Putin, Assad and Miracle Weapons

Secret tape proves Putin is to blame for everything and the government isn't even lying

In an earlier article we released a tape that proved beyond common sense that Bashar Assad used chemical weapons on his own people for no apparent reason except a determination to encourage the West to bomb his country - or probably might have done if the tape was genuine, which it probably might have been.

The consensus among government spin doctors and the media and other completely trustworthy sources of information is that they are telling the truth and if you don’t believe them you are probably a terrorist, citizen or some other troublemaker.

Anyway, it has since come to light that not only did Assad use chemical weapons to no personal or strategic advantage (which just shows what kind of maniac he really is) he also used miracle chemical weapons! This also proves he probably almost certainly might be a disciple of Beelezebub and/or Vladimir Putin (whichever is the most evil).

These weapons are so miraculous that they kill everybody who comes into contact with them except journalists and camera crews.

They are also cleverly disguised so that they induce symptoms almost identical with having been blown up by high explosives dropped on them by American/British/French/Israeli/Russian war planes. This enables the evil Assad to hit his own people with chemical weapons (evil) disguised as conventional weapons such as phosphorous shells, napalm, depleted Uranium shells and so forth used by kindly civilised countries with the best interests of the Syrian people at heart.

And if that were not miraculous enough, even after a full-scale attack, entire neighbourhoods can be cleaned up within hours without using any specialist equipment or even Hazmat suits, leaving no trace whatever that a chemical attack had actually occurred!

Not only that but the facilities used to make and store these chemical weapons are designed so that even when they are blown up, they are perfectly safe and release no dangerous chemicals into the environment at all.

These chemical weapons were specially developed to embarrass Teresa May in so far as the following scenario could play out:

(a) Assad could drop chemical bombs on one of his own cities then

(b) entice the British government into accusing him of same after long minutes of checking their facts and then waiting a whole day until they were sure they were not basing their reaction on dodgy or made-up information before

(c) bombing Syria’s chemical weapons sites which were miraculously identified as having been there all along posing as supermarkets and cinemas, despite nobody knowing they were there a day or two earlier and then

(d) having all trace of the chemical attack vanish and the attack site become safe overnight for journalists and people to walk around in and thus make the Brits look as if they were telling fibs and making up excuses to do what they wanted to do all along (drop bombs on someone).

Again, this just proves what kind of maniac Assad actually is.

Moreover, it also proves that Assad and his Russian allies have far more advanced clean-up technology than we do, given that according to HMG, which never lies or exaggerates, it will take months and billions of pounds to clean up Salisbury after a chemical agent was smeared on a door handle.

And on the subject of that attack on Salisbury, we now also have a secretly taped recording of Vladimir Putin giving the order for the chemical attack on the town. In the brief tape, which is probably just a snippet from a much longer but now mislaid recording, Putin can clearly be heard speaking with a Ukrainian accent and a slight lisp. We are assured by experts that this is almost certainly probably due to Putin having had recent dental work. The other person in the tape could not be identified but seems to be a senior KGB official and is henceforth referred to as SKGBO.

SKGBO: So what do you want to do about Sergei Skripal Mr President?

PUTIN: Who?

SKGBO: Sergei Skripal the unscrupulous double agent who was spying for the Brits. He’s living in exile in Salisbury.

PUTIN: Oh him, yes, well as you know, I really do not like people who are disloyal to their own countries and the matter of this particular scum bag is so important I’ve decided to drop everything such as running Russia and trying to keep us out of World War Three with the Americans, to personally direct the operation against this Skruple character.

SKGBO: Skripal. So what do you want done with him exactly?

PUTIN: Well, I want him dead, obviously. Can’t you bump him off?

SKGBO: Bump him off? Is that entirely fair on Britain, which always behaves so honorably and never ever bumps anyone off even when they’ve been really inconvenient?

PUTIN: Who cares about that? The obvious innocence of Britain and the way they never do anything bad or are always well justified when they do, is not my concern. Yet the way they are always so honourable I do find quite annoying actually. So yes. Bump the bastard off.

SKGBO: Yes, well you’re the boss. We have various methods we can use, poisons that are untraceable, induce a heart attack and so on and so forth. We can bump him off quietly and efficiently with no fuss and no way to prove it was us who did it. Or he could meet with an accident like falling down a lift shaft - could happen to anyone - get run over by his own car whilst changing a tyre on the M25, fall under a tube train at Marble Arch . . .

PUTIN: No, no., no that will never do, you idiot. That's much too neat and flirts with the possibility we might get away with it. I want it done in such a way that it is really messy, attracts lots of hostile attention and can be easily traced to Russia. You know, use a chemical agent that can be easily identified as one of ours? We have such a chemical and have not bothered to keep it secret so the Brits already know about it.

SKGBO: Well yes, I suppose . . .

PUTIN: And cause maximum disruption, give the British tabloids an excuse to have hysterics - we must make sure that the people of Britain really hate us, will not not want to get along with Russia and be willing to risk World War three over it.

SKGBO: Yes, but why do you want that?

PUTIN: I just do.

SKGBO: But the British government and their American bosses have been itching for an excuse to make us the enemy so they can justify squeezing money out of their tax payers and giving it to their arms industry. Would that not be playing right into their hands?

PUTIN: Yes, but playing right into their hands is the last thing the Brits would expect us to do . . .

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: "Cut!"

TAPE ENDS ABRUPTLY

Related news

The government responds to accusations that the tape (see above) is fake. "We now believe the tape was a red herring," says Ministry of Not Lying spokesperson, "designed to hide the fact that Putin personally smeared a chemical nerve agent on the door handle in Salisbury." CCTV footage showing a heavily disguised Putin entering the UK via Heathrow the day before will be released soon.