Ideally

14 years old, the cycle starts.

i’m not ‘skinny’ anymore. 

on my sister’s college tour 

and my safety blanket is gone. 

my insecurities grew louder 

i started crying, which i hate

i stepped on the basement scale and read

128 

1 pound, supposedly, “overweight”.

ideally i’d want to live in a world where

people’s weight was just like people’s hair color

it would just be something they noticed about you

and that would be the end of it

but ever since then, it’s been eat less, exercise more 

and back then i loved that routine

of a body feeling healthy as well as lean

so i found forms of movement that i liked

hula hooping, tennis, or taking a hike 

but when i lost weight freshman year,

because of depression and anxiety.

my mind would congratulate me

saying “i know you’re sad, but i’m glad we’re finally getting skinny”

5 foot 3

100 pounds

a number that i liked

food didn’t taste too good anymore,

but i just ate and ate and ate until all my feelings were gone 

but it caught up to me 

and that april i surpassed 130

my weight’s high was a new low

as i hid my body with oversized clothes 

i guess that’s just how my body is

i can only do so much to control it

i know losing or gaining weight isn’t inherently bad or good

but people’s comments make me feel like i should

feel happy

when weight washes off

and feel sad

when it comes on again

now when i look in the mirror 

i don’t feel inside myself

my soul detaches from my chest 

watching down at me from the ceiling.

i like my smile 

and how i try to be kind,

but my eyes keep going to 

my stomach, my calves, my thighs

part of me is waiting for things to get bad again, 

for the comments to come back

and for the hangouts with friends to become workouts by myself 

but ideally,

i will someday think of my weight

just like i think of my hair

if i cut some, that’s fine

but if i decide to grow it out, 

ideally, nobody will even care.

i lost weight last week, on vacation 

and I also got sick.

i’ve been getting more attention

as well as advice

that i didn’t ask for.

apparently i could be a bit lighter for a teenager 

and when it comes off slowly, 

they’ll tell me, to “get through that last push”

because, “you’re almost there” 

but i just have to ask, where? 

where am i going? 

why does it matter if my lunch is showing? 

ideally,

now i try

to look at my thighs

and remind 

myself

that they help take me where i go 

help me see the sights of life 

i try to let my soul come back

rejoin my body again

and the two can live as one

without others’ opinions weighing in

now, when i look at my weight

i guess it’s less of a cycle,

and more of a balance beam.

i’m always tilted either too far to the left or right, based on where people will see me from

but, does a true balance really exist?

or is the beam just imaginary? 

i think it’s just there to distract us from the fact that you have to keep walking, no matter what.

but i don’t know,

i don’t know at all

i’ll just try to keep good people on the sidelines

who will help me when i fall

fast forward to today, 

august 24th, 5:58 

i got a haircut 

ate mac and cheese

and took a shower 

i feel great 

my music is in

my true self shines through 

i decide that someday

i’ll get to a point 

where i don’t care if i’m 

skinny 

or fat

or just feeling blue

i hope i find more good people 

that will be on the sidelines when i fall 

oh, and what’s my weight?

well, today i decided i’m going to be happy 

big or small

but i still couldn’t be bothered to check 

i just don’t care 

at all.

:)