The Wider Context
Analogies and reoccurring personalities
As we look at a single cell, at a DNA or a mitochondria we see how complete and amazing they are both in form and function. They are curious living creatures. Then these cells, according to their coded-in information transform to a particular type of cell, a kidney cell, a liver cell, a neurone, a lung cell, a cell of an artery. The cells then stand together in well-defined order and create a tissue. Through their intelligence the tissue parts join to form a specific combination, and together they make an organ, each having its place at various parts of the body, with different necessary functions. They make intelligent and adaptive systems.
According to Rupert Sheldrake’s theory of morphic fields, the cells have an individual memory that they inherit from previous similar cells, in the form of a certain resonation. It is this resonance or energy that helps the cells to ‘define’ what they should become because the memory tells them which shape proved to be most useful in the past and which proved to be problematic. How incomprehensible is the consciousness that is driving the whole process, how amazing is the power behind it?
Or, look at the magnificent Byzantine and Roman mosaics, and see how each little particle becomes a significant part of the masterpiece. Their colours, their positions and relations to each other make the picture itself. This way the single particle grew out its own role as a lone-standing piece and became a non-disposable, integral part of the whole. Let’s see the universe as a standard sample of contextual associations: systems in systems. Micro cosmoses make macro cosmoses while each is unique and organised.
We all know how a single lifetime looks like. It starts with the birth; then we have a childhood, we grow to be teenagers and become young men or women. As we progress in time and age, we get older, and in the end, we die. During the flow of time, we experience friendships, marriage, having children and maybe grandchildren, having a job, we achieve success or face failures, we are loved or refused, appreciated or humiliated, gossiped about or praised. Each of our minutes stand together to seconds, the seconds to minutes, the minutes to hours, the hours to days; the days make weeks; the weeks make months and the months make years, which will measure the length of our lifespan. In my case, the time span to examine the dynamics of events is not a period of 30-40-50-60-70 years like in general but thousands of years.
Interesting views were conceived in old Greek lands. Ancient Greeks thought humankind was doomed to a reverse path from a happy condition of the origins to a state of crime and violence. In 700 BC Hesiod, the famous historian has acknowledged like Homer that civilisations using bronze preceded the iron cultures. We can find his theory of the five main stages of humankind’s past in his poem titled Works and Days. He wrote that the first civilisation was the “Age of Gold” or the age of the Immortals who “dwelt in ease and peace upon their lands with many good things, rich in flocks and loved by the blessed gods”.
The “Age of Silver” followed this idyllic state when humans were less noble. The third stage was the “Age of Bronze, ” and he describes the bronze civilisation as “A bronze race, sprung from ash-trees, who delighted in war and were the first to eat animal food… Their armour was of bronze and their houses of bronze, and of bronze were their implements; black iron did not exist”. Hesiod named the fourth state the “Age of the Epic Heroes” who were an improvement on the brazen race. The fifth one was the “Age of Iron and Dread Sorrow” when “men never rest from labour and sorrow by day and from perishing by night”. He acknowledged rather pessimistically that his own time was cast in the fifth age and forecasted even worse to come when “men will be born with grey hair on the temples”. Plato had similar views when he wrote that “the ancients were better than ourselves and nearer to the Gods”.
Since I first encountered them, I keep analysing the incarnations because I believe there are no random meetings in the universe. We aren’t the same old, and the pattern of incarnations varies widely. Some experience rapid returns while others have centuries long pauses. For me, the average time range between two incarnations is a decade or two, in most cases. In the middle of incarnations, the souls have time to make choices, doing consideration, collecting strength and get refilled with goodness from the true Source.
Each birth differs from the previous. The options one can select from while as a soul ‘plans’ coming down would be defined by her or his karmic influences and desires. Not everything will be available, and according to spiritual growth the ability to select conditions may be entirely limited, often there are no means to select any. 90% of souls can’t choose anything.
Karmic influences also predefine the meeting points between two souls' embodiment. One individual illusion meets the other – as Buddhists would put it. I believe relationships are the most important parts of our life. They define our well-being much more than wealth, skills, health or power. Being related to somebody or something is like having a secret tie, some secret force that binds us inevitably.
In the long line of incarnations, we develop a real four-dimensional network of relationships. If we look at this, the whole humankind (and other creatures) is constantly connected by an emotional and spiritual internet. How are we tied? In multiple ways. We are brothers and sisters. Yet we are not simply connected but one – I will talk about this later - with every existing creature in the universe.
The ties I will be mentioning are the very bounds that build up after direct personal interaction and remain alive through several incarnations. As our emotions build a bound to the subject or the trigger of that emotion, a direct bond gets generated. Love is the strongest, of course. It is the closest to our true natural resonance. There are negative or conflicting emotions that equally bind two souls. If two people have truly loved each other, the bond will exist between them wherever they would incarnate next. If you have issues with each-other and conditions are good enough to tackle the problem you will certainly meet. If not, you’ll meet later.
My idea was that the solving of painful memories should be crucial for a healthy future. However, this barely happens as most people have no recollection of the events of their previous incarnations when starting a new existence. Their chance to solve a lurking problem is minimal. Although the information is there with them, it is not available. Simply people are not ready to perceive it as it is carefully veiled. With reason. Then, such unsolved relationships get frozen in time in case the delinquents fail to meet in their next lifetime. Their issue becomes a kind of ‘impending subplot’ as long as they cannot meet again and continue ‘working’ on it, creating new events and newer emotions. Hopefully positive ones.
If one of you can dissolve the issue alone, like forgive an offence and let go of it, you may not need to meet again. However, such effectiveness is rare. When easing the guilt in the other party unconsciously he or she will catch the 'broadcast' of this sentiment through the personal bond. Time and physical distance are unimportant in the realms where these bonds exist.
To get out of a problematic relationship, one needs learning and developing on a personal level. I mean relationships where you give and get blows on and on, and one unfortunate event follows the other. Love can neutralise these issues, see the case of parting with Karlina in ‘Wingless Angels’ episode. Our stories of affairs ended there, and it transformed into a neutral but all-entwining feeling of love which is more universal and unconditional. Love affairs should develop like this through the long years, ideally. This type of love will be tending toward pureness and God.
When we look at relationship development, as I see, it all starts with a massive conflict when powerful emotions arise, and a bond is created instantly. This living relatedness is a chance to see ‘the Light,' to experience real love. So, this bond will ensure the two entities will have to meet time by time and go through a series of other interactions while their emotions change gradually.
While the emotions change, the quality of the relationship between the parties will start to change too. When their conflict is not solved by simple ‘Let go’ they will likely to be destined to be close relations, brothers, sisters, parents, sons and daughters of one another. In series of times, generally. Sad news, most of us are very slow learners...
If through these various constellations they still can’t learn to love and let go soon they will end up as lovers. Well, there are many types of love affairs, many kinds of affections, they vary in intensity and the level of committedness towards the other party. Such relationships are a chance again, to clean emotions toward the other and fill it with love, a type of love that is not based on hormones rather on the firm feeling that they belong to each other. If this level is achieved, they probably will be able to let go and still maintain the strong bond, a love-level which will crystallise as universal and all-entwining. Not all relationships go through these steps; sometimes we can quickly jump to the let go level, and it will be solved. Solved but not dissolved.
This kind of solution is not the end of it. Actually it is the start of a more refined relationship outlined with much finer and pure light-like energy from which all parties will benefit greatly - as it will reveal that they are capable of being so pure and loving without expecting anything from the other. It will give them a glimpse of their true forgotten nature, a glimpse of the greatness they are capable of being, a glimpse of God.
Through our relationships we grow, we are sculpted by others, and we sculpt others. We arrive at points of revelations through them, by being emotionally engaged. In case we allow ourselves to be engaged in them. The strongest of all bonds is not the lovers’ but the mother and baby relationship. Nothing can come close to the powerfulness of this. It is unbreakable and determines your future with that person for all the future incarnations. Even in the case of an unwanted pregnancy.
I wished to understand how certain situations have or never have to repeat, how new characters enter and leave my life from time to time. I’m sure their appearing and disappearing did not happen randomly. I was determined to find out the tendencies how the relationships build up or fall apart, how a trauma influences the following events, how long the periods between incarnations can be, and what might be the ultimate goal of an existence because no life is meaningless.
As I am my own case study, I feel it's time to talk about the most significant people in the trilogy, one by one, and how they kept reoccurring. I created a number of tables to outline the patterns and tendencies.
I drew these figures to show how lifelines are crossing, how people meet again, and again. I set 10 seconds in autoplay but I'd recommend to use the arrows and the Enter button instead of simply clicking on the play icon, because it's a better way to control how long you can see and read a certain page.
In the Protector trilogy the first incarnation memories are memories of existence without any incarnation in a realm where time did not exist in a sense we perceive it now. Later some lightly ending-starting subsisting took place. On Earth. And before? I have some information, a picture where I came from, but this is only a glimpse. I have certainly existed before as well, in faraway galaxies and distant times, in different forms. I glimpsed it for first in a heart meditation (Merkaba meditation) after entering the innermost chamber in my heart. There at the central spot, a powerful emotion rushed on me. I WANT TO GO HOME. It was a powerful longing feeling, so intense that I burst into tears. I was thinking so much about where that home can be, maybe in a different realm or different universe. Since then I evade making this kind of meditation because I need to be present in my life.
So, back to our own globe. Looking at the earliest stories in the first volume (Protector I.) we can see how the knowledge of life started to fade away from the earthlings’ existence, making them utterly weak and vulnerable. Well, shamans, knowing women and wiseacres saved some of the secret knowledge, but in the harsh environment that surrounded them they could not see much use of it. Eventually, humans were living like animals, hunting in packs, having no memory of their greatness. Whether this was a punishment, a consequence of something or just a natural cyclical change, it’s hard to tell. According to what I’ve learned Hesiod and the ancient Greeks had the point about the deterioration of human mind and conscience in time.
Then as we progress with the stories, we notice that tough but simple lifetimes follow with heavy labour, severe conditions, and no comfort. Millions in the world share such lifestyle even today. I was a peasant countless times, cultivating fields, harvesting and planting crops season by season, exposed to natural elements. Other times my job was to catch problematic animals to protect the human communities, snakes or else. I lived in mountainous lands a few times, but mostly on hills or flatlands. From these old lives, I can’t recall important relationship information, though some may be lying there, dormant.
Then, as we move forward in the main reincarnation line, I found myself being a soldier and a guardian, as apparently with the growth of population conflicts sprung up again. Being a soldier was not great happiness but a choice, though there had been limited choices on how to live if one owned no big fortunes. As a boy, I looked forward to being a servant, a soldier, or maybe a fieldworker if a plantation was nearby. I don’t remember committing violent things.
Also, I happened to spend one lifetime or more around the place that is today Lebanon and Israel. At the episode titled Jericho, I particularly remember having a small shop. Later too, I had one, only in a different location, somewhere in southern Greece. I enjoyed being a vendor, and I was working diligently, I loved that way of life. At Jericho, I died with my family on a day when a foreign nation assaulted our city. They slaughtered everybody and took over the land and the buildings of the city.
Let’s progress, and we see very short incarnations, like Lions or Little Mistress. In both cases, I died before my age of ten. Later I was living as a slave seller too, though a bit later I was to incarnate as a boy who was sold by his own mother. Clearly, our deeds come back to us...
We see total exploitation at ‘Fata Morgana’ along with a hopeless love. The very lady there might be identical to the one I refused to save at the following Dancer School episode, while she was a slave girl, exposed to the fancies of others. Karma greets in again...
For some reason at a point, the opportunity came, and I became a ruler. I can’t explain why or how I earned it. Mostly I was chosen, or I was advised to take the position. I barely nursed great hunger for power; I was never a seasoned climber. If I took it, I did because I thought I could be of help, having useful ideas. The only exception was at Wingless Angels where my primary motive was to take revenge, though I was told so many things I wasn’t always clear on what I really wanted. In Poisoned I almost managed to be a ruler only I was murdered during the selection process. However, a bit earlier in Git Prince, I was the one who harmed a rival...
Generally, I don’t think that being a king was a great reward, more a very specific situation. I had to try myself; I had to learn to cope with responsibility. It mostly consisted of managing issues and coordinating people; these weren't easy or cheery. I felt quite effective in King for Long. I was to undergo a certain initiation process here and after a while I was able to recollect my past incarnations. As an old man, I was proud that my country turned stronger after years of hard work. I hoped it would remain this way, but I don’t think it lasted. This makes me very sad, even now. It is quite numbing to realise that although you achieve something, it will always be just a temporary win. In the long run, everything is predestined to fail - and to fall in ruins. Even with your best intention, even if you have invested most of your energy and passion in building it up.
In King Babylon – this is just a title I gave to it, I don’t know if the place was really Babylon – I was quite glad that after the many obstacles we could make peace wide around in the country and the population could live in prosperity. I was elated to see that the enmity ended, I was more joyful with it than with any victory on the battlefield. I was never cheerful with those, because it meant inevitable death, filth, and terror, even if we were the ones to win.
However, in the King Babylon story, I wasn’t happy. The woman I loved became my wife, but our relationship wasn’t quite peaceful, only for a few months of periods. I was in love with her from my age sixteen or seventeen, when she was already engaged to a friend of mine. I was incredibly jealous. She had other lovers, sort of playmates. He didn’t seem to mind them much. Certainly, he thought he was the winner among them. I was one of her occasional little dogs too.
My foster father wasn’t pleased when he got wind of how much money I have spent. I managed to collect some debt too, mostly because I was buying expensive gifts for her – or expensive clothes and items for myself to impress her. He was angered and stated that I have to join the army. Hopefully, the military life would put some sense in me, he said. I obeyed. Later when I was already a military officer, I proposed my friend (her fiancé) should enrol the army too. I sent him to the section which was known to be the place with the highest death rate. Of course, he was killed in a skirmish. She never forgave me this. Yes, I admit I had some dark intention sending him there. I just couldn’t bear the idea that they were together, planning to become a married couple...
As a wife, she didn’t have much tenderness toward me, and whatever I did for her she always made me feel that I have no chance to win her real love. She cheated on me several times, humiliating me in front of the court. I turned a blind eye as long as I could, but in the end, I had to punish her and her lovers. Our relationship remained one-sided. I was a king; I had numerous concubines, many people admired and certainly envied me. They did not know how sad I was, how lonely I was feeling.
Very soon after this incarnation, I met this woman again, this time as a raider in Assyrian Marshal episode. We plundered their manor, killing many people. I chased her down a long corridor, and we ended up in a bigger room. From my part, it was love for first sight, though our rapid meeting lasted no more than a half hour.
In this life episode I made a great career, and from a barefooted garrison boy, I became the main army’s leader around in my mid-twenties. I fell for this profession as a child when some troops marched through the town I lived in. I decided that I want to be one of them. Years later this came true. I was about twenty-six or twenty-seven when I was appointed to army leader. I was given a nice palace-like home in the capital city. I was awarded with wives from high-class and prominent families; I collected three altogether. However, I wasn’t in love with any of them, and secretly I still longed for that very girl I stumbled upon on that fateful night.
My life was organised, busy and quite well off when she reappeared almost as though from thin air. And it came out she was searching for me! I was breathless to hear this. We managed to see each-other, and I had to learn that she travelled to my country to ask whether I would marry her. She explained that she had a child from me, a girl. Secretly I always dreamed about marrying her and not my wives but then, she was from a hostile nation, and as a marshal, it would have been fatal for me to engage her.
After spending a few wonderful, passionate months together, she intended to return home, seeing that I couldn’t marry her. She stated so, though she was pregnant again. I offered to buy her a safe place, a house, a villa where she could move in with her whole family, but she refused it. I was desperate. With a heavy heart, I let her go, though within weeks I sneaked away through the desert with a small troop to see her, I couldn’t bear the distance.
She wasn’t safe in her homeland, some of their neighbours wanted their manor and land. He besieged her to wed him. During my short visits anyhow I begged her she was unwilling to leave her land and eventually a resenting neighbour of them murdered her and our two children (the girl, and the small baby). I found her when she was almost dead. Her death was a horrible blow to me. I closed up myself for days with her dead body, not eating, not sleeping.
I was a soldier all my life, and I always thought this profession fitted me perfectly. I was emotionless and disciplined in any situations. I didn’t worry about dying, and I was eager to fulfil the tasks I was given as promptly as possible. I didn’t mind slaughtering people; they meant nothing to me. I did not hate them; I did not love them, they were neutral obstacles that needed to be eliminated. I never had any doubts, as doubts were attributes of weak people. And there I was sitting with my murdered darling, unable to help her, unable to save her, unable to resurrect her.
I never had anybody in my life whom I was really attached to, not even my mother. It was the first time ever that I realised what my job really was like. A military raid was not a heroic bravado, and I was not a noble warrior but a plain murderer, always. I knew I would never be able to kill people again, not as a soldier, not as their leader. I knew I would no more be able to accept death as something necessary, a tolerable loss... In later lives, I was a soldier several times yet, but my enthusiasm for this job entirely evaporated.
After we had been riding back home, I applied to a private audience and explained to the king frankly what I had done. I mean how I jeopardised my troop and the peace of our land with my selfish actions, crossing the border and engaging into clashes with hostile groups (it happened a few times when I rushed to see her). Whatever punishment he gave me, I did not care. He did not order execution or imprisonment; I was merely deposed. I gave back the palace, though I was allowed to keep a few objects. I did not need many items, and for the rest of my life, I had been attaining a modest job in a nearby big temple, handling and managing the donations and offerings.
This woman, my darling was the same who was previously my wife, a queen. She kept refusing me and threw me away, and next time I was not available for her, she had to prove she cares. Well, she did. After all, this was already a significant development compared to our previous encounters in Fata Morgana, Dancer School and Next Door or King Babylon.
If we see the stories as individual ones, each seems tragic. But as we see them as something continuous, the events and the accidents start to make sense. There is a certain rhythm as though in a song of life which is sung ceaselessly through the times, through years and centuries.
Let’s step forward again and see what comes. After the Assyrian Marshal episode, I was an orphan, I had to experience warfare and death at a very young age. I was murdered painfully. This was I believe the following of the numerous killings I have committed earlier – I was to perceive this terror from the side of the victims too. Later I was a slave and some servant. Such lives teach us humbleness towards fate and others, in case we are ready to learn these merits.
We arrive to the Persian King episode. I couldn’t accurately date this one, and it ended up here. However, this ordering might not be correct. This was a lifetime packed with victorious moments, although each of these moments cost a lot of sweat and blood. In the end, I did not feel it was worth, though. My adopted son who I thought was a better nominee for following me on the throne and my real son got into a nasty conflict. I had no means to make peace between them as I was too aged and ill. Their enmity caused misery in the country and a great disappointment for me.
My adopted son in Persian King was another person appearing again and again; he was my uncle in Wingless Angels for example. Their conflict might have started to unfold there, and it went on for centuries, mutually injuring the other. They don’t like each other even today. I'll mention him again as we progress in time.
Then, if we read on and leave behind the Persian King we find the Seaman where I’ve been spending half my life on the water. Later I was just building ships and owned a small shop. Living by the sea is prevalent in the following Rex episode too, in my childhood. In Rex I became a type of governor or consul. My job was to organise the defence of the land, mostly, and managing other less important things. I took my duties very seriously, and I hope I did well. My wife died in an epidemic, but my daughter survived it, and she became the apple of my eye. I did my best to pamper her, and from afterwards I believe she was the same girl who was earlier my wife, the queen in King Babylon or the lover in Assyrian Marshal. She was about seventeen when I was murdered in a plot, but she managed to escape, one of my trustees carried her away. I was sad I could no more protect her, she was very dear to me.
In the ensuing episodes, she was my lover again a few times, though these cases did not lack trouble, for example in Heavyweight. She had a tendency of promiscuity which remained a problem, just like in the King Babylon. In Heavyweight she was chased out into the desert for whoring, and she died there.
In the Lost Fight episode we were losing a battle slowly but gradually, facing the inevitable death. Certainly earlier I caused some of our opponents feel the same way, our victory meant defeat for the others. Now it was for me to taste the bitter end, along with my young brother who was never made to be a good soldier. We both died in the warfare that lasted for months on the dry and dusty field close to a huge city. It was a standing war, protracted for weeks. The clashing spots moved from trench to trench, from hill to hill, closer to the city we tried to defend – and which certainly fell eventually.
In Sleek I was a son of an influential man, living in the court of my uncle. Nonetheless, I let my uncle in the lurch and escaped when a putsch broke out. I could have warned him, but I was advised not to. I was hesitating for a moment, though. He was murdered while I hurried away. Some people were hiding me for a week or two, and soon they helped me to leave the country. I went into exile. I was spending years in a foreign country, enjoying my time and studying philosophy and other things.
I was welcomed back home years later, and I helped my uncle’s young son to seize power. I became a sort of governor behind the boy. I did not mind staying in the background as the second; I quite liked this position. Anyhow, I had quite a lot of influence, and I could be more effective in reorganising the provinces and some towns. I am not particularly proud of my betrayal, and indeed this lack of aid was added to my karmic account as something I had to experience from the other side somewhere later. Or, I had already experienced it in Rex or in Slave, in Git Prince or in Eunuch and in the episode of Poisoned, where I was a nominee but got killed.
Later, I was born into the Roman Empire a few times. Firstly, I was a reporter, having a genuinely exciting job. I was dispatched to collect information; I was writing reports on events, or people or motifs. It was like being a journalist. As I grew older, I had a family, and with my wife and children we settled down in a town. One of my sons was previously my adopted son at Persian King.
In Livius I was a young lad, obsessed with chariots and I died in an accident. I was the cause of a young woman’s and her daughter’s death, for I failed to save them when they were offered to us as slaves. She and her daughter were put to death in an arena a day or two later. The feeling of guilt marred me about their fate, though I did not know that without me selecting them they would die. I believe this woman was part of my life later several times.
In Sybilla I was a kind of book-keeper, and with time I held an office. I lived a wealthy and rather decadent life, though later I steadied down and became a family man. My lover became my wife after she was allowed to divorce, and although she had innumerable affairs earlier, I don’t think she cheated on me. I loved her very much, and I believe she loved me too, with all my stupid faults. She was the same who was my queen in King Babylon. Our relationship changed again, and the bond that existed from earlier became even stronger. My son was the same boy who was my rowdy son in Persian King. I had no chance to raise him because I died in a riot. Or more accurately, I killed myself before the rebels could have finished me off.
Then in Martyr, I had a dirty job of managing executions in a prison, it was quite an ugly place to work. Maybe I earned this because I committed suicide earlier. Suicide is condemned by most religions and traditions. It is believed to attract ominous, unlucky incarnations or a sure place in hell. Well, I can’t confirm these views, though I had a few miserable incarnations following the bad ending. In Limes I had a neat, peaceful life, but later I had a couple of unfortunate ones with very short lifetimes: Doomed but Pampered, Sticky Fingered Boy, or brutal ones like Marauder, Tough, Cut in the Quick, or Soldier for a Change. However, I seem to have been given some pauses from the horrors when I was allowed to have serene lives like in Pretty, or Hermit.
In Say No I was an army leader again, I believe I was a Muslim. I took my duties very seriously here too; I wished to protect the interest of my lord who was my good-doer. I had a wife I barely met as I was seldom ever at home. Even so, we had a child or more children. I can recall about her that she was a thoughtful and reliable woman, a partner one could count on in any conditions. I believe she wasn’t the same who was my queen in King Babylon. I can’t easily identify her, though she might have been around me in some of the other incarnations as well as a mother or sister. The neighbour princess in King for Long might have been her.
After the hermit life, I was living in Cordoba as a public officer. In Accident I was a young aristocrat boy. I fell from my horse so badly that my spine broke or was harmed nastily. My father might have been the same person who was my adopted son in Persian King and my dear uncle at Wingless Angels. He was a mulish man, prescribing what I was to do or how I ought to live. We were arguing hours before that accident, and probably he was feeling quite guilty about it. He felt sorry for me. I could not be cured, and I passed away a month or two later.
Next time I was a merchant, an Arabian man, having a life full of labour. I was travelling much, mostly on sea, selling certain fabrics in various cities around the Mediterranean. With time I collected a generous amount of money. I had been married twice; my first wife was a meek woman. I wasn’t a too good husband, I let her alone for long months and cheated on her a few times. Later we divorced, although we had a common son. My son might be the same boy who was my adopted son in Persian King, my father in Accident and my uncle in Wingless Angels.
Later I married a woman with light skin and reddish hair. She was a hostage from a far northern place. I feel she was the same soul who was Karlina in Wingless Angels. We too, had a common son, my second son. I guess he was identical with my rowdy son from Persian King, and my father in Wingless Angels. The boy was often sick, and we were anxious he would not grow up. He was quite spoilt as he grew up and often picked a quarrel with my first son, making fun of him. I wasn’t consequential enough with him; I kept giving him money, unlike my wife who was stern and merciless.
I had a fabric depot in Constantinople where I met an attractive but willing young woman. With time I became her lover. She was from some aristocrat family. I helped her liquidating her cousin, a poor girl. One of my workers started grumbling about this deal, but I said nothing. My lover told me that the boy threatened her, saying he would denounce her for this crime. She insisted we had to kill the lad. I was revolted, but she kept egging me, unstoppably. So I assisted her. The whole thing was utterly disgusting. I was quite scared of her temper, and I ran home. My wife wasn’t happy about my affair, but I did my best to earn her forgiveness.
I died after an accident with some pirates I think, a huge mast fell on my leg in the skirmish. A nasty wound was the result, and I was taken to a temporary camp. As the days passed, my leg had to be amputated. My second son was with me; he seemed clueless. I was sorry about him, feeling guilty about not preparing him to the hardships of life.
After this lifetime I was living as an Arabic boy in a relatively big city. I was very young when a knight-looking man had slain me. I believe he was a crusader. This might have been the point from where my antipathy towards knights originated. Because I did not like them at all, I had very small confidence in them.
The Sad guardian episde followed, where I had to work as a bodyguard in a rich house. The lady was quite a flirty woman and seduced me on the end. I loved her, but I discovered soon that her feelings weren't so deep. When her husband found out about the affair he almost killed me. I had to leave the house and moved to a different land. With time I married a modest girl and had some kids. We were working hard in our small shop.
After this came the Wingless Angels episode, the most extended one among the incarnation stories, though I lived no more than twenty years. Here many of the previously known characters encountered like in a junction. Anyhow, each incarnation is like a junction, a smaller or a giant one where souls meet and interact in multiple ways. Let’s see these souls one by one.
My father was the same soul who was my rowdy son in Persian King. Our relationship started to change positively in this episode, particularly after he was blinded. In my childhood, he didn’t pay much attention to me. Many years had to go by, and while I kept visiting him in the house-arrest place and told him the news diligently something has started. It took years, but his gloom seemed to peter out, and in the end, we were quite like an ordinary son-father. As a child, I very much longed to hang out with him or chat with him. He was the great king who was living somewhere in the clouds, far from my little world.
Compared to the earlier times we knew each other from a new side. This time I admired him; while I took him as an idiot son of mine in Persian King. I was quite ashamed of him, and I was angry with his things. He too, he saw me from a very new angle. He noticed my kinder, caring side. Earlier, in Persian King he might have felt it was impossible to please me, it was impossible for him to be good enough, I was an unavailable, stern and hard person in his eyes.
After I had returned home from foreign lands, I saw him very differently. He seemed shaky and had some sickness. As a partner king, he was not at all satisfied with the way I was arranging things and criticised me behind my back. It was annoying for me to hear this and I still longed to have a real father - in a few moments he could grow up to be one, but most of the times he didn’t. All with this, anything he was like I loved him very much. For me, he remained to be the great king who is to be admired – and the only family member I trusted.
There were numerous other key persons I came across during this lifetime. One was the little bath girl, Luscinia. She was my wife in King Babylon. I started flirting with her as a king, playing with her. But very soon I fell in love, and we had a secret affair. Then there was my illustrious uncle, who seems identical with my adopted son in Persian King. There was Karlina who was my wife in Cordoba, in Arabic Merchant and the executed woman in Livius. I met her also in Heavyweight where she was my bright girlfriend who I planned to marry. In Cut in the Quick she was my first wife/concubine Slivka (i.n.).
The man named Lorens was my best friend, and later we became lovers. Earlier he was my brother or comrade countless times. In Wingless Angels our friendship turned to be an affair with time that he held was his destiny. When he fell in love with me, he thought this is a fatal accident for him, as an incurable sickness, so he said. He had conflicting feelings about it, and I believe this was truly a kind of 'destiny' he 'chose to undertake' for various reasons. The heaviest reason was his betrayal in Cut in the Quick. He was to prove his honesty, his loyalty, and love in the hardest possible way. Well, I did not make it easy for him. I was teasing him; I was bullying him or just ignored him countless times. Our affair in Wingless Angels was a real test for him, but he passed it successfully.
The person who was my first love in the Wingless Angels was Karlina. She generally had Celtic looks, blond or reddish-brown hair, and light skin. She was a brilliant woman with a good sense of practical things and with a nice portion of confidence. Looking at the earliest time of meeting her it is obvious I owed her. She was a captive, and while I was selecting slaves with my friends, she begged me to take her and her child. I refused to take her because I did not want to spend more money. Then, a day or two later I was to witness how she and her child were thrown into the arena. I was responsible for her death, and certainly, this guilty feeling triggered the new and newer encounters.
Most of the times I met her as an equal and even when she wasn't she held herself like that. I appreciated her directness and her lack of fear. I learned she was a trustworthy person and a very good-hearted woman. She was a friend and a lover. I don't remember having horrible rows with her; mostly we could manage things peacefully. She could be quite willing and hard-headed about my bad habits like neglecting family life. Our intimate relationship ended at Wingless Angels when I parted her in the end, very peacefully and spiritually. I feel no grudge or guilt about her, and I hope wherever she is now she's doing well.
In this Wingless Angels episode, I had a particularly gruesome end. I was murdered in prison with a saw-like instrument and some spikes. I learned its details from the person who committed it, as I couldn’t excavate from my own memories. No wonder, I was half unconscious as it happened.
Then about twenty or thirty years later I came back again into the physical plane. I was to be a member of a garrison somewhere in Asia Minor, defending the fortress, the fields and some villages from Turks. This is the episode of Valiant. Here I came again face to face with the girl who in Wingless Angels was the little bath girl, Luscinia. Before she was my queen at King Babylon and my lover at Assyrian Marshal. Here she instigated the affair and played with me, just as I was playing with her earlier in Wingless Angels. Here she was a lady, and I was a poor minion. Change of point of view again. Nevertheless, with time our relationship deepened. We had a romance, and our story ended very sorrowfully.
She was one of the most significant people who were part of my life numerous times. In the earliest incarnations, she appears in Little Mistress where she was a young mistress while I was a kind of servant of her. When she died her servants and guards were to follow her and so I was murdered too. In Jericho she was my wife, and although she certainly cheated on me we were getting along finely, she was a great help in the business.
Much later, from a lover eventually she became my wife again in Sybilla, after she attempted suicide. I did not believe she had deep feelings for me until that point. I was shocked to see that she did. Something of the same happened between us centuries later in Cut in the Quick, except that there, she was a vulnerable and weak girl, a woman of my opponent, living off his mercy. There it was her to start the affair. That lifetime ended tragically and with agony – literarily. It was one of our worst and most challenging episodes. Seeing from the point of the context, this was another step in the development of the relationship. Our emotions and attraction became mutual; the bonds steadily seemed to deepen and becoming firm.
Stormy sexuality and strong emotions dominated our relationship from lifetime to lifetime. The aftermaths of deeds always caught us. One time I was her slave and next time she was at my mercy. One time she rejected me unfeelingly, and next time she was able to wander hundreds of miles to be my wife...
She was an upright girl, rather willing and proud and when she had low rank, she was quite humble. I generally regarded her, as a queen for her qualities, even when she wasn’t. She had the tendency to have illicit relationships outside the marriage, and it caused many problems for both of us. It was a source of conflicts and bitter disappointment. You can clearly follow the karma line, the dynamics of a relationship – give and get – abuse and be abused – cheat and be cheated – let down the one who loves you, and you’ll find yourself let down by the one you love, all this with a very high-level energy.
Let’s progress again in time. In Flemish I was a boy and died young again, this time in an epidemic. In about the fourteenth century I had been incarnated to a place southern from the eastern corner of the Carpathian mountains. I was a manager of a lord, making deals and organising this and that. I was a loner all my life, though a young girl was living in my house. I did not hold her in great esteem; I was mostly grumpy around her. However, as the decades went by I was quite used to her company and our relationship improved. Now, this soul is in my life; we have a very close friendship.
The change of gender happened around in the 1500’s. Why it happened, I can only guess. Life as a woman differs from a life as a man, though most things remain similar. The Woodland episode was quite refreshing with the easiness. I loved to live serenely; I enjoyed having a big family, and I liked to wander the forest for precious herbs.
I had lifetimes with a lot of abuse in Italia and things weren’t an inch better in Milenka where I was to make a living from prostitution. In Italia, episode I was a mistress, locked up in the villa of a lord. I was married off by him, and my husband was the man who was Lorens in Wingless Angels. My lord murdered him brutally when he found out we planned to escape from him. In Milenka I was to live on my own. I had to give my first child for adoption, and the por baby, a girl, died a few months later. After a few years. when I managed to settle down with one man I had a son, and I feel that the boy was identical with my father at Wingless Angels. We died on the same day when our house burned down. My drunken lover – his father – locked the house and set it on fire in a fit of rage. We had been buried in the same grave.
How I earned lives full of exploitation like in Italia? Or humiliation like in Milenka? Certainly, it was a karmic issue. I had a long personal history of violence. I don’t remember too many criminal cases or violence against women, but certainly I have caused a lot of distress to others, directly or indirectly. I was repaying equitably and not only physically but also emotionally. As far as I can recall this, I went on well with women as a man. I don’t remember abusing or harming them. I never thought about women that they value less, though this notion was widespread. Well, I was often ignorant or, and this wasn’t rare, I had various other affairs simultaneously...
In Why Not Wiser my husband sent me to our usurer one time and that man started an illicit affair with me. Unlike him, soon I fell in love and had two children from him. He did not know they were his, nor knew my husband. After the death of my husband I moved to a far city with my children, but one day we met again. We became real lovers. I name him Firian in the story, and his person is identical with Ka in King Babylon (the Greek refugee) and with Lorens from Wingless Angels.
The beginning of our love affairs can be dated back to Wingless Angels where we both were men. He believed he was hit by destiny to be in love with me, especially that previously he was known having countless affairs with women. In earlier incarnations, he was often my brother or comrade. I don’t remember having him as a son or father.
He was around me several times: in Delegate he was a friend of mine, and we died together in a storm when the ship sank. In King Babylon he was a Greek man, Ka, escaping from his homeland. He enjoyed favours in our court, but later he betrayed me, he was found in the ranks of the enemy in a battle and was captured. As punishment I gave him the task to merge into the garrison of a major city we've planned to besiege and leak information for us. He did, but the militia members got suspicious and murdered him, cut him to pieces, literarily.
In Rex he was the youngster we caught for illegally passing the border and was severely punished. Later he was given a post at my daughter’s guardian section by me. In Lost fight he was my brother who died on a battlefield, killed by an arrow. In Limes he was my boss at our outpost around Pannonian lands. In Marauder he was my pal, and together we broke into a fortification. Well, he dropped the flag while climbing the high wall making me utterly annoyed. In Cut in the Quick he was Juglans (i.n.) a youngster I patronised. In the end, he failed to stand up for me, and I ended up tortured. In Wingless Angels he was Lorens, my confidant. Our relationship continued after I was born in female body and we always had a romance.
He was not a good soldier, he never liked to fight and had no inclination to learn it. He had been particularly afraid of death, always. Commercial, communicative or artistic activities fitted him most. He was excellent in gaining information, and he was thoroughly well-informed most of the time. Generally he looked up at me when I was a male, even if I was the younger. He was emotionally somewhat childish even as a grown up.
We had a strong bond since Wingless Angels and whenever our roads crossed we always ended up as lovers. However, in Why not Wiser he couldn’t marry me, while in the following episode Lydia he asked my hand enthusiastically and I refused him. In Lydia he was Julien (i.n.), one of my lovers. He was all over for me, though I was just playing with him that I later regretted. I was already very sick when he returned into my life, and we've spent a few happy weeks together before I died. At least there remained no resentment between us. It was a very positive ending – the feeling of love is the best possible positive closing of a relationship.
After Lydia we arrive to the Like the Birds and the Bees where the romance with my cousin sealed our fate. My cousin was identical with the soul who was my father in Wingless Angels. It was a very clear, innocent thing, a real child love, twinkling and sunny. It had a sorrowful ending again because our parents discovered it, and we were punished badly. I was transported to live at a distant relation, and I died a little later.
In the Lost in Storm part I was the daughter of a wealthy family, and I had again a very short life. I was only a teenager when one day I wandered outside to see my horse, and in the stormy weather I got a nasty pneumonia, and soon I died. This short episode was followed by the incarnation I gave the name Pickpocket.
In Pickpocket I was born to a very poor family, and after my mother passed away with my father and brothers we moved to a big city (somewhere in England I believe). There he planned to make a living from thieving, and he kept encouraging us to follow his sample. Soon he ended up arrested, and I was cast into an orphanage.
I managed to sneak away and found my home at a boy who I knew fancied me. He was Edward, identical with my cousin in Like the Birds and the Bees and my father in Wingless Angels. We were both very young and poor. He became my boyfriend, and as I had nowhere to go, I stayed at his rented place. I expected him to marry me, but he could not afford it, he said. For some reason he backed whenever this came up. Later he might have decided about this positively. It was not easy to make ends meet, but he could save money and with time things improved. We had a daughter, though I died shortly after her birth, I was no more than eighteen.
Then a few decades later we met in Germany as children. That was already in the Lisabeta episode. As a small kid, he asked my hand. Apparently, a fleeting emotion might have remained in him about us having a relationship earlier. An imprint, a feeling, something. Here his name was Nicholaus.
I must add here that I was married off to my father's booker when I was only sixteen. My father was against the wedding, but my mother kept forcing it. No wonder, It became a terrible marriage, as I haven't spoken more than two words with the boy earlier. I hated being his wife, I hated that I had to endure him...
Years later, when I was already married and had a small son we stumbled into each other with Nicholaus by the side of a lake. The friendship was revived, and a correspondence sprang up between us and about a year later we ran across each other again. Soon it was evident that there was something more between us. I have cheated on my husband a couple of times to humiliate him, but I never cared about any of those men. Nic was different; I did not want to besmirch his person with conjugal hatred. But there was no escaping and all in all we ended up as lovers.
The fact that I was married caused complications, though with time I moved to him. We were living like a couple, and after a memorable journey through Europe, I fell pregnant. My husband kept me home during the pregnancy but after my second son was born I moved to Nic. I sued for divorce, but my husband stood in the way. The lengthy, years-long separation procedure was nerve-trying. Later I learned that my husband met Nic one time and told him that he wouldn't give his consent because he knows that in the depth of my heart I loved him. He succeeded to pour poison into our relationship.
It was not only my husband who talked against our relationship, but also Nic's parents and relations. As the months passed without any hope for my divorce we’ve been arguing much. The rows were horrible. In the end, Nic walked away. Some weeks later I attempted a suicide taking an overdose of sleeping pills. My father found me and my life was saved. But I was unwilling to speak, so I was put into a sanatorium. My father took care of me, and although Nic ran to see me, it was too late. For years I couldn’t speak, I needed medical attention.
Later my husband took me back to our common home. I learned only after his death that Nicholaus sent me dozens of letters. I missed him much, but even though he attempted to restart communication I was unable to answer him, not even through the phone. He begged me to allow him visiting us. I said no. Probably I should have let him come and apologise because he loved me and he was sorry. This was a heart-rending finish. Now that I can remember so many details about us I wrote him a posthumous answer and placed it into the Recovering Memories book...
As to Nicholaus, the first ever occasion I can recall meeting this soul was in Slave Secretary. He was a young boy who I tutored, helping him to learn reading and writing. In Persian King he was my son, and as a child, he made a sport of torturing slaves and animals. In Sybilla he was my son again, though I had no means to bring him up as my life ended when he was about ten or twelve. In Martyrs he was my rebel teenage son. In Marauder he was the priest I killed at a reckless raid in a mosque. In Cordoba he was my son again, I guess. In the Arabic Merchant he was my second son. I died in a tent after that some pirates attacked our ship. As my son, he accompanied me on that particular journey, and as I was lying there in agony, I saw he was clueless how to go on. I was feeling guilty not preparing him to make an independent life. After the Wingless Angels episode, it took a long time when we incarnated in lives where we met again, and when we did, I was already a woman.
As a child, he tended to be weedy and was often sick. As an adult, he could be stronger, especially if he was given a military education and regular exercise. I was his father at least four times, and I was his mother two times (at Milenka and Why not wiser), so we have a very intimate relationship. I was his son only one time in Wingless Angels.
He had his own wits of managing things, and he was brilliant, quick on the uptake. His weakest points were jealousy and suspicion. He had the tendency to be paranoid and easily believed bad things about his loved ones. Or about himself. Even in Lisabeta, I didn’t know how much he really knew me. He loved me much – in his way – I know that without question. But did he ever know me? Did he ever care to find out more about me? He broke my heart there. Could he win back my confidence? I can’t tell, but I hope for a yes. Our relationship ended negatively unlike with Julien in Lydia (aka Lorens in Wingless Angels) where we parted with a loving upbeat.
With Nicholaus, this was very different, and he might have resented me for not answering him, he was bearing a great amount of bitterness about the whole relationship. He did not know I still loved him... In my actual life, I am working much to mend this relationship; I do my best to forgive him. I try to leave the chance open in case he wakes up and wishes to work on these things.
In Lisabeta my husband was the same who was my uncle in Wingless Angels. Our relationship did not work as a couple; I never nursed any tender feelings about him. He loved me, but I caused him a lot of worry and sadness, and I did it with joy, thinking that he deserves it. I only realised at the end that I was wrong. He died grasping my hand, and circa 35 years later in Chicago we were twins, grown together by the wrist, at the very same spot. I certainly felt I owed him. I did not remain there to be his sister, however. It might not have been necessary, that lifetime would not have been too fortunate to me. I could make a greater impact by leaving early, and I died there as a baby almost during birth.
He was part of my life several times too. In Persian King he was my foster son, Bras. In Sleek he was my uncle, and I left him in the trouble, although I knew about the plot that was planned against him. Later in Reporter he was my second son, he became a soldier or a soldiers’ trainer. In Soldier for a Change, he was my brother or cousin. In Accident episode he was my father. In Arabic Merchant he was my first son.
In Wingless Angels he was my uncle. There he believed that the germination of his worst features would help him to gain influence. Well, seeing he made my father (his own young brother) blinded and imprisoned, they truly did... It’s another question what kind of legacy he created for himself in karmic means.
When I incarnated as a woman, we had an affair. As a lover or a husband, he had the tendency to be rude, physically. At worst times he kept drinking, and while drunk he was unpredictable. Alcoholism seemed his way of handling stress. In Milenka I was living as a kept woman, and he (Maroven) insisted on marrying me, and we lived together. We even had a son. But he made fancies that I was cheating on him, and one day he lit up the house. I died in there with my four-year-old son, suffocating in the smoke. Some months later he hanged himself...
In Lydia we had a short affair, but I wasn’t too kind to him. In Lost in Storm, he was my planned fiancé. At the time of Pickpocket episode, he was my oldest brother, Roy, a tall hoodlum who became a hopeless drunkard. He still couldn’t control his temper and refused to live a decent life. He was always broke.
His characteristics at best were joviality and reliability, at least in the most cases. He had the tendency to fall in a temper very quickly, though he calmed down fast. At the first impression he was mostly meek, but he was not to be underestimated. If somebody kept humiliating or taunting him he showed his rude, destructive side. He wasn’t such a soft soul as he seemed to be. He was of average intelligence and somewhat emotional, easily swayed to commit implicit things. He had his own wits about financial matters, though he was easy to be manipulated by people he trusted.
In Lisabeta he was my husband and although I was never in love with him he held me in high esteem – maybe because of my father who helped him earlier. As it can be seen, our relationship had seen very good and very bad moments as well. As he was my son in Arabic merchant I liked him, and when I saw that he can stand on his own feet I was proud of him. Later as he was my father in Accident I was angry with him many times, because we disagreed on several matters and I felt like he wants to limit my life, I felt rebellious. In Wingless Angels at the start I liked him, I regarded him as a father figure. But he overthrew my father for the throne and blinded him brutally. Although he tried to mend our relationship and he tried to be friendly with me, I could never trust him again. I couldn't forgive him; I couldn't understand him.
In Lisabeta, for the very first time, we succeeded to put the relationship to a positive end but only in the very last hours. Maybe this was why we were choosing to be twins in Chicago, yet I died shortly after I was born. I wrote him a letter too at the end of the 90’s, after the episode Almost was revealed and we found him.
I include the PS of it: “Since those funny serial dreams I have a little digital clock on my bookshelf, it shows what the time in Chicago is. It seems this “brother thing” will be present in my life for a few years yet. So if you think it’s not a foolishness and it’s worth to try, I’d be happy to have a brother like you. And anything will be the answer, maybe the answer will be that it won’t be any answer, somehow you’ll always be a kind of brother to me, even if I’ll succeed to find someone who I will like much better than you.” I wished to close this thing down with a positive note. I am glad I could do it, I am glad I was given a chance to do it by any means. Still, distance can heal... The glow of love remains among those who had once loved each other, it will stay with them anywhere they go next, anything they do, anyone they become. This is the most important thing, so I feel.
My FAMILY contains much more people than the ones I’ve mentioned, and I can’t identify all of them. Anyway, this may not be too important. Looking at the stories, they show a journey between states, between incarnations, through time and space. The significance of memories and the interpreting of the greater and wider context changed my life; it changed the way I look at the world. Reasons and answers came up through them as though from newly opened secret jewel boxes.
Can the line of reincarnations be ended? In a certain plane, yes, but altogether probably not. Leaving a particular plane can only happen by permanently elevating consciousness level. There might be a certain lifecycle on higher planes too. But, whatever it is like, it must be very close to endlessness.
All life is sacred, and there is unity in the world. In our reality only transient forms exist, without true difference. We may take up various roles, dress into different colours but the inner core remains the same. I believe that reincarnation is hope and relief for the world. Everything we see as a form or every language, every nation is basically the same. The nurtured idea of being different only generates suffering. After realising the similarity, in essence, any hostility becomes pointless. To create peace in the world, it is imperative to remember this.
© all rights reserved by Annamaria M. Fueredi, 2018