The Basics

This page will cover consent & types of sexual and interpersonal violence. A more in-depth look into what is and isn't healthy behavior can be found on our Healthy Relationships page.

Consent goes beyond physical touch. In order to live respectfully and empathetically, both to ourselves and those around us, we must set emotional and physical boundaries. Imagine you're having a bad day and need to vent -- is your normal response to let it all out to the first person you see? Have you thought about the impact this may have on them? In order to practice consent, start by asking, "Do you have the capacity to listen to me complain/cry/tell a story?"

Maybe your love language is touch and you express yourself through hugs and kisses. Asking the person you are engaging with if they want to be touched sets an important boundary. Simply ask, "Can I hug you/rest my arm on your shoulder/kiss you on the cheek?" Remember to be specific with the type of touch you would like to give and keep it to a yes or no answer.

We cannot assume to know why someone does or does not want to engage, whether it is physically, mentally, or emotionally. We must respect their choices and continue to learn their boundaries while setting our own.

We also want to highlight that consent is complicated; it is not a flat yes or no under oppressive, coercive cisheteropatriarchal, racist, capitalist systems. As Nubassum, as relayed by Laina Y. Bay-Cheng, argues: "It is not sufficient to produce good internal states of readiness to act. It is also necessary to prepare the material and institutional environment so that people are actually able to function". In other words, we must strive to fully realize our autonomic capacities, but we cannot functionally do so when our material and institutional conditions are inherently coercive. Bay-Cheng uses the term "strategic consent" to relay how young women (but we want to extend this term to anyone in harmfully imbalanced relationships so they may understand some of their experiences as well) seem to choose being in sexually abusive situations, when really there is a fallacy in the consent they are giving. Click here to read the short article we reference for more context to their argument. We do not mean to present this idea to say that we will never experience choices that feel good, free of coercion, but rather for the survivor that struggles to name their abuse when they feel they may have consented to it in the first place.

Violence occurs in both romantic and non-romantic relationships. Emotional, verbal, and physical abuse are just as traumatic as sexual and physical violence. Never doubt the validity of your experiences.

This section will cover the ways to spot these types of violence, the effects, and links to other websites with many more resources.

Emotional & Psychological Abuse occurs when a person attempts to control, hurt, disorient, or weaken another's mental and emotional state through non-physical means. This type of abuse can occur in intimate and non-intimate relationships and can be used in combination with other types of abuse.

This type of abuse often goes overlooked because it is less black and white than physical abuse, but it is a legitimate type of violence that our society needs to pay a lot more attention to.

There is more information on the specific types of emotional and psychological abuse underneath the Healthy Relationships tab. (ex. Gaslighting, Love Bombing, Reactive Abuse, etc.)

Verbal Abuse is when someone uses words to control, hurt, demean, weaken, and manipulate another's state of being. Verbal abuse can be aggressive or passive-aggressive. Verbal abuse is most common in intimate relationships, friendships, and child-parent relationships.

Some signs to look out for: Frequent fighting with insults and blaming, guilt-tripping, your partner/friend/parent acts violent and hurtful when you are alone with each other but is perfectly social and kind when others are around, name-calling, condescending statements, isolation tactics, and threats.

Some more passive-aggressive statements like the following may go overlooked but let's break them down into why they are abusive:

"No wonder everyone thinks you are a jerk", - name-calling and an attempt to alter your sense of reality by creating paranoia about the people you know which can be used to isolate you later on.

"No sweetie, you wouldn't get it because you are too dumb", - name-calling in a condescending way, by including a pet name it can make you think this is how someone should treat you if they care for you. This is also used as an attempt to make you feel like the abuser is smarter than you, giving them power to control and manipulate you even more later on.

"If you do this, there might just be a 'for sale' sign in the yard when you come home", - threats, used to guilt-trip and blame you for their actions. You are not responsible for the abusive and poor actions of someone else.

"I don't like getting into fights you just make me so angry" - Blaming! This statement is meant to make you feel like you are the problem in the relationship, make you question your sense of self and reality. You are not the problem. They are responsible for their own hostility as you are responsibile for yours.

Sexual Violence means that someone commits a sexual act against another person without consent. This includes: any act that is used to attempt to obtain a sexual act without consent, unwanted sexual comments or advances, acts to traffic, any sexual act that uses coercion. It is wide-ranging and usually is broken down into: sexual assault, sexual abuse, and rape. It is further reaching than this in the non-legal world; including sexual harassment, groping, stealthing, child sexual abuse, etc.

Sexual Violence is seriously damaging to a person's sense of being, mental state, physical health, and emotional stability. The traumatic impact of sexual violence is long-lasting and debilitating. It can manifest itself in many ways: hypersexual behavior, dissociation, depression, hypersensitivity to sounds and smells, anger, fear, and much more.

Wherever you are in your journey to live as a survivor of sexual assault, know that what you are experiencing is difficult and challenging, but you will get through it. Healing and remission are possible.

Sexual Assault is similar to harassment, except it involves physical contact. The definition of sexual assault is "intentional sexual contact on a person that is not consenting or unable to consent that is characterized by force, threats, and/or misuse of authority". Rape is a subset of sexual assault, but other things like forced kissing, groping, and unwanted touching are considered sexual assault as well.

If you want to know how your state defines sexual assault in legal terms click here.

Sexual assault can happen to anyone. It happens to women, men, and people of all genders. However, women, LGBTQ+ people, people with disabilities, and people of color are way more likely to experience sexual assault than other people.

Sexual abuse is sexual behavior or act forced upon a person without their consent. Like all other types of violence, it can be done to anyone by anyone else regardless of identity - that being said, there are multiple studies and research projects that show men are the highest population of abusers and that BIPOC, trans, and LGBTQIA+ communities are the most impacted by this abuse.

Sexual abuse is an act of violence that is used by the abuser to obtain power and control. It does not come from an uncontrollable sex drive or have anything to do with the behavior or appearance of the person being abused.

Sexual abuse is also called sexual assault or sexual violence - there is sometimes a difference in definition. Some people assume sexual abuse includes repeated violations over time whereas sexual assault is only one incident. However you use it, it encompasses the same thing: sexual violence against another person. Some examples of sexual absue are: incest, rape, child molestation, sexual assault, grooming, etc.

Incest is when sexual abuse happens between people who are blood-related or within the same family group. This abuse is very complicated because it creates trauma bonding - where the abuser inflicts an act of violence but also provides other forms of affection in other non-violent, non-incest situations - like affection, food providing, attention, connectedness.

Incest is statistically most common between a father or stepfather and a daughter. The current stat is 1 in 7 families have a father-daughter incest situation. "Incest is considered abusive when the individuals involved are discrepant in age, power, and experience. The argument that a younger person may have desired, sought, or given consent is irrelevant. Those very behaviors may have been groomed, coerced, or generated in response to perceived pressure and/or threat from the more powerful person."

Sexual Harassment is "behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation." The most common example of sexual harassment is cat-calling, which is verbal remarks of a sexual nature that are aimed to intimidate and degrade. Sexual harassment can happen in any relationship!

Stalking is "a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. Unlike other crimes that involve a single incident, stalking is a pattern of behavior. It is often made up of individual acts that could, by themselves, seem harmless or noncriminal, but when taken in the context of a stalking situation, could constitute criminal acts" - Victim Connect

Stalking is defined in Va. Code § 18.2-60.3 as "intentionally engaging in behavior or conduct that places another person in fear of death, criminal sexual activity, or bodily injury." The legal definition of stalking ranges per state - check to see what your state's definition of stalking is here.

If you are experiencing stalking here are some tips on how to deal with stalking:

• Alert Others - Tell people you trust about the stalker and keep them informed on what is going on. Keep some people on speed dial in case you need to contact them quickly about your situation.

• Connect with an Advocate or Organization - Contacting an advocate or organization that understands your situation can help give you tools to handle and report the stalker.

• Document all Incidents - Keep a stalking log like this one. Write down or type up an incident log that includes the date of incident, what happened, who was involved, location of the incident, and if you called the police (badge number and report number). Keep backups of this log in case something happens. Save all emails, phone logs, texts, anything they send you.

• End ALL Contact - Even though this is difficult, end all communication and do not respond to anything they say even if it is to tell them to stop (any reaction encourages them to continue to contact you).

• Take Threats Seriously - Take all threats seriously; make sure you have people, resources and a safety plan in place to handle this.

• Create a Safety Plan - Develop a plan with an advocate that is personalized for you to keep safe from your stalker. Consider walking around your place of living with a friend or advocate to identify places that are vulnerable - consider dead bolts, window locks, etc.

• Call 911 or emergency services if you are in immediate danger - You know yourself and your situation better than anyone. If you feel you are in immediate danger, call 911 for help. We recognize calling 911 is not a viable option for those living with the real threat of police abuse, or if your stalker is involved with law enforcement. Calling 911 must be used with extreme caution, but we recognize that for many, it may be the only choice in our toolbox when the situation becomes imminently dangerous.