i love you

I drew a slow, slightly unsteady breath as I thought about what I was going to say. All the while, my eyes never left May, who was slowly finishing her sandwich and sipping on her can of Coke, staring off pensively into the beautifully clear evening sky, as we sat there in silence on our picnic blanket. Even as relaxed as she was, there was still a magical grace to every move she made, and I just couldn’t pull my eyes away. Even after all this time, where this should’ve all grown familiar and mundane, I remained consistently in awe of her. I took another deep breath, and said:

“You know…”

She snapped out of her trance-like concentration and turned to me with a questioning look.

“Hmm?”

“I feel like I don’t want to say “I love you” anymore” - I said.

Her brow furrowed.

“What? What do you mean?” - she asked, her voice cracking slightly. I saw the hurt and confusion on her face, and suddenly realized how stupid I’d just been, and how terrible what I just said had sounded. My eyes widened in realization and horror, and I scrambled to correct myself:

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, wait, no, that came out totally wrong. That’s not what I meant at all. What I was trying to say was that…well, it doesn’t feel like enough anymore, just saying “I love you”. It feels like the connection between us has grown to a level where it doesn’t fit inside those three words anymore. Do you get what I mean?”

May’s expression softened, but she still seemed a bit confused.

“Not…exactly,” - she said slowly - “But I’m glad it’s not what I thought you meant at first. You can’t just be saying things like that, you know, Charlie.” 

“I know, I’m sorry, May. I’m also sorry in advance, because what I’m about to say may come out really soppy. But, what I’m trying to say is…it’s not just that “I love you”. It’s that…your kindness feels like a soft, warm blanket always wrapped around me, keeping me safe and giving me comfort. You know how much I love music; but if someone told me I could never listen to music again, I’d be alright, as long as I’d still have your voice, and your laughter. If the whole world started screaming at once, I would still pick out your whisper through the noise. I’m totally smitten with every thought you’ve ever had, every word you’ve ever said, every little drop of emotion that you’ve ever felt; every room you’ve ever been in, every movie you’ve ever seen, every song you’ve ever listened to. You’re such an integral part of my life, of me, that there’s a little bit of you in everything I do, everything I say. Waking up every morning and remembering that you’re with me makes every day one that I’m grateful for, no matter what happens afterwards. In a world of gems, you’re the biggest, brightest diamond; but your shine isn’t just light, it’s warmth, it’s affection, it’s care. It has shone light into deep corners of my soul, and shown me parts of myself that I had no idea were there; it’s reilluminated things about me that I used to hate, but with you, I’ve embraced them all. If I’m a puzzle, you’re the last piece that I was missing to be completed; if I’m a green field, you’re a beautiful flower blooming in the center, giving everything around it a new magic. If I ever feel like I’m lost at sea, you’re the lighthouse that always helps me find my way back, and you’re the shore, holding me up and drying me off. You understand me when I’m feeling anywhere from zero to ten out of ten, and you’re always there to support me. I’m your biggest fan in the world, and I am so, so glad that you continue to choose me every single day, and I am so happy that you always make me feel worthy of being chosen by you. Your love is the best thing I’ve ever felt. It’s honest, it’s unconditional, it’s almost as beautiful as you are. Because you are, you’re unbelievably beautiful. You’re beautiful on the surface, especially those eyes that just instantly mute anything I was thinking about any time I look into them. But, even more importantly, you’re just gorgeous below the surface too; you’re the most gentle, empathetic soul I’ve ever had the fortune of encountering; you’re the funniest person I’ve ever met. I like to think that I have a vivid imagination, but I couldn’t have even come close to imagining someone like you could actually exist. Nor can I imagine ever being this happy with anyone but you.”

I finally finished, finding myself a little out of breath. Cautiously, I looked over to my left, trying to gauge her reaction. When my hopeful gaze caught hers, I noticed that her eyes had welled up with tears, and she sat there, sobbing quietly, trying to get herself to speak. I rushed to her side and cautiously wrapped an arm around her. She didn’t resist, which calmed my nerves a little. She finally looked up at me again, and I find myself getting mesmerized, as always, by the bottomless chocolate-colored ocean of her eyes, damp and puffy from her tears, but no less beautiful. Then, she spoke at last, shaky and emotional:

“Charlie, that’s…the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me,” - she whispered, putting her soft, warm hand on my cheek, - “I’ve never felt so cherished in my entire life like I do with you, and it’s just incredible. I hope you know that everything that you just said, applies completely to the way I feel about you. You're like…liquid gold; you flowed into my soul with this fiery warmth, and filled in every crack, making me feel more whole than I've ever felt before. It makes me so unbelievably happy to hear that I do the same for you that you do for me.” She took a pause and sniffed, trying and failing to stop crying. She shook her head a little and said:

“I'm sorry, I'm not nearly as poetic as you, Charlie…you're just going to have to make do with me trying my best.”

She laughed a little through the tears. By this point, I was crying too, overcome by the emotion of hearing the things she was saying, and seeing her cry tears of joy in my arms. But I smirked a little at her words, and reached out to wipe the tears off her face.

“Don't apologize, May. That was beautiful. You're a natural.”

We both laughed a little more heartily this time. May took a few deep breaths and finally managed to stop herself crying, and I followed suit. We just sat there in silence for a while, letting the sweet fume of the adoring words we had just lavished onto each other hang around us, as we slowly inhaled and exhaled the feeling. Finally, what could’ve been seconds or decades later, I finally broke the silence:

“You know, I feel like I’m fine with saying “I love you again”. Now that you know the full extent of what I mean every time I say that, I think it’s alright for me to shorten it to those three words.”

I took a pause to lean over and press a tender little kiss to her forehead, before adding with a light chuckle:

“Plus, it will definitely save us some time.”

May laughed and kissed me properly, her lips coming together with mine gently, her hand wrapping slowly around the back of my neck. When we separated, she looked at me and said softly:

“That works for me.”

“I love you, May” - I said, running my fingers gingerly through her hair.

“I love you too, Charlie” - she answered, smiling. Her smile was so beautiful - genuine, kind and sweet. I couldn’t get enough of the sight of her smiling, which was a big reason as to why I tried to make it happen as often as possible. She then added: 

“Happy anniversary, love.”

“Happy anniversary” - I replied, smiling back. 

The sun was rapidly setting, and we were bathed caringly in the stunning palette of colors, as we sat there on our blanket, tightly embraced, bound by bonds that ran so deep the naked eye would never be able to see them. As the orange hue of the sky slowly bled into pinks and purples, I leaned in to kiss her again. Just there, in that moment, sitting in the dying embers of the sunset, tasting the sweet flavor of her lips, I thought that nothing would ever matter more than this mattered - May right there next to me, the irreplicable warmth and softness of her body right up close to mine; three years in, but just as passionate and loving as on the first day. I hoped, in that moment, that this is the way it would stay for the rest of time - just her, me, and this feeling, this unmistakable feeling that everything was, and would remain, just fine. As long as I had her, and she had me. As long as we loved each other.