Chapters 0-30

chapter 30: Judy Murray Assignation

Richard is back in his trunks again, carrying an injury and risking life and lower limb amongst the prickles.

Today's jaunt is dedicated to the kickstarter folk, as he collects some of the 156 ftones that he needs to send out to generous donors. He's "robbing Peter to pay Paul", though in this case presumable Peter is the owner of the field (is it corn? is it wheat? is it marshmallows? we may never know) and Paul is a middle-aged some bloke who works in I.T.

Richard is almost caught in a pincer movement between a young girl and someone who looks like Andy Murray's mum. It may well be her, come to think of it. Judy Murray has been famously outspoken about stone-clearing in the past, and once delivered the keynote speech at the National Anti-Stoneclearing Conference.

"I found some fucker trying to half-inch this bastard from my field"

As a result, he is diverted from the stone pole and is unable to complete the usual ritual. I guess the enemy won today. Well played.

Date: July 2019Weather: Not described, but presumably niceGround Quality: Covered in prickles (which is not a swear word)Encounters with locals: 40 / 0 stones hit the post

chapter 29: Don't be distracted by Botany

It's July, so Richard decided to go full Hasslehoff and stone-clear in his swimming shorts. Unfortunately, the stocean has become a whocean, as it is replete with wheat, thus preventing any excursions into its cereal depths.

Richard has lost his trowel again, so is slumming it with a decorator's pallet knife. You don't have to be an expert to know that this is laughably inadequate for the job.

But despite the setbacks, and with Carolyn Quentin's dismissive comments echoing in his ears, he battles on and does some good path-based clearing.

At one point Richard sees a horse! You don't get those in North London.


Date: July 2019Weather: Beautiful blue skyGround Quality: Completely overgrownEncounters with locals: 01 / 3 stones hit the post

Fummertime Fpecial

If a man goes too long without clearing stones, he starts to lose his mind. Richard is on holiday but cheats on his own field with a different one. It doesn't go very well, as the hillside doesn't have many stones to offer. Richard postulates time-travelling giants who made the giant cairns that mark the Devonian landscape. Deranged.

A near-miss accident leads Richard to wonder what would happen in the event of his death while stone-clearing. His family might wonder what he was doing, and he suggests that they might google it.

So, Richard's family, if you have found this page, this is for you:


Date: June 2019Weather: Beautiful blue skyGround Quality: DryEncounters with locals: 0No stones thrown at the post, as Richard was 200 miles away. He's not superman!

Chapter twenty Eight: Bramble (Not Bryan) Protector

Ah, summer. The thwack of leather against willow, the click of stone against cairn, and the rustle of naked pensioners having fun in the undergrowth.

In this episode, Richard puts forward the theory that the foreskin is designed to protect the glans from brambles. To support his claim he says that, if he were to honour the stone clearers of old and perform his task naked, his penis would brush against plants that are barely an inch tall. In stone clearer's parlance, this is known as "bullfhit".

In any case, the crops are up to his leg apex and this makes clearing the field a virtual impossibility, so he concentrates mostly on clearing the path.

The day's clear was mostly spoiled by a tenacious member of the stone stasi, who dogged Richard on his journey (and not in a good way).


Date: June 2019Weather: Dry, but the flora is still wet from recent rains.Ground Quality: Wet but not too muddyEncounters with locals: 2 2 / 4 stones hit the post

Chapter twenty seven: poppy Leaf

In this episode we learn the slogan of the National Ftone Clearing Fociety:



This is a perfectly good slogan (if a little unwieldy) so I wonder why Richard decided not to become a member of the society, preferring to join a rival group: The League of Stone Clearers and Rock Bashers.

I looked for their crest online, but could not find it. I can only assume that's it's pornographic.

Stones are hard to come by due to weeds and (presumably) wheat growing in the field, leaving Richard with plenty of time to discuss such diverse topics as:

  1. the lack of sexual interest he receives
  2. the opportunities for covert sexual activity offered by the ground cover
  3. the sexual practices of passers-by
  4. how little he cares about points 1-3.

He does become very excited when he finds a stone that is very big, but he hesitates to categorise it as Large-Large-Large. After all, who knows what larger stones might lurk beneath the crops? He doesn't want to go off half-cocked.

I say go for it. You can always re-calibrate the scale and add an "extra-large" category later, when (if?) the great white stone appears.




Date: June 2019Weather: Looking like a nice day. Blue sky, fcudding cloudsGround Quality: Slightly damp, but baked hardEncounters with locals: 31/4 stones hit the post

Chapter twenty six: rimmed by labs

As Richard's jogging pants gradually descend, he runs the risk of exposing himself to the residents of his quaint Hertfordshire village. The poor locals don't know how close they came to glimpsing Richard's small-small-mediums.

Richard raises the possibility that his wife may be a secret stone-clearer. If this was the case, she would be duty bound to keep it a secret. History tells us of the Bletchley Park codebreakers who couldn't even tell their wives and husbands where they worked. Likewise, the stone clearer who revealed his or her mission would surely be struck down by the Stone Gods. Or at the very least get stung by a nettle in a really painful place, like the eyelid.


Some day the military secrets will be released, and we will learn about Bletchley's secret stone-clearing mission.

Richard stopped to take photos of some possible vandalism to one of his cairns. I suspect Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, who has probably learned of Richard's plans to stop Brexit, and is doing some counter-sabotage. Except Johnson probably wouldn't vandalise the cairns himself. He'd pay some thug to come and smash them up.




Date: May 2019Weather: Dry, but remnants of rain remainGround Quality: Overgrown.Encounters with locals: 51 / 4 stones hit the post

Chapter twenty Five: Rabbit army

Richard has been releasing podcasts for half a year, and wonders if this is an achievement. It certainly is.

The chapter contains the longest and most elaborate email we have received so far (read it in full here), but also features Richard suffering an injury after having his arm yanked almost out of its socket by Wolfie.

He outlines his plans for a reality TV show called Game of Ftonef, in which contestants would compete to clear a field, to be rewarded with an actual throne made of stones. It isn't entirely clear how the event would be judged. Would it be based on time taken to clear the field? Or would points be awarded for technique? Either way, he's got absolutely no chance of getting it commissioned unless the contestants were celebrities. No one's going to pay good money to see Simon Normal from Basildon clearing stones off a field. But chuck Joe Swash into the mix and you've got a hit on your hands.

Richard mentions this site in the podcast, and takes issue with the "3D stone sizing system." So I've renamed it to avoid confusion. The podcast page (linked below) says that my site is "strewn with errors", to which I take enormous offence. I take great pains to make sure this is the number one stone-clearing web site in the world, and that its contents are as accurate as possible. If you think this site contains errors, you should take a look at the other stone-clearing website run by... Brian... USB Stick. That site's a bloody travesty.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_25/



Date: May 2019Weather: DullGround Quality: DewyEncounters with locals: 51 / 3 stones hit the post

Chapter twenty Four: Bonef of Ftonef

There's an old saying: to a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Which is why I'm frankly baffled that it has taken twenty four chapters of Stone Clearing before Richard compared a stone to the size of a penis. I would have expected that on day one, thirty seconds in.

He didn't ftop there. He went on to throw the entire system of stone sizing into disarray, inventing his revolutionary 3D stone scale and creating an entirely new paradigm. He's like Copernicus with a trowel.

Richard revealed his plan to gradually replace all his bones with stones, until he is largely a stone-based life form. I hope he realises that, if he achieves this aim, he will be unable to leave the field without contravening rule 17.

Speaking of rules, Richard hinted that there are just 15 rules of Stone Clearing (even though, of course, there are no rules). This is referring to the imminent Official PDF of rules which are being sent to Kickstarter backers. I haven't seen this yet, but rest assured: this exists separately from the list on this site, which is based on rules from the podcast. There may be inconsistencies which are irreconcilable. Don't worry about it. One of the benefits of a liberating and easy-going activity like Stone Clearing is that you don't need to stress about anything, except the rules which absolutely must be obeyed at all times.




Date: May 2019Weather: Blue sky.Ground Quality: Dry.Encounters with locals: 22 / 6 stones hit the post

Chapter twenty three: Ye Calm After Ye Ftorm

Sadly, Richard makes a few basic misconceptions in this episode. He starts by recounting the story of his previous stone-clear when he was pelted by a tremendous hailstorm. Were the Stone Gods punishing him for removing stones for the Kickstarter rewards? Well, no Rich.

    1. You weren't removing the stones yet. True, the Gods might have been aware of your plans, and were firing a warning shot. But how likely is it that the Gods were checking your Kickstarter? Do you think they have wi-fi up there? Get real.
    2. Hailstones are not stones. They are water. As any fule no.


Richard's second error was attributing his choking on an apricot stone to the Stone Gods. Again, this is erroneous because...

  1. This was years before you started stone clearing. The Stone Gods might have mastery of all mineral-based life, but are you seriously telling me that they can see into the future?
  2. Again, NOT A STONE. Apricots (and the stones therein) are organic. Hence, there is no need to panic.

Not everything that is called a stone is a stone. Sharon Stone is not a real stone.


Emma Stone is not a real stone. I mean, she's not even a real fake Stone, it's a stage name. The nerve of these people.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_23/


Date: May 2019Weather: BalmyGround Quality: Dry.Encounters with locals: 51 / 7 stones hit the post. Shocking.

Chapter twenty two: We Plough Ye Field and Fcatter Ye Good Feed On Ye Ground

This episode begins with a murder. However, rather than do what anyone else would do, and start an investigation accompanied by his dog, leading to a series of wacky adventures and hi-jinx, Richard instead brushes off the sound of gunfire, declaring that it's just something that posh people do.

It's an otherwise uneventful amble featuring all your favourites: sibling stones, icebergs, Hermione, Rule 2, "How you doing" and many more. If it was a compilation LP, it would be called Now Yat'f What I Call Ftone Clearing.

Richard gathered stones for the "lucky" recipients who backed him on the Kickstarter, happy in the knowledge that these individuals are now doomed.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_22/



Date: April 2019Weather: Cloudy to start, but sunny towards the end thus necessitating the removal of a ski jacket.Ground Quality: Pretty arid, but one slightly damp area. Like your mum.Encounters with locals: 11 / 6 stones hit the post

Chapter twenty one: Jefuf Chrift

Richard again returns to his theme of his role as a stone messiah. That might be a stretch, to be honest. I think he should set his sights a little lower and campaign to become Mayor of Penistone. They love stone clearing there, and have done ever since the first penis-shaped stone (or dong) was found there in 1067.

Much of the evidence of Jesus' life as a stone clearer is self evident to anyone with an ounce of sense. The ancient practices of stoning and crucifixion are reflected in the modern ritual of throwing a stone at a wooden post, and cheering whenever a hit is achieved. That's just basic history.

It's a bit of a fast-paced stone-clear today, with plenty of sexual energy. Richard does stop short of encouraging acts of public indecency, but it's a close-run thing.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_21/



Date: April 2019Weather: Warm spring morningGround Quality: Like concreteEncounters with locals: 22 / 4 stones hit the post

Chapter twenty: The Ditch yat ftopped brexit

A remarkably sexy episode considering it's essentially a man on his own, picking up stones and doing everything he can to avoid even the briefest human contact.

He mentions that he is a time traveller, but sensibly doesn't give us any information about the future other than the ecological disaster that's coming. I suspect that he might have buried a Sports Almanac, and if we could somehow discern the location of the field we could find it and become millionaires. Mind you, being organic, it wouldn't even be worth picking up.

Richard is briefly downhearted that no one is trying to have secret sex with him, but then comes to his senses and realises that the stones are his mistress. Which is just as well. If a time traveller wants to have secret sex, there's only one place he should go.

Richard rounds off the episode by throwing a stone into the ditch, this preventing Brexit until at least October. He apologises to any Leaveophiles that might be listening.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_20/



Date: April 2019Weather: Bright sunshineGround Quality: Dry, warm stonesEncounters with locals: 22 / 4 stones hit the post

Chapter Nineteen: midwitch cuckoof

Richard continues to use his trowel unashamedly, citing the hard ground as reasonable justification for this controversial piece of equipment. He claimed that Malcolm X was in favour of using "any means necessary" to clear a field of stones.

This may be true. I wasn't aware that Mr X was concerned with stone clearing, but to be fair he could have had a lot of hobbies that aren't recorded in the annals of history.

I do know that Martin Luther King was vehemently opposed to the use of tools when stone clearing, whereas Gandhi was probably best known for using a Brigsworth Industrial Stone Clearing Machine.

"I fucking love it" - Gandhi

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_19/



Date: April 2019Weather: Clear eveningGround Quality: Dry and clampingEncounters with locals: 43 / 7 stones hit the post

Chapter eighteen: Acroff the fky are fcudding cloudf

Richard crows about his new archaeological trowel, which is making the process of clearing the field too easy if you ask me.

Through his evocative language, he also conjures the mental image of Darth Vader using his lightsaber to truncate Hermione's hand at the knuckles. I started to photoshop this hypothetical event, but then I managed to catch hold of myself and reconsider my life choices.

Looking at the growing crops on the field, Richard suggests that, if the field was a giant's head, the crop would be a "number 2" in height, referring to the hairdresser's clipper setting. A "number 2" is a quarter of an inch of hair on an average size head. If the field was 100 metres in diameter, this would equate to the crops being ten feet tall. I'm sure the field is much bigger than that. Richard was clearly talking nonsense, or he doesn't know much about hairdressi.... ah.

At the end, Richard briefly considers making a new podcast involving the removing of dog food from inconvenient places. Now, if you'll excuse me I am off to see if boneclearing.com is still available.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_18/



Date: April 2019Weather: Sunny & quite warm. Whispering winds.Ground Quality: Some moisture, but drying outEncounters with locals: 22 / 5 stones hit the post

Chapter Seventeen: What's her name?

For much of this podcast, Richard struggled to remember the name of a character from the Terminator. He urged us not to Google it. Personally, I very much enjoy times when I have forgotten something trivial, like this. We are so accustomed to being able to search for facts whenever a question pops into our heads, that the experience of wracking your brain for a lost fact is one we rarely get to enjoy. Relish it. Keep it precious.

Meanwhile, Richard has still not located his trowel and worries that someone in the local village might have stolen it. A cursory search on eBay located this item:

It might be worth informing the police.

Richard was also worried that The Terminator might be trying to kill him and his dog. He has reason to be worried. It wouldn't be the first "Wolfie" that a terminator has murdered.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_17/



Date: March 2019Weather: Grey, still & chillyGround Quality: UnspecifiedEncounters with locals: 22 / 5 stones hit the post

Chapter Sixteen: The rattle of the Wind

Another podcast plagued by audio troubles, at least to the untrained ear. Personally, I listen to every episode multiple times in my purpose-built listening suite, so I am able to discern more detail than most. For example, at one point in this chapter, Richard reveals the exact GPS coordinates of his central cairn, thus exposing his entire endeavour. Luckily it's almost inaudible due to the intense wind noise, so he is safe from the Stone Stasi and the nighthawks for the time being.

Richard talks about his rival: Brian Bramble and his stone-clearing podcast. I'm not going to link to that podcast, because it's shit.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_16/



Date: March 2019Weather: Very windyGround Quality: UnspecifiedEncounters with locals: 12 /4 stones hit the post
My listening suite, exclusively for stone-clearing podcast purposes.

Chapter fifteen: From Inside a Clearer's Pocket

This chapter starts with Richard singing "I've got my stone clearing gloves on, and everything is going to be all right."

How wrong can you be? He didn't realise his earbuds were not connected, so the rest of the podcast was almost inaudible.

There were a few bits that could just about be discerned. Richard seemed to be proposing a new scale for sizing stones, based on the size of pieces of Play-doh. I think we can reject this without giving it too much consideration. To move to a Play-doh-based system would be ridiculous, rather like when the Eurocrats tried to force their outlandish and unworkable "metric" system on the rest of the world (and we all know how that turned out).

No, I think that with Nigel Farage's new Brexit Party on the scene, and sure to win every election for the foreseeable future, we should be able to march into our local greengrocer's and ask for a "Hermione's handful of plums" without feeling ashamed.

Richard did hit the stone on the first attempt, but then went on to miss three times. Should have quit while he was ahead.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_15/





Date: March 2019Weather: Dark & warm (inside pocket)Ground Quality: Who knows?Encounters with locals: None audible1 /4 stones hit the post

Chapter Fourteen: Stone jesus

The Stone Gods were in vengeful mood this week. Right out of the gate, Richard tempted them by foreseeing his own death. This did not come to pass but he did lose his trowel, which is possibly as bad (even if it was just a "dog shit trowel"). Now he will need to buy a new trowel. Possibly a superior one*

Richard was preoccupied with his legacy as Stone Jesus, which is like normal Jesus but much better, as Jesus never built a wall. There is the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, but this seems to belong to either the Jews or the Muslims. No one seems to agree, and I'm sure adding Jesus into the mix isn't going to calm matters.

Anyway, Richard throws stones into the ditch to pacify the gods and, as a result, isn't murdered on his walk. Maybe next week.




* This is what writers call foreshadowing
Date: February 2019Weather: SunnyGround Quality: MoistEncounters with locals: 21 / 3 stones hit the post

Chapter thirteen: conquistadors

We've seen a few explanations for the continual appearance of stones in previously-cleared areas. So far, this has been attributed to:

  • the Stone Gods
  • outsiders bringing stones onto the field
  • the stones growing

But this week Richard suggested that the stones are actually sentient, and wish to be found.


In his 1983 book, The Meaning of Liff, Douglas Adams proposed the existence of a mineral called Crail:

CRAIL (n. mineral)


Crail is a common kind of rock or gravel found widely across the British Isles.

Each individual stone (due to an as yet undiscovered gravtitaional property) is charged with 'negative buoyancy'.

This means that no matter how much crail you remove from the garden, more of it will rise to the surface.

Crail is much employed by the Royal Navy for making the paperweights and ashtrays used inside submarines.

However, I would like to propose that granular convection (otherwise known as the Brazil Nut effect) might be responsible.

For whatever reason, Richard finds a good crop today and suggests that it might be better to clear less frequently, to allow the stones time to re-appear. He seems to have forgotten that the aim of this exercise is to clear them off the field, not to encourage more of them.

He suggested that there might be 10 billion stones, and he would clear 500 a week. Unfortunately, no one has made a computer which can calculate how long this will take, so we'll have to stick with his earlier estimate of 273 years.

Calculating.. calculating...

Richard is watched by a hawk (a day hawk, rather than the night variety), and ponders the value of gold.


Date: February 2019Weather: Grey, but beautifulGround Quality: ColdEncounters with locals: 22 / 4 stones hit the post

Chapter twelve: Chess

What started as a depressing death-march through a foggy field soon became a joyous jaunt, as Richard found remarkable stocks of stones.

>> ERROR! EXCESS ALLITERATION DETECTED <<

The fog allowed a degree of stealth and, given that this was the first stone clear after a two week hiatus, the Stone Gods had been at work, providing a great bounty. How many stones? I'm not sure. Richard suggested that someone might create some sort of app to count the number of stones as he clears them. Can you imagine the sort of person who would waste their lives counting such a thing? Fucking losers.

Richard mentioned Father Stone and the annual celebration of Stone Day, which we are anticipating with excitement. He didn't mention the exact date, but I'm sure we all know it. I'll never forget last year, when my son was so excited to receive his stone under his pillow. He carried that around in his pocket for a month, the idiot.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_12/


Date: February 2019 - Valentine's Day Weather: FoggyGround Quality: ColdEncounters with locals: 21 / 4 stones hit the post

He's been!

Chapter Eleven: Frozen Stocean

As Jeff Goldblum once said "Uh.. you are going to clear some stones in your stone clearing podcast, right?"

Perhaps not. The layer of snow on the field effectively masked the stones from Richard's view, with only the peaks of possibly peas poking through.

Richard felt self-conscious and, even though he only cleared a couple of Hermione-handfuls of stones, he feared being observed. The snow meant that any covert trips into the stocean would provide footprint evidence.

Richard also clarified two rules (even though there are no rules) involving stones crossing the boundaries. He spoke of stones in the past being used to cool drinks. I am ashamed to admit that I have in my possession some Swedish rocks for this purpose. I now realise that I have broken the rules, and deprived an unknown Swedish stone clearer of his carefully harvested stones. Maybe it was Sven Signpost. Possibly his cairns are structurally unstable as a result. This afternoon I am packaging them up and sending them back to the King of Sweden.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_11/


Date: February 2019Weather: SnowingGround Quality: Snow-coveredEncounters with locals: 31 / 2 stones hit the post

Chapter ten: Bleffed are the Ftone Clearerf

A very philosophical chapter. There was proof (if proof be need be) of the existence of the Stone Gods, who have made stones appear where once there were none. At one point, they made a stone appear underneath Richard's hat, which would have been even more impressive if it had been on his head at the time. As it was, Wolfie had dropped it on the ground, which might instead be evidence of her training as a stone-pointer.

But it is clearly true that the Stone Gods are real, as the universe is made of stones. Forget about molecules, or electrons or Quark. It has always been stones, and thuf it fhall be in perpetuity.

An initially disappointing effort at hitting the post, swiftly turned around with a second batch of stones.

The mystery voice was revealed as belonging to Michael Sheen.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_10/


Date: January 2019Weather: SunnyGround Quality: Frosty - considerable clampingEncounters with locals: 32 / 6 stones hit the post
Not a component of the Universe

Chapter nINE: sTANLEY IS A DICK

An absolute stormer of a chapter. Not that it matters. What matters is the fact that the stones are cleared, not the entertainment value therein.

Nevertheless, this had it all: the proper mention of The Venerable Bede's thoughts about Ftone Clearerf, dog walkers aplenty and Wolfie being attacked by dogs on two separate occasions. Also, we had a rare 100% success rate when hitting the post.

The crops are growing now, as spring is on the way.

Here's a link to Bede's Ecclesiastical History of the English People. I could not find any mention of stone clearers, but maybe I had a poor translation.

http://www.heroofcamelot.com/docs/Bede-Ecclesiastical-History.pdf


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_9/


Date: January 2019Weather: Bright sun but coldGround Quality: Wet soil. Frozen puddles.Encounters with locals: 71 / 1 stones hit the post!

Chapter eight: Ozymandius

What starts with a beautiful piece of singing from Richard's daughter quickly descends into a frantic game of hide and seek, as Richard evades the attentions of, it seems, half the population of Hertfordshire who are out walking their dogs.

Not much stone clearing occurs, unless you count another transgression into the forbidden field to collect the wrong stones. Only an idiot would count that.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_8/


Date: January 2019Weather: Not too cold. CloudyGround Quality: DampEncounters with locals: Many1 / 5 stones hit the post

Chapter seven: Brave new field

In this episode we learn that Christmas for stone clearers is insignificant, as their year lasts as long as the time taken to clear a field. As we know from chapter 6, this is 273 years. Thus we can calculate that Stone Clearer's Christmas will fall in 2287. Mark your calendars!

Presumably there will also be a Stone Clearer's Easter Sunday, when Jesus rolled a huge stone and cleared the entrance to a cave.

In this chapter Richard transgressed onto a neighbouring field, tempted by the bounteous booty on offer. He picked up several large, impressive stones and placed them on his cairn. While this is not in direct contravention of the rules, it is skirting perilously close to rule 7 ("Do not touch another stone clearer's stones"). If we give the benefit of the doubt, we might assume that the other field has no designated clearer. However, such distraction from the clearance of Richard's field must be discouraged.

Wolfie shows potential in tracking stones. First mention of the Venerable Bede.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_7/


Date: January 2019Weather: Bright and sunnyGround Quality: Not specifiedEncounters with locals: 31 / 3 stones hit the post

Chapter six: Horizontal rain

A night raid on the field turned out to be a demoralising, wet experience. Richard struggled to find any corkers and returned home to find that his curry wasn't even ready yet.

We learn that the size of the field is 141,000 square metres (though this is just an estimate), and that it will take 273 years to clear a field which does necessitate that I keep paying for this web domain until it's finished. This will cost around £2500, which I think is a worthwhile investment. To this end I have already contacted solicitors to add a condition in my last will and testament, so that my ancestors will be obliged to keep up the payments and to continue updating the web site.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_6/


Date: December 2018Weather: Horizontal rainGround Quality: Wet & very coldEncounters with locals: 00 / 0 stones hit the post

Chapter five: Dementia Dog

Richard replaced his gloves with metal-infused versions. He discusses the essential pieces of stone clearing equipment, from head to toe, while attempting to train Wolfie to identify potential stones.

Richard recounts the tale of an encounter with an angry local who took against Wolfie, but this did not occur on microphone, so we won't include it in the log (I don't mean the logdog).


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_5/



Date: December 2018Weather: Unseasonably warm. Some rain - sighting of rainbowGround Quality: MoistEncounters with locals: 31 / 3 stones hit the post

Chapter four: Stones 1 Gloves 0

Leaving behind a house beset by sickness, a rejuvenated Richard returns once again to the field.

In this episode we learn that Richard "doesn't know much about history or science." This is self evident, as he answers a correspondent's question about urinating on cairns with a response that is, frankly, bullshit.

The first sighting of a logdog, though the name was not coined until the following episode.

We learn that iPhones are the modern-day equivalent of stones and Richards gloves wear out, such is the power of his clearing.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_4/


Date: December 2018Weather: Bright sun, coldGround Quality: Frosty, but not hard. "The Stone Gods have covered it with their buttery ejaculate"Encounters with locals: 21 / 2 stones hit the post

Chapter THREE: No sparks

An advanced episode. If you are a fledgling stone clearer, you are urged to go back to the paddling pool of Chapter One. This is the deep end, and it's not for the faint-hearted.

Richard goes out in the night, torch in hand, risking attack from ghosts and nighthawks.

Does he manage to make sparks by throwing one stone onto another? No

But does he find his "Great White Stone"? Again, no.

Richard gets demoralised and goes home to clear another day.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_3/


Date: November 2018Weather: Cloudy (night)Ground Quality: Dark - "the ground itself looks like a stone"Encounters with locals: None0 / 0 stones hit the post

Chapter Two: Ground SpideRs

This episode introduced the theme music for the show, composed by Mike Cosgrave.

The main topic is "things that are not stones", which include leaves, dog poo and spiders' webs.

We learn that 5 small stones = 1 medium sized stone. There were no stones thrown at a pole in this episode.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_2/


Date: November 2018Weather: Cold but brightGround Quality: Frosty, ClaggyEncounters with locals: 40 / 0 stones hit the post

Chapter One: Rock Paper Scissors

The introduction of the "voice of the stones", the identity of whom was initially a mystery.

This was a beginner's episode, in which the initial Rules of Stone Clearing are laid down. Lots of advice is given to fledgling clearers. Also the introduction of the "hit the post" sub-game.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_1/


Date: November 2018Weather: Not specifiedGround Quality: Not freezingEncounters with locals: 20 / 3 stones hit the post

Chapter Zero: Intro

An introduction to the art of stone clearing. As well as establishing the basic concepts of Stone Clearing, Richard ponders how stones can reappear in a previously cleared area. His suggestions are rain, or a mischievous Stone God.


https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/intro/


Date: November 2018Weather: RainyGround Quality: WetEncounters with locals: 1