"Dean Ween Comes Clean"

What questions do you ask the man who has everything?

That's the question Flagpole writer Keith Baitsell had to ask himself when confronted with the assignment of interviewing Dean Ween, who along with "brother" Gene, constitutes, well, Ween. Ween's most recent release, The Mollusk, is an almost impossibly dumb -- yet oddly touching -- conceptual prog-rock album. Flagpole Ad Director Alicia Nickles lovingly describes their live shows as "two guys in the basement singing about beer and poopie." That said, at least you know that when this American band sings in British accents, they're putting you on. That's not always the case these days.

Anyhow, Baitsell, ever the innovator, came up with an excellent idea: why not choose his favorite questions from transcripts of past "Barbara Walters Specials" and present them to Dean Ween? If they worked on the likes of Barbs Streisand and Mandrell, the thinking went, why not some smart-ass rock dude?

And so it came to pass. But alas, it was not pretty. What follows is a highly bowdlerized version of the interview with Dean (possibly a.k.a. Mickey Melchiondo) conducted via telephone last Wednesday.

Ween will be playing at the 40 Watt on Tuesday, Jan. 20. NPR faves and Faubourg Marigny superstars Royal Fingerbowl will be opening. Buckle up:

Flagpole: What are famous people like?

Dean Ween: What are famous people like?

FP: O.K., what about this one: who's the most famous person you've ever met?

DW: I'd have to think about that one for a second.

FP: That's OK. Take your time.

DW: Probably, um... probably Tyra Banks.

FP: Does she say that "TIE-rah" or "TEE-rah?"

DW: I don't even know. I have no idea. She was standing in a bar.

FP: Oh.

DW: Actually, the coolest thing I ever saw was when I went to the MTV music awards. It was the year Tony Bennett had this Unplugged record that was winning awards -- it was his little comeback. Well, he and Tom Jones were sitting at the bar, like, cracking up, drinking whiskey or something. I was like "Hey man! Hey you guys!" I thought I was going to get my ass kicked.

FP: That's great. Was Winona Ryder there?

DW: I don't remember.

FP: Have you ever been on "Entertainment Tonight?"

DW: No. But someone told me James Brown wrote the theme for "Entertainment Tonight." You know: Da na na na na na...

FP: ...da na nuh-nuh nuh. Yep.

DW: And then when I went to see him, the band was warming up before he came on, and they were playing the theme from "Entertainment Tonight." I don't know whether somebody was goofin' on me or whether that's really true.

FP: You've heard of U2?

DW: Yeah.

FP: Now, do you think that as Bono got older, he wished he would have never changed his name from "Paul?"

DW: He was named Paul?! I never heard that.

FP: It's true. Do you think he regretted the change?

DW: No. I don't think so.

FP: If you had to choose "Bono" or "Paul," which would it be?

DW: I don't know. Paul Vox? And what's "Bono" anyway? It's not really a good stage name, like "Jack Valentine," you know what I mean? It's just nothing. If I had to choose, I'd change my name to Jack Valentine.

FP: What if it was between "Gordon" and "Sting"? Which one would you go with?

DW: Gordon. Gordon, definitely. You know, I always thought that was kind of a low point for Elvis Costello, around the time of King of America where he wanted to be Declan McManus again. I thought that was so wack. I was like, "Hey, it's not like people didn't take you seriously as 'Elvis Costello.'" I'm stuck with "Dean Ween," you know?

FP: Any regrets?

DW: No... although sometimes when I'm on the golf course and there's some old guy who asks the name of our band, I'll say "Ween." And he'll be like -- "Ween?" I used to just lie and say we're Nazareth, until we got caught trying to tell that to some guy in the Radio Shack.

FP: This is what part of the "W" section of the New Rolling Stone Encyclopedia of Rock and Roll reads: "Weather Girls, Weather Report, the Weavers, Jimmy Webb, Bob Weir, Paul Weller, Junior Wells, Wendy and Lisa..." Where are you guys?

DW: That's typical. We get no respect.

FP: How do you cope with all of the critics calling you "The Next Beatles?"

DW: Where do you get that? We're not even listed in the book!

FP: Well, not Rolling Stone, but papers like us.

DW: I like that. I'd love to see more Simon and Garfunkel, John and Paul-type shit, but you know, I'm not one of those people who bangs my head 'cause Ween gets dissed. We're pretty used to it by now. This is our 14th year in Ween. It's horrible. We're getting no respect at all.

FP: Have you ever tried Robitussin?

DW: Yeah. But my only big vice any more is pain killers and pills. I just love that. I can't resist. Like if someone breaks their leg, the first thing I ask is what the doctor gave them.

FP: How do you feel about generic equivalents?

DW: In Australia, you can buy these things called Mersyndol -- they're like muscle relaxants loaded up with codeine and all this other crap. They're over the counter, and I think they use it for methadone over there. So we went over there and we were buying, like, cartons of these things and eating them. But it's not like a party drug or anything -- it's just codeine. I love cheap, fake drugs. Did you ever sniff "Rush" when you were a kid? Amyl nitrate? It came in a little bottle.

FP: I remember the stuff, but I never really got any. Look, how long do you guys think you can milk this rock thing?

DW: I don't know. I still like playing and recording, but there are lots of parts of it that suck. I guess that now my attitude toward it is that I'd like to get paid a lot more money to do a lot less, but that's probably what everybody wants.

I definitely don't want to make music for commercials... but at the same time, I don't have any education. So I'm probably just going to stay in Ween until we're just making the most completely shameful records.