Embedded Files
Look, it's the Beatles! Don't get too excited though - they're not actually in the story. Doctor Who is watching them on his space television. That's what he does now. He watches other people on TV, when he's meant to be having adventures of his own.
They don't keep up this feature, which is a shame. It would be ace if, during the more boring stories, Doctor Who went, "Never mind these moon spiders - let's watch the Freddie Mercury tribute concert and laugh at Axl Rose's bit!"
Here's Doctor Who himself, twiddling with knobs and such. It's a lovely shot, isn't it? He's probably thinking "Did I set my space television to record Taskmaster? I hope so. I bloody love it."
Soon the TARDIS lands on an unconvincing planet. No-one looks very impressed, do they?
Barbara, on the left, looks particularly irritated by the shoddy design of the planet and is mentally filing it away as ammunition for the next time Doctor Who is wittering on about how he can't do the washing up because he's too busy thinking of amazing places for them to visit.
Doctor Who and Barbara go back inside the TARDIS but - on no! The Space Television has got Daleks on it! Doctor Who looks very vexed. It's likely that he foresees two possible explanations:
One: The Daleks have become super popular and have got their own TV show. Which means they'll be insufferably smug the next time they see him and say things like, "Oh, hi Doctor Who. Sorry we're late, we were at the afterparty for the TV BAFTAs. Were you there? Because we didn't see you."
Two: Everyone is on TV, and nothing is real, and everything Doctor Who ever believed in is fake, and the very foundations of reality are nothing more than an unreliable metanarrative.
He starts having a panic attack, until Barbara points out that maybe it's just that the Daleks are coming to kill him. This cheers him right up.
It is indeed the case that the Daleks, finally sick of Doctor Who, are coming to murder him with guns.
The Daleks are getting pretty cocky by this point. They know that they are the stars of the show, and they are not dealing with it gracefully. This one is just sticking his nose in the camera, shouting, "Hello, it's me, an awesome Dalek. Thank you for watching my show!"
The other Daleks are embarrassed. They have been trying to play it cool. They will shun this Dalek later.
Soon the Daleks are popping out of the sand, shouting "Surprise!" at anyone nearby. This is a favourite trick of theirs, and they never seem to get tired of it.
One can only assume that there is one Dalek at all the planning meetings who, whenever the latest scheme is being announced, sits with his sucker in the air shouting, "I have an idea!" And the Leader Dalek sighs and says, "Is it the one about hiding in the sea or the sand or something?" And the first Dalek bounces up and down shouting, "Yes! It is that! Let's do that again!" And maybe he's the Emperor Dalek's nephew or something and so they have to write it on the whiteboard.
Anyway. This one does it, and now he's all pleased, but I'm not sure his joy is going to last. That's a lot of sand to get out of your vents.
Doctor Who has found a little alien mate to hang out with. And by the look on his face, he's already sick of him. This could be for many reasons, but I reckon likely ones include:
keeps staring forlornly into the distance as if about to recite banal poetry with an insultingly predictable rhyme scheme
stupid hairdo that he presumably thinks is ace
weird glittery clothes that are probably shedding sequins and now Doctor Who's clothes are covered in them and this jacket is dry clean only
underdeveloped backstory, resulting in all his conversation being about sand and how great it is to live on a planet that hasn't ever been invaded.
Everyone has got back to the TARDIS. By which I mean the regular crew - all the stupid haired aliens got killed by Daleks, obviously. But they were rubbish, so this counts as a win.
Usually this situation signals the end of the story, and you can see that everyone is congratulating themselves on surviving another fun adventure, They've even changed clothes and quite possibly put a wash on.
However! Vicky has noticed a flashing light or something, and is tugging Doctor Who's arm, going, "Oh no! The 'Look out - Daleks!' light is still flashing."
The Daleks are, indeed, still about. They've got their own time machine, you see, so now whenever Doctor Who goes off to another story, they can follow him. This Dalek has turned up on the Empire State Building and met an annoying man in a hat.
The Dalek is thinking, "Is this what Doctor Who's adventures would be like if we weren't in them? Interminable conversations with awful people with no evident narrative purpose? No wonder he's tetchy all the time."
This is the Dalek time travel machine. That thing in the middle spins round really fast. I don't know why.
The Dalek on the right is clearly enjoying it, but the one on the left is giving off a strong sense of "I stared at the spinny thing for too long ,and now I need to spend at least half an hour having a calm down."
Next, the Daleks end up on a boat. It seems like they keep arriving just after Doctor Who has left, which must be very frustrating for them. They deal with this frustration in their usual manner, which is by murdering everyone on the ship.
It also makes one wonder - how many other times has this happened? Do they turn up after every adventure after Doctor Who leaves, zapping everyone to death even as Doctor Who is laughing in the TARDIS about how great he is for saving everyone?
That's bleak. Let's not think about it. Let's think about that Dalek, up on the deck shouting "Look - I'm the Captain of the boat! Find me a little sailors hat! Take a picture!"
Meanwhile, Doctor Who and company have arrived in some kind of haunted castle. By now I think they've realised that the Daleks are going to turn up in five minutes, and they are wondering whether it's worth even starting to have an adventure.
Vicky looks particularly irate, doesn't she? I think maybe she suspects that this is Doctor Who's fault. This is her first proper Dalek story, so she's probably asking questions like, "Why do they keep calling you 'That jerk Doctor Who'?" and, "Have you done anything to antagonise them like, for example, destroying their whole civilisation on a whim, or killing their pet?"
In the Dalek ship, everyone is excited because they've made an exact copy of Doctor Who.
It doesn't look much like him, I'll grant you. But they are so happy it would seem churlish to point it out. Not often happy, Daleks.
They're having an ace old time, and likely venting some frustration by making him say things like, "I have ridiculous trousers," and "I only beat the Daleks by cheating," and "My moral compass is compromised by an adherence to a simplistic outlook that does not take into account contextual factors."
Pretend-Robot Doctor Who starts to hang out with Vicky and Barbara. They are very convinced by this not-at-all-similar man, on the grounds that he has equally bad dress sense and a risible haircut. He probably has a series of 'Doctor Who' like phrases built in, such as, "I like science" and "Hmm?" and "Leave them to die, I'm hungry."
Whatever it is, it's done the trick. See how they cling onto him for support and comfort.
This is probably quite nice for the robot after hanging out with the Daleks all day. There must be a part of him thinking, "I could murder everyone, or I could hang out with these girls all day and hope the Daleks don't check."
Luckily, the real Doctor Who turns up. For a while. no-one is sure which one is which.
In some scenarios, this would be the basis of a revealing conversation, where his companions show how well they know the real Doctor Who through the deep emotional bonds they have formed over their time together.
As it stands, Doctor Who just beats the robot to death with a stick. The companions are either convinced - violence is one of Doctor Who's chief characteristics - or they just reckon they'll accept whoever is left standing as real, and hope it doesn't make much difference.
Having defeated the robot. the time travellers zoom off to the final planet for this adventure, where they meet this super cool guy.
This is a Mechanoid, and he's a kind of robot death machine, covered in guns and flamethrowers. The whole planet is full of them, and you can only imagine that they'll be delighted at the prospect of company. "Finally," they'll say, "Someone to use the flamethrower on! I mean... um... would you like to stay for lunch?"
The Mechanoids lock everyone up for a bit. And look, there's already a prisoner there - this guy with a beard. He's called Steven and his main thing is that he's irritable with everybody all of the time for no reason whatsoever.
Get a load of Ian, posing about in the back of shot and looking suspicious at the new guy. He's throwing real 'Alpha male, these are my womenfolk' shapes, and it's no wonder. Vicky is looking at Steven with a very clear agenda of "I'm going to get that thing shaved and lick it all over."
Meanwhile, Doctor Who looks the happiest he's done for ages. I think he suspects that Steven might also be an incredibly violent man, and is already considering him as companion material and visualising him punching Doctor Who's foes in the face.
The Daleks turn up, and it all kicks off with the Mechanoids. There is much enjoyable shooting and lots of things explode. I think that, in theory, the Daleks are there to get Doctor Who. But they become instantly distracted when they see some fun robots to shoot, and seem to forget the whole point of the story.
Doctor Who and company escape during this bit. There's none of that 'rushing in between them to protest the futility of war' that Doctor Who pretends he's into. No, he just legs it, laughing and shouting, "I hope they all die."
Everyone has escaped, and this time it looks like the story is actually over for real.
Except! Ian and Barbara have realised that the Daleks have a time machine. And so Ian's telling Doctor Who that they've decided to steal that, and go have their own adventures, and maybe that show will be called "Ian and Barbara Who" and there'll be a lot more actual science and a lot less 'making up nonsense and hoping that inserting the word 'mercury' will make it plausible.'
Or, says Barbara, they could just go back to their own time and lie about drinking, laughing and watching Z-Cars all day.
They choose that one.
Doctor Who is furious. He was planning a slow, gradual descent from 'very annoying psychopath' to 'loveable cuddly old grandfather', and they're stepping off way too early in the process.
And so this story says goodbye to Ian and Barbara. Off they go, back to 1960s London., to spend their days pratting about like this and rejoicing that they'll never have to put up with The Sensorites again.
This is a lovely picture which sums up how great they were. Doctor Who's first companions, full of joy and life. Very much the end of an era, and a photo which makes me realise how much fun I'd been having watching these stories.
Except the Web Planet, obviously.
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