FOLKESTONE, Kent - The inaugural Folkestone Golden Pint Awards took place Saturday night at a venue the organising committee still will not confirm, on the grounds that confirming it would trigger a stampede. Billed as "the BAFTAs, but for places that will actually serve you a drink at 11pm," the ceremony handed out 27 awards across categories the committee dreamed up that afternoon, live-streamed to nobody because the wifi went down somewhere around Best Use of a Beer Garden. Hosting duties fell, as they now always do, to Councillor Margaret Prewitt-Vole, freshly appointed Chief Adjudicator of Refreshment, who opened the evening by declaring the awards "scientifically rigorous" and then losing the results envelope twice.
Best Overall Pub went to The Radnor Arms, whose acceptance speech consisted of the landlord holding up a plate of Sunday roast and saying nothing, which the judges called "the strongest closing argument we have ever seen." Runner-up The Brickfield Cookhouse collected the Honesty in Advertising award for its unglamorous but entirely accurate 3.8 rating, with Prewitt-Vole noting that "a venue confident enough to be merely good, rather than performatively excellent, deserves recognition." Black Bull took Most Proper Pub, an award the committee admitted was circular but stood by regardless.
The cocktail and late-night categories produced the evening's tensest moment. The Thirsty Farrier arrived expecting to win Best Cocktail Bar on the strength of its perfect 5.0 rating and was instead awarded Best Reason to Register as a Lighthouse, a joke the committee had prepared before the ceremony and refused to abandon regardless of relevance. The actual Best Cocktail Bar trophy went to The Coterie, whose regulars had already declared it the best place in Folkestone before the judges arrived, saving everyone considerable paperwork. Floc. won Best Craft Beer Selection for putting one of the UK's top breweries within staggering distance of the harbour, a category the brewing industry has asked the council to stop using the word "staggering" for.
Sporting and games categories went to venues that took the competition, unlike the committee, seriously. The Dugout Sports Bar claimed Best Pool and Darts Combined Arsenal, a title the Home Office continues to object to on paperwork grounds. Jam Jar took Best Late-Night Pool Table, judged partly on the strength of its multiple rooms and partly because two committee members refused to leave. Skuba picked up Best Midnight Licence for staying open when, in the judges' words, "the poetry has clearly already run out."
The coastal and harbour contingent dominated the scenery-based categories. East Cliff Tavern won Best Reasonably Priced Beer With A View, edging out several venues that were reasonably priced but lacked a view, and several with a view that were not reasonably priced. The Board Room collected Best Fabulous Views award outright, a decision made entirely from its own terrace, which the judges considered a conflict of interest they were too comfortable to resolve. The Valiant Sailor won Most Recommended Pub By The Same Man Twice, a genuine statistic the committee tracked across three separate site visits.
Community and neighbourhood spirit awards went to the venues that keep Folkestone's outer postcodes standing upright. The Golden Arrow in Enbrook Valley took Best Local, confirmed unanimously by locals who refused, on principle, to consider anywhere else. The Royal Cheriton won Best Affordable Grub, its own two exclamation marks entered into evidence unedited. The Nailbox collected Best Little Pub Near Something, an award the committee admitted was vague but insisted was heartfelt. The Red Cow on Foord Road took the Great Friendly Atmosphere trophy for the third consecutive year running, its beer emoji framed and mounted on the spot.
Old High Street and Rendezvous Street swept the drinks-focused honours. Kipps' Alehouse won Best Value Pint, a title the council has quietly classified as economically destabilising. The Beer Shop took Best Variety, its ale list now formally too long to read aloud within the ceremony's time slot. The Pullman collected Best Pub Food In Town, an award it had already awarded itself several times on its own signage, which the judges chose not to contest out of exhaustion. FARL Irish Pub took Coziest Bar In Folkestone by unanimous five-judge vote, four of whom the committee notes now live there.
Sandgate and Cheriton collected the evening's dog-friendly and destination honours. The Providence Inne won Most Dog-Friendly Venue, its four-legged regulars ranked by the judges as more reliable company than several elected officials present. Finn's took Best Reasonably Priced Drink Options, and Master Brewer at Perries Mead won Best Amazing Food Claim Actually Verified On Site, the only category requiring a second committee visit purely to double-check.
Two special honours closed the night. Keppels at The Grand received the Judges' Choice for Incredible Lunch From Harry And The Team, a phrase lifted verbatim from a customer review because the committee agreed it could not be improved upon. And The Park Inn took the newly created Great At Four Things At Once award, for beer, food, staff and atmosphere simultaneously, a feat the committee's legal advisor again warned "should probably not be possible" without further investigation that nobody present intended to pursue.
Only one venue left with a complaint rather than a trophy. Steep Street Coffee House was nominated for Best Surrounded By Books but disqualified on a technicality after judges discovered it does not, in fact, serve alcohol, a ruling the venue is said to be appealing on the grounds that nobody told it there was a ceremony. Gee's Bar in Sandgate picked up the night's final and smallest trophy, Busiest Six-Review Venue In Kent, accepted on behalf of the pub by a regular who happened to still be there.
Closing the ceremony, Prewitt-Vole thanked the 27 winners, apologised to the roughly 50 venues that received nothing, and promised next year's awards would have "considerably fewer categories dreamed up on the day," a pledge greeted with the polite disbelief such pledges have earned in Folkestone for as long as anyone present could remember, or was willing to admit remembering. The full results, engraved on beer mats, are available at participating venues while stocks last. Coverage of Kent's awards season continues at The London Prat, upholding standards roughly equivalent to Private Eye on the morning after its own Christmas party.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk