Yearning

If there were a school of yearning, I would be valedictorian. I spent a decade dedicated to the cause. Yearning is all I do. Yearn for a better family, yearn for a good future, yearn for a partner. But somehow, every time I finally get one step closer to my much-wanted goal, I am shoved back to the start. And more often than not, it's usually me who's doing the shoving. As soon as something good starts to happen to me, I find myself wanting more, other things; better things. So my immediate reaction is to retreat from the situation entirely. I often struggle to feel content with the blessings in my life, finding myself searching for flaws just so I retreat into the familiar comfort of self-pity. Maybe I have some sort of victim complex, but I cannot bear seeing myself happy ever. And then I'm thrown back into the cycle of fucking yearning and yearning and not gaining anything. Of course, I have tried to change, I don't want to stay some unhappy loser for the rest of my days, but to no avail. Maybe I enjoy the crash-out lifestyle or something, I don't know.