Sairam my dear allies, it is such a blessing to be able to share our stories through this platform! A big shoutout to Sai Anjali for her courage and initiative in creating this safe for us Sai young adults to come out and support each other. Ever since I was in third grade, I remember myself looking at aunties in the Sai center and imagining my future being with a wife such as them. I always looked up on the admirably loving Sai center aunties, they were so caring and kind to me! As I grew up a little bit I realized that “girls don’t marry girls.” I felt extremely guilty and ashamed of myself for imagining these things. I decided to hide my feelings and I even started distancing myself from other girls in Balvikas because I felt like a bad person for having such thoughts. I often wondered if Swami would “forgive” me. As I grew older I developed feelings for men, I discovered I am bisexual. I felt so horribly of myself that I even considered suicide. It was at that time that the Bollywood movie “Ek ladki ko dekha toh aisa laga” was on Netflix. Coming from a Punjabi home the movie was all too relatable! So I made my parents watch it with me and after it was over I looked over at them to see their reactions, my mother had known all along that I was attracted women and my father asked me where he could buy a rainbow shirt to become an ally. Gosh!!! I cried so much as I felt their love around me! My mother even told my aunts and cousins who reached out to me with love and acceptance! I never knew that I not only can be accepted but also supported for my identity as a part of the LGBTQIA community. My parents love assured me of Swami’s love! I felt so blessed and so proud of my family for being such an amazing support. My grandma (Naani) was my favorite adult growing up, I loved her so much and we always talked over the phone! I told my Naani and her response filled me with tears of joy as I felt overwhelmed with love. My Naani just sang this song for me- “khulam khula pyaar karenge hum dono, iss duniya se nahi darenge hum dono” which translates to we will love each other fearlessly and never be afraid of what anyone else thinks! 

Today I feel strength and pride in my identity as I am able to support my clients who struggle with their identity. I am a mental health counselor and I feel so blessed that I have this opportunity to serve and spread Swami’s love! I would like to end with one of my favorite quotes- “The best gift you are ever going to give someone is permission to feel safe in their own skin. To feel worthy. To feel like they are enough.” Hannah Brencher.

I’m once again so proud of you Anjali for starting this amazing safe space and I can’t wait to connect to with all you beautiful young adults who get it, are allies, or identify as a part of the LGBTQIA community too 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 lots of love to you all and please feel free to connect with me anytime! 

Sairam everyone. My introduction to the LGBT community came from two friends I made on the first day of 9th grade. I would be lying to myself if I said I knew what being trans meant before I met them. I instantly gravitated towards them in my first period biology class and we became close. I didn’t, at first, notice the way they expressed themselves or how they would feel uncomfortable when someone used she/her pronouns with them. But I was soon confronted with the realization that they were trying so hard to be themselves.

I joined the GSA (gay straight alliance) because of them, blindly introducing myself as “the token straight girl haha.” In those 45 minutes every week, I quickly was caught up on what I missed in my years of ignorance. What did all the letters stand for? What did it mean to transition? What is deadnaming? “It would be so cool to like girls”, I used to think. But too bad that could never be me, I always concluded. 4 years in that school, and almost every week I was in GSA. The token heterosexual label slowly began to feel icky. I wrestled with whether I was hoping to be gay or whether I was actually gay. I know, I was an idiot, but comphet is a powerful thing. The concept of fluidity and what is normal was something I was never forced to question.

Sparing you the details, I went into college thinking maybe I could be bisexual. By then, I was very knowledgeable about the community, the history, the law, everything. I was just waiting for that same clarity to dawn on me about myself. But I guess I always knew deep down, I was just unwilling to trust myself. I didn’t believe me. My brother’s then girlfriend (now wife yay) was basically my best friend. We would talk for hours and hours on the phone and she was the first person I told I was bisexual. She helped me build the confidence to tell my brother, who then helped me tell my mom. 

Years later, I’m not bisexual (shocker), I’m gay. Everyone in my family knows and they’re all such fierce allies that they would probably go to pride before I even did. There are a few, elder members of my family that took time to understand, but never was love lost. 

After having told who I needed to tell personally, I needed to rid myself of this shadow. I just needed it to be out there, I needed everyone to know. What better way than to post on instagram lol. I’ve been out since November 2022 and what a life changing moment that was. Everything began to feel like it was falling into place.

In all of this, and trust me there’s waaaaay more to this story than you’ve read here, not once did I falter in my faith that Swami loved me. In fact, when I felt betrayed by people and their lack of awareness, I turned to Swami to reassure me that I am how He intended.

There are infinite qualities of the Sai community that are irreplaceable and wildly necessary for me to be able to live my life. I don’t think I could go a month without singing in a bhajan session. I wouldn’t have any meaningful friendships if it weren’t for the Sai organization. I, honestly, would be lost without it. But people are people and while I’ve been blessed to have a Sai community that openly accepts me and embraces my identity and wants to be educated and participates in my growth, there are those who will make you question yourself. There are people who will blame you or who will cry or who will look at you differently. Know that even through all of it, you are not alone and you are worthy and you are loved. It will take time for those who are on a journey of acceptance and love to understand, and that’s okay. Through all of it, you will still have immense support from those around you (and me!). 

I am so grateful to my family and my friends for their continued love and learning. I will forever be indebted to my first two high school friends who showed me, through their own journeys of struggle and fear and pain, a path to self-understanding and conviction that would likely have taken me much longer to learn without them–wherever both of you are now, I owe you the world. 

Thank you Anjali for allowing me to join you in running this project. I look forward to everything I have to learn in creating this space for everyone. As usual, please feel free to reach out to me here (DMs and anon. submissions open) or on my main @_msivakumar.

Sairam! Growing up in rural North Carolina, I was taught by my peers from a young age that being gay was bad. I was called gay many times as an insult and saw the negative way my community felt about marriage equality during an amendment vote in 2012. I held this prejudiced mindset for a long time until high school, when I met and befriended LGBTQ+ people that were out, happy, and kind. Growing up, there were many times I asked myself if I was gay. Each time, I found an excuse to stop my self-reflection. After all, I hadn’t seen anyone who looked like me or had my religious beliefs come out proudly as LGBTQ+. It limited what I thought was possible for myself.

In high school, I finally came to terms with the fact that I like women. This is where things got hard. I struggled with negative feelings toward myself for being gay and fear of the future. I was afraid of what my parents would say, that I would have to walk away from the Sai Center, and that if I told people, they would hate me just like I once did. These fears prevented me from being able to truly accept myself. However, Swami always made sure I knew He loved the LGBTQ+ community and showed me this constantly. In all three Sai Centers I went to, I saw pride flags in ways that felt like Swami orchestrated Himself, but I’ll share one: there was a day I got so angry at Swami during bhajans because he made me gay and that scared me. After bhajans, I was making my way out of the hall and saw an aunty carrying her #CiscoPride bag. It was such an unlikely “coincidence” and to this day, I have still not seen another pride themed item at bhajans in Raleigh.

Then, Swami gave me the strength to share my identity with others. This was a difficult process, and I remember feeling terrified. Coming out isn’t a one-time event and for me, was messy and happened over the course of years. At first, I kept trying to convince myself I was bisexual and then finally accepted I am a lesbian. I’ve received both positive and negative first reactions, and I’ve even come out and then taken it back right after. And some relationships have taken time to heal, but they did. Swami gave me the patience, courage, and self-confidence. However, I’m overwhelmingly surprised by how accepting people have been compared to how scared I was to tell them, especially within the Sai community. I’m so grateful for all the people that supported me no matter what and for the rights I have living in the US. 

This is a reminder to anyone struggling to accept their own identity that Swami is always with you, loves you, and gives you the strength every day to be able to find peace within yourself. And hopefully this project will create a community of Sai LGBTQIA+ devotees and allies and demonstrate that we are ready to accept everyone, regardless of identity. We are all here for you, and I’m always open to connecting to listen or share.

Sai Ram all – little did I think that after years of being “out”, I would still be penning a coming out story, but as those who identify as LGBTQ+ often can attest, coming out is a lifelong journey. I do want to state at the outset that this is a special sharing for me, for, unlike the sharing that happens with family and colleagues, it is an honor to do this with my dearest Sai sojourners! For life is a journey, where one is constantly encountering, learning, realizing and eventually self-realizing. 

I always knew I was oriented differently – as a little boy, I was inclined towards the arts, and while I enjoyed tennis and swimming, I just could not bond over the one thing that all men in my family back in India were religious (fanatical?) about – cricket! The resistance was innate and as I realize now, also manufactured. I was gently taking a stance of mild rebellion as a ten-year-old, making a statement by not fitting in. But growing up in South India in the eighties – a time where there were few, if any, positive role models for gay people – was challenging. I could not articulate this dissonance I felt with my age group and found it challenging to make lasting friendships. As a result, I was an escapist… I remember as a pre-teen coming back from school and watching witty Tamil movies, so much so, I could recall the dialogs verbatim and regale audiences with reenactments. I also dove deep into academics and music. The former would have me obsessing about being “the first rank” in my class at school - I wanted to make myself and my family proud - and the latter would bring me to Swami through the blissful experience of bhajans!

Associating with Swami and his organization marked a decade long phase from high school to grad school to work here in the US, where bhajans and seva, and more importantly the spiritual foundations behind why we engage in these would form the cornerstone of my existence. 

That we are here to experience a divine journey, that this life’s journey is more than the numbers, relationships, and events that we identify with, and that we are here to share our talents and our privileges helping others, without identifying ourselves as the helpers. I met tons of amazing people along the way – gifted people, inspiring people, happy people, that I completely lost myself in the joys of the Sai Satsang!

But remember that escapist teen you met at the beginning of this story, he was still very much playing his hand. The time I call out above was also one of diversion and avoidance, rejecting notions of what was becoming increasingly clear to me – repressing and giving no air supply to the idea that I was a gay man! After all, attraction (towards any gender) wasn’t important, because we’re here in these bodies to overcome it – overcome things like desire, lust, and attachment. And if I could focus on that next achievement, get better on that next work or academic engagement, plan that next service project, master that next gamaka, and enact that next funny scene – all will be well, and this will be “managed”. Giving no acknowledgement to an aspect that is so core to one’s identity leaves one exhausted, dispirited and generally disillusioned with life – and I was no exception. I hit rock bottom just around my 28th birthday with strong persistent emotions around living a lie. I felt I had nothing of substance to give, and no life left to experience. It should have been a moment of liberation – but here I was and still am. I had strong indications that changes had to be made – the journey was not done – and in fact, a new chapter was beginning.  

This also marked a new chapter in my relationship with Swami. He became a close and trusted confidante, supporter, and mirror, and was the constant source of personal courage and fortitude I needed on this journey – one where I would accept ALL truths associated with Sunil. I came out as a gay man, first to my ex-wife, then to my parents and finally to my work colleagues. Subsequently, when I switched jobs, I swore I would not accept a job where I could not be openly gay. I tied my interests for music and service into this new identity I was forging for myself. I sang with Men’s Choruses and volunteered at clinics for at-risk youth. I served on LGBT+ boards at work and at South Asian organizations – and I found another community I had something in common with. 

I realized how core Swami and the organization were to me and my well-being. I threw myself into any work that came my way, deeming it as God-given. I also began to share my gay identity with other YAs (back when I was one) and with Sai elders… I expanded my circle of trust. Over the years, I have grown more confident of this process, always feeling empowered about sharing my story (sometimes awkwardly, sometimes seamlessly… remember coming out is a life-long process!) and hoping to normalize it in the groups I engage with. Swami’s messages, His devotees, bhajans that are sung in His praise, discussions with Sai folk that center around His teachings – these continue to be sustenance for my soul and my life. Swami’s messages are universal – they are not for some, but for all (He was onto something with the” Love All, Serve All” message ☺). 

One of the many purposes that define my life now is what I refer to as the normalization of being gay. That my being gay – far from being a shameful taint – is simply a core aspect of who I am, what I bring to every conversation and interaction, and what I represent to the world around me. It does not need to be amplified or curtailed, it just has to be. If there’s one thing I’d like to leave you with, it is this: know that everyone has the opportunity to live life on their terms… embrace this act of being rather than simply doing. I have grown to realize that we may arrive in this world with fabulous rainbow prints and designs, but we are in fact cut from the same cloth! Jai Sai Ram!