What Would You Think?

Lauren Deaton

Dear Little Me,

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time wondering what you would think of me—if you’d be proud, excited for where your future is headed. Your eyes were always so full of love and joy and your heart so full of hope. Would you still look proudly at me, with my weary eyes and weighted smile? I don’t know, but on good days I like to imagine you would. 

I do know for a fact you’d be glad you never stopped reading, delighted that you’re an English major, that your life is still steeped in story. You read and you write all the time, and it’s so much harder than you thought it would be but somehow you still love it. And you love college—you spent so much of your life being told you were an old soul and now you feel like you’re finally growing into your personality. You do miss home, kind of a lot more than you thought you would. You, who were so desperate for a new adventure, to be in a different place, with big dreams and an even bigger heart, turned out to have a big soft spot for home. But in a way, missing home is something you love—calling your parents,  being grateful for the incredible people who make your life so bright. And you’ve found some really amazing friends in Pittsburgh too—that’s right, Pittsburgh, a city you had absolutely zero concept of as a kid. Through a series of taking chances and oddly specific signs from the universe, you ended up here. 

And you are fun and funny, obsessed with movies, with a music taste you think is incredible and a parasocial relationship with Phoebe Bridgers. You don’t swim anymore, or really even run, but you love exercising again. The body that as a kid you so happily called your home you now have a complicated relationship with; with its curves and its stretch marks, but also with its memories and its smiles and its capacity to dance. You have bangs again, and you absolutely love them (bet you never thought that would happen after you chopped them off). You wear clothes you like, and sometimes ones you don’t, but you’re figuring it out. 

You’re figuring a lot of things out. Anxiety is really hard and scary and daunting, but I think even as a kid you were already beginning to learn that. Your health will be worse and more frustrating than you want it to be, your body not keeping up with everyone else’s your age—but even still that doesn’t stop you from living as best as you can. Most of your life is really good, and you’re really thankful. 

If I could look back in time and tell you anything I would say: 

1) Please for the love of God save more of your money, you really do not need all of those clothes I promise.

 2) It really is all about balance, of work, of food, of fun, of everything. 

3) The right people will stay, and they will make your life so amazing. 

4) Be who you want to be, not who other people tell you to be. 

5) Love yourself; you’re always going to be stuck with you, you might as well love her. 

6) Be nicer to your parents, they’re really incredible. 

7) Keep chasing those dreams, they’ve gotten you this far, keep going after them.

You’re a really cool kid, like honestly I look at pictures of you and you’re kind of iconic. Life is gonna be life, make the best of it, you got this. I love you. 

Love, 

You

Edited by Kaitlyn Seydel & Kate Castello