Honoring My Journey

Is it even possible not to grow over a decade? I sometimes wonder. I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned and changed. Things change no matter what, and I’m grateful for the direction my life has taken. I’m proud of the life I’ve built, and I’m excited to see what the next 10 years will bring.

My birthday is next month, and I’ll be stepping into a new decade. I’ve never minded getting older. It’s fun to joke about it, especially with my husband, who’s six years older than me. I love calling him an “old man” whenever he teases me about my age. But in all seriousness, life is meant to be lived, and I’m grateful for another year to stay true to myself, explore new places, and experience new things.

As I write this, I’m at the airport, waiting to board a flight to see my childhood friends. We’re spending a few days together, and I’m so excited for a break from everyday life and the chance to reconnect. We met almost 30 years ago and became instant friends!

Nine years ago, I met Kevin. At that time, my life was finally settling down after my divorce. I had a job I could manage while being mostly a full-time mom. My kids were 3, 5, 7, and 9, and we were starting to hit a groove. Life felt manageable.

One night, the kids’ dad decided—like so many times before—that he wasn’t going to take them for the weekend. There was always an excuse: he was sick, broke, or didn’t have food for them. I was disappointed, especially for the kids. They loved their dad, and every time he gave up his time with them, it hurt them. And it took a toll on me, too—I could never count on time for myself. When I did get some free time, I’d spend it doing laundry, meal prepping, or catching up on sleep. My whole life was centered around the kids, and while I loved being with them, I wished their dad understood that parenting doesn’t come with days off. You just do what it takes.

Feeling down and unsure of what to do next, I got a notification from Tinder (don’t judge me! I’m old, and it was the only free dating app at the time). It was Kevin. His profile picture showed him with his four kids—one girl and three boys, just like me! Cute, right? He was a dad who prioritized his kids, and he loved music. It 'moved' him. A man in touch with his emotions, who wasn’t afraid to show it on a dating profile? We had already talked earlier that week and set up a date for the weekend. He initiated it, too! Seriously, where do I sign?

In the years leading up to my separation and divorce, I’d been on a journey of self-discovery. I didn’t have the right words for it back then, but I was determined to live authentically, even when it wasn’t easy. So when Kevin asked how I was doing, I was brutally honest. I told him I was sad, disappointed, and angry because I had to reschedule our date. Baby daddy was acting like a princess, only seeing the kids when it suited him. Kevin asked if I needed a hug, and I melted. Yes, I absolutely needed a hug!

Once the kids were asleep, Kevin came by, and we went for a walk around my apartment complex. Romantic, right? Neither of us realized it at the time, but it was the peak of the end-of-summer meteor shower. After spotting several shooting stars, we laid down in a driveway and watched the show.

I’m sure you’re wondering what I did about the kids’ dad not stepping up. I grabbed three bags of groceries, showed up with the kids, and guess what? They had a great time, and he survived. And I got to go on that date after all.

Seeing my old friends again brings back so many memories. We haven’t spent much time together over the last 20 years, but these women knew me before life got complicated. In some ways, being with them is like looking in a mirror that reflects who I used to be. It’s interesting because I’ve changed so much, but it’s also a reminder of a truer version of myself—one that can be hard to find in my day-to-day life.

As I look ahead to this next decade, I’m thrilled about the endless possibilities! I’ve never been more excited about life than I am now. It’s not about getting older; it’s about getting to know my true self—sometimes for the first time. I’m becoming more whole as I learn who I am and who I aspire to be.

Yesterday, I cried through an entire therapy session, overwhelmed by a grief so deep I couldn’t escape it. Grief for not arriving here sooner. Grief for the time I spent living for everyone else, disconnected from myself. But letting that grief move through me has helped me refocus on what really matters. I’m learning to take care of my needs, passions, and desires.

For the first time in a long time, I’m no longer afraid of who I am or what I want. I’m not pushing myself aside for the outdated beliefs of others. But now, I’m excited to find myself again. I think a lot of my grief has come from not honoring myself along the way, and live a life I won't have to grieve in ten years.