Dallas M

La Vida de una Mosca


I remember my birth and my childhood, like most I was squishy and discolored, and smelled horrible due to the abominations babies commit regularly. I never knew my parents, but my siblings made me quite the homebody; I never traveled outside of the tri-state area. Oh, and I wasn’t cute. Most people were disgusted with me. Some people even screamed, terrified at the site of me. Still, I spent a lot of time with people, grandfathers and grandmothers mostly, and sometimes when the occasion allowed we were joined by a cousin closer to my age. My siblings and I crawled all over them while they were at peace, and they fed us well. We grew fat, and then it was my teenage years. A very quiet, very dark time in my life. I was separated from my siblings, mostly by my own desires. My house was very cozy, it felt like a warm blanket wrapped around me, but I was alone in my adolescence. In complete solitude with only my thoughts as constant companions. My adult life changed that, but nothing extraordinary really stands out to me. I often swarmed with my friends getting food (we were particularly fond of fruit, but most of it was shit) and buzzing about. I found a mate. I reproduced, but I never knew my children. Quite like how I never knew my own parents. In my own way it was like passing on a family tradition, one of abandonment and constant mystery. I ate. And then I died. It was a good life for a fly, the whole 24 hours of it.





Ode to Some Time Around Midnight and my Grandfather


And it starts


The phone buzzed in my mother’s hand

We had just finished buying last minute christmas presents at Barnes & Noble


Sometime around midnight


It was afternoon, but to me it felt six at night, dark, but with no soon relief of sleep

No relief of waking up

and it was just a bad dream


Or at least that’s when

You lose yourself

For a minute or two


She looked at me, me who was finishing a blueberry muffin,

and I knew

I stopped eating my muffin


As you stand

Under the bar lights


A tear rained down her cheek

More filled my eyes


And the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while


We weren’t ignorant


And the piano’s this melancholy sound check


It wasn’t a surprise


To her smile


But we had been ignoring the ticking time bomb clock of a thunder cloud

screaming of the time running out above us


And that white dress she’s wearing


I had hoped I would outgrow my black dress before I needed it again

Yet I knew better

I had it hanging up in my closet

You haven’t seen her for a while


My sister and mother didn’t get to see him before

But my dad and I did

I was suddenly so glad that I did


But you know that she’s watching


I wonder what the people in that cafe thought of the sobbing thirteen year old and her crying mother

What a pair we made that day


She’s laughing, she’s turning


That Christmas I didn’t smile

I didn’t dance around with joy at how many presents I got


She's holding her tonic like a crux


There was only one thing I wanted I cried to my parents

I should have held on tighter I had thought


The room’s suddenly spinning


But my grip wasn’t that strong even when I tried


She walks up and asks how you are


Though I would have held on till my knuckles ached and paled white


So you can smell her perfume


I remember the antiseptic smell of that hospital room had when I visited with my dad compared to the warmth and instantly recognizable smell only grandpa’s house had


You can see her lying naked in your arms

My cousins were there when it happened

Vulnerability and strength untouched they must have seen in him, in his dying breath


And so there's a change


Maybe that’s why I didn’t see them cry at the funeral on the 27th


In your emotions


And neither did my dad


And all of these memories like feral waves to your mind

Of the curl of your bodies like two perfect circles entwined


Struggle for memories

Fight to remember moments other than the last


And you feel hopeless, and homeless


Who next was to be snatched away


And lost in the haze of the wine


Who next was I to lose


And she leaves with someone you don’t know


Deaths come in threes, don’t they?


But she makes sure you see her

she looks right at you and bolts


Salt in the wound


As she walks out the door


Crushed deeper and deeper

Into the hole left


Your blood boiling


Weeks go by, and it’s still there

Scourged deep and bleeding


Your stomach in ropes


And an accusation of “you don’t know what it’s like”?

Is issued from the well meaning, but not for your sake, ignorant


And when your friends say what is it


But I do, I just never told anyone


You look like you’ve seen a ghost


You can’t see the ghost who’s with me

Who’s left me


And you walk under the street lights


At night I remember


And you’re too drunk to notice that everyone is staring at you


I’d break all the rules to not have that hole be left open

Bleeding

I almost felt like I’d die from a loss of blood I can’t replenish


And you so care what you look like


The wound is now, more like a scar


The world is falling around you


Scars across my body


You just have to see her


I’d wrench those scars open to see him again


You just have to see her


I’d open them as wide as I’d have to


You just have to see her


Whatever it would take, I’d open them a million times if it would do the trick


You just have to see her


The pain wouldn’t matter


You just have to see her


Because he would be there beside me


And you know that she’ll break you in two


And I would see.