Embedded Files
Doctor Who has discovered a massive spinning thing in space. He is very excited, and is shouting at Leela and K9 like an over-earnest teenager who's discovered a new band. "Can we go to the spinny thing? Can we? Look at it! It's really big! I want to go! We should all go."
We can't see Leela and K9, but we can guess what their faces are doing. They will be looking at each other, silently weighing up which is worse:
a) dying horribly as part of Doctor Who's quest to experience literally every dangerous thing in the universe.
b) putting up with Doctor Who if they refuse, as he goes from excitement to anger to a six week theatrical sulk.
Doctor Who gets his way, obviously, and soon we're all on this half baked excuse for a space ship, heading into certain disaster. These guys are on some kind of quest, and you can tell because they keep shouting, "The Quest!" at each other and doing high fives.
Doctor Who finds all this quite thrilling, and soon he's encouraging them to drive into the heart of a planet, to see what happens. The standing-up guy looks a bit worried, but I think they've been doing The Quest for ages and they're ready for anything that changes things up - even flying into a planet at the behest of a badly dressed lunatic.
Leela is not enjoying the space ship experience. It looks really cold, for a start, and she's certainly not dressed for a chilly control room with no soft furnishings. Also, I think there was a bit where she tried to murder all the spaceship guys, but they just laughed at her and shot her with 'stop being naughty' rays.
The Captain is trying to cheer her up, but he has the air of a grown up trying to work out how to engage a bored child at a family gathering. Does she want to see how the Navigation Systems work? Does she want a colouring book? Would she like to know more about The Quest?
She does not.
The spaceship crashes into the planet. It is, of course, run by a load of Evil Overlords, who are oppressing the population.
These are the bad guys. The look utterly terrible, don't they? No wonder they are vile to everyone. That guy in the foreground is listing all the horrible things about his outfit:
Very itchy.
Looks like he works in a dungeon for perverts.
Can't see out of stupid little holes.
Everyone looks the same, so impossible to forge meaningful relationships.
Looks like he asked for a cool evil space cloak for Christmas, but his mum knitted one instead.
Unlikely to ever get its own action figure.
Takes ages to dry after washing.
The rest of the guys on the planet spend their time digging rocks, being horribly oppressed and - presumably - writing terrible poetry about it all.
Doctor Who is trying to persuade this one to do a rebellion. He's saying, "We just crashed into your planet, and we've got loads of space guns, and Leela here will be happy to help you kill everyone you don't like."
Leela is a bit put out by this. Yes, she enjoys murder, and has a knife called 'Mr. Stabby', and sometimes laughs when she hears someone has died. But that's no reason for Doctor Who to offer her services without consultation.
But also: yes, she will kill everyone, yes.
The knitted-cloak-evil-overlords capture one of the Quest guys. He is, understandably, frustrated to be captured by such awful looking villains and is being very mean to them in response.
They look quite sad, don't they? All they want to know is, "Why did you smash a spaceship into our planet, and then set murderers loose in the caves?"
Whenever they ask a question, though, he just responds with things like, "Have you accidentally put your clothes on back to front?" and, "If you stand too close to each other, do you get stuck together?"
The overlords take off their hoods to reveal their real faces. These are - somehow - even more ridiculous than their costumes. I'm not sure why they take them off - maybe it's meant to scare their prisoner?
He certainly has responded, but that response is to die. Or maybe he's just pretending that he's somewhere else, being interrogated by someone with a much stronger design aesthetic.
The overlord on the left looks decidedly crestfallen. It can't be easy showing someone your face, and instead of going, "Oh no! The horror!" they just go, "Well this can't be happening - nothing looks that stupid."
Doctor Who has found a couple of Golden Things, which I think is what the Quest people are looking for. He's very pleased that he's won at The Quest, even if he's still not entirely sure what it is, or why it matters.
Slave guy is asking when Doctor Who is going to get round to leading this revolution he was on about. An hour ago Doctor Who was definitely going to do a rebellion. Now he's just cooing at the Golden Things. "You're very lovely, I'm going to call you Jennifer. And this is Bob. And you're friends, aren't you? Yessssss. "
Leela has seen this happens loads of times, and is having a sit down. She's waiting for the slave guy to recognise Doctor Who's key character trait - getting massively excited about you and promising to devote all his time to you, but then getting distracted by the next shiny thing to come along.
Everyone is about to escape with the Golden Things, and congratulate themselves on having done a brilliant Quest. But then Doctor Who goes, "Hang on, these are probably bombs now I come to think about it. "
Everyone on the spaceship jumps up and down in agitation and shouts at Doctor Who. "Why did you bring bombs onto the spaceship? What is wrong with you?"
A normal person would go, "Sorry!" and take the bombs back immediately. Doctor Who seems to be checking that they're really sure they don't want them. "They're very shiny. And you did specifically ask for gold shiny things"
Obviously not ones that were bombs, Doctor Who. Also, it looks like you're seconds away from realising that you've never juggled with bombs, and wondering what that's like...
Doctor Who takes the bombs back to Evil Overlord HQ and now it's time to escape before the story ends. Here we see Slave Guy persuading all the other slaves to run away. He says inspiring things like, "We were born to be free," and "Let's leave these horrible, unrealistic caves," and "This scarf wearing vagrant has put bombs in the planet, and now everything is going to explode - we should go."
They all run off and the evil guys blow themselves up. The Quest is won, and now all the good people get to live forever in a rubbish spaceship.
But it's been a pretty drab adventure, all told. Doctor Who will never mention this again, and there's no story called, "Return of the Guys Whose Costumes Looked Like A Pantomime Horse Would If Horses Looked More Stupid."
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