SIMPLE SHOW FOUNDATION EXPLAINS: SCHULZ VON THUN 4 SIDES MODEL
This is Tim. On Sundays he likes relaxing with his girlfriend Sandra but sometimes the mood changes very quickly and they suddenly start fighting without even knowing why. Tim wishes he had an instruction manual for these situations, like a kind of checklist and he is not the only one.
Many psychologists have spent a lot of time studying communication, they have developed several different models for example: Shultz Van Thun - well-known - 4 Ears Model. It is designed to help with communication problems to better analyze and solve them. This is just what Team needs. Does this mean he has to grow a new set of ears? No, the model was originally named the Message Square and it's also called the Four Sides model.
The theory states that every message contains 4 different pieces of information, these are
1.factual information:
2.a self-revelation about the speaker,
3.a message about the relationship between the speaker and listener and
4.an appeal, every message is intended to have a certain effect.
Usually we only consciously to convey one piece of information but all the other elements of the message are subconsciously received by the listener and he then decides how he chooses to perceive them. Tim’s statement: The window is open, could lead to problems between him and his girlfriend.
For him the appeal is the most important part: close the window, but the other facets are also important: I don't wanna do it, I'm too tired today, my girlfriend likes to help me if she knows that I am stressed out. Sandra hears the appeal, but she interprets the other facet quite differently, she hears: I am lazy and my girlfriend is my servant.
The factual information is not actually very important for either of them. Why does everything have to be so complicated? thinks Tim. There are many factors that can disrupt communication: tones and gestures, biased expectations, patience and attitudes, or fears and concerns, can all lead to misunderstandings. Personal history can also play an important role.
So, what's the solution for this problem? Talking. The miracle cure is called meta communication; communication about communication. But you have to be brave to face self-criticism and share your feelings.
Questions like: What is our relationship like? and Why did I answer back? can help here, awesome, and even if they do fight again, Tim doesn't have to worry, he now has a better understanding of lots of problems and can handle them more thoughtfully. Now he is looking forward to the next weekend with his girlfriend even more.
Conversation Starters
Arguing in any language can be necessary but it can also be unpleasant. Discuss various aspects of arguing in English, using the questions below to get started.
Do you ever argue with people? If so, who do you argue with? What do you argue about?
What are some controversial topics that people like to argue about. Why do people argue about these topics?
What suggestions can you give to help people win an argument?
What suggestions can you give to someone who wants to avoid an argument?
How can we cool someone off if they are arguing too violently?
What are some good strategies to use in a formal debate?