gym, they are showing self-awareness.
Don’t be surprised if your child’s self-awareness appears inconsistent. Director of Rutgers Social and Emotional Learning Lab Maurice Elias says that your child may not be confident enough to truly know their emotions and not doubt them if their peers feel differently. Self-awareness may be inconsistent as your child sorts out what your child really believes about their feelings and what your child thinks their friends want them to feel.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Try to talk with your child about his feelings regularly
It may be hard at this age to engage your child in a long discussion about emotions, but taking a couple of minutes a day to ask “What made you feel good today?” or “Did anything upset you today?” is a great way to show you care. Try to avoid questions that will get a “yes” or “no” answer to create more conversation. New York City-based teacher Anne Harlam suggests also talking about your own feelings. For example, “I’m really stressed out about this deadline at work” or “I’m really excited to spend time with the family this weekend.” Even if there isn’t always a discussion started, simply by providing daily interactions around their emotions you’re creating an environment where your child knows your child can talk to you. This will make him more likely to talk to you when they are ready to, or really needs to.
Be careful not to tell your child how he feels
Director of Rutgers Social and Emotional Learning Lab Maurice Elias says that it’s better to say what you see. For example, “It looks like you are feeling conflicted about going to that party, because you are not acting as excited as you usually do,” or “You say you are not nervous about the test, but you are very fidgety when you are trying to sit down and study.” By saying what you see, you signal to them how they look and it gives them a chance to correct you, explain, or perhaps deny what you said, but still have that feedback. This is different from saying, “You don’t really want to go to that party, do you?” or “I can’t believe you aren’t nervous about that test.”
Make sure your child has other trusted adults she can turn to
During adolescence, children often pull away from their parents, and they may not discuss important topics as much. Try not to take it personally, and point to other trusted adults your child can talk to about concerns, dreams or friendships. A close family friend, cousin, grandparent, aunt, teacher or school counselor could be an adult your child could turn to. Take the time to get to know the adults with whom your child is interacting to make sure they are safe mentors for them.
Be supportive of your child
Many children entering adolescence are more self-conscious than when they were younger, as their bodies are changing and they experience more social pressure. Let your sixth-grader know you’re always there to listen and, if they ask for it, offer advice. Try sharing stories of embarrassing times you had growing up, and encourage older siblings or family members to share as well. Having the reassurance of a supportive and empathetic parent can help them through feelings of self-doubt and self-consciousness.
Encourage your child to explore his strengths
Even if your child excels in an area that might not be popular, like a certain sport, playing a certain instrument, or joining certain clubs, their ability to recognize their strength and value in an unpopular area is self-awareness. Acting upon that strength and developing it further is a way to really show self-awareness, especially at this age when peer acceptance and pressure is so prevalent. Tom Hoerr, who is Head of School at New City School in St. Louis, recommends praising their effort, energy, and participation instead of focusing on the final outcome.
Look for opportunities to just listen
Education consultant Jennifer Miller notes that children may not confide in you at convenient times or when you ask them direct questions. However, if you create a trusting and open listening environment, they will be more likely to open up to you when they are ready. At those times, listen actively and ask questions. Try not to offer solutions to problems immediately. Instead, discuss the problem and allow them the chance to think for themselves about their own issues.
Self-management is the ability to control emotions and behaviors sparked by those emotions. For example, a person showing self-management is able to calm down, not yell or act out, in moments of anger or frustration. Self-management is also being able to set and work toward goals, both personal and academic. As your child becomes a teenager, his ability to manage his emotions develops further. He will become better able to understand the consequences of his actions and to weigh the benefits and costs of certain behaviors, but he may not always act accordingly. Middle school can be a difficult time for parents and children alike, as your child develops more independence and starts pushing boundaries. By continuing to support your child’s self-management growth, you can guide him to becoming a responsible young adult.
In middle school, your child may be able to recognize the cause of certain emotions and change their behavior accordingly. For example, your sixth grader may realize they get sweaty palms and feel anxious when taking a test they haven't studied for. They may then decide to make time to study for the next test so they don't feel as stressed.
Your child may have developed strategies to manage their stress, like taking deep breaths, talking to themselves to calm down, or exercising. Your middle-schooler may also be able to overcome their emotions by refocusing their energy. For example, if they are feeling left out by not being in the starting lineup for their basketball game, they might manage to overcome that disappointment and cheer on their teammates.
Don’t be surprised if your sixth-grader excels at self-management one day and not the next. Many children are emotionally volatile at this age, and self-management is an ongoing development.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Be an example of self-management
At this age, some children may say that their parents are “stupid” or “don’t understand anything,” but parents are still one of the biggest influences in their lives. It can be frustrating to deal with a middle-schooler who may seem more difficult than in their younger years, but by maintaining your own composure, remaining calm, and addressing your child with respect, you can show them what self-management looks like. Try to remember that you will feel better if you’re able to maintain your calm when dealing with them, and try to talk through your strategies, too. For example, “I’m going to count to ten before I respond to your question.” You might be surprised when you see your actions reflected in your child.
Remind your child that there are consequences to her actions
Slamming doors, yelling, or acting out against family members or friends may happen frequently at this age. When your sixth-grader has calmed down from an outburst, talk to them about how their actions reflect on their and affect the family. For example, they may scare a younger sibling or pet when slamming doors, or they may hurt a friend’s feelings when acting out. You might also point out a time where they were able to handle a similar situation better. By pointing out their self-management skills and how their actions affect others and their perceptions of her, you are giving them a tool to see the impact of their behavior on the people who matter to them -- including themselves.
Give your child household tasks to complete each week
These shouldn’t be considered “chores” but simply tasks that everyone in the family has to do to keep the household running smoothly. Emphasize that everyone in the family has tasks to do and it’s part of being a team, or family. your child could be in charge of taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, feeding the family pet, or sorting and folding laundry. Allow them a choice in which task your child does, but stay firm that your child needs to choose something. By doing a task they may or may not enjoy, they are learning more self-management and responsibility, as well as how to be an active member of the community.
Social awareness involves having a strong sense of empathy—the ability to understand and respect the perspectives of others—and applying it to social interactions with people from diverse backgrounds. At this age, your teen is developing their sense of empathy and they are learning how to behave appropriately in a variety of social settings. During the middle-school years, your child’s friendships become increasingly important to her, and your child may be more concerned about how their peers perceive him. Young people’s interest in sexuality and gender also grows at this age, and they are figuring out their role in romantic relationships. The physical and emotional changes of puberty may also affect your middle-schooler’s moods and the way your child approaches social interactions and relationships. You can help their deal with these changes by listening to their concerns and finding positive ways to build their social skills.
At this age, your teen should understand the need to apply empathy to their social interactions, and your child should be better able to identify the feelings and intentions of others. their ability to adjust their behavior to meet the needs of others should also improve during these years. Your teen may not always put empathy into action, however, since adolescents are often more concerned about their social standing. This may cause them to focus on how others perceive him, rather than on their feelings.
During this phase, your adolescent may crave the attention of their friends and classmates more than ever as your child tries to define their own identity away from you. Middle-schoolers are eager to be accepted, have friends, and belong to the popular crowd, which can lead to hurt feelings if they are not part of a group. Your child may also show less affection to you, and the changes brought on by puberty can cause mood swings and unpredictable feelings.
Many young people also become more interested in sexuality and gender during these years. Being there for your adolescent and making them feel secure in themselves and their abilities may be the best way to help them deal with the social challenges of middle school, even if your child seems to resist your support at times.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Keep the communication lines open
Your child’s social world broadens during middle school, and it’s important to take the time to regularly talk to him openly and honestly about their feelings and friendships. Whether it’s at the dinner table or right before their bedtime, have frequent chats with him about their social life and their role as a friend. Try not to be too judgmental while having these discussions, as this can cause him to withhold information or not want to talk about these issues at all. Director of Rutgers Social and Emotional Learning Lab Maurice Elias says that it’s good to always offer to drive for your adolescent and their friends. your child adds that you will learn a great deal by listening to their conversations in the car, and you will also get to know more about your child’s friends and what they are doing.
Nurture your adolescent's empathy
Middle school is an awkward time for any young person. It may involve a move to a larger school with more peers and going between classrooms for the first time. Your child may feel uncertain in this new and shifting social scene. Your child may also be nervous about making friends. By talking to him and explaining that everyone else is going through the same challenges, you can help him better-understand their peers and the importance of using empathy in their social interactions. You may also want to encourage him to make new friends or join school clubs and organizations to get to know different people. New York City-based teacher Anne Harlam adds that if your teen is more introverted, you should try not to push him into social situations or put too much pressure on him to meet new people. your child suggests that you allow your adolescent to make friendships at a pace with which they are comfortable, and give him the support that your child may need to overcome their social challenges.
Get to know your middle-schooler's guidance counselor
Maurice Elias says that counselors can be a good source of information about what is happening in school, and if you notice changes in your child’s behavior that you can’t explain, you can check in with them. There could be things happening at school that you should know about, particularly bullying or cyberbullying. The counselor can be a big help in understanding and, in some cases, reaching out to your adolescent.
Books can spark conversations about bullying
Many schools have programs about these topics that involve books and other readings, and finding out about these can open up conversations about their content with your adolescent. If your child seems to have some concerns about bullying, look for natural opportunities to mention books about the topic, like Freak by Marcella Pixley, Wonder by R. J. Palacio, and Cornered: 14 Stories of Bullying and Defiance by Rhoda Belleza. These books lead naturally to a discussion about the forms that bullying can take. You can also ask her if she’s ever dealt with bullying or cyberbullying, and work together to figure out ways your child can handle these types of situations in the future.
The ability to interact in meaningful and productive ways with others and to maintain healthy relationships with diverse individuals and groups helps contribute to a person’s overall success. During these years, your adolescent is learning more about how their feelings and behaviors affect others and gaining a better understanding of how relationships work. Your adolescent’s social world broadens as your child enters middle school, and friendships, popularity, and being accepted become very important to her. The middle-school years bring about many challenges, especially between children and parents, as parents tend to focus on safety and academic and personal growth, while adolescents often care more about how they are perceived by their peers. Remember that every child develops at a different pace. Practicing these skills with your child can help their better-understand the intricacies of social interactions and provide them with the confidence needed to apply these abilities more independently.
At this age, your sixth-grader is better-able to use their social skills to establish and maintain friendships. As they expand their social circle and make friends, they are learning more about the importance of listening, respecting diverse perspectives, and resolving conflicts. Middle school can be a socially challenging time for many children, and their friendships and relationships are always changing. Considering an adolescent’s unpredictable moods, these friendships may end abruptly and often, leading to hurt feelings.
This is a time when young people become more aware of their sexuality and attraction to others.
At this age, your sixth-grader cares a great deal about peer relationships, and they may distance themselves from you and want more privacy, personal time, and space in order to assert their growing independence.
Your middle-schooler may also be more exposed to peer pressure, bullying, and alcohol and drugs during these years. You can use your influence to help guide them through these unpredictable years and provide them with the support that they need to further develop their social skills.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Teach your child about first impressions
Parent Toolkit expert Faye de Muyshondt suggests that you teach them how to maintain eye contact, speak clearly, introduce themselves and smile or convey warmth to make a good first impression. You can help your adolescent practice this by role-playing and taking turns introducing yourselves to each other. Talk to them about the importance of first impressions and help provide them with a mental checklist that your child can use when meeting new people. Director of Rutgers Social and Emotional Learning Lab Maurice Elias recommends that you also ask your child to reflect on the first impressions that they are making on others. For example, you can ask questions like, “How do you see yourself?” “How do you think others to see you?” and “How do you want others to see you?” Keep in mind that you are also modeling for your child when you meet new people and make introductions, and you can use those situations as teachable moments.
Talk to your middle-schooler about responsible online behavior
Most adolescents use electronic devices and social media, and it’s important to teach them how to behave appropriately online. Take this opportunity to discuss how the digital age has improved our lives, and then remind them that a person’s online footprint lives on in the virtual world and that almost nothing can be erased once it’s posted. This is also a good opportunity to discuss online bullying. Talk to your teen about the importance of being kind to others online and resisting going along with the crowd when someone is being made fun of. Monitor their time on social media and make it clear that “friends” in the virtual world are not the same as friends in the interpersonal world, and that your child will need to develop their skills in relating to people in a range of everyday, non-electronic situations.
Discuss peer pressure with your middle-schooler
Regardless of your child’s friends and social status, peer pressure will become an issue at one point or another. Education consultant Jennifer Miller recommends that you discuss peer pressure openly with them, and talk about possible scenarios. You can ask them questions like, “What if the other kids are spending the night at a house while the parents are unaware and out of town?” Ask how your 6th grader feels about the scenario you’ve offered, and discuss the potential consequences of various choices and what your child might say to a friend who is asking them to take part. Talking through these kinds of possibilities prepares them with language to use with their peers so they are ready.
Use your child's interests to help him develop new friendships
Many middle-schoolers have passions and pursuits that are important to them, and it’s helpful to encourage your child to find out what their “thing” is. You can do this by researching topics of interest together or pointing out potential hobbies or future career options. Colorado-based school counselor Sharon F. Sevier suggests that once you identify your middle-schooler’s interests, you may want to have him participate in groups or activities outside school that foster their talents and may help him find new friends. Your child says that these groups enlarge the friendship circle beyond school. Youth groups and programs at religious organizations, scouts, athletics, music, drama, and volunteer work all offer adolescents a chance to grow and blossom and develop new friendships with different people.
Responsible decision-making is the ability to make choices that are good for you, as well as for others. It means taking into account your ethical values as well as the wishes and perspectives of others when making decisions. This piece of social and emotional development takes all of the other social and emotional skills and brings them together. Being able to understand yourself, your actions, how your actions affect others, and what is socially acceptable all go into the responsible decision-making process. As your child enters adolescence, they will begin to make more choices on their own as your child tests boundaries and becomes more independent. Choices in middle school become more complex than they were in younger years. Your adolescent may have to decide whether or not to do their homework, join an extracurricular activity, or hang out with friends who are positive influences rather than those who aren’t. By continuing to be supportive, actively listening, and being there for them, you can help your middle-schooler navigate hard choices and prepare them for future success.
Your adolescent should be able to understand the reasons behind many rules and laws, like a seatbelt or drunk driving laws.
They should also be able to identify different points of view when they're making decisions. For example, their friend might want to continue playing video games instead of doing homework, but your child knows you would expect them to do their homework.
Your sixth-grader should be able to take into account how their decisions affect others.
Your child should also begin to understand that while some activities and behaviors may be popular, that doesn’t make them right. For example, if a group of their friends is saying mean things about a classmate on social media, it may be funny to them but not to the classmate.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Define safe and smart choices with your middle-schooler
For example, talk to them about their physical health and the consequences of making irresponsible decisions like smoking cigarettes. Tell them about the impact on their health, like how it would affect their soccer skills or singing ability. Also, talk through alternatives to negative choices. For instance, explain to them that they can always call you or other family members for a ride home instead of getting into a car with someone who has been drinking or using drugs.
Support your middle-schooler's decisions
Support your child when they make decisions you don’t agree with. It is bound to happen in every parent-child relationship. Even if you knew it was a bad decision, take the opportunity to talk with them about it. Try not to lecture; instead, ask what your child learned from the choice, and how they’ll handle a similar situation in the future. If your sixth-grader hurt you or someone else, give them the opportunity to make amends and ask for forgiveness. It’s important to show your adolescent that even if you don’t agree, you will still love him and be there to talk with them. For example, instead of saying, “I told you it was a bad idea to skip studying for that test,” say “Do you think you’ll skip studying next time? What would have been a better choice?”
Bring your middle-schooler into discussions about family issues
By allowing your sixth-grader into discussions like which movie to see or what to have for dinner—as well as more important matters, such as how to deal with issues affecting younger siblings—you’re giving them the opportunity to have their opinions heard. This shows that their opinions matter and that you’re open to hearing about their ideas. This may encourage them to share decisions they have to make about school or friends with you as well.