Week 5

Tuesday, 10.8.2019

Journal Entry

I contacted Ms. Wallner about getting the footage from my HSS511 class, but she said that she'll be out of the office for the next FIVE DAYS and that she still hasn't interviewed anyone from my class. I told her that was fine and I'd appreciate anything she already has. Apparently Communications only uses super-slow-motion footage with no audio--very strange. Do they toss all of the original files after they've edited them?

Anyway, hopefully I'll be getting that soon. I feel bad having to rely on someone else for material and footage but I also can't film my own class when I need to be in the class and participating, right? She also asked if I had any video editing experience, which is kind of odd considering I've been working on an 8-part FILM portfolio and who makes a documentary without any editing experience. That sounds petty but, like, come on.

Thursday, 10.10.2019

Journal Entry

I've really been on that College Grind this week so I haven't been able to contribute to the Portfolio Grind nearly as much. That being said, I'm finally at Polk, if only on Thursday, and I've added some final touches to Chapter 3 and it has been exported. Woohoo!

Friday, 10.11.2019

Journal Entry

I met with Mr. Kelman today and told him that I've been feeling really stressed because I haven't made very much tangible progress on Chapters 7 or 8. He recommended that do some free writing since I know I want Chapter 8 to be about the future and discussions of the future, and I have done free writing in the past, like writing without stopping, when I'm in an intellectual rut, so I tried it. I think it worked a little bit, maybe not in making more tangible progress, but at least in making me feel better?

Free Write

I don’t like thinking about the future. I always feel like there are just so many THINGS and not enough time to do all the THINGS. And then when I think about other people, I’m reminded that they, too, do so many things, but they do them so, so brilliantly, more brilliantly than I will ever be able to. That makes me sad, because the things they do are so incredibly large, and the things I do are so incredibly small. How can people do so any large things when they are so young? It makes me very confused but also very scared because the future is approaching rapidly and the past just feels like a very warm blanket. Like your bed on a December morning when you wake up early to go to school but you don’t want to leave the covers because your body heat has made the covers warm and the air outside the covers is so freezing. But you make yourself get out anyway, gritting your teeth the whole time, because you know you have to and there’s no way around it. The past is the warm blanket, the warm bed. The past is so warm. I am so nostalgic for the warmth.

I am also scared of the future because I have learned that the world and the history of the world are so very vast, and within this vast history, I am so very small. I don’t feel like I can really do much within this extreme vastness. I know that’s not fair because we are all very small yet people do very big things every day. I don’t know if I can ever be one of them.

I was asked recently about my bucket list and what might have been at the top of said bucket list. I realized that I had never made a bucket list. Is that a sign of privilege, or a sign of defeat? I don’t imagine myself not having a future, certainly, but I’ve also never imagined what I would like to do beyond the things I know I will do. I don’t think a career count as a bucket list item. I once heard of a girl who wanted to save a life as a part of her bucket list. That seems a little too big for me. Maybe I could just put something like “Stand in a big open grass field and look at the stars,” but that’s a little too small. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s just right.

Sunday, 10.13.2019

Journal Entry

Came to Polk to edit tonight. I didn't feel like working on Chapter 4 so I started Chapter 5 instead. That was not the best choice because I came with Emily and the whole time my face was blown up on my desktop and that made me really self-conscious. I should just remember to never appear in anything I made because CLEARLY I hate being on camera. I don't know why I thought Oh, just this one time. In the name of art! and didn't think that I would dislike it. Agh, whatever, it's made already and it could be worse.