The Cut of the Timber

An effervescent wind blew, tossing and turning me. Clusters of powdery snow impaired my vision; only my legs seemed to still be within my control. I trampled through blankets of thick snow embedded with sticks and foliage from the withering trees. I trudged on, my mind focused on only one thing: my fate. 

Ever since the age of two, I’ve been locked in a life of charred breath and broken glass. Living in a cabin deep within the woods, the darkness and solitude brought out the worst in my parents. Their love was only feasible in the warmth, and our life in the woods was not. Over time, their love dwindled, and having no true exit, my parents  created an escape for themselves: addiction. I took care care of them, hoping one day they’d wake up from the torture they had created for me, but they never did. Now, eighteen years old, I was ready to leave the snow, darkness,  and monsters that slept in my home. But right now, I had to find large chunks of wood for the fire to engulf. 

… 

I creaked open our front door and found my parents were strangely sitting on the sofa. Normally, they’re either passed out or hypnotized by the TV. The whole situation unsettled me, mostly because they looked sober. 

“Come sit.” My dad said calmly

I placed the wood next to the mantle and found a seat as far away from them as I could. 

“Come take a seat.” My father prompted

“We’ve decided we want to change, we want to get sober and be like parents to you again.” My mother said, tears dripping down her eyes

“How would you try to be my parents if I’m leaving for college, that makes no sense.”

“We don’t think you should go to college yet.” My dad gasped, as if he had been waiting all his life to say it.

My heart dropped. What did they mean? 

As they explained, my heart sank further and further into my stomach, not because they had asked me to wait for college, but because of the reason behind their request. They wanted to get sober, to try to be parents. All they needed was for me to stay a year and help them, give them that second chance. I was flabbergasted, dumbstruck. All I ever wanted was for them to change, but for them to say this now, to offer this  when I had finally gotten my way out…

I didn’t know what to do.

I stood up and walked towards the door.

“Where are you going?” my mother blurted

“Somewhere. I need to think.”

I stepped into the now field of deep snow, the yell of the wind bit at my ears, and a bullet-like flurry tore at my eyes. There was no option except going forward. So, I took that first step towards where I was meant to be, wherever that was.

…. 

Atop the mountain where our house stood was an ominous cave: a place where nothing could be heard or felt, a place where my thoughts could be free. I knew that was where I was meant to go. I tumbled to the ground as I stepped in, tired from the climb, but also the thoughts that plagued me. 

I wanted to move on and find out who I was, away from the dark shadows of a mountain. I wanted to find my destiny. I wanted to explore the world, meet new people. I wanted to live like the rest of the world, with hope and dreams, with seemingly the whole world at their fingertips. That’s all I wanted. But I felt trapped, my heart was cold, frozen from all the snowfalls of my life. I felt as if my story had ended, that this compound of snow was the only life for me. Away from my parents, maybe, but I was always a part of the snow, and the snow was a part of me. I couldn’t ignore my parents' offer either, it was the one dream that stuck with me all my life, I couldn’t give it up. If a sorry slipping out their lips was a possibility, there was only one answer. I had to stay. College could wait another year, right?

Finally my mind relaxed, and the cold froze my decision in place. I was at ease. Yet, I could not ignore the gnawing displeasure at the back of my brain. I had enough .. no I was going to stay. I raised myself off the dusty floor, stepping toward the cavern's opening. My balance seemed off kilter, as if someone was pushing me. I kept walking, hoping I was mistaken. As I was about to join the white scene outside, a strong wind pushed at me. I tried to walk forward, but the wind was determined to not let me pass. I decided my best chance was to run for it. I got into position to sprint and heard a large crackling sound above. I didn't care;I had to get out of this cave. I went for it, hearing the rumbling get louder and stronger, the vibrations rippling through my body. Just as I was about to join the air, the rocky cavern above collapsed upon me. You would think I'd have a second before I was gone, but for some odd reason it didn't feel like I died at all. It felt as if I was transported into another world.