Never miss out on being the coolest guy / Gal at the party again. 

So authentic to the original that even Hugo Boss himself wouldn't even know it was off-brand - Even if he was still alive! 

Whether it's the Soviets or Expansionists, old habits seem hard to shake for Mother Russia. 

Same for your alcoholic habits.

 Follow your ancestors into dependency on the drink, stave off the northern winds and buy the most esteemed of potato-instilled frontal-lobe sand-papering beverages! 

Wow, isn't the universe sort of like a watch? 

Someone created the watch right? 

...

Do you have a loved one who needs a mechanical replacement? 

Are you an out of site out of out-of-mind sort of person? Do you not care if a stranger's loved one goes missing? 

Then congratulations, this product is for you! 

And harvest a heart for yourself while you're at it.