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I am exhausted. As the mother of two teenage boys, the past 18+ months have been relentless. I know that I am one of the lucky ones - my friends and family have generally kept safe and well from the virus. I am worried though, as a mother and as a psychologist, about how exhausted we all are, and how we now find the time we need to process and recover from this strange time.

Occasionally, I have shared how I am feeling on social media with friends, and every time, I am inundated with comments from other parents telling me they feel the same. Emerging evidence about the toll the virus has taken on parents also matches my experience closely. Researchers with the University of Oxford’s Co-Space study found that parents and carers’ stress and depression were elevated during each lockdown, with levels in the last lockdown the highest of all. Unsurprisingly, more parents with young children and children with SEN/ND felt they could not meet the needs of both their child and work compared to those with only older children and children without SEN/ND. An important point to note is that mothers make up 90% of those taking part in the Co-Space study. We are flagging. But why?

Since March 2020, my husband and I have been working at home, both with demanding jobs and a lot of responsibility. Being a feminist, and a pretty strong character, I was quite surprised by how the division of responsibilities inadvertently became uneven. I often found myself taking breaks from my work to support and feed the family, having to catch up in “my own time”. My husband wasn’t really doing the same, at least to the same extent. It therefore didn’t surprise me to see in the news how equality has taken a step back during the pandemic, with mothers bearing the brunt of caring and schooling responsibilities for their children. This doesn’t seem to be UK specific; Italian researchers have found the same imbalance between fathers and mothers in lockdown, observing that it was predominantly mothers who rescheduled their lives and work around the children and their schooling, fitting in their work outside of normal working hours and managing the family’s virtual social lives as well. No wonder we are so tired!

As with many mothers, I have been juggling my way through since March 2020, all the while experiencing ongoing low-level trauma. Constantly living with fear of the coronavirus, making high stakes decisions on a regular basis and dealing with grief (which for me wasn’t actually COVID related) have all contributed to this everyday trauma, and has led to me (and many other mothers) to have problems sleeping, problems with self-esteem and being on high alert all the time. My concern now is that if there is no capacity in the system for us to take time to recover, we are at risk of burnout.

There have been brief periods of respite. Things started feeling a bit more normal. The world started opening up and some of us began to see the potential to recharge in the near future. But then the bitter twist of the text or email coming in from school. “Your child has been in contact… They must self-isolate for the next…”. Or the ping of “Track and Trace”. Our buckets are nearly empty, and the hope of some normality has come crashing down, again and again. Parents just can’t keep doing this. That state of high alert has been constant. We have also been dealing with children who are at the ends of their tether. They have been through so much and unfortunately, we get the brunt of the fallout.

Another period of respite. The summer holidays. Lots of parents being double jabbed. And breathe. However we swiftly realised that the virus was not stopping. Every summer outing or holiday required a lot of thought, and planning, and worry. I personally spent a week after each event I attended crossing fingers and lateral flowing. And now the children are back at school. Government regulations changed again, and they did not have to stay at home if they had been in contact with someone who had tested positive. In a way this is great, as we need our children in school, with their friends. But at the same time this is absolutely terrifying. Life was going back to normal? Not so much... here comes Omicron!

I feel absolutely torn. Part of me was so excited that the world was opening up. I adore going to friends’ houses, going to concerts, the pub, a restaurant. But I am scared. This new variant seems to have the potential to take us back to square one. The booster campaign is great, but it is going to take time to get everyone jabbed. How long until 12-15 year olds are offered their second jab? Are younger children going to be offered? The uncertainty is vast. Do we embrace freedom while we can, before potentially being locked down again, or do we live cautiously and try to avoid others wherever we can? I do not have the answer. I suspect no one does.

It is also worth considering that when restrictions eased, the difficulties children experienced decreased for a period and then remained stable, however children with SEN/ND and from low-income households haven’t shown this recovery. It can be hard, if not impossible for those who have children with SEN/ND, single parents, and those without friends and family nearby to get respite and have a break. And these are the people who have been struggling the most. These amazing people need to be able to rest, and I suspect rest may continue to elude them as the world goes bonkers again. If you feel you are managing comfortably, try to reach out to your friends and family who are not faring so well.

There is so little we have control over at the moment, and for me, this is really difficult. I suppose we can try to take control of what we can, and “fill our buckets” as best we can to improve our own physical and mental health. We can try to take a bit of a break, go for walks with friends, see other humans. Despite my incredibly high levels of social anxiety at the moment (I seem to have lost the ability to “people” comfortably), I feel revived after seeing other people that I don’t live with. I do leave gaps in between social interactions as this seems to help me feel slightly more in control in this weird time! We can encourage our families to join in with the household chores (as despite popular opinion, we are not superhuman). I have been crocheting (perhaps one too many blankets) as it stops me from doom-scrolling through my little (phone) screen after staring at the bigger (computer) screen all day. This all seems so trite though. Of course we know this. I am not telling you anything new. Crocheting a jumper is not going to take away the damage this past year and a bit has done. It is not going to make us all jump up, ready to take on the world. In reality, we need a break. Not a little one. A BIG one. And we need this stupid virus to do one. Not likely, but we can dream. In the meantime, do the little things that make you smile. Maybe one little smile after another might see us through…

My concern about mother’s exhaustion and the psychological impact of all this uncertainty is real. If you are struggling, please reach out for support, whether it be from family and friends, or your GP. You really are not alone. I wish you luck on your journey to recovery.

Below are some NHS resources you might find helpful.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/stress/

https://www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/coronavirus-covid-19-staying-at-home-tips/