1/31/2023

mortifying memories from ten years ago

mix with the ones from this morning

things can go south when I open my mouth

which I seem to do without much warning

to all who knew me yesterday

that's not how I am anymore

please forget the words I said

and whatever I've done before

I am a snail spiraling out

then retreating back into my shell

erasing every trace of me

and my private flaws as well

I'm sorry I didn't notice you

caught up in my mind alone

thinking back to how I used to speak

I'm embarrassed to have been known

but I don't really mean that

because I don't really think

the public gives much thought

in this chain to any one link

we can strive for reputation

but along the path to fame

is shame and desecration

while good deeds need no acclaim

the only reason I feel you watching me

is that I look for my reflection in your eyes

instead of looking into them

past the shell you too disguise

10/19/2022

they say you're deep if you're dark

and a fool if you claim

any kind of answer

any message, any aim

they say life is void of meaning

and meaning void of sense

they claim to embrace uncertainty

yet resent all of life's suspense

they take one lonely moment

and extend it to the scope

of reality's very edge

just look at how they cope

they say the truth doesn't matter

so they call off their search

what could be worse?

oh, what could be worse?

I ask without irony

what's the point of this trend

of concluding there's no reason

if it brings asking to an end?

why not seek the light?

why not even try?

be vulnerable for real

and dare to face the sky

9/30/2022

my dream didn't quite die

it just faded away

and no one looked up

so I called it a day

now it's been a year

between gratitude and guilt

and I'm back in training

to better what I've built

I regret holding on

I regret letting go

I resent getting stuck

just to duck any blow

I'm sorry I spoke up

I'm sorry I held back

I'm sorry I never did

settle on a track

I didn't do a better job

I'm sorry for that too

I didn't see the quicksand

I couldn't feel the glue

by the time I had noticed

I was already done

but parts of me can say

hey we had a good run

I'm sorry I was focused

on my plan and not their needs

I pray that their harvest

yielded something more than weeds

I'm a layer of bedrock

pressured from both sides

my past and my future

engulf me like the tides

I've signed up my future self

for something new and hard

blown up my comfort zone

and given out my card

I can't even express

how easy and good I have it

I try to see all You've given

to live in thanks as a habit

I wanted to be

a better teacher

I'll admit

but it was

for them

that I quit

8/25/2022

I've reached the page

with folded wings

I'm on the part

where caged she sings

this chapter new

for months extends

as I await

and trust it ends

this is not like

my old cocoon

when I left then

it felt too soon

nor like the time

I sat it out

with wounds from flight

to heal the doubt

now it's more like

this restlessness

I yearn to soar

yet more or less

my ready wings

are stiff, unused

this antsy butterfly

has mused

this waiting time

is mercy too

that anxious bugs

can seek debut

6/30/2022

scholars in prison

and crooks in charge

and defaming our own

when they get too large

abuse in the home

and abuse from a drone

only two evil options

and feeling alone

there's too much going on

for us to figure it out

at least not without help

and not without doubt

they say it's a cruel world

but we made it that way

the universe is kind

and we still have a say

His name is Peace

and Truth and Light

He hears your cry

and marks your right

all of this is guided

all of it controlled

all of us embraced

in His merciful fold

He shows mercy in power

as His power is kind

His are the only

ties that bind

this world is cruel

there's grief and fear

but we only know them

because we're here

this world is cruel

this life unfair

but the hurt we feel

is proof we care

our time here is short

it was never the goal

in this kind universe

where You've lent us control

4/10/2022

I asked for directions

forgot what I was told

got lost moments later

and found it had grown cold

the longer I stay here

the shorter my stay seems

the blurrier lines get

between waking and dreams

signs point in every way

and I'm always moving

and so misled sometimes

proven paths need proving

how fickle! we flicker!

the mind's lights come and go

we see it, the answer

then discard what we know

how fickle! don't dither!

the soul knows what it needs

so bow down and claim it

follow good where it leads

how fickle! how bitter!

the heart hardens to stone

we hate to be lonely

yet act like we're alone

the mind can find sharpness

if every so often

the soul is sustained till

the heart starts to soften

I didn't know I was

on the wrong road until

I'd been there for miles

why was I walking still?

the first step is to stop

on the path of regret

then ask for direction

every time we forget

1/9/2022

warm is the winter

that is spent inside

and full is the house

with nothing to hide

and fast are the days

and deep is the night

cutting to the core

and setting things right

lovely are the times

when having a thought

is sharing a thought

now these times are not

chill is the low tide

rich in its own right

till the tide comes back

to deepen the night

12/5/2021

oh, it was a comfort

the way the mist gathered

the dark blue of the sky

and the lights overhead

God, it was a comfort

the way You just listened

when I remained silent

and when I cried and said

this is too much for me

get me out, set me free

from whatever awaits

when I too soon arrive

if the road didn't end

if I were to pretend

then I could keep going

I just wanted to drive

that night I was by You

delivered through the blue

safely home, and sooner

than I thought, it was done

though some feelings lingered

I reclaimed myself then

so remained the lesson

I'm headed to the One

I never left the road

that quiet highway bare

where I stop matters not

no, it's the getting there

10/6/2021

possibilities

slightly open doors

moths in my stomach

butterflies in yours

you're here to have fun

I'm here to improve

you try to impress

I've nothing to prove

nice to meet you, but

I'd hate to meet you

for half of a day

our paths crossed, it's true

I've learned much from you

like how to say bye

and what to avoid

it's worth it to try

I pray one day that

a butterfly lands

in my hands like home

and just understands

9/10/2021

it's autumn again already

and I want to feel more ready

now that I've seen enough of it

time passing makes me a bit sad

now that I know those colors mean

the death of leaves and trees unclad

it's autumn now and I want spring

something new to make my heart sing

it was autumn before, but now

let's make this autumn everything

though it's cloudy and it's muggy

and the light is ever-waning

I know it's there, and it will grow

after fading, after straining

I will take this time to rest with

Earth at peace so gently raining

it's almost autumn already

I rise to greet the fall steady

8/27/2021

last time was quite traumatic

I do think about it still

it makes me sick to my heart

it sucks out of me my will

every week of class I taught

I needed to make a choice

between failing my students

and silencing my own voice

so I just barely spoke up

let myself down, heart muted

I hate that I said a lot

yet my words were diluted

my tongue held till it wilted

in fear of offending you

you with comments offensive

naive, angry, and untrue

I'm often the outsider

the token minority

I thought it would be better

once I had authority

now I'm responsible for

everyone every hour

I learned this year that nothing

is more crippling than power

every decision I made

was weighed for days in advance

and felt wrong for months after

now I have a second chance

if I could do it again

relive that last day of school

I'd let you meet me for real

I'd let me bravely unspool

if I knew how to go there

without saying "how dare you"

losing you in my ranting

like you're something to stare through

I try to find the balance

readjusting failed extremes

telling all, acting neutral

having so many bad dreams

you surprised me that last day

with a signed card and a gift

it wasn't all for nothing

maybe something key did shift

this poem is therapy

there is healing when I rhyme

what I lived into meaning

and a prayer for next time

7/30/2021

Is success having a baby?

Giving a talk? Getting published?

Having letters after your name?

Not binging shows you've seen before?

As if the successful people

don't stare at their ceiling fan too

before dawn, alone with their thoughts.

Is success driving us crazy?

Why should we strive for influence?

Wasn't our goal once to do good?

No one has to know it was us.

7/15/2021

You have always known the ending

here we are living before it

we all know there is an ending

but often try to ignore it

those who think the end is nothing

well even they can't really say

that they think nothing of the end

for it's a truth that's here to stay

they might not know there's more to come

the consequences for part one

still they know that their life will wane

that time decays even the sun

we know yet still act like we don't

our mindset needs constant mending

from us pretending we won't when

You have always known the ending

6/29/2021

I thought life was a straight line

one with a gentle incline

they said life is a straight line

I was sure and that was fine

these days, life is a circle

or one might call it a rut

I used to think loops easy

these days, they're anything but

treading the same path each day

sure, it has become routine

if you ask, I know the way

yet I feel lost and unseen

I know this loop so well now

I can no longer leave it

I walk to find a reason

to leave or else believe it

yes, to tread repeatedly

makes use of my expertise

but I once walked to explore

it's time to stop chasing ease

Allah, I pray: break me free

move me on to chart new ways

keep me safe, keep me learning

through this life, this wondrous maze

5/20/2021

birds like cages

that is your claim

they lock themselves in

just for the fame

birds like cages

and foxes like traps

and hunters are heroes

and people are saps

in fact, the birds

are in the wrong

for making you guilty

when you hear their song

how dare they make you clip their wings?

if only they wouldn't escape

how dare they peck at your hands

when you let your fingers drape?

and you say everyone knows

you have to crack a few eggs

ruffle some feathers

weed out the dregs

they built their nest

in a tree you like

they're hateful to call you

a brood parasite

what were you supposed to do?

leave their home for someone else to take?

and now look how they've forced your hand

you cutting this tree down was their mistake

but saplings on the forest floor

grow as Zionists rue

and as you lie, undaunted wings

take to the sky in defiance of you

4/11/2021

smiling and sunshine

are bad for your skin

they break down your face

from forehead to chin

chocolate and cream cheese

are bad for your hips

they scheme the moment

they pass through your lips

sit still, your mouth shut

and stay in the shade

living like a doll

with whom no one's played

or wake up and see

you're still gonna age

we're all gonna die

don't leave a blank page

smiling and sunshine

and chocolate and cheese

and speaking your mind

not living to please

dangerous habits

are good for the soul

the part that remains

and you can control

3/27/2021

they're at it again

every year singing

spring peepers searching

clamoring, ringing

it's that time, to find

a mate, seal one's fate

to live the next phase

before it's too late

to us, their constant

urgent evening cries

become background noise

as they rhapsodize

nature's sweet chorus

reaches hearts through ears

for those who listen

deeper through the years

an intriguing tune

that once felt so new

becomes nostalgic

like cool morning dew

life's swell continues

cycling in full swing

with you here for now

feeling everything

2/25/2021

lonely is the heart

for it cannot find

a short enough path

to get to the mind

lonely is the brain

never had it thought

the pathways between

would branch and could clot

the pair is at a

fixed distance apart

so goes the trouble

of the brain and heart

yet they as two halves

are linked as one whole

they are not alone

but a single soul

lonely is the soul

I've heard this before

I am not alone

we all pray for more

we all seek to find

a way to draw near

to You who made us

as we live down here

2/13/2021

Over my shoulder looms me from the past,

pressuring me to make old wishes last.

She watches my days and judges at night

when I cannot sleep, and that's when we fight.

She asks why I didn't stick to the plan.

I try my best to make her understand.

I tell her that there's so much she must learn,

conclusions of mine she can only earn.

I say she lacks hindsight; she is obsessed,

foolish to look at me and get depressed.

I let her know what she thinks she can choose

is beyond her control; I didn't lose.

In fact, by God's grace, all I've done is gain.

I pray that none of these years are in vain.

Now look, here's the thing, I say to my past:

you know what you want, and you want it fast.

But you turn out wrong! What you overlook

is where joy lies. Let's keep reading the book.

1/4/2021

it was dawn

my mind was gone

I was sleeping soundly

my consciousness had drifted

in the night

beyond my boundary

untethered from

my mortal vessel

I expanded and I flew

past fields and through clouds

and that's when I knew

what "me" refers to

for though in flight

I felt not

the cold of night

I was present

in spacetime

yet there was no me to sight

in this mode

in my dreams

I am "input only"

a being who can experience

but not interact

is that lonely?

perhaps it would be so

were this

my sole mode

however

I awake

and my mind returns to its abode

so gliding through scenes

in my dreams

is freeing

to not worry

I've been seen

and to do all the seeing

and then

alhamdulillah

to gratefully return

to behave

as an agent

to apply what I learn

now it's evening

and I wonder

where my mind will go tonight

and will You allow it

to return

when it is bright?

I pray that You will

for I want

to keep striving

either way

I look forward

to that fateful horizon

12/21/2020

if you're looking for glasses

let me give you a hint

you won't find a pair

that don't have a tint

a lens that colors

the truth with a hue

a frame that reframes

yet limits your view

now if you're looking

for unfiltered sight

the worldviews won't lose

without a fight

and if you're looking to see

with the naked eye

the world will seem blurry

the more that you try

so if you're looking for

sharpened perception

clarity in vision

filter for deception

how about searching

this life for a pair

that if it must tinge

increases your care?

not rose-colored but bright

one that captures more light

to make you most aware

11/25/2020

Whim and Will

went up the hill

to fetch a pail of water

halfway up

Whim stopped to sup

and felt it shouldn't bother

Will trudged on

till nearly dawn

and felt itself grow stronger

should Will rise

with weary eyes

and find no well up yonder

Will still could bound

whatever mound

and gain from each disaster

but should Whim find

while far behind

a magic source of water

to what end

would it be drinking then?

for what purpose would Whim wander?

10/10/2020

the cocoon is too quiet

not much happens inside

sure I am growing

but also I hide

yet the sky is too open

too much could occur

it doesn't feel safe

it doesn't feel sure

so what better compromise

what more brilliant design

could there be than to have

night fall and sun shine?

a time to cocoon

by myself to revive

and then sets the moon

and I spring forth alive

9/27/2020

faces in boxes

appear on my screen

each one a portal

to a world unseen

and my face on theirs

appears as I speak

from my words they get

of my world a peek

see me, my eyes plead

learn me, know better

theirs say the same thing

write their own letter

I read it, I do

each one, I try to

I dare not spurn it

would not deny you

from you all I ask

is the same in kind

I am not asking

that you read my mind

at least read my heart

and know what you see

in my face and box

is not all of me

you are in your box

I am in my own

boxes together

together alone

8/3/2020

she sits alone at a swing set

from the chains her long legs sway

if the passersby could hear her heart

her heart would softly say

I'm out here because I miss it

the air feels beautifully still

I see those around me changing

I feel myself distill

every childhood ends

but it never goes away

how precious were those moments

how precious is today

she dangles from the swing set

and from her heart she prays

oh Lord of space

oh Lord of time

make time a friend

a friend of mine

she sits alone at sunset

she feels yesterday's trace

dreaming at the swing set

tomorrow's smile on her face

7/15/2020

when this is over

this pressure we're under

will we know why it happened

or will we still wonder

will we meet up

like we used to before

of our old lives will we find

we want less or want more

when this is over

will we be kinder

will these months have served

as sufficient reminder

will we say hey

it's been a while

pulling down our masks

to see each other smile

will we find joy

in simpler things

will months stuck nested

have strengthened our wings

when this is over

how will it end

will we prove we'd been listening

find our world on the mend

will we have figured out yet

what it is we should hold dear

will those of us left standing

understand why we're here

6/13/2020

why won't it grow?

she stares at the pot

it will never sprout

that is what she thought

why won't it flower?

it has been so long

days now she's been waiting

there must be something wrong

when will it bear fruit?

no one has advice

if only hers were like the others

wouldn't that be nice?

they say good jam takes patience

bring it to a boil

don't forget to lick the spoon

or the whole thing you could soil

6/3/2020

mirror hanging from my door

you might as well be merely glass

your reflection shows no more

than a blinking, breathing mass

mass with features I don't know

your face looks old yet new

I'd like to get to know you though

if you're someone I once knew

eyes that blink and drip and smile

I glimpse in you a soul

I see now that it's been a while

since I've felt this whole

5/25/2020

I will not let you wrong me twice

I say this more for me than you

the second time not playing nice

by bringing me to wrong you too

I will not let me wrong myself

you do not deserve control

over the state of my mind and heart

nor the purity of my soul

I will not let this bring me down

not when I have You

to You I turn and ask for help

that You may see me through

5/8/2020

tugging at the leather in your palms

you wonder where you went wrong

the reins might be in your hands

but the legs to the horse belong

and the horse might feel in instinct

that his muscles are in control

but his hooves give way to the earth

as though he were still a foal

and the flesh beneath the rider

and the dirt beneath the horse

and the plates that shift the soil

none of these plot the true course

at the mercy of God's design

your accountability still remains

though you are but a soul in need

here you are holding the reins

4/8/2020

good morning sings the sunshine

wavering over my head

so from the pillow I lift it

then plop back down instead

hello to you chitter the birds

miss perhaps may we have a word

we could fall silent for you

but we know this is not preferred

how bright the day when it is new

how life could be if you but knew

thank you birds I like your sounds

I am happy to be here too

my problems they are still the same

my situation does remain

but I could change it all today

recharged from a prior drain

and should I stumble I would learn

get more humble and try again

change comes just when You decide

and I have bliss from way back when

I choose to be my sunny self

today like days before

thank You for my soul my Lord

out of each day I get more

3/24/2020

the end of the world has been cozy

I'm spending it with people I love

my glasses and cheeks have gone rosy

the peace in my heart from Allah above

though I mourn for those

who've lost income and loved ones

the desolated, isolated

faith through my blood runs

so let the world halt

let every system upend

let's see canceled all the things

we never thought could end

how humbling the crash

the untethering tether

the shutdown that tells us

we are down, but down together

let life go online

just for a month or two

I pray for our health

through this hullabaloo

in solitude take solace

stay calm and know gratitude

do not panic in pandemic

hoarders, fix your attitude

think of others and reflect

on the state of the Earth

I am honored to bear witness

I anticipate rebirth

when fade out the sirens

like a forgettable refrain

when the interminable ceases

and only You remain

2/22/2020

oh what am I

to do with me?

I've got no mug

I'm making tea

to fetch the leaves

I braved the woods

but left my pail

to get the goods

so I returned

with nothing more

than what my arms

could bear to store

all this bounty

in thriving bloom

has no outlet

I've got no room

so what am I

to do with me

when fruits are ripe

but this tall tree

stretches higher

than I can reach?

I pray that it

might drop a peach

and if it won't

then I'll dread not

hunger so much

as wasteful rot

for I can feel

my soul mature

twice the wisdom

yet half as sure

should I grab hold

and shake the trunk?

scale the branches?

snap off a chunk?

find a ladder

so desperately?

target one fruit?

a different tree?

time turned precious

I can't commit

but even worse

would be to quit

I must harness

my volition

may my harvest

yield fruition

1/31/2020

tongue, you reckless actor

learn to consult me first

what good is it to plan ahead

if you'll put forth my worst?

hands, you first went up in prayer

the minute I arose

establishing my best intentions

it was goodwill that I chose

heart, you served me well

brain, you made me doubt

and second-guess myself

and then the words popped out

tongue, you slippery filter

I'd say you're a little too quick

yet were it not for the dirty water

in my brain, you'd have done the trick

tongue, by addressing you

I dismember you, find a way to blame

a part of me without blaming myself

as if it isn't all the same

tongue, accept my apology

I don't always use you as I should

my miraculous muscle, we'll try again

may tomorrow our words be good