Best Four Years?

Lauren Deaton

I love college…but it also makes me want to scream and pull my hair out. 

There’s this perception that college is supposed to be the best four years of your life, and it can be really wonderful—full of freedom, the chance to express yourself on your own, learning about things you’re passionate about—there are so many things that can make college amazing. Yet, college is also really, extremely, sometimes overwhelmingly, difficult. 

College is a different kind of workload from anything I’ve experienced before. I took lots of APs in high school and often felt like I was doing the absolute most, and for high school me, I was. But college is a whole different ball game, with massive amounts of reading, writing, and attempts to grasp abstract concepts on my to-do list every week. College is a constant stream of work, you’re never truly done with anything, at least not until the semester is over. There’s always something else you could be doing, something else that your energy could be pouring into. Not to mention, being a college student doesn’t mean only doing schoolwork—it also means trying to figure out your career aspirations, finding internships, and probably working at least a part-time job, all while maintaining a semblance of a social life. College is an extreme balancing act, demanding your attention in many places at many times. 

Being a sophomore, I’ve been feeling this more than ever (and I anticipate it only growing); not only are my academics intensifying, but I’m also more involved with various organizations on campus, and at the same time feeling more of the pressure of being a “grown-up”. It’s a lot to take in at once. There are moments when I feel my heart is bursting open with big dreams: excited for what’s ahead, for the possibilities that college is opening for me, for the friendships I have, and for the beautiful city I get to go to school in. And then there are other days where I feel the crushing weight of growing up, of responsibility, of trying to figure out what exactly I’m doing with my life. And I think—a part of college, and a part of growing up—is learning how to hold both of those feelings. 

This semester has proved to be a big learning curve for me in getting better at holding and balancing both. After being incredibly excited to come back to school, I found myself overwhelmed with my assignments and responsibilities. Then, my great uncle passed away shortly after the beginning of the semester and I found myself back at home much sooner than I expected, mourning someone who was an integral part of my life. When I came back to school, I felt that grief hanging heavy over me—the feeling of knowing that growing up also means losing people—trailing close behind. Even now, halfway through the semester, I still find myself falling asleep with the teddy bear made from my grandpa’s (my great uncle’s brother’s) shirts after he passed, a reminder of two people I loved deeply, and who were my biggest supporters, hugged closely to my chest. It’s been harder than I thought to get into a workflow, to really settle into my space, even when I’m living with some of my favorite people in the world in an apartment I love. But there’s also been really beautiful moments, in little things like my friend’s laughter, the way the sunlight comes through my window, or a reading I find particularly interesting; in bigger things like conversations with friends from home, going to concerts, and just spending so much time with people I love. There is pain and there is beauty—all at once. 

Basically, the thing I most want to say is that college isn’t always “the BEST”. College is an intense environment, and you’re often there at an intense time in your life. College doesn’t have to be good all the time for it to still be something you love—there will be major highs and major lows, but finding the beauty, the hope, and the people you love in between, while still giving yourself permission to feel all your emotions, is enough reason to keep moving forward, to keep finding yourself, and to keep loving. 

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As an extra note—it is always okay to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak, it just means you’re a living, breathing person going through a hard thing, or dealing with an imbalance, or feeling unsure, or so many other things and that’s okay. I am able to work through so many of the hard parts of college because of therapy and because of the support system I have—all because I asked for help. You are loved, you are valued, and you deserve to get the

help you need. Visit here for more resources. You got this, and if anyone hasn’t told you recently, I’m proud of you, for being here, for being you.

Edited by Kaitlyn Seydel and Kate Castello