My Experience As a Trans Teen 

2/03/2025, 11:46 P.M

The time and date of the time I have begun writing this have been recorded. With that out of the way, hi! It’s me Vicky here. I have a ton to say so unlike my usual stories where I start with something boring like “the sky glowed blue”, I’ll just get right to it since this is a first hand account of a totally cisgender experience. (That was a joke by the way)

Being trans is tough, I’ll be fully honest. It offers you to be your true, non-bullshit self, but it comes at a price, a very hefty one; what would your friends and family think? Would you have support? Imagine how much times you’ll feel horrible because of a yucky thing called gender dysphoria… there’s a lot of cons to being trans. But I’d rather go through all of this than suffer in the body of a man I know I’m not.

When I was 6 years old, I was a pretty happy boy. My mom always told me how handsome I’d be when I grew up, and at the time I just accepted it, I mean, what else was I to say? I guess you could also argue I couldn’t truly process her statements.

Now, I had no idea that the concept of LGBTQ+ was even a thing at such an early age. The way I found out was through the last captain underpants novel, where it is revealed that Harold had a husband. Even then, this still confused me, as the mere concept of a gay marriage seemed impossible to me then.

But this is normal, I was just a little boy after all. However, these early years were the years which contain some of the earliest queer memories I have; one thing I often did was lock myself in my mother’s room and wear her clothes. Dresses and high heels are two items I loved, I loved the way I felt in them, it was a feeling I couldn’t even begin to describe then and could barely describe now. 

I remember walking around the room in my mother’s old high heels, I felt so feminine and nice, this same feeling was something I chased a lot during childhood. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and calling myself “Miss Victoria” as it was the female counterpart to my birthname. Another thing I did at such an early age was fantasize about slowly becoming a woman, the thought always captivated me and I couldn’t deny that I loved it. Yet it didn't stop here, I remember reading books containing these female characters and always wishing how much I wanted to be one of them.

I always dreaded getting caught however, and I still do, as this is something I still do commonly to this day. I am sixteen years old at the time of writing this.

During these early years of my life, religion also played a big part. It still does to this day, as I consider myself quite religious. But enough of that, as I was saying, religion played a big part. That being said, I often prayed to wake up as a girl, but I also feared this; what if I did and my parents saw me? 

Either way, yeah, that was just some exposition to myself. Let’s go forward a little bit in my life, when I was 12 years old.

I was recently given a tablet, a Samsung Galaxy tab A 2019 model to be specific. It was around 2020 when I truly started my online life. I remember making profiles pretending to be female characters that I always wished I was; but this brings up another topic of mine- I never truly experienced wanting to have sex with another girl. Whenever a man says a girl looks hot or fine, it usually means they want to have sex with her or something of the sort. This was a feeling that never crossed me. I can behind the thought that a girl looks pretty as sure, women are beautiful. But whenever I see an attractive woman, a woman that could be considered attractive to a man, I always feel the need or desire to be her, or at the very least look like her. This was an emotion I’m very aware of, I call it gender envy. And I won’t deny it, sometimes it’s sexual and sometimes it’s not.

But back to online things, what I just said is what fueled my roleplaying as these women. I always had fun with this. The thought of being someone as feminine as Rouge the Bat or princess Peach was always amazing.

This roleplaying eventually led me down a rabbit hole; in my preteen years I stumbled across a messaging app that went by the name of discord. Prior to actually downloading it, I did hear it’s name be talked about on YouTube so I knew this app was at least somewhat popular, this gave me a sense of trust.

I still remember what I did when downloading it; I made my profile and set it to look like as if it was run by Girlfriend from FNF. (A character from an indie game, for those who don’t know). I did not know how to work the app at all, yet I remember making my own little server and sending messages, waiting for someone to magically respond. Even with nobody in the server, I still had fun sending messages as the girl I wish I looked like.

Now up to this point I still had no idea what being transgender was, despite me watching videos of trans women's transition timelines as a child and just thinking it was magic. But this would soon change.

I feel like this needs to be said, but my transgender origin story isn't like what most trans women go through. In my youth, my internet access what somewhat unrestricted, leading me to discover discord servers that made me aware of what exactly the LGBTQ+ community was, which was beautiful. This exposure genuinely helped me, as I wouldn't be able to know this much about myself otherwise. My identity would have most likely been buried deep in my mind to this day.

On these servers, I met very amazing people who were almost like mentors to such an impressionable young person like myself. One person in particular helped me with my identity struggles a lot. Prior to meeting this person, I shrouded my gender identity in mystery, as my profile was still set to appear female. I was still male, but I never pointed this out.

One day, February 6th, 2022, I tell this person about my gender dysphoria, about how I wear my mother's cloth and wish I was a woman. They responded by telling me I'd be fit to be a trans girl, which I was skeptical of at first. Not because of the big leap, but because of a belief I had where someone had to be on hormones or other gender affirming care to actually be transgender. It was a hurtful belief.

But after learning that the other person hadn't transitioned either, I decided I would try out being trans for a month; I loved it. I felt like myself and was extremely happy.

Not much happened after this, I continued to dress femininely and even started going by “Kaity” and my popular nickname, “Kate”, I did find myself a boyfriend, but that didn't last long.

Fast forward about a year; my mother catches me online, she immediately questions why my profile is set to that of a girl's. I cry, I give her horrible excuses, but my privileges are gone. This leaves me sad, until much later one I get my devices back. This was only the beginning of my mom being aware of my queerness.

Much later on, I build up the courage to at least confess to my mother that I'm questioning my gender identity. I tell her that I don't know if I'm a boy, as I'm not fully prepared to come out yet; coming out is tough. It's extremely emotionally draining and could be heartbreaking. I dread the day I finally fully come out to my mother.

She reacts in a mostly positive way, which makes me happy. 

This initial event caused a domino effect which eventually caused me to get therapy. At first, I was really happy about this because it meant progress in my life, I'm advancing on this journey; this dream however, was soon crushed by my misfortune. My first therapist wasn't too good, he often didn't call and wasn't really helping. My next one, I'd even go as far as to say damaged me.

This therapist prioritized the feelings of my family, how THEY would feel if I did transition. Session after session I told him I'd be happy being a woman, I hoped for some form of diagnosis, anything, but he just consisted that I'm a “rebellious” boy and that he hopes I become normal again. I still go to therapy with him every Tuesday, I dread it however. 

Today I am sixteen years old. I want to close off this work by saying that if you have an unsupportive family, an unsupportive therapist, transition seems bleak and impossible for you, please don't give up. 

It's easier said than done to say that everything will be ok, when it's clearly not. I know the feeling of being stuck inside a body you don't belong to, I know the feeling of puberty transforming you into something you don't want to be.

Continuing that fight and not giving up is one of the bravest things imaginable. Don't let your appearance deceive you into thinking you're something you're not. A popular saying goes, “It only matters what kind of person you are on the inside”. And inside, I know you're the gender you've always wanted to be.  But please. Keep. Fighting.

• Vickycombz, 2025