Show Transcript

Halloween Reflections

Narrator Hello? Who's out there? It's so dark and I can't quite see you. Oh, it's you! Well, if you were trying to scare me, you succeeded. I wasn't expecting to see anyone at this hour. Something keeping you awake, too? I thought I'd take a midnight stroll through these empty halls. It gets so drafty. And here I am just in my evening wear.

Narrator Don't you love this old mirror? So tall and it shows my whole body. Head to toe. Do you like it? The mirror, I mean! Anyway, aren't mirrors fascinating? They reflect who you are, sure. But they also expose the person you're becoming.

Narrator What do you see in the mirror when it's late and dark and you're staring into your own eyes? Has your reflection ever been confusing? Have you ever wanted to change it? How exciting, how dangerous. Isn't this the perfect time to try something a little scary, to try on a new reflection?

Narrator I think it is. I think you're ready. Here, go through my wardrobe right now. When my candle.

Narrator Now, try something on, and while you do, I'll tell you some stories. Would you like that? Good.

Let's hear from three people. Each of them looked into a mirror, just like you are doing, and tried something new. When their reflections changed, people noticed. Isn't it hard to hide in your own costume?

Narrator Brianna's favorite costume was a new kind of experience for her.

Brianna I hadn't really done like drag at all. But it was it was drag. I don't know if I ever showed you a picture, when I dressed up as Prince?

Narrator Alexis' costume was inspired by a source closer to home.

Alexis For some reason, when I was about five, I decided that the thing I wanted to be was my dad. And I would run around in that costume. And I can't remember if I knew about Halloween first, or I knew about the costume first. But either way, one of the first Halloweens I can remember was me being the real Pappa.

Narrator And Steve, well, his costume was less specific.

Steve I dressed up as a girl, and not any girl in particular.

Valerie Just a girl?

Steve Just a girl. That was the costume. I was a girl.

Narrator And while their stories all take place at different ages, they have something in common; enthusiastic experimentation with gender.

Brianna That was my best costume for sure. Like, I went and got my hair done and I went to the thrift store and got, like, the Purple Rain, I just like figured it out. And I put a bunch of studs on the jacket. It was amazing, I did my makeup...

Alexis I've got like this drawn on, chocolate-colored beard, a yellow trucker's cap with a white back, that's way too big for me...

Brianna I had my shirt unbuttoned. And I think I use tape so that my tits weren't out completely. I had drawn chest hair on my chest, but like, you could still see kinda some cleavage.

Steve I had a curly red wig. I don't know where it came from. I don't think that Halloween was the only time I wore it.

Alexis And I've got on a tiny plaid shirt, and little jeans...

Brianna I brought the Guitar Hero guitar to work and wore it. People were into it. It was so fun.

Steve The dress that I wore, if I remember, was my mother's wedding dress.

Valerie Wow.

Steve Yeah.

Valerie She let you wear her wedding dress?

Steve She did. That's the kind of mom she was. I think it might be true that the wedding dress was the only dress in the house. I think maybe taking me dress shopping would've crossed an invisible barrier from like safe costume world to, you know, weird stuff with the weird kid territory. So, at the time it seemed like a perfectly normal and obvious choice. And it isn't until adulthood and reflecting back that I realized that other there's six year old boys were Ninja Turtles, and were not going to school in their mom's wedding dress.

Alexis We had very little money at that point, I remember. So we lived a little camping life more than a few times. In a quasi-renovated school bus that we named Sally I have images of all of us as a family, really. And my dad would always be the one gathering firewood. That was my father's world. So I have a lot of memories and images of him sitting in silhouette against the burning fireplace. "Papa" is what we call my dad. Never "Dad" really, always "Papa." But yeah, I wanted to be The Real Papa.

Narrator For as long as humanity has been getting dressed some humans have dressed in drag. Like all those people, Brianna, Alexis and Steve have different reasons for cross-dressing. Alexis and Steve are exploring their gender identities. Brianna is exploring her gender, too, but also her sexual identity. All three of them seem really happy in their reflections so far. But will a chill run down their spines when the world looks back?

Steve So, my dad ate at Del Taco every day. Which also meant that we ate at Del Taco, a lotta days. He was, and still is, on a first name basis with like all the people who work at that Del Taco. And the guy who runs the Del Taco, I remember his name was Kaiser.

Valerie Oh, wow.

Steve And so we went through the drive through on the day that I was dressed up and Kaiser did not recognize me. And I was thrilled, really thrilled.

Brianna And that Halloween was like on a Friday night, so it was just like all the pieces were there for me to have a good time. I got a little tipsy, the DJ put on I don't even remember what Prince song it was and I just like, performed.

Valerie You were the star!

Brianna And it was really funny because I probably had like so many men tell me, like, "OK, I think you look really sexy right now and it's like kind of messing me up," because I had like my like shadow on my face, for his facial hair. But you know, Prince was so sexy, Prince appealed to all.

Valerie So you probably loved the confusion.

Brianna Oh, it was really fun. It was fun to make people feel that way. Which is really actually out of character for me, I hate performing, but I think like, in the costume, on a Friday night, drunk...

Steve The goal of any costume is to be someone else, and so that was a distinct win in that in that sense that, you know, this person who I saw from the passenger seat of my dad's truck every day, he saw somebody else in that seat. That was very exciting.

Alexis What I'm becoming aware of with my gender now, which is, I think, non binary, is that I've never really identified with any female sort of stereotypes, women characters, I just never did. And all the media that I see every every like girl or femme, AFAB person always turns out to be like their mom. But I've always been more like my dad.

Valerie Could you quickly clarify AFAB?

Alexis Assigned female at birth. It's a way, and it's not the only way, but it's a way of talking about what gender someone was given, regardless of what gender they are now. And I've never felt great of the phrase "I'm a girl" or "I'm a woman." It always just felt weird, so it's great to not have to use it anymore.

Steve I don't feel much more strongly pulled towards a traditional cultural idea of femininity than I do a traditional cultural idea of masculinity. I like to paint my nails, I don't do it very often. Most dresses don't have enough pockets, and so that's...

Valerie Ain't that the truth.

Steve The other thing, too, is that I'm bald and I have a big beard, and I am not interested in changing that either. So, I think it has it is the way this expresses itself most naturally for me is that I wear these real comfortable size 14 Gloria Vanderbilt pants with elastic waistband. And there would have been a time when I didn't feel comfortable doing that, and there would have been a time that I didn't feel comfortable standing in the women's section of the Goodwill, trying to figure out what size I am. But now I do.

Brianna I have been able to really get in touch with that for myself and really love that I am a woman who is very sexual and very sensual, and have been really intentional in exploring that and pushing myself, because I think that it's a type of woman that we need to see more. Women that are confident in their sexualities and like that don't feel disempowered by their sexualities being... out.

Steve I think after you've gotten fucked in the ass and called somebody Daddy enough times that, like, it just doesn't seem that taboo to where Gloria Vanderbilt pants.

Narrator I think I have some Gloria Vanderbilt on the bottom shelf, should you share Steve's sentiment. And aren't you happy to hear that their outfits were well received? Speaking of which, I love what you picked out for yourself, give me a twirl. Look in the mirror. What do you think? Stunning. Let's hear about how Alexis' Papa costume turned out.

Alexis Just the other day, actually, I was on the phone with my mom and in response to me saying that despite my best efforts, I've turned into my father, and so my mom on the phone goes, "Well, that's cause you're The Real Papa." And we all laughed really hard, cause that's been the joke in my family for years, and I'm really way more like him than anybody else in my family. And so when my mom said this, I went, "funny you should mention that, actually, I don't use She/Her pronouns anymore".

Alexis It was one of the best setups I could have possibly asked for. And my mom, without skipping a beat, says, "Oh, are you a They, or a He?" and I just went, "I'm a They!" and it was the neatest possible transition from her memory of that first costume.

Valerie She got it. She was like, I'm in this, I'm in this. I get it. I'm thinking of The Real Papa.

Alexis Yup!

Valerie That's adorable.

Alexis Think it surprised no one.

Narrator So you see, sometimes costumes can reveal more than you ever intended. Take one last look in the mirror at your reflection. It's easy to get lost in there, isn't it? I hope you won't be afraid to keep trying on new identities, and whatever you choose will be sure to give me some delightful chills. Now be a good little ghoul and say "thank you" to Brianna, Alexis and Steve for giving you a glimpse into their mirrors. And if you're craving some more, one-on-one time, come back tomorrow night. I'll leave the candle on for you.

Narrator Stay a Spell is made by Valerie Ramos Mills and Steve Nelson, with story editing by Alexis Ettner. Additional credits can be found in our show notes, and special thanks to Larissa Mills for working the night shift.

Alexis That was sick.

Valerie Leave that in there and play that at the end. That would make me so happy, like leave the silence for like... maybe ten seconds. ;)