by Dave Zornow
April 1, 1998 -- Today was certainly a landmark day in the cable business, with big deals announced and big decisions made. In case you missed any of the news, here's a summary.
Actor Leslie Nielsen threw his hat into the cable ratings business with the purchase of the bankrupt "Psychic Friends Network." Although cable analysts questioned the move (One unnamed source wondered, "How well can these psychics see the future if they couldn't even predict their own bankruptcy? And if they are really psychic, why do they always have to ask my name when I call? "), the actor seemed determined to buy his way into a new business now that his acting career with O.J. is over.
Nielsen has decided to relaunch and reposition Psychic Friends in the audience measurement business. The new venture will now be known as "Nielsen Medium Research."
Actor Nielsen plans a number of initiatives to make Nielsen Medium Research an industry leader. For example, to emphasize the importance of customer service at his new company, Nielsen Medium Research will include a coupon with each ratings pocketpiece good for ten free minutes with a telephone psychic to consult on upcoming buys, career moves and what to wear on your next date. (Offer void where prohibited.)
The new Nielsen also plans to give the other Nielsen more competition on the technology front. Hoping to capitalize on innovations in advanced digital video sampling, Nielsen's Nielsen will introduce a new household meter which will measure, store and identify the concentration of purple in each video image. "Each program has its own digital pattern, just like any two random snowflakes in a blizzard or crackerjack kernels in a box. By measuring the Purple Percentage of each video image we can identify every program in a foolproof, digitally-efficient, state-of-the-art, low cost and competitive way," Nielsen says. The new technology, which will be dubbed the Nielsen Purple Meter, will be available next quarter. Or the one after that, for sure.
Video engineers doubt the Nielsen Purple Meter will ever get out of the lab. Initial field test lab show the Purple Meter consistently overstating viewing to certain Oprah Winfrey movies ("The Color Purple") and Woody Allen titles ("The Purple Rose of Cairo").
Programmers Announce New Programs
Industry technology think-tank CableFads announced a digital cable breakthrough which will transform how we watch television. By capitalizing on the work of scientist Wayne Szalinski first demonstrated in 1989 ("Honey I Shrunk the Kids"), developers now say they will be able to produce a digital set top box with a breath-taking compression ratio of 600:1. Cable networks applauded the move saying this development will finally let them micro-program to each viewer regardless of his or her size. MTV will expand their recent genre-based digital initiative by dedicating one channel to each video in their playlist. Discovery will create several hundred animal channels with one feed per phylum; the Food Network will serve up one feeding per feed and Home & Garden will furbish a channel for each refurbish.
In a harbinger of things to come, an entity outside of the cable business has purchased a network promising to use its expertise to take viewership to the next level. The SoreKnees Native American tribe, flush with cash from a successful casino business on its reservations, has invested $5.7 billion to purchase The Weather Channel. Coupled with the SoreKnees' legendary expertise in performing the Rain Dance, this synergy promises to take TWC to set new ratings records. The new ownership promises a new look and a new slogan: "Watch us, or we'll do more than just talk about the weather."
Showtime and Nostalgia Goodtv will form a new company to bring a program guide service to residents of Missouri. The new channel, dedicated to safe family viewing choices, will be called "ShowMeGoodTVTimes."
Acknowledging that professional athletes are getting paid more and more, CNN, Sports Illustrated and CNN/Fn will form a new network to provide 24/7 financial sports coverage and keep viewers informed of which celebrities are getting the largest share of TV revenue and ticket prices. The new network will feature a 24-hour ticker reporting Michael Jordan's minute-by-minute net worth.
A&E Special Reports and "The Underwater World of Jacques Cousteau" will team up to create a one-hour special focusing on Mafia influence in the scuba equipment rental business. A one-hour program, narrated by the former Canadian prime minister, will be called "The Underwater Underworld with Pierre Trudeau."
Discovery Networks and Spice will create a new channel which cuts across the interests of a broad range of television viewers. Look for the "Animal Mating Channel" to debut sometime in the next millennium.
The success of several channels focusing on subjects adults loathed in high school has spawned a new wave of "how-to" networks programmed to increasingly smaller niches. While names like "Learning," "History," and Knowledge would once have been immediately rejected, Americans are now flocking to subjects they once shunned. Hot on the heels of these successes, several new launches have been announced for 2000. The American CPA Association plans to introduce the "Quality Time With Taxes Channel" and from the American Dental Associate, we'll see the "Dentistry Without Novocaine Network." And, just in time for Mother's Day, the American Family Association plans to move in with its "Mothers-in-law Network."
Last but not least, The Food Network will join American Movie Classics and THE BOX to produce a theme based part-time network only available between 12 noon and 2pm each day. The new channel, sponsored solely by the Campbell soup company, will be called the American Classic BOX Lunch channel. ##
Dave Zornow is President/TNG Research, a media research consultancy and applications development company that works with media sellers and research providers.
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