Dear Carolyn: I am in a very happy relationship with a great guy. We have been together a few years now but there is one issue. My boyfriend has a very close girl friend whose presence is a thorn in my side. When we first started dating and were asking the standard closest friend/who knows you best questions, she was the answer. He has since casually mentioned that years ago she confessed her love to him (he did not reciprocate). He also says she tells him everything.
While I understand they have been close friends for a long time, I cannot help being irked at their friendship. She seems to reach out to him on a somewhat regular basis to meet up for drinks; other times they go to movies and do other activities. He seems to think this is no big deal and doesn't understand why I am bothered by an innocent friendship.
X Boyfriend
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I can be OK with their friendship for months at a time (occasionally giving myself a pep talk to not let it bother me), but every once and in a while I just totally lose my cool over it and all my worries and insecurities bubble to the surface. They do have a natural chemistry and more similar backgrounds/personalities than my boyfriend and I, who despite our differences are a good match.
It seems to me that she still may have feelings for him, and I don't understand why this girl hasn't taken a step back. I wouldn't mind if they hung out in groups and caught up every now and then, but I selfishly want to be the most important girl in my boyfriend's life, and I feel threatened by this lingering close friendship. I wish I could have the self-confidence to not worry about it, but nothing I do seems to work.
That never works. What does work is taking control only of what's yours. Namely: "I selfishly want to be the most important girl in my boyfriend's life." That's yours. That's what you want, and it's right because you get to decide what's important to you. (Yes, just as this friend can choose to stay close to a guy who rejected her romantically, and just as your boyfriend can choose to stay close to his female best friend despite your discomfort with her.)
And since that's what you want, own it. Sure, do another round of thinking and trying to accept the status quo, and see what you can do about bringing the friend into your life, too, instead of just hearing they've gone to a movie. Best friendships belong in the fabric of a couple's shared life, not skulking off to the side. But if you ultimately decide you can't see her as anything but a threat, then that's what you say. "I can't stay in a relationship where I'm constantly looking over my shoulder." In other words, you can't make anyone let go but you.
I think your chart is infinitely more realistic than that stupid doctor's one. from now on, whenever I feel like crap, want to stay home from school, and my mom asks "how are you feeling?"; I'll show her your chart and be like "don't doubt my pain, woman!" while pointing angrily at 8 or 10 or something. She'll believe me then, I bet.
I want a chart like that to outline erotic arousal. I feel like we could sell it to undersatisfied woman around the world and get super duper rich and oh wait am I supposed to be asking about how the boyfriend is doing cause I'd much rather just work toward global domination as per usual?
I'd glad you started with a straight face. Sometimes I laugh when I'm in pain, but those are small pains that are kind of mixed up with funny situtations. Like spinning around in my wheely chair and banging my knee on the metal filing cabinet. That hurts. But it's also funny.
Holy. Shit. New universal chart, ahoy.
Also, your interpretation of the real doctor's office chart is perfect. Whenever I'm there I think about child birth and how it was pretty much #10 times A THOUSAND and then I get really irrate and my doctor is always snippy because I'm in full asshole mode by the time she shows up.
Fabulous! I love your chart and will take it to my fibro doc the next time I go. I will point to the one with blood dripping out the eyes and say, "THIS is my pain, and THIS is why you need to give me better drugs."
Boyfriend has Ebola. When you go to the funeral wear a low cut black number, but not too low that you look like a whore...and sensible shoes.
hey, get your follower "Ben" to send me pictures of himself coming out of the shower.
Right now im feeling like a 6 on your chart.
Im laughing so hard that tears are running down my eyes...hahahahahahafucccck....
I hope hahahahah your hahah boyhahahhahahfriend gets wellhahaha soon , hahahahaha, sorry, i cant stophahahaha.........
I'm glad it's nothing serious (the 'graveside' image I posted on the forum had me wondering, "What if he dies and I've been totally inappropriate with this picture?", but then I shrugged my shoulders and posted it anyway).
Your interpretations of both graphs are hilarious. I look forward to your representations of the erotic chart that Ben suggested, above.
I really, really hate that chart (their chart, not yours). Everytime they ask me to rate my pain I want to scream, "It's a 12!!!" but then I think they'll think I'm trying to score the good drugs (which I totally am but they don't need to know that and also I'm a giant wuss so any pain is like a 40 on the richter scale). I also think everyone who sees me think I totally look like a druggie but I forget that I no longer wear the goth makeup because I'm a GRANDMOTHER now (poor planning having a kid while I was in college) and I look old and no one expects old, respectable people to be trying to score the good drugs and so I can scream its a 12 and no one will think anything of it...and yeah I hate those charts. I'm glad your boyfriend doesn't have ebola because that is freaking contagious.
They have these same kinds of charts ("feelings" pictures) in some special ed classrooms, to better allow the kids to express themselves. One time I walked in and this kid was screaming his head off (like #10 on your chart) while pointing to a face on the chart that looked exactly like what he was doing. Like in case it wasn't clear.
I want a feelings chart. Sometimes it's hard to use my words.
Ummmm? Allie?? I totally posted a comment earlier (I KNOW I did!)....now it's gone. I'm getting a bit paranoid as all my comments seem to be disappearing (not just from your blog...but I'm just saying...) (dontcha love me anymore? :-( )
I am super fucking tempted to proudly display your scale of pain in the cube of awesome. It would no doubt prove useful in effectively articulating just how much pain someone else's stupid is causing me.
Don't you think there is something odd about (or to be more accurate not odd) about the pain scale. I demand my right not to have to express my pain in an even way....
There should be an expensive and ultimately waste of time investigation in to the declining use of odd numbers in medical practices, perhaps Sesame Street could lead a campaign for the protection of odd numbers...
It took me a really long time to stop laughing which is kind of sad because we're talking about hurt people here and now I'm wondering what kind of person I really am laughing at hurt people....
Then I realized I need a chart like this but for urgency. When project managers come up to me at work and demand things done NOW because it's so URGENT and the boss is going to rip arms and legs off and decapitate people if this stuff doesn't get done and now all these people's fates depend on me it would be super useful to have a chart to point and so I could calmly:
1. Ask them to rate their emergency.
2. Compare their face to the chart to see if they're exaggerating.
You have no idea how happy you have made me. I always felt like the facial expressions were completely disconnected to the number scale. Totally fucked up.
Also I am so happy to have found your blog tonight and you can imagine my joy when I discovered you are in Hamilton while I am from Missoula.
Happy days
Your wit astounds me. I literally almost peed my pants just now, while crying, because of your new chart. I showed it to my friend who is in Physician's Assistant school. She said she just might put that up in her office one day.
you need to sell this shit to hospitals and doctors ASAP. I mean like every last one of them. I've never seen the original chart but everytime I go to the hospital (read: a lot) they ask me to rate the pain. And I'm all, well my 8 may not be your 8 so can we discuss this further? Then they roll their eyes and I'm worried they put danger in my IV.
Same thing happened to me! I had eaten a beet salad and forgotten about it, then had some mussels and fries. So when I had blood red diarrhea later on, I of course figured I was dying and we rushed me to the ER. I did figure it out before I got anally probed, though!
honestly, i don't even understand why those charts are relevant for adults. at age 25, i'm pretty sure i could accurately describe how much pain i'm in without pointing to a chart. but if they insisted on presenting me with a chart, i'd rather it be yours. because then at least it'd be funny. except in the event my pain was from a broken rib. i hear laughing hurts when you've got a broken rib.
I'm going to be having a baby at any minute now (the people in elevators keep asking me not to have it there...um...OK?), and I'm TOTALLY printing out your chart to bring with me to the hospital to point to when someone asks me how much it hurts.
Thank you for this service to humanity.
A picture is worth a thousand words, which means this post is like 19,000* words long and should probably get over yourself, Miss Jibba-jabba.
*I'm counting each head as a seperate picture because according to the Supreme Court that's the only Fair way. (See Scope's Monkey Trial for Details.)
When I went to the ER for stabby gallbladder pains last year, I was definitly near an 8 or 9 on your chart. So much dry heaving. So much crying. Thank God for morphine or I might have lost it right then and there... 152ee80cbc
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