Embedded Files
It's another week and something has gone wrong with the TARDIS. It's being all weird and making odd noises and basically behaving like the time travelling equivalent of a printer.
Barbara clearly blames Ian. She's glaring at him as if to say, "You teach Science. Science is your thing. Why isn't Science working?"
Ian doesn't know why Science isn't working and is trying to formulate a response that isn't, "Well you're a History teacher and this is a time machine so why isn't HISTORY working, eh?"
Susan is listening to the argument and, simultaneously, realising that Ian and Barbara are almost definitely sleeping together.
Once out of the TARDIS, Doctor Who and friends meet giant ants and giant worms. And giant matchboxes and giant sinks and giant people's faces.
After a while they come to the sensible conclusion that maybe, actually, it's them who have gone all small, rather than everything else going all big.
If only we could all shed our egocentric views with such clarity, and recognise that it is us, not the world, that may be the problem.
That's not what the story is about, though. It's about running away from big things, going "Aarg! A cat!"
There's also a plot going on up in 'big people' world. These guys don't know that there's a tiny Doctor Who and his mates scurrying around under their feet like ants. That's probably for the best, as they'd probably either
a) panic and jump up and down on them, and that would be the end of the show
b) do a comedy double take to camera before throwing away a bottle of whisky
c) gather them all up and try to sell them as collectables on Ebay.
So, no, that's not what this story is about. They've got some kind of industrial espionage deal going on, featuring guns and betrayal and people saying, "You wouldn't dare!" shortly before being shot.
So the title of the story is complete nonense. It should be called "Doctor Who and the regular sized guys who are having a tiff about some weedkiller or something,"
Having worked out that they've been miniaturised, Ian, Barbara, Susan and Doctor Who just go "Oh, OK", and wander about without much sense of urgency. This era of the show is pretty slow, so they know they've got time to just kick about enjoying how massive everything is.
I like how everyone here is staring in completely different directions, all with the same expression of mild interest. Has each of them seen a different, slightly engaging thing? Is the next scene them all talking over each other and simultaneously saying, "Look, a balloon / a giant cat / a cloud that looks like a communist / David Bowie"?
Or have they all had a huge row, and now no-one can make eye contact?
Or - and this is a long shot - are they trying to recreate the cover from the Ultravox album Vienna?
It's the cover from the Ultravox album 'Vienna'.
Here, we see the New Romantic synth pop quartet trying to recreate a scene from "Doctor Who: Planet of the Giants".
Possibly.
Soon Doctor Who and chums come across a massive face of death. This is very exciting for all concerned, and they stop to have a bit of a chat about it. Doctor Who appears to have settled down to have a right good look, and is quite possibly suggesting that this would be a good spot to have a picnic.
The face of death belongs to one of the guys from the Big People World plot. I think he found out something he wasn't meant to, or refused to do something important. He certainly crossed the main bad guy in some way, and now he has to spend the day being a massive corpse.
There is some vague discussion here about solving the murder, but I'm not sure how Doctor Who and company think they're going to achieve that. They're an inch high! Even if they all stood on each other's shoulders, they'd struggle to convince anyone they were a real grown up detective.
Unless they said, "We're actually normal sized, but just very far away." That might work.
Barbara wanders off and finds a fly.
Now, Barbara is generally pretty cool about things and demonstrates a calm, unflappable demeanour in most situations. But this is ridiculous. Look at her face - she's about as bothered as if she'd seen some unwashed cups in the staffroom sink.
It's a massive disgusting fly, Barbara! What if it does that thing where it rubs its horrid little legs together? What if it lands on your potato salad? WHAT IF IT DOES A REALLY LOUD BUZZ RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR EAR?
Anyway. Turns out it's dead, so it's not gong to do any of those things. But still. WHAT IF IT TOPPLES OVER IN A BREEZE AND ITS WING BRUSHES YOUR SHIRT?
Here, Doctor Who and Susan stand close to a giant plug. Too close, in my opinion. If you fell, you'd sort of fall for a bit, then bang yourself on the spoke bits, then properly fall. And you'd get wet. And Doctor Who would probably laugh at you and tut and click his tongue. He's a jerk, sometimes.
This is an exciting shot which suggests that it wasn't just Daleks that made Doctor Who successful. Imagine someone saying, "You should watch this programme - they all go playing in a giant sink and there's a massive worm and a bit where they try to use a phone but they're too tiny." You'd watch that, wouldn't you?
Soon everyone stumbles across a massive notebook which, if memory serves, has most of the plot written in it. That bad guy from earlier has written things like, "Murder Steve" and "Do more betrayal," and "Don't forget about the evil plan with killer insecticide or something."
Ah yes, that's it. He's made a super powerful insecticide, and now everything is dying. That's why that fly was dead - it yummed up some of the stuff and then just died in a sitting up position.
For some reason, Doctor Who is appalled by this, rather than going, "Great! Flies are gross." Apparently we need flies and the like to maintain the ecological balance of the Earth or something. Yeah but, Doctor Who, counterargument - flies are horrible to look at and I'm scared in case they decide to come and get me.
Not so clear cut now, is it?
They all hatch a plan to let the authorities know about the bad insect poison.
Doctor Who has found a massive cork. And he's wearing an unusually determined look on his face, isn't he? Gone is the vague, distracted air of a man who can't wait until everyone is dead so he can go home. No. This is the focused, unwavering expression of someone who has found a giant cork and from there extrapolated only one conclusion: somewhere on this planet is at least one giant bottle of wine!
Incredibly, Ian, Barbara and Susan manage to keep him on task for the rest of the afternoon, though I bet he was constantly crying and complaining and possibly biting them.
Eventually the TARDIS crew win by making a phone call to someone and shouting, "Oh no! Bad insect killer stuff!" repeatedly. No-one really knows what they're on about, but they prove to be such a nuisance that the authorities decide to arrest the bad guy anyway, just to make them stop phoning up.
Doctor Who is clearly loving this bit. Look at him! He's got a cloak on, he's lifting up a massive telephone and he's about to have a man sent to prison forever. You see, Doctor Who? It's not all about the alcohol.
That's the end of that story. It wasn't about giants, really, but I think we can all agree that it's been a lot of fun. And that's without me showing you the picture of the giant cat! Imagine! A giant cat. You'd be happy forever!
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