Anger Management Strategies

Triggers

A trigger is anything that contributes to an unwanted feeling, emotion or behaviour. A trigger can be anything: a person, a place, an object, a thought or a situation.

Take the time to think about what your triggers are. Create a table like the one opposite and list all of the things that trigger you.

Tackling Triggers

The best way to deal with our triggers is to avoid them. This might mean we have to make changes to our friendships, our lifestyle, or our daily routine, etc.

Sometimes though, avoiding our triggers isn’t always possible. If we can't avoid our them we need to come up with a coping strategy so we can manage our anger.

Remember, we only have control of ourselves, not of others and their behaviour. The journey to managing your anger starts with you!

Unhelpful Thoughts

Sometimes our own thoughts are a trigger for our anger. You might be aware of them, or they might be happening in your subconscious. Whichever way you have the thought they’re having a negative impact on you in some way.

Unhelpful thoughts build up over a period of time and then we often automatically think them! They’re unhelpful because they make a problem seem bigger/worse than it actually is. They also make the problem feel more difficult to solve!

Neuroscience of unhelpful thoughts

Think about walking through the woods and then taking a shortcut. If you walk the shortcut over and over again, soon a new path is formed. This new path then becomes the preferred route. The older paths that aren’t used as much become 'overgrown' and eventually won't be used at all.

In a similar way, our thoughts form neural pathways in our brain. If we think about something in the same way over and over again, that pathway becomes stronger. Soon that new pathway is the preferred route for our thoughts to travel along. The pathways that are never or rarely used will eventually die.

We can become angry because our brains have created unhelpful paths (thoughts). This doesn’t mean that we’re thinking wrong, actually unhelpful thoughts are very common.

We have millions of 'neural pathways' in our brains. When we notice our negative thoughts we can learn to challenge them. This helps us to 'rewire' our brain by creating new pathways, so that we can take a less negative path.

We have the ability to create new and positive pathways with practice, no matter what our age! In doing so, we will help ourselves to manage our anger and improve our mental health and well-being.

Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

An unhelpful thinking pattern is a way of thinking about things in a certain way that influences your view of the problem. By recognising the unhelpful thinking patterns we are in, it will then help us to spot unhelpful thoughts in general.

Let’s take a look at some common unhelpful thinking patterns and learn about an alternative way of thinking. These alternatives will take time to practise, but practise makes progress!

Focussing only on the negative vs Identifying at least one positive

In certain situations, you may find that you only remember the negatives and you forget/ignore all of the positives (e.g. When someone has given you feedback about something and you only remember the negative comments and forget about the good).

When you think this is happening, seeing the whole picture can be helpful. Write down the positives from the situation so you can see they exist. If somebody else was present, you can ask them how they interpreted the situation too. Having positives and negatives written down will help you to see a more balanced picture of the situation that caused you to be angry.

Making assumptions vs Listing as many possible reasons

If someone does something that you’re unhappy about, you might assume that there is an underlying reason for their behaviour, without actually knowing if that’s the case.

Instead, write a list of all possible reasons for their behaviour. Take your time to think of as many as you can. Whilst you may not know the reason why, it could help to see that there could be many different reasons. We’re unlikely to know the real reasons for someone’s behaviour unless they’re comfortable telling us!

When you’re in a calm state, it may be helpful to discuss the situation with the person and see how this could be resolved/avoided in future situations.

Looking at things from extremes vs Identifying a middle ground

This unhelpful thinking pattern involves seeing things as polar opposites with no middle ground: it’s right or wrong, good or bad. In most aspects of life, things are rarely that simple!

It can help to draw a line with a - on one side and a + on the other. Under the -, write down all of the things that support your negative point of view. Under the +, write all the things that argue your negative point of view. Where do you think the truth sits on the line? Is it really at one end, or is it somewhere in between?

Overgeneralising vs Creating a For & Against list

This involves the belief that because something has happened once or a few times, it will always happen. These types of thoughts tend to involve the words: every, nobody, always, never.

e.g. I always get the answer wrong, nobody values my friendship. This type of unhelpful thinking often involves only focusing on the evidence that supports our thought and ignoring the evidence to argue against it!

It can be helpful to write down the evidence in a For & Against List. When you look at the evidence written down, does it support the statement you made? This also helps to look at the bigger picture. Would somebody else come to the same conclusion as you with the evidence written down?

Labelling behaviours vs Seeing the person

This type of thinking involves labelling ourselves and others and using these names/labels to explain behaviour and events that have occurred. E.g. “she did that because she’s nasty,” or “I got it wrong because I’m stupid.”

Using labels like this means we exaggerate one aspect of a person, rather than seeing the whole person. Treating people by their label can cause them to behave badly towards us.

To help break this negative cycle, it can help to try to treat the person as if you don’t have this view. This may lead to a different reaction to the one you expected.

Equally, if things go wrong for you and you put it down to a label you’ve given yourself, it may help to change your perspective by writing down evidence to show that your label is wrong. This can help to avoid you treating yourself as if the label was right.

ABC Model

The ABC Model is something that can help us to think and act more effectively. It is a way of exploring our reactions to situations, and the thoughts or feelings hidden behind them.

We can't always avoid a situation that might make us angry so its useful to be aware of how it might make us feel. When we predict how we might feel we can work out if it is helpful or unhelpful to us.

A - Activating Event

B - Beliefs

C - Consequences

The Activating Event is the situation/event that triggers our thoughts and feelings

The Beliefs are what we believe deep down inside of us (subconsciously) that influence our reactions to the situation/event.

What happens as a result (Consequences) of our reactions.

Let’s look at an example of the ABC model in action:

Daniel sees his friend, Ruby, in the corridor. He waves at her, but Ruby doesn’t react and keeps on walking (Activating event). Daniel feels offended. The next time he sees Ruby, he ignores her (Consequence) because he feels offended.

Here, Daniel’s decision to ignore Ruby (Consequence), is very much influenced by the fact that he is offended. The reason he feels this way could be because, deep down, Daniel feels that people don’t particularly value his friendship (Belief). The fact that Daniel and Ruby’s friendship suffers from this incident (Consequence), is likely to reinforce his feelings.

Let’s look at a different reaction to the same situation:

Daniel sees his friend, Ruby, in the corridor. He waves at her, but Ruby doesn’t react and keeps on walking. Daniel feels offended, but because he understands why he feels this way (because of his underlying belief that people don’t value his friendship), he decides to call out, “Hi Ruby!”

Ruby seems to notice him for the first time and she apologises, explaining that she was lost in thought. The two friends chat briefly and arrange to meet up after their lesson.

This example helps to show us that it is often not the event/situation itself that causes us to react in a negative way, but our underlying (and unhelpful) beliefs.

Where do we feel anger?

By developing our ability to recognise these physical symptoms at the time that they occur, we can therefore train our brain to recognise when we are feeling angry.

Look at the body maps below. Which symptoms do you recognise that you feel? Are there any others you might notice that aren't shown here?

Relaxation Techniques

Sometimes, no matter how much we try to manage our anger with coping strategies, we flip our lids. When this happens, we need a way of gaining back control of both our body and brain, by implementing distraction techniques, often known as relaxation techniques.

A 'relaxation technique' is something you do to distract your brain from releasing adrenaline and cortisol.

If your brain is distracted by something else it won't release these hormones. This will help the feelings of anxiety pass. This is known as a relaxation response.

To make sure these things work when we are angry, we need to practice them when we are calm. Remember we can't always avoid situations that make us anxious or angry, so knowing what to do beforehand can help.

Deep Breathing

A common and scientifically-proven distraction technique is that of deep breathing.

Now I know what you’re thinking…. It’s so annoying when somebody tells us to breathe, when it’s something we do all the time. But if we learn the reason why deep breathing is so effective, we can then appreciate it as a useful distraction technique.

How it works: when we breathe deeply, we are taking in more oxygen than when we breathe regularly/automatically. When this extra oxygen reaches our brain, our brains can then tell our anxious bodies to calm down (initiating the relaxation response). Think back to where we feel anxiety in our bodies; the extra oxygen will help to alleviate those bodily reactions (e.g. our legs will stop shaing, we will stop feeling sick, we won't feel so hot and sweaty etc.

A way to ensure you are deep breathing effectively is to do the following:

Sit down in a comfortable position and place your hand on your stomach.
Take a deep breath in through your nose for four seconds, as if you’re smelling your favourite flower (or another favourite smell!).
Hold your breath for four seconds (or for as long as feels comfortable).
Breath out through your mouth as if you’re blowing out your candles on your birthday cake. That’s a lot of candles so try to make your breath out last for six seconds.
Repeat steps 1-4 for ten times (you may already start to feel calm before completing these steps several times, in which case, you can stop deep breathing).

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

PMR is a way to help your body relax by choosing to tense and then relax certain muscles in your body. When we are anxious our muscles can feel very tense; practising PMR allows us to gain control of our bodies when we are feeling anxious. Physically relaxing our muscles will start the relaxation response.

Another benefit to practising PMR is that we will become more aware of when we are beginning to feel anxious, as tense muscles are a part of the body where we feel anxiety.

To practise PMR, do the following:

Feet - curl your toes tightly into your feet…then relax

Calves - point and flex your toes up and down…then relax

Thighs - squeeze your thighs together…then relax

Stomach - squeeze in your stomach…then relax

Hands - make a fist by curling your fingers into your palms…then relax

Arms - make fists with your hands and squeeze them towards your shoulders…then relax

Back - squeeze your shoulder blades together…then relax

Shoulders - lift and squeeze your shoulders towards you ears…then relax

Face - scrunch your facial features to the centre of your face…then relax

Whole body - squeeze all muscles together…then relax!

5-4-3-2-1

The 5-4-3-2-1 is a grounding technique that encourages you to focus on details in your surroundings that you may not normally notice. By identifying things that relate to each sense, your body and brain are connecting with each other and distracting them from the feelings of anxiousness; instead, your brain and body are being present in the moment. Wherever you are, you will be able to ground yourself by tuning into your senses using this technique.

What are 5 things you can see?

Look for small details such as a pattern on the ceiling, the way light reflects off of a surface, or an object you've never noticed.

What are 4 things you can feel?

Notice the sensation of clothing on your body, the sun on your skin, or the feeling of the chair that you're sitting in. Pick up an object and examine its weight, texture and other physical qualities.

What are 3 things you can hear?

Pay special attention to the sounds your mind has tuned out, such as a ticking clock, distant traffic, or trees blowing in the wind.

What are 2 things you can smell?

Try to notice smells in the air around you, like an air freshener or freshly mowed grass. You may also look around for something that has a scent, such as a flower, or an unlit candle.

What is 1 thing you can taste?

Carry chewing gum, mints, or even a fruity lip balm; focus your attention on the flavour/s once you put it in your mouth.

These distraction techniques are some of many strategies you could try. We chose them because you don’t need any special equipment to do them. Also you can do them anywhere, anytime and no-one need know you are doing them! You may find some work better than others, and that’s ok. This is about you finding what works for you.

Remember to practise them when you are calm, so that you can do them well when you need them.

Effective Communication

How many times have you been so angry about something, that you’ve reacted in an extreme way? When you’ve calmed down, did you regret your behaviour in the angry moment? As we learnt earlier, when we’ve ‘flipped our lid,’ we are not able to think rationally. When we are in a state of calm we can often feel sorry for our actions. Afterwards we may want to say sorry and sort out the problems with the people involved. This is called a restorative conversation, it aims to restore the relationship to the point before you flipped your lid.

It’s important to have restorative conversation when you are both feeling calm. It’s important that you both get the opportunity to express your feelings in a respectful way! One way to do this is by using 'I statements'.

Using "I" Statements

“I” statements are a way of communicating effectively without casting blame on the other person (even if you feel they are to blame). It keeps the focus on your feelings, which only you can control. It’s also important to remember to use a respectful and calm tone when communicating our I Statement.

I feel (insert emotion word) when (insert explanation).

e.g. I feel like you have forgotten about me when you don’t text me first.
e.g. I feel stupid when I’m asked a question that I don’t know the answer to.

Complete the table below by coming up with an I Statement instead of a Blaming Statement. Can you think of a time when this technique would have been useful? Write what you said (the Blaming Statement) and then come up with an alternative (I Statement) in the blank space below.

Blaming Statement

You always interrupt me!

You never listen to my side of things!

You didn’t give me any warning before giving me detention!

You wind me up!

I Statement

I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted.

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Apologizing

There are a lot of myths around saying sorry, which should be challenged and explored. If we do show anger in an aggressive manner, then we do need to apologise for our behaviour, no matter what.

Let’s explore some of the common myths we might have heard:

Myth 1 - I will look weak if I apologize

It actually takes real strength for somebody to admit when they’re wrong. The easy thing to do is to say nothing, but it’s difficult to acknowledge you’ve said/done wrong and apologize for that. Apologizing is a sign of strength, not of weakness!

E.g. I’m really sorry for storming out of class yesterday.

Myth 2 - "I'm sorry," is all an apology is

“I’m sorry,” means nothing if there is no meaning to it. An apology needs to show regret/remorse for your actions because you can identify how what you did was wrong. Ideally, it also needs to demonstrate a way that you can avoid behaving this way in the future.

E.g. I’m really sorry for storming out of class yesterday. Doing so was very disruptive to the lesson. Next time, I will ask for a time-out before getting that angry again.

Myth 3 - Apologizing means I am taking all of the blame

When we apologize, we are only taking responsibility for our own part in the situation, as it’s only our own behaviour that we can control. By apologizing in a calm and respectful way, and using “I” statements (as learnt about previously), the other person is most likely to apologize for their part in the situation too. It takes two to tango, as they say!

E.g. I’m really sorry for storming out of class yesterday. Doing so was very disruptive to the lesson. Next time, I will ask for a time-out before getting that angry again. I just feel so frustrated when I’m put on the spot to answer a question, as I don’t know the answer and feel I’ll look stupid.

Myth 4 - it happened ages ago, so I don't need to apologize now

Whilst we do need to wait until we are feeling calm to be able to have a restorative conversation, leaving it too long can make our relationship with the other person start to feel awkward and uncomfortable. Also, without an apology, the underlying issue causing the anger has not been addressed either, which could lead to a vicious cycle of more anger outbursts.

The more we know about anger and the more we learn about ourselves and our own anger, the more we can learn to control it.

If you've tried using these anger management strategies and relaxation techniques and you still feel that you need some additional help and support with your anger, click the Help and Support for Anger button below.

Help and Support for Anger

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