refracted reflections i

~ β Hydrae, Naos, γ Hydrae, Ashlesha ~

the energy i kinda believe in

what was before the big bang?

that could be called god

i feel most capable of believing in something beyond me when i feel connected to the things beyond me and least capable when i feel alone

i used to be an atheist

because my parents raised me without religion

she asked me if i wanted to do confirmation classes. i said sure because i really liked hanging out and eating pizza once a week.

now i’m in a grey zone of spiritual agnosticism

what is consciousness?

about a month after his death

1,500ish miles from my immediate family

holding onto the possibility

if not the certainty

that there’s something

that tends toward good

uniting every living thing

a way to look past the fact

life is unplannable and unfair

i was/and probably remain/very interested in judaism

sorta kinda maybe believing in something

a super radical social justice minister

why are you so wondrously kind?

i don’t think anything could make me certain that some kind of unifying goodness exists

i got baptized when i was like 10.

my mum was unimpressed.

i never got confirmed.

i feel it when i’m singing along to a song

even more so when i’m singing with thousands of people

music in general really does it for me

when the tightness in my chest untangles

why is this sunset so beautiful?

and i can breathe

culturally interfaith but not super religious

man! i hope that’s not weird to say…

found myself holding onto the belief that people’s life energy doesn’t disappear, just changes forms

funny story.

in these bizarre times, i have been waking up in the middle of the night quite suddenly and then been up for an hour or so.

it seemed at least somewhat plausible

and it made me feel good

and i needed something positive to believe in

all the great and profound mysteries

wow. that is a list of questions i cannot handle right now!

adjacent to prayer

something i’ve done more and more

since living in Z

while my immediate family

and closest friends

live in A

i remember having a nighttime prayer written out and taped to the top of my bunkbed [i always slept on the bottom bunk]

my parents’ beliefs have definitely impacted my own

i’m intensely skeptical of organized faith

my mum, a militant atheist, met my dad, a “spiritual not religious” person, at an organizing meeting.

somewhat religious

though less so

and differently

what is consciousness?

every day i try to sit for 30 mins in the morning and 30 mins in the evening

amateur theory:

spiritual belief might be more prone to shifting over time than religious belief b/c it’s less hemmed in by a structure…

my dad started taking me after i showed interest, because my friend went, and sunday school sounded fun

i haven’t witnessed it

my mum was unimpressed

after dinner, we’d migrate to the living room to sing jewish folk songs

i’m kind of approaching this as a conversation

even though it’s written

sending a ~vaguely spiritual~ ghost hug

into my lungs and body

for better or worse, i think i would raise my kids the same way my parents did

every friday night i set the table with a tablecloth and china. my mom lit candles. we chanted prayers and blessed each other.

without organized religion

open to explore

giving advice shaped by my ever-changing spiritual worldview

this weekly dinner was probably the most defining ritual of our family, though i drifted away when i went to college

it kick-started a really interesting conversation on belief

everyone shared a highlight of their week and something we were grateful for

parents with an interbelief marriage

mother was not religious

father intensely so

ended up choosing her mother’s path

her brother chose her father’s

after dealing with some intense mental and physical health stuff, i was forced to rethink some of my ideas on the whole spirituality situation

lit candles and drank wine

bring attention to my breath

why are you so wondrously kind?

feeling the sensations of the air through the inhale.

she didn’t tell me to trust in anything, just to trust in things running their course.

the exhale.

a fastidious fixation with tradition

strong critiques of the church

my dad sliced the challah until my parents divorced, at which point my younger brother took over that part of the ritual

it kind of felt like a spiritual hiatus

out of the nostrils and back into the atmosphere

feels herself moving further and further away from it

very mundane to the point of being invisible

or visible only in hindsight

what was before the big bang?

it’s perfectly ok not to know all the answers

spiritually adventurous

was curious to experience it

[who actually knows what consciousness is? when will this pandemic end?]

i had shabbat tonight in the Pervert’s Kitchen - that’s what we call our home.

to me, that is peace and joy.

and to me, that is God.

i.e. watching the breath

when i don’t know, i can get flushed

my blood pumps faster

i get tiny unpleasant sensations on my body

experience it more fully

their friends were witchy, scarved, and clad in all black with hair dyed bright pink and blue

every

day

morning

and evening

able to connect more and more

with my definition of god

everything changes, even the deepest of feelings