When do I start healing?

It was an obsession, finding the right way to describe myself to people. Often exaggerating the things I'm still working on. Having the best outfit to be on when I know I'll be seen by many. Making sure that I have listened to my favorite songs to be inspired, to be more in the moment, I need to escape for a little bit. Practicing smiles, not because i am faking it but because I don't like how my lips create smiles yet, i know it's not the best one i got.  Doing the best exercises, and this way, I will feel instantly strong, more in control, and more confident. 

I feel pressured to be healed; all of a sudden, everyone is having plans to become successful, own things, go to places, and do adventures. All of a sudden, it feels like all are moving on, and if I don't move the way they are doing, I'll stay the same, and it scares me, as staying the same looks immature.That happens while I am just discovering what I have gotten wrong about myself that makes me insignificant. The things that add weight on my back feel more than just a weight.

I knew my future self would be happy when I started to work out; it's a visual presentation of becoming one’s self, the easiest way to know someone is figuring things out. And so, I started to do workouts at 12 years old, doing 3 or more exercises a day. And then I felt like i am not making progress, so my first yoga mat; it was violet, more or less 250 pesos that I saved for months

It was all worth it because, first, I never saved and bought something for and from myself. It wasn't as comfortable to lie in as I expected it to be, but at least I am not using just my clothes anymore to do my routine on the floor. It felt like I was more serious about it when it arrived and I laid on it for the first time.

For years, working out has been my go-to mentioned hobby and strength, direct and pretty much no need to expound about when answered and will even be praised at; that's when i thought i know i am getting there, letting them see changes than mouthing it, they say.

And all of a sudden, after a weird and uncomfortable feeling in my legs, I just can't workout anymore (it was something to do with my bones so, yeah); almost felt like I was given a life sentence because working out has become the most important thing for me; to not feel like I am just rotting in my room, not getting better.

My lifestyle changed and it's been a year, but I am still adjusting and not torturing myself about it, and let me tell you, it’s been a hard adjustment when i once decided a thing that will help me be better, is the thing that caused me to feel even more weaker, physically and figuratively.

But I can’t really do anything about it for now but to follow doctors and do as they say. 

I worked and developed everything I know will make me the best version of myself. From making sure my room feels like myself to talking to people. I started to heal the way I planned, the way I needed to. The way I see everyone else is succeeding, all I have to do is apply it in my life; after all, it worked, and people are happy doing that. I started with the place I am always at so that the visual presentation of my health will look better, and everyone I know will remind me that I am doing better.I decorated my room with pictures of people that most influenced me to feel more belonged. I spent money on things that felt like a luxury to me years ago, like a pillow. Saving money to buy and make myself feel like i am still doing it, i am still on track with the plan I made.

But those things only made me question myself even more, because how can a nice desk, a decorated room, buying books, trying trending food, talking to people, and building muscle not make anyone feel better, stronger, and wiser? I clearly don't have the answer for you, but I do have it for myself.

Doing things that we see people do and watching them succeed with those feels motivating, easier, and less lonely, but the thing is, all those same things may only feel right for you if they're right for you, and that’s the hard part. You get to discover, learn, and prepare to do a lot of ‘maybe that’s not for me.’

As for me, I think going to a forest park whenever I can and (when especially) I need feels just right for me; I never felt like I am responsible to go there; I never felt like going there would exhaust me. That place, the first time I was about to go there, I had a very strong feeling of going there; I never cared if I would be lost, and I am easily lost. I got off the jeep wrong, so I had to walk a lot, like an hour, to find it. I didn't have the internet to look for it, as I thought the LRT would bring me there, but it crashed on that day, so I had to transport with the jeep, and it was my first time going in Manila with just a jeep. When I arrived there, I didn't have the burst of feelings; I was feeling exhausted and anxious. I lay on the wood stairs, closed my eyes, and breathed; I found a place where I could feel just right

And I didn't have big realizations that day, in fact, its years after that.

I think I should not have proper, perfect, or ideal days to do things I can to do better. I don't even have to wait to feel better to live like I am becoming better. I just have to be here and do things maybe people aren't still doing; i can keep to myself and do it over and over again, and if i get tired of it, maybe I get to do common things that make me want to find the small beautiful things in life. Waiting has always been my biggest test in life, and in my 20 years that hasn't been really helpful, and it’s all I know now, and I think that’s fine.

And i can also do ‘successful things that successful people do’ with just how i am right now and find out if the thing made me happy, and that’s when I know when becoming better, stronger, wiser, and happier is not the same to everyone, and that's the beauty of it; i get to find my way to heal.