Dallas M

La Vida de una Mosca

I remember my birth and my childhood, like most I was squishy and discolored, and smelled horrible due to the abominations babies commit regularly. I never knew my parents, but my siblings made me quite the homebody; I never traveled outside of the tri-state area. Oh, and I wasn’t cute. Most people were disgusted with me. Some people even screamed, terrified at the site of me. Still, I spent a lot of time with people, grandfathers and grandmothers mostly, and sometimes when the occasion allowed we were joined by a cousin closer to my age. My siblings and I crawled all over them while they were at peace, and they fed us well. We grew fat, and then it was my teenage years. A very quiet, very dark time in my life. I was separated from my siblings, mostly by my own desires. My house was very cozy, it felt like a warm blanket wrapped around me, but I was alone in my adolescence. In complete solitude with only my thoughts as constant companions. My adult life changed that, but nothing extraordinary really stands out to me. I often swarmed with my friends getting food (we were particularly fond of fruit, but most of it was shit) and buzzing about. I found a mate. I reproduced, but I never knew my children. Quite like how I never knew my own parents. In my own way it was like passing on a family tradition, one of abandonment and constant mystery. I ate. And then I died. It was a good life for a fly, the whole 24 hours of it.

Ode to Some Time Around Midnight and my Grandfather

And it starts

The phone buzzed in my mother’s hand

We had just finished buying last minute christmas presents at Barnes & Noble

Sometime around midnight

It was afternoon, but to me it felt six at night, dark, but with no soon relief of sleep

No relief of waking up

and it was just a bad dream

Or at least that’s when

You lose yourself

For a minute or two

She looked at me, me who was finishing a blueberry muffin,

and I knew

I stopped eating my muffin

As you stand

Under the bar lights

A tear rained down her cheek

More filled my eyes

And the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while

We weren’t ignorant

And the piano’s this melancholy sound check

It wasn’t a surprise

To her smile

But we had been ignoring the ticking time bomb clock of a thunder cloud

screaming of the time running out above us

And that white dress she’s wearing

I had hoped I would outgrow my black dress before I needed it again

Yet I knew better

I had it hanging up in my closet

You haven’t seen her for a while

My sister and mother didn’t get to see him before

But my dad and I did

I was suddenly so glad that I did

But you know that she’s watching

I wonder what the people in that cafe thought of the sobbing thirteen year old and her crying mother

What a pair we made that day

She’s laughing, she’s turning

That Christmas I didn’t smile

I didn’t dance around with joy at how many presents I got

She's holding her tonic like a crux

There was only one thing I wanted I cried to my parents

I should have held on tighter I had thought

The room’s suddenly spinning

But my grip wasn’t that strong even when I tried

She walks up and asks how you are

Though I would have held on till my knuckles ached and paled white

So you can smell her perfume

I remember the antiseptic smell of that hospital room had when I visited with my dad compared to the warmth and instantly recognizable smell only grandpa’s house had

You can see her lying naked in your arms

My cousins were there when it happened

Vulnerability and strength untouched they must have seen in him, in his dying breath

And so there's a change

Maybe that’s why I didn’t see them cry at the funeral on the 27th

In your emotions

And neither did my dad

And all of these memories like feral waves to your mind

Of the curl of your bodies like two perfect circles entwined

Struggle for memories

Fight to remember moments other than the last

And you feel hopeless, and homeless

Who next was to be snatched away

And lost in the haze of the wine

Who next was I to lose

And she leaves with someone you don’t know

Deaths come in threes, don’t they?

But she makes sure you see her

she looks right at you and bolts

Salt in the wound

As she walks out the door

Crushed deeper and deeper

Into the hole left

Your blood boiling

Weeks go by, and it’s still there

Scourged deep and bleeding

Your stomach in ropes

And an accusation of “you don’t know what it’s like”?

Is issued from the well meaning, but not for your sake, ignorant

And when your friends say what is it

But I do, I just never told anyone

You look like you’ve seen a ghost

You can’t see the ghost who’s with me

Who’s left me

And you walk under the street lights

At night I remember

And you’re too drunk to notice that everyone is staring at you

I’d break all the rules to not have that hole be left open


I almost felt like I’d die from a loss of blood I can’t replenish

And you so care what you look like

The wound is now, more like a scar

The world is falling around you

Scars across my body

You just have to see her

I’d wrench those scars open to see him again

You just have to see her

I’d open them as wide as I’d have to

You just have to see her

Whatever it would take, I’d open them a million times if it would do the trick

You just have to see her

The pain wouldn’t matter

You just have to see her

Because he would be there beside me

And you know that she’ll break you in two

And I would see.