My skin was unmarred
As smooth as a freshwater pearl
the scars were drawn with invisible ink
and painted with false hopes.
No steel ever cut through my veins,
there never was a mark.
But there didn’t need to be one.
I bit my fingers until they bled
I pulled my fingers until they popped
I forced my fingers down until they cracked
It was awful
torture
and it hurt.
I was stuck inside the mind of a mad woman,
cuddling crazy like it was her child.
I couldn’t find a key and besides there was no lock:
there was no one but me forcing myself to do this
And that was what hurt.
I didn’t listen when I was pleading myself to stop
no amount of salt water tears ever gave way to saltwater pearls
I only had my arms.
And why did I do it?
I’m screaming at the child, I want this playdate to end
But the mad woman shushes me,
insists this is right.
I did it because I had to.
I needed to know I was real.