The Pilot
The pilot jogs excitedly down the jetway, pushing people out of his way, and on to the plane. He is excited for his first day at work for his new job as a pilot! He would get to fly all around the world, see cool places, like maybe even Rome or Oklahoma City, and meet lots of cool new people.
He enters the plane, slowing down his pace to a walking speed, and finds an aisle seat near the back of the plane. After sitting in the seat for about thirty minutes, he is getting impatient. He glances down at his watch, squinting at the tiny digital screen. It reads 10:38 AM. He had thought this flight was supposed to leave at 10:30, so why hadn’t it? He remains seated, bouncing his legs in anticipation, for about another five minutes before a flight attendant comes over to him. “Sir.” he says curtly.
“Yes?” the pilot replies, looking up at him. “Are you here to offer me a drink, or maybe a snack?”
“Sir.” the flight attendant says again, raising his eyebrows. “Um, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but all of the people on this flight are waiting for the plane to take off.”
“Yes, I know.” the pilot says, also raising his eyebrows to mimic the flight attendant. “So am I. When will we be leaving?”
“Um,” says the flight attendant, looking annoyed at being mimicked. “You’re the pilot.”
“Yes…” the pilot says, scratching the top of his balding head. “I know that.”
The flight attendant sighs in exasperation and says “That means that you sit in the cockpit of the plane, not with all of the passengers.”
“Oh!” the pilot exclaims loudly, causing several passengers to glance over in alarm. “This is exciting! I get to be all the way up there?”
“Um, yes. Could you not yell, please?”
“Okay!” says the pilot, lowering his voice slightly, to where he wasn’t yelling, but wasn’t necessarily quiet either. “I promise I won’t yell anymore. Can you take me up to the cockpit, please? I’ve never seen one before.”
The flight attendant gives him a weird look, a mix of annoyance, curiosity, and concern, and then leads the pilot up to the front of the plane. He opens the door to the cockpit, gestures for the pilot to enter, which he does eagerly, and then shuts the door behind him. There are two seats: one empty, the other with a person sitting in it, who is wearing pilot’s clothes.
“Who are you?” asks the pilot, slightly confused. He thought he would get the whole cockpit to himself.
“I’m the copilot.” she tells him. “I’m here just to help, or in case for some reason you are unable to fly the plane.”
“Oh,” says the pilot, nodding slowly. “Well then, you won’t be needed! Feel free to leave and sit with the passengers. I think my seat back there is still empty!”
“Um,” says the copilot. “It’s a rule that I have to stay in here. Now, we should leave the airport soon, we’re already more than twenty minutes late!”
“Okay.” the pilot says while sitting down into the chair and strapping on his seatbelt. He looks at the overwhelming number of controls and says, “It’s a little harder than driving a car, is it?”
“Uh, yes. I guess it is,” says the copilot, glancing over at him with a mildly amused look. “But you are a pilot, and therefore you should know what all of this does.”
“Oh, yeah. I am.” says the pilot, remembering that. He reaches forward and, after finding the button for the intercom, says: “Good morning everyone, this is… uh…” he lets off the button and turns to the copilot, eyebrows scrunched. “What brand of plane is this?”
“Brand?” asks the copilot, looking confused. “Well, the brand is, let's see… I think it’s Boeing. Yeah, this is a Boeing 737.”
“Ah, Boeing.” says the pilot, nodding. “Thanks.” He pushes down the speaker button again. “Good morning again flight, this is Boeing flight…” he lets off the button again and turns to the copilot. “What flight is this?”
“This is Southwest flight 374.” she says, looking slightly annoyed now.
“Ah, thanks.” says the pilot. He presses the button a third time. “Good morning flight, this is Boeing Southwest flight 347… or maybe it was something like 437… yeah, you get the idea. Microphones are so fun! So, where would everyone like to go this fine morning?”
“No no no no no.” says the copilot. “You don’t ask the passengers where they want to go. This flight already has a certain place that we are going.”
“Oooh, where?” asks the pilot, rubbing his hands together excitedly.
“Excuse me,” says the copilot, “but what authorization do you have to be a pilot?”
“I have complete authorization.” the pilot explains. “So. You tell me. Where am I to be flying this plane?”
“We are flying to Denver.”
“That’s in Missouri, right?”
“No…” says the copilot. “It’s in Colorado.”
“And where are we right now?” asks the pilot.
“You literally don’t know where we are?” replies the copilot, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“No.”
“We’re in Omaha, Nebraska.”
“Okay.” the pilot says, nodding again. He reaches out and grabs the yoke. “Now… Where’s the gearshift in this mess of buttons and such? We need to reverse out of here.”
“Ugh, just let me do it.”
“Okay, whatever, if you’re gonna be like that.” The pilot sticks his tongue out at the copilot and undos the seatbelt slowly. The pilot and the copilot swap seats, much to the relief of the copilot, and to the dismay of the pilot. After sitting down in their seats, they replace their seatbelts.
Shortly after they had taken off, the pilot glanced out the window and shuddered. “Hey, copilot lady?” he says, voice quivering, “did I tell you that I’m afraid of heights?”
“No, I don’t believe you did.” the copilot turns to look over at the pilot, frowning, and adds, “That’s something you’ll have to get used to if you want to become a pilot, you know.”
“But…” replies the pilot, becoming slightly angry, “I don’t have to become a pilot, I already am one! I should be the one flying this plane!”
“Sorry, I don’t think you should be allowed to fly yet.”
“Phooey.”
And so, the copilot and pilot flew from Omaha, and into the morning sky. We don’t need to detail how about twenty-five minutes later the pilot gets impatient and tries to take over, and they crash in the Nebraska sandhills, (all of the people survive), and then because there aren’t many towns out there, everyone had to wait a really long time to be picked up.
And thankfully, the pilot was fired from their job, and not so thankfully, they then got a job (somehow) as a train conductor.
