I Want to Believe

Gabriela Amorim

The idea of religion scares me. 

I know that might be a strong statement to make, but it’s the truth. I grew up in Brazil, a very religious country, and I was raised to pray every single night and ask for help from my “guardian angel.” If things went wrong, I was taught to believe by my family members that it was because I didn’t pray hard enough. Thankfully, my parents weren’t extremely religious. They definitely are believers but they never forced us to go to church—we were more of a lowkey version of Catholics. My grandma, however, had a small chapel in her home where she prayed every day. She had a collection of rosaries, and many statues of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and angels. Even though my grandma and I had different views, it never affected our relationship. I remember calling her on Facetime when I was around 16 and explaining to her how I didn’t feel comfortable being religious, specifically Catholic, due to the exclusionary attitude the religion held towards different groups of people. She explained to me how she understands my feelings, and for her, religion is a helpful tool in experiencing peace. She loved the idea that she would be able to watch over her family after death and spend the rest of eternity in Heaven with her family around her. 

The idea of Heaven never sat right with me though, I truly believe that after death there is just emptiness. Not a bad emptiness, just peace really. I always loved the idea that this life is all there is for us, it has made me appreciate every single day more knowing that after this, life is really just over. 

When I tell my mom this, she asks me if it doesn’t make me feel sad, knowing that I don’t believe in the afterlife, and for a while, I told her it didn’t—and that’s because I never really experienced a death in my family. But, in June of 2021, I finally experienced the feeling of grief. My grandma died on June 24th from COVID-19 after fighting for a month. Before her death I kept having dreams of being back in Brazil with her, as if I had never left. It felt peaceful, it

felt warm, it felt like I truly was there with her. And every day I would wake up feeling the dread of knowing I was 5,059 miles away from her while she was fighting to stay alive and all I could do was hope she would get better. I couldn’t be there for her—none of us could.

 One morning I woke up and felt weird, I had been crying all night, unable to fall asleep from thinking about my grandmother. I went downstairs and saw my mom sitting down on the couch, she looked up at me and I saw her face. I knew at that moment that my grandma was no longer with us. 

I didn’t know what to do except be mad, mad at a “god” who took away one of the most important people in my life. I wanted to believe that there was a heaven so I could see her again, and feel her spirit around me, and I tried so hard and looked at every single “sign” as a message from her. I felt so alone for months because no one in my family understood what I was going through, they all believed. But this loneliness ended when I listened to the song Chinese Satellite by Phoebe Bridgers. The lyrics from the song that stood out to me are: 

You were screaming at the Evangelicals 

They were screaming right back from what I remember 

When you said I will never be your vegetable 

Because I think when you’re gone it’s forever 

But you know I’d stand on the corner 

Embarrassed with a picket sign 

If it meant I would see you 

When I die

Sometimes when I can’t sleep 

It’s just a matter of time before I’m hearing things 

Swore I could feel you through the walls 

But that’s impossible 

I want to believe 

This song helped me strengthen my beliefs that there truly is nothing after death—and that can be really beautiful too. 

I find happiness in knowing that my grandmother is at peace. And though I wish I could believe in some form of the afterlife, what brings me the most comfort is knowing that we are living our one life to the fullest extent possible, whatever that means to each person. Whether you are a believer or not, we can all enjoy our life on Earth and look back on beautiful memories of the people who are no longer with us without longing for the time you are finally reunited. Live your life for the people that have left you, live your life knowing they are proud of you and you don’t owe anyone anything. I believe in peace and serenity because of Chinese Satellite.

Edited by Lauren Myers & Kate Castello