Journal

This journal is only found on a hidden USB I have hidden somewhere in my office area. I don't like people snooping into my stuff too much, especially on my day-to-day stuff. It's been stressful, so I need to start writing some stuff down before I start losing it. I will start with stuff I remember early on, maybe toss stuff I remember in here and there, though I am quite scared for whoever finds this, as this will have heavy stuff I never spoken about before.

I joined Site-73 as a punishment originally; I messed up at my old site snooping around at my other site, that's all I know. Upon my transfer, I possessed minimal knowledge about Sarkics and the operations at Site-73. I take an interest in people, using them to gain information on my surroundings and help my goals, slowly caring for them over time, which has put a strain on me since now if I lose them, it hurts so much. I feel like I am slowly losing it, losing people left and right. I am scared to get close to people, as I feel like I am going to lose them as soon as we grow close. I think we should start, though, from the beginning of when I arrived.

I was transferred to this site since they thought it was a better use for me, and alongside, I can find some people I care for here. Dr. Mary Rose, she, from what I know, recommended me to go to a site far off from my old one. She noticed my harmful habit of taking interest in people, using them, and then discarding them when they weren't useful anymore. I would drop all communications with them and even stop meeting with them. People would be so concerned about it; some thought I died in battle in the foundation. I never formed close relationships with others because I understood the consequences of doing so; instead, I only used people for my own benefit. Enough about that; on my first day at site-73 I found a few people interesting, whom I could manipulate and use. At least that was my initial thought; however, I ended up growing close to those people. They died, and for all of those around me, I feel like I have outgrown a lot of them while living. 

Surprisingly, a few of them managed to leave the site alive. Ithaqua, my old CMO, is one of them; he got out alive. He was an interesting fellow; he was busy a lot from what I saw, but I helped him with his wounds on occasion, and also he took a chance with promoting me and kaizen. Lianhua Zhang is another person I wasn't too close with, but she was interesting, to say the least. She did many things that were amazing. I am very happy to have met her while she was on the site.

Everyone who has died, whether that be phoenix when I had to do his investigation and then watch him die for his crime, or Narcosis, who blew himself up like a fucking idiot. I lost so many I cared for; they haunt me day and night with me thinking, "Could I have done something to change their fate?" Others assure me it's not my fault, but it's difficult to reconcile that with the loss of those I was close to, like Muller. Tell that to Vlad, who died by Alchemist's fucking hands. I protect Alchemist now, even under a new identity! If Vlad were here, he would be screaming at me for doing this, but I can't help it. When I find someone interesting, I just use them...until they are worthless. It's different now, though; since I care for these people, I've grown to care for them. I keep having this blood on my hands, these dreams haunting me, knowing I am not going to be safe from being damned. 

I am scared—afraid, even—of what is to come of my fate. I won't get to grow old in society anymore, as I am an anomaly myself now. Why did I eat that stupid candy? I keep doing stupid shit that gets me hurt or in trouble. Like the anomaly that killed ulforce for trying to save me. He sacrificed himself to me, and look at me; I am still sitting here useless. I feel like I don't contribute much to the site; why was I even assigned an L5 position? Right now, the heartbreak of Goliath consumes me, leaving me unsure of how to cope. I did get my goodbye to him, even if it's not the real him. I miss him every day and miss everyone who I never got to say goodbye to. 

These dreams of them haunt my sleep; it's a struggle to sleep much, even any at all. I have had so many sleepless nights because I don't want to sleep anymore. I want to stop having these dreams. Even my eating has decreased heavily since I am not hungry anymore, just exhausted. I know I should talk to medical, but I am scared. Ha, very hypocritical of me since I used to be a medical professional, I know, but what if they say I am not fit for duty or I am just losing it? I am not sure, but I know one thing: I am fearful.

These memories of everything haunt me to no end. The memories of my time from when I first arrived here to now. We, the Site-73 survivors and those who have been here the longest, have endured so much together.

I died.... It hurt a lot; the first bullet didn't kill me, but the second one did. I felt a lot of pain, but I felt more pain and fear from what druid said. He said me with no hesitation, I feared him in that moment; hated him even. He said it without even considering all we spoke about and all we've been through. Why? Why? Am I really that bad of a person? He scares me with how quickly he can throw me away, no matter how close we were. I refuse to get thrown away like that again. I Hate the feeling of being tossed aside that quickly, and he thinks a sorry will help? He got the wrong Idea. I hope he SUFFERs like I did; maybe then we can try and work toward fixing our friendship. 

This music won't fade at all, it's faint but I can hear it. The ballroom music, the bard who was draped in white a lord in her own right. She has a beautiful singing voice, I love hearing it as it helps keep me Sane. It doesn't help though when I return there though...when I see it...I know it's all in my head but it scares me. I long to go back, but the thought of returning Terrifies me. I feel the need to return though, as I am haunted by it when I close my eyes to dream. The ballroom, the smell of death lingering around, and hearing the cries of agony and despair. When I was dead my memory is spotty, but I remember hearing the cries of destro and Tokyo sometimes. They were crying for help. I can't sleep, but I keep dozing off and on the verge of collapsing. These nightmares are worse then my old ones....I want to go back to being normal....

They all still are thinking I am fake with everyone else. I can't trust anyone, hush believes I am real though and so does courier. They can be trusted people to talk to, I can believe in them. I am scared/upset of the comments and if people will hurt me. Others can't be trusted at the moment, they are all liars or untrustworthy. I know fully I can trust myself, tokyo, and destro though.

Fucking prometheus is a bitch, forcing me to talk to druid. He knew what he did and abuses that heavily. I got so angry when I was let go and went to punch a tree until it bleed, gravitas came to talk to me and I then spoke to him. He was class'd C of me, I can't fully be angry at him since he doesn't remember though. I can't be angry at a person who doesn't remember, but I can't forgive them either. They are a liars, and I can't trust a liar and someone who would toss me away.

I lost control, Why? I have no idea...I enjoyed seeing them suffer though. They were making me angry with what they were saying. I meant to only punch them off the ruins...but I don't know what came over me. I hurt them so much, watching the blood and their suffering was so nice for some reason. I laughed so much, I found it nice and enjoyable. The bloodlust I felt when hurting them was weird, why did I get it? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I couldn't control myself this time......Am I gonna be in big trouble?.....

I was removed from IA for a bit it seems. It hurts since I been IA for such a long time, but was placed back into medical. I wasn't killed for it, but I don't know how to feel.... I feel sad really and just want to keep to myself if anything. I been laying in my bunks for days with my pets, it's nice to do so I am just going to keep doing that and come out when it's time for my therapy sessions or I want to get up for once.