it’s important to bear in mind that simon grew up in a male-dominated household.  this household was ruled for years by misogyny & sexism, along with a general disrespect for women.  his father was often observed degrading his wife along with women generally.  he permitted the misuse, shaming and objectification of their bodies and purpose.  simon, physically, is shown to go against this.  he exhibits concern and sympathy for the woman his father overdoses and completely shuns him by the age of eight, instead opting to spend his time with his mother instead.  while tommy follows in his father’s footsteps, scrounging off of others and using their sisters, cousins etc for sex.  there’s a total disconnect between simon and his brother, physically, when it comes to women.  but psychologically and verbally, he’s been shown to exhibit abusive, harmful and derogatory terms and have negative thoughts / feelings towards them.  in fact, even pre-roba, it comes somewhat naturally to him, typically seen when he’s in a heightened emotional state ( angry, aggressive, defensive. )

it’s important to bear in mind because when he was taken as a hostage by roba and tortured, it’s a negative trait that’s already vulnerable.  simon likely feels some resentment towards his mother, due to her naivety and passiveness in the face of protecting her son from trauma.  she is often revealed to be on the side-lines of his abuse, not partaking but not actively stopping it.  there are arguments that occur before a traumatic event between his mother and father, where she’s shown to be attempting to discourage his dad from triggering the event but doesn’t ever actually do enough to stop him.  she is shown to even excuse being beaten by tommy.  it’s entirely possible that this, along with his general upbringing, had a heavy impact on deeply rooted misogyny.   meaning simon doesn’t intentionally behave this way, or believe what he thinks.  if every man you ever met put you in harms way or had a part in your trauma, your mind would, without question and often wholly subconsciously, associate the gender with negativity and trauma.  if you only experience negative things with dogs, perhaps you’ll become scared of dogs and seek that they stay away from you - something you might go to any lengths to ensure.  it works the same with most things, human or not.

this is where an important twist comes into the mix, because while pre-roba simon was prejudice and misogynistic, it was born from drip-fed indoctrination as well as an association to  “ women won’t help me, so why should i help them? ”  but when simon was taken hostage by roba for those nine months, he was exposed to a high intensity series of varying sexual assaults  -  some random and unplanned by a man in his cell, but the majority by women working with / for roba.  the task was obvious.  pick between a skull, representing simon’s mother, or pilar - a woman who would reward him for his choice with sexual acts.  simon had chosen the skull, and thus his punishment was a large hook through his ribcage which was then used to hang and suspend him in the air with no other support.  lesson learned.  next time, he chose pilar.

would dissociate himself from the experience, humiliation and self-disgust compartmentalized until it was over.  his body would naturally respond to the actions but without consent, the concept of pleasure swiftly became unreachable, the waters muddied.  he felt guilty that his body reacted the way it did.  felt mortified by the men who watched.  felt disgusted that he didn’t have control over his body, blamed himself - that he allowed himself to be taken advantage of.  but then, anything was better than that hook.  most mornings started like that  —  you like this!  roba would tell him.  did he?  well, you get told something enough, you start to believe it, especially when you’re not in the right mind to make your own decisions, to form your own opinions.  so, he liked it.  like roba said, he made it good for him.  this was what good felt like, now.  shame, guilt, disgust, blame, embarrassment, bile in the back of his throat, an orgasm chased with absolutely no fucking desire or want to fuel the fire.  if this was what good felt like, it was vile.  if feeling violated and used felt good, then he must’ve been thoroughly enjoying the experience.

pilar’s hands were soft, her voice honeyed and playful.  there was always an airiness about her, like she’d float up into the sky at any given moment from the lack of anything holding her down.  a mindless drone, she would work him into a spectral trance whilst giggling the entire way through it.  ha ha ha.  you would think trauma like that would bring you closer to someone.  that he was grateful she was at least gentle and good at what she did.  but simon came to anticipate soft as rough, gentle as violent.  he longed for pilar to one day stab him, bite him, snap his goddamned dick in half if that was what it took!  if this was the be-all for pleasure, he didn’t want it.  would rather have sandpaper rubbing him raw, down to the very bone.  would rather have nails clawing through his flesh.  would rather be shot in the gut once more and relive those fucking forceps dragging through gore and muscle over and over than ever experience pleasure again.

in between his dazes, his total evacuation from his body, the separation of his very self, was the derogatory and disrespectful words roba spat at pilar.  when she couldn’t garner a rise out of simon anymore, when she was failing.  when simon had grown entirely distant and had overcome the experience.  when he would completely shut down.  he would sit and watch her be beaten, dragged away for something worse later on.  belittled and degraded, just as his father would do to his mother.  but at no point did whatever remained within him feel sorry for her.  in fact, each day roba tore into her, anger and hatred festered in his being.  towards her.  the desire that never came from her touch instead bloomed at the thought of harming her.  of partaking in the beatings.  of producing biting words that crush her fucking soul just so that he might feel a sliver of power, of control.  and that’s what it came down to.  that, he decided, was how he would surpass them  —  these women who dared to underestimate him.  they would all suffer and he would enjoy every second of it.

the first decision was that women couldn’t be trusted.  just as his mother had, they would all stand by and watch.  allow him to have his power and dignity stripped from him.  what started with bitter sneers and under the breath comments became the want to grab her by the hair and smash her face into his chair.  to break her jaw, to wrap his hands around her throat and squeeze, to crush every bone in her tiny body.  let’s see what those hips can do when they’re fucking shattered.  naturally, as the torture progressed, the women became less present and pain was brought back in full swing.  he loved it.  favoured the agony, embraced it, welcomed it as a friend.  even as he padded through the scorching desert, dehydrated with searing blisters coating his feet, he yearned for no one to be soft with him ever again.

once free from mexico and returned to the uk, simon faced four months of nightmares, delusions and intense emotions.  in the outside world, he was distant, removed and an empty void, but inside he was an erupting volcano.  a mess of rage, hatred and fury.  his self-loathing and disgust was turned on others, his feelings of powerlessness and lack of control were harnessed and utilized in his dreams where he would hurt women, emotionally and sometimes even physically.  would say the most awful, troubling things and would take great satisfaction in the responses and reactions  —  even if they were only imaginary.  but the reality was, he stopped trusting women.  stopped relying on them.  he grew distant from his mother and avoided women out in public.  his guilt and shame were enough to keep him from behaving in such ways outside of his head but the urge had always been there.  one wrong word, one wrong touch, one accidental nudge or bump and he’d act before he could blink.  before he could register what was happening.

in those four months, he worked hard to compartmentalize it.  to packet it away, never to be reassessed or reopened.  until, after the four months, he was requested to speak with the psychiatrist and be cleared by them for duty.  she was not so keen to overlook his weaknesses and difficulties for a quick pass.  his trauma-born misogyny reared its ugly head through raised voices and fists slammed violently on her desk.  it triggered an epiphany and he began assessing his behaviour.  isolated the truth that he didn’t want to do what he did or want to think what he thought, but was doing so in order to regain power when otherwise feeling vulnerable and fragile.  a defence mechanism.  he developed the ability to identify the difference between intrusive thoughts and genuine intentions.  recognized that what he thought and what he wanted weren’t the same.  observed his mother and his brother’s wife, beth; spent time around them to better understand the foundation of his feelings.  the triggers.

after he loses his family and fakes his suicide, simon is faced with an agonising truth.  that roba had in fact brainwashed him, perhaps in the worst way.  by turning him against those who only wish to help him.  by fusing pain and pleasure so that he may never enjoy something again.  by turning him into what he’d sacrificed everything not to become.  an epiphany that prompted change, a sense of responsibility.  he would harness who he was and refine it.  adapt and perfect ‘til he became what his enemies feared, rather than what he feared.  the most important thing he came to understand was that, alone in a world where everyone thought of him as an unhinged villain, a terrible threat, simon riley was his only friend.  and simon riley was not roba.  thus, he would dust himself off as he always did, and work to peel away every dreadful, filthy layer of roba that imprisoned his newfound ‘corpse’.

hypersexuality: a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder.  typically involves an addiction to s*x in some form. revolves around an obsessive fixation on s*x, s*xual acts or s*xual fantasies. these can be casual, inappropriate or violent. tends to be severe and disruptive in an individual’s daily functioning and can be very traumatic for the one experiencing these thoughts. it is not the same as someone having a high s*x drive. consequences of this disorder can lead to intense feelings of shame or guilt, increased risk of contracting stds, increased risk of drugs / alcohol use, legal repercussions if lack of impulse control is present, comorbid mental health conditions (depression, anxiety among others), relationship strains, difficulty at work & suicidal ideation being the most prominent.

growing up, simon was unfortunately exposed to copious amounts of s*xual / p*rnographic material, largely due to his father’s negligence. he might’ve stumbled across a video left lying around, a magazine or explicit posters. sometimes he’d even hear details straight from his father’s mouth, inappropriate information blurted and blasted carelessly. despite his mother attempting to ensure a safe environment for simon and his younger brother, she was often unsuccessful. it was accessible on tv, on the streets and simon’s young mind wasn’t developed enough to be exposed to it, though it happened nevertheless.

at eight years old, he was dragged to a late night concert in manchester by his father, insisting he was overdue on becoming a man. at this concert, simon was exposed to s*xual language and s*xual acts, with people at the concert not shy or reserved about publicly coming on to one another amid the crowd and lingering around the edges. his father exposed him to derogatory terms for women and also left him alone and unsheltered within the concert meaning he could’ve been exposed to countless things. simon would come to find himself overindulging in s*xual content he didn’t understand, but he wasn’t able to stop himself.

he would be made to feel embarrassed or shamed if caught out by family and his father routinely berated him for his lack of knowledge on the subject - should he ever ask questions out of curiosity or for clarity. it led to him bottling it up, keeping it all to himself and indulging in private. no one could know, otherwise they’d mock and bully him, or he’d be met with his mother’s disappointed and disturbed expression and tone. he learned quickly what questions weren’t acceptable to ask so he found his answers elsewhere, further exposing himself to harmful content.

as simon aged, he would come to develop intrusive thoughts. ones that involved both things happening to himself and him doing things to others. he struggled immensely to respect women, primarily envisioning violent and derogatory thoughts towards them. despite cutting off all interaction with his father when he was eight, the eight years he had spent alongside his father certainly left their mark. he had difficulty seeing his mother as a form of authority and for a short period of time showed her no respect. it wasn’t until he made his mother cry that he realised he didn’t like who he was becoming, hated that his father had tainted him. simon promised himself to get better, to keep distracted and not give in to the intrusive thoughts.

he would get by, forming a better relationship with his mother and promising to step up as a responsible ‘man of the house’ since his father had been kicked out. he focused on earning money to help out, always keeping busy and invested in positive things. if the urge arose, he did something else. when the opportunity arose for him to join the military, he naturally didn’t hesitate. it would mean a support system, countless distractions and upon joining he would meet many other men who struggled with much of what he did. it also led to isolation in many ways, the men that he could relate to giving in to their urges and engaging with s*x while he tried to keep away from it. he did well, for a few years. earned a highly respected reputation among his fellow soldiers and even found himself rising through the ranks. it would lead to him signing up for special forces selection, passing and earning his place within the special air service. from this point onwards, he dedicated all his time to his work. he wasn’t prepared to let himself slip, to mess things up for himself.

when a mission goes wrong and he’s taken hostage in mexico by manuel roba, for some months simon is exposed to a similar environment in which he grew up in. men talking down to women, derogatory terms thrown around, scantily clad women submitting to violent men… and then he suffered a prolonged series of s*xual assaults, of being touched without consent and repeatedly r*ped by women ( and once, a man ) he didn’t know. this impacted simon to the core, trauma that he would go on to take with him for years post-escape. he would come to loathe women, specifically in his dreams and in his intrusive thoughts, where he imagined grave violence and longed to bring them devastating harm. something that really troubled him, as he’d come to develop a healthy and happy relationship with his mother and heavily respected her. but his perception was clouded, tampered with. like roba himself was sharing the space within his skull.

simon’s struggle with hypersexuality became very real, very intense and very problematic. he would seek partners out to quell his urges, often becoming frustrated and abandoning things mid-way. his disgust and shame turned inwards, wholly believing he was a sick individual, that there was something awfully wrong with him. s*x invaded his dreams, his sleep, his silence, his safety. it invaded the majority of his thoughts and tried to control his conversations. after the death of his family, simon once again promised himself control. stability, focus - when his family was massacred it allowed him to apply his energy into something else. that drive was harnessed into finding and killing roba.

post-roba’s death and his re-joining of the military as ghost, with the record wiped clean and with simon riley officially deceased, simon set a bar for himself. set heavy expectations and demanded that he stick to them. kept busy and focused. over time, simon was able to regain control of himself and his urges, could begin to rely on himself and trust himself once more. with the support of ghost, he was able to reframe his perspective of simon riley and make a point of appreciating the positives of him. noticing the good qualities and above all else, develop a sense of respect for himself. simon would never heal from his trauma, would never truly recover from his past, but he would come to understand that there was no way to fix him because he was well beyond broken, and made peace with that fact. being all dead had its privileges, after all.

this information is integral to my portrayal. simon is not healed and he isn’t okay. he’s broken and he’s fucked up. he has so many issues and his perception of reality is deeply warped. this is something he has accepted. the dead can’t be fixed and he’s made peace with that. he’s compartmentalised everything he’s been through and moved on, because he’s had to. he had no other choice. he never fully resolved his issue with women but compartmentalised it so if he has to work with women it doesn’t get in the way. but it’s always there, shut away within a space in his brain. that’s the tragedy of simon. he is the perfect soldier who does as he’s told and he does it well. everything else just sits on the side-line. it’s why he’s often deemed quiet and why most of his dialogue is mission-centred. during the mission 'alone’, we get a glimpse into simon’s more natural, dark dialogue. he uses humour as a defence mechanism. he normalises death and violence. it’s not the threat to life or fear that makes him do this, somewhat unlike soap who uses his own to help him through the moment. simon riley is a deeply disturbed individual and if those in his life who think highly of him knew what goes through his brain, it’d likely bring that reputation into question.

see headcanon 18 for further analysis on this.

— information.

delusional misidentification syndrome ( dms ) is the umbrella term for a collection of delusions involving the misidentification of a person, object, body part, place or the individual experiencing delusions themselves. these are associated with neurological trauma, dissociation, schizo-type and psychosis-related disorders.

cotard's delusion relates to the misidentification of the self. it's the belief that one's body or a part of one's body ( can include soul, organs, blood, body overall etc ) is dead, dying or lacking — these delusions are referred to as nihilistic delusions. it can also include the belief that one is immortal or that they don't exist at all. seen in many disorders, though usually in those with psychotic disorders, cotard's delusion can be experienced alongside head trauma, epilepsy, dementia and other physical afflictions. the delusion itself is often experienced as an unshakeable belief that can't be changed.

while it's possible for the sufferer to, similar with other delusions, recognise that reality and the delusion are both real in their own ways, enabling them to accept the delusion as just that, this doesn't mean they can stop believing it in its entirety. it's not uncommon for those experiencing the delusion to perceive themselves as undead and thus prefer not to be referred to as living.

cotard's symptoms are known to come in three forms, with the first exhibiting depressive behaviours with prominent melancholia and few nihilistic delusions. cotard type 1 is the second, with delusions more prominent over depression, and cotard type 2, the third form, identifies a mix of anxiety, depression as well as auditory hallucinations.

— how cotard's syndrome relates to simon.

after simon's time as a hostage in mexico, the betrayal and the loss of his family, he describes himself as having been half-dead for more than twenty years and now that he's all-dead, he's feeling much better for it. across the various media he features in, simon is renowned for saying things like "you can't kill me," "can't kill a ghost" and "death is the reward" as well as various occasions where he survives outcomes that certainly should've killed him or would've killed anyone else.

he's known to have supposedly, according to himself, survived approx. thirteen hours underground - having been buried alive alongside a maggot-infested corpse, which is physically impossible for the average human to survive regarding oxygen levels. simon has survived countless near-death experiences, bullets and explosions. and he doesn't believe in luck.

from simon's perspective, he believes that mexico was his final resting place. that simon riley died in coahuila. his compartmentalisation and depersonalisation allowed him to continue on for the months he'd returned home, with his delusions still in the "germination" phase, but the death of his family is what prompts his 'final form'. the burning of his tags, his family home and all other evidence is described by him as "a funeral pyre" as opposed to a cleansing, and he announces this as the total end of simon riley and how all that remains is a ghost. he views his family home as the location of where he was cremated, that sparks's ( the individual he'd swapped tags with ) body acted on behalf of his own for the body of simon remains in that grave in mexico and it's only his ghost that has remained - seeking finality.

after everything, he believed that, unlike others who departed to the next place once deceased, he could not die a natural death and that burning his body was the only way to avoid eternal existence for simon riley. with the body burned, he was freed from his form to haunt, though still tied to earth's planes. because of this, simon believes he has died. this is his delusion. unlike some with cotard's syndrome, he doesn't view himself as a corpse because he is instead a spirit.

in hand with this delusion comes the unshakeable belief that he is immortal, unbound and limitless. however, post-mexico he certainly struggled with feelings of rotting and decaying, as though his body was decomposing with every second despite seemingly living and breathing. the complexity lies in him seeing his soul as separated from his body, but still physically aware of the rot and the sensations that follow it. immense confusion accompanied his delusional reality, due to chronic pain being such an extreme outcome from his torture.

believing himself to be dead but experiencing intense and unexplained pain led simon deeper into a delusional state. the sensation of a pulse equally disturbing and enhancing his thoughts. simon believed that the presence of a pulse and pain in a dead body could mean one thing alone — that he must not be like everyone else, because everyone else has a pulse and are living, when he isn't. so how could he have a pulse? unable to think on it for too long or to explain it, simon came to perceive himself as unique to others. unlike anyone else. this is a delusion that strongly continued into his ghostly timeline, unable to comprehend how a spirit could feel pain and possess a pulse.

due to the lack of a body, in his delusional reality, it makes sense to him that he is now limitless, as aforementioned. not bound to a body or limitations, physical restrictions etc, simon's belief system on what his body can and can't achieve is greatly distorted in comparison to someone else at his age. like all delusions, as discussed in the information section, they are capable of coming and going to some extent but are typically always present in some way. never totally gone, simon is capable of recognising and identifying his delusions for what they are, but isn't able to entirely ignore or move on from them.

some days they're more intensive and impactful that others and sometimes they're less. often, a traumatic or dangerous event where the outcome was near or certain death but was nevertheless survived can trigger or worsen his delusions. while not professionally diagnosed, simon exhibits symptoms that correlate with cotard type 1, wherein he is prone to nihilistic delusions and that are more prominent than the depression. this is not to say he doesn't suffer from depressive episodes due to his delusions.

— what simon experiences.

within his depression and nihilistic delusions comes various difficulties and experiences. it should be mentioned that simon has faced cotard's symptoms for over a decade now, and is therefore well adjusted to them and has found his own way to make peace / co-exist with them. his delusions are not as troubling to him as they once were. that being said, much of this acceptance has required devoted and sincere routine-keeping and management.

some common daily difficulties of cotard's delusion can include:

• struggles with eating and drinking / making sense of doing it.

• maintaining hygiene ( showering / bathing, cleaning, dental care, toileting etc. )

• socialisation.

• performing every day tasks.

• the experiencing of hallucinations or hearing voices that are capable of influencing delusions - often comorbid with schizo-type and psychosis-related disorders.
  
  

headcanons ( 03  &  05 ) on the headcanon page relate to simon's physical appearance and hygiene. it's important to note that simon prioritises ghost's persona over anything else. while originally, post-mexico, simon in fact struggled with showering too much due to worrying the smell of death was noticeable on him, after the burning of his home he became more focused on his upkeep to garner respect for ghost as a persona. he came to understand himself as unique to others, as a spirit inhabiting a vessel. inhabiting is an important term, due to simon believing he is no longer captive or restrained to a human form. his current form enables him to fit in, to coexist and be seen and to be able to interact with the physical world. ghosts cannot do this, so this is how he makes sense of his living body.

his current vessel is a necessity for ghost to thrive. there are examples that back-up this logic throughout the rebooted game series, where ghost is revealed to have taken on enemies despite being outnumbered and outgunned and still overcoming them without injury. he's also been shown to have navigated stealthily through locations occupied by the enemy without having alerted them or with him successfully remaining under the radar.

while he does have to remind himself to partake in everyday activities, such as sleeping, waking up, socialising, completing daily tasks etc ( and is in the routine of doing so ), there's also a part of him the recognises and understands that nutrition and hydration etc are integral to obtain the fullest benefit and total cooperation from his vessel.

while it's common for individuals experiencing cotard's to also struggle to accept and be comfortable with their condition, sometimes wishing to be without it, simon is in fact emotionally attached to his delusion. he is dependent on it, feels protected by it and relies on it to feel stability. after losing his family, simon sought solace within graveyards, finding it was the closest to death he could get. however, through this process he came to understand that he didn't perceive himself as death — not anymore. once having been quoted saying "my name to you is death," having now taken on the persona of ghost, he perceives himself as having already died and separated from body, rather than as a corpse.

it's unclear where azrael originates from — the name itself originates from hebrew, meaning 'help from god.' it's believed that, throughout time, the jewish folklore surrounding this legend bled into islam, as well as other religions, encouraging a variety of representations and perceptions among both religious and non-religious individuals, even inspiring much of the lore and aesthetic behind the popular 'grim reaper' concept. in islam, archangel azrael is believed to be an angel of death.

assisting living people to navigate changes in their lives, he is suggested to be the angel of transformation and thus helps the dying make the transition from earth to heaven, comforting those left behind to grieve the death. despite islamic tradition depicting him as the angel of death, the qur'an itself refers to him by his role 'malak al-maut', which means angel of death — rather than the use of azrael. the qur'an describes how malak al-maut doesn't know when specifically individuals will die, and that it's only when god reveals that information to him, and with god's command, he separates the soul from the body and returns it to god.

in islamic mythology, azrael was the only angel brave enough to face the devil, on earth, when god needed an angel to gain the materials necessary to create mankind. in reward, for his bravery and service, god made azrael the angel of death, with azrael receiving a full register of mankind, along with the ability to recognise the blessed and the damned. it is also seen in islamic tradition for azrael to be described as completely covered in eyes and tongues, with the specific number subject to change — reflecting the number of people currently alive on earth.

in art, it isn't uncommon for azrael to be shown wielding a sword or scythe or donning a hood, as these symbols represent his role as the angel of death. again, this is reminiscent of the popular culture of the grim reaper. it's implied in various sources that azrael, in his truest form, drives even lowly angels and demons to madness, for he is grotesque and horrifying — but for the blessed, he will appear as a far more pleasant, warming visage.

outside of islam, some jewish mystics consider azrael to be a fallen angel — or demon, believing he is the embodiment of evil. while, in the bible, there are no references to a specific angel of death, the concept of 'malakh ha-mavet ( angel of death in hebrew ) is frequently found in rabbinic literature and jewish folklore. jewish philosopher, maimonides, quotes the talmud ( primary judaism text ) that satan, the evil inclination, and the angel of death are one and the same. interestingly, in yiddish slang, a man with destructive tendencies or an individual always found to be running down others is called an angel of death.

while many perceive archangels as angels of light, and that they intend to help you become your best self, it's important to remember that in much of folklore as well as religion, archangels do not take into account what one might lose along the way. thus, requesting good things from them should be phrased very carefully, as the wish to obtain more money might just come with the death of a loved one.

azrael himself is told to be a stern, cold and stoic angel. however, he is not cruel. an honourable, just and fair being, he gives the souls of the righteous a swift and painless death and the souls of sinners a painful and slow one. it's important to note that, more often than not, this is according to god's will rather than for his own benefit. capable of sympathy, azrael also would comfort the souls of the righteous if they were frightened.

the creation of azrael, in islamic mythology, where he braves the devil's influence in order to collect materials for god and is then bestowed the title of angel of death as a reward, is highly comparable to simon riley's rebirth as ghost. in simon's timeline, it can be noted that the birth of ghost is essentially what helps him escape his grave — which simon suggests is where he fully died. it would also make sense, as he was underground for approximately thirteen hours, which is an impossible amount of time for a human to be without an oxygen supply. due to riley's braving of the events of his torture, like azrael braved the devil, he was rewarded with ghost for his efforts.

the combined and varying perspectives of azrael as a good / evil force, his morals and intentions as well as the general myths of him in themselves all revolve around the one telling and / or perceiving the story. the damned might tell biased tales in comparison to the blessed, and the blessed vice versa. the angel of death himself is depicted as the angel of transformation, and so potentially might be subject to change with the intention to deceive man. as for ghost, it's mentioned in his lore that those around him, be it allies or enemies, contribute to his very own surrounding myth / legend. enemies that might've heard of him will likely view him as a devil-esque harbinger of death, while those who believe him to be good might perceive him as a saviour, a hero, a guardian angel of sorts. due to these varying perspectives, it's not inconceivable that rumours spread about ghost's morality largely depend on the blessed and the damned.

the myth of azrael's appearance is also relevant here, as this can adapt too depending on the one perceiving him. it's likely the concept of 'the grim reaper' stands in place of azrael in much of western religion and media, due to a hooded figure with a scythe being easier on the eyes than azrael's supposed ungodly visage. a separate meta will discuss the relevance of mythology / legends and ghost's design choices, however i will note here that the concept of the mask and the full body robe or cloak might play into the concept that what's underneath, or what's being hidden is too cosmic to comprehend or too disturbing to the human eye. in the unknown and uncertainty, thrives the myth. that being said, allies / the blessed might not perceive him in such a negative and damning light, with his presence only guaranteeing an eventually promising transformation.

the angel of transformation in itself is an extremely relevant topic and concept to ghost. it should be noted that mwii begins with ghost leading the assassination of general ghorbrani and thus, because of his positive identification, the events of the story unfold. he is also responsible for the death of hassan, ghorbrani's major, bringing the story full-circle, which is an entire transformation. equally, ghost is involved in the transformation between life and death for many, including his own family. he sacrificed his reputation and identity for them to undergo the transition of body to ash. this leans into a meta that i will get to writing regarding simon's connection to greek mythology — specifically the phoenix and it's journey of rising from the ashes.

there is no evidence, other than of religious texts and folklore, that azrael isn't something akin to a fallen angel. and considering an archangel's tendency to exhibit uncaring, unconcerned characteristics, it's quite possible they aren't motivated by neither good nor bad, but responsibility. this matches with ghost's disconnection with the world around him, be it civilians, teammates or enemies. they are all small cogs that turn a large wheel and he is simply overlooking all of them.

he isn't guided or driven by morals or love, empathy or loyalty. he is driven by responsibility, objective — to get the job done. this could easily be misconstrued as demonic in nature, or 'evil', as are most things not defined by empathy and affection. ghost defies this logic however, by not being cruel or wicked, unless his objective calls for such. he is honourable, he is just, and he is fair — by maintaining professionalism, not straying from what's expected of him, remaining on task and by always exerting the correct amount of force required for any situation.

ghost is a force and a weapon, entirely managed and handled by a higher power. to the damned, he is evil, with devilish morals and intentions, and to the blessed, he is a hero, knight-like in the way he protects and comforts the weak and vulnerable. and to the middle-man, to the non-believer, he is merely a broken man, stuck in a vicious cycle of tragedy. 

during his time as a hostage in mexico, simon suffered various forms of torture in an attempt to brainwash him into acting on manuel roba’s behalf. one of these involved, effectively, a sweat box - a method of torture that incorporates a small, cramped box often in heated conditions to trigger dehydration and heat exhaustion. it’s no secret roba possessed an effective team with medical knowledge and / or potentially training, meaning after-effects and consequences of some tortures could be remedied - such as dehydration from the sweatbox being resolved by the correct medicines and drips.

alongside the heat, simon was exposed to numerous red claw scorpions which would be strategically placed into the box with him after prolonged exposure to heat and isolation. in the beginning, he would be routinely pinched by them, leaving small sores across his bare legs, arms, feet and hands. due to them being an aggressive species, any movement or possible threat would cause him to be stung, meaning simon was exposed to significant levels of scorpion venom. symptoms of a sting can include pain, which can be intense, tingling and numbness, some swelling and warmth. due to the venom containing a complex mix of neurotoxins that affect the nervous system, simon would go on to suffer inflammation of the skin at the site of the stings, agitation, an increased heart rate, pain and nausea after being stung various times.

he would quickly come to learn that minimal movement meant less stings, but that in itself came with its own consequences. between the pain of his already-acquired injuries and the agony of not moving / often maintaining stress positions, it made it very difficult to remain still, not to mention the sleep deprivation that came with maintaining absolute inactivity. he still suffers from chronic symptoms of having to do this. isolation and sensory deprivation equally took a toll on him. it became difficult for him to find the energy to stand or sit, to sleep or be awake and with nothing to interact with but the scorpions around him and the darkness, save for the slot of light coming through where the scorpions were tossed in, he easily felt locked in, alone and filthy in his tiny cell, breathing air that felt rotten and stale. the goal of this deprivation was to make simon more suggestible, attempting to trigger an attitude change and essentially prompt indoctrination. roba wanted to control his thoughts and reduce him to nothing but a mindless drone.

inevitably, simon grew hungry at times, often starved just enough to maintain energy for the torture but not fed enough to remain healthy, fit and stable. there were a few occasions where he dared to try and eat some of the scorpions, killing them with his bare hands or feet and tearing off the tail, he’d consume what he could. uncooked and horrendously bitter, there were a handful of attempts that led him to emptying his already empty stomach into the box with him. one time, it got him very sick and he required immediate medical attention. despite this, simon knew scorpions were high in protein and fat and were a good source of vitamins and minerals, meaning one bad turn didn’t stop him from trying again.

another method of torture was a series of rooms, each room possessing its own purpose. there were four rooms, only one of which he clearly remembers - an entirely blackened room with a single, blinking red light in the ceiling. he also made it as far as the fourth room, where pleasant lights and sounds were played accompanied by positive visuals, the use of drugs enhancing the experience. he doesn’t recall this and the scars from presumably the needles have been covered by his tattoos. with the red-light room’s purpose being to drive another to the brink of insanity, simon was able to overcome this challenge. by this point, he’d learned to emotionally disconnected himself, and with experience from his childhood of withstanding unbearable conditions it’s likely roba had him skip room three in an attempt to try something different.

a third method of torture, which only occurred once, was to suspend him from a giant hook in the air by the left side of his ribcage. this wound would become infected, forcing him into rigorous recovery with roba’s medical staff. he would come to suffer from chronic pain with this, the memory of the pain carrying on for years after the injury happened. it’s noticeable that ghost positions himself outside of groups and maintains his distance from gatherings of people - both military and civvie, as he obtained trauma from having roba and his men surround and watch him while he hung.

he would also be forced to fight fellow comrades that were also taken hostage and was pressured by roba to kill them. in order to impress roba, to avoid further torture where he could, he’d picture his teammates as his father or enemies and wouldn’t hold back. then, when told to end it, he’d refer to a positive memory - such as his brother’s wedding, to bring himself down. his efforts would eventually push him onto the next method of torture, as roba wasn’t prepared to wait until simon cracked and killed.

post-escape and during his recovery, simon faces a significant number of difficulties. at the time, he suffers a degree of cognitive impairment, meaning he struggled with his memory, tended to miss appointments and social events, continuously lost his train of thought, found it hard to follow conversations or movie / book plots and couldn’t finish tasks or follow instructions. while these did largely recover overall, he does still struggle to hold and follow conversations and is prone to memory issues. originally, he faced auditory and visual hallucinations which also have majorly improved but can still be experienced under extreme stress, pressure or situations mimicking those of his torment.

simon’s certainly more suggestible than he was, relatively comfortable with seeing orders through regardless of the emotional turmoil doing so might create. that being said, he leans towards asking questions and heavily observes the reactions of those around him / those he trusts to define somewhat of a moral standing himself. in order to prevent appearing as unstable as he is, simon ensures to keep to himself and rarely expresses his opinions, as his trauma has played a role in the instability of his belief system and general attitude. he maintained his loyalty while held hostage however, by refusing to kill his teammates, and has since held strict expectations and boundaries for himself when it came to more current teammates. he’s more well-versed in his limits than the majority, in that regard.

additionally, he battled with lethargy post-escape and somewhat developed a short-lived phobia of movement. having spent much of his time as a hostage forced to remain compliant and still, simon anticipated pain and punishment should he give in to the restlessness within him. it prompted him to reduce any stimulation-seeking behaviour, from stimulating taste to sound to visual. he ate bland foods, kept his place of rest simple and free of luxury (typically on the floor, which was where he was forced to sleep as a hostage), washed via the sink (as the shower was too much for him) and even stopped watching tv altogether. it’s undeniable that simon experienced symptoms of depersonalisation, a detachment of one’s self and thoughts, as though perceiving himself from outside of his own body.

among his physical and chronic pain, he also suffered substantial mental and emotional damage, though this was well hidden due to his expert compartmentalisation. the excessive use of maintaining stressful positions to evade scorpion stings lead to permanent nerve damage in his left hip and right shoulder and between the stings and forced fist-fights, he sustained nerve damage to his left pinky finger. he has to routinely exercise and stretch in order to keep away chronic pain and restriction in his movement. that being said, the sweat box enabled him to perfect absolute stillness, making him a highly effective sniper - so long as he’s not required to chase someone after.

due to having withstood countless infections from untreated wounds and dirty tools / weapons, simon underwent various treatments and was overseen during these periods by a female nurse. she would try and build a rapport with him, discuss his past and engage him, manipulating him post-prolonged isolation and then once he’d recovered he’d be thrown right back into the torture. because of this, simon holds a strong resentment towards female medical providers. it’s something he’s compartmentalised for the most part, but would be liable to come up in the field re: treatment for himself or someone he cares for via a female medic or nurse.

regardless of what he’s able to remember, simon carries immense physical and mental trauma from his time as roba’s hostage. it’s no secret however, that simon impressively withstood the vast majority of this torture - leading to roba impulsively skipping some methods and in the end, cutting the torture short completely. it’s undeniably this, what with roba being a highly impatient individual, that kept simon physically alive and allowed him to escape mexico.

metas discussing his s*xual-related torture.

• meta  01.

• meta  02.

after his escape from the zaragoza cartel, having dug his way out of being buried alive, simon was left with no other option than to flee through the vast desert coahuila presented him with. his journey began in july and ended towards the end of august, spanning across some of mexico's hottest summer months. coahuila's desert terrains vary, but what simon faced was rocky and immensely arid with low vegetation consisting of thorny plants, such as cacti, and arid-adapted creatures like the rattlesnake.

due to the environment, the temperature of the desert between day and night significantly varied, easily capable of hitting up to 37C ( 100F ) and dropping into the mid 10Cs or below ( in the 60F mark ) during the night. with coahuila obtaining most of its rain during the summer months, albeit not much, it meant that the present vegetation at the time had been thriving. however, with extreme temperatures and environments comes extreme weather, with monsoonal thunderstorms being common in the desert.

it should be noted that, prior to his escape, simon was already suffering from nine straight months of torture and still recovering from recent wounds as well as having exhausted himself from digging out of his grave and was likely already victim to heatstroke, delirium and dehydration - not forgetting he'd been buried alongside a decomposing, rotting and maggot-infested former teammate. he did not enter this situation in a healthy or prepared state of mind or body. simon, at the time, was a highly trained and experienced special forces operator though, and had been exposed to complex, dangerous and demanding climates prior, but nothing like what he'd just been through. he was also only twenty-four years old at the time.

generally, during his time in the desert, simon endured various wounds and injuries, on top of what he was already bearing. this includes deep tissue wounds, also known as cellulitis — a common skin infection that is caused by bacteria, affecting the middle layer of the skin as well as the tissues below, sometimes even affecting the muscle below the skin too. he would've become susceptible to these infections by both insect bites / stings and the friction of the sand / grit creating open sores, which then allow bacteria in. fevers with chills and sweating, fatigue, pain or tenderness in the affected area, skin redness or inflammation and nausea / vomiting are among the potential symptoms. terrible skin ulcers can form from these wounds, and this happened with some of simon's.

soreness was also a problem for him, with rashes breaking out across his skin due to the sand, heat and insects. unfortunately buried barefoot and unable to source footwear, he was also forced to walk excessively on hot sand for lengthy periods, causing painful blistering to the soles of his feet and sores between his toes. with the heat, his lips became cracked and sore with some sections of skin on his face and more vulnerable areas of exposed skin even peeling. without much cover, he also experienced some severe cases of sunburn and had to consistently battle dehydration.

it might be difficult to imagine how one could survive under these circumstances for approximately a month. impossible, even. but without a doubt, simon's delirium pulled him through much of it. having already suffered high levels of prolonged trauma, he'd emotionally disconnected from his situation. with returning to his family at the forefront of his mind, his survival instincts took over and drove him onwards. simon experienced hyperactive delirium, which is a mental state that leads to confusion, disorientation and makes it difficult to remember or think clearly. he became more alert, highly confused, experienced disorganised thinking and his sleeping patterns were disrupted. along with this, he also showed intense emotional changes and was prone to hallucinations and delusions. communicating with and humouring himself have always been coping mechanisms for simon and were integral to his survival, and even after all this time these behaviours can still be seen in him now and again.

his time spent in the desert was broken up into pieces by locals of coahuila he came across who agreed to help him, by offering food or water, useful resources — though no one but a family of two, liam and zita, were prepared to offer shelter and comfort to him out of fear of the cartel. simon isn't able to remember how many had helped him and sent him on his way before liam, but when simon was found he'd collapsed in the desert and was unconscious for a number of days before finding himself in a home with his wounds treated and covered. eventually, he went on to leave them too, not wanting to bring them trouble for their efforts. outside of the help from locals, simon quickly became a master of his environment.

utilising the varying rocks scattered across the terrain, he discovered how to harvest cacti for water — opuntia specifically, otherwise known as the prickly pear cactus, which he also came to find was edible in small amounts, among the various other cacti he'd tried, and learned the hard way, that were less edible. resources from locals meant acquiring a bottle that, once emptied, could be refilled by the opuntia liquid. rarely did it rain but when it did, he ensured to catch the rainwater for consumption also. it should be mentioned that, due to his initial dehydration, he didn't consider drinking his own urine — knowing full well it'd likely introduce more bacteria and toxins into his system than do any good.

while deserts are renowned for being forsaken, uninhabited places, this isn't necessarily true. many differing creatures inhabit deserts, and this was also true of coahuila. the potential for food was abundant, between rattlesnakes, shrews, prairie dogs, birds and even beetles, animals carried out their daily routine around him. that being said, simon initially possessed no tools except for his surroundings to catch, cut up and cook the native wildlife, and everything but him was exceptionally fast.

at first, with next to no knowledge of coahuila's flora and what was / wasn't safe to consume, his method was very much the tried and tested 'take a guess.' common sense could only get him so far, with some fruit looking edible but making him unwell. he'd come to find the fruit of the mexican hawthorn, located within the more mountainous areas of the desert, to be safe. unable to carry much, he'd take what wouldn't weigh him down and would continue forwards, following his feet. simon would have to rely on his smarts to catch food, such as feigning death to lure in birds of prey. a quick snap of the neck and he'd have meat, though how long it'd last him depended on how much he could carry.

finding refuge within caves, simon ensured to collect the necessary supplies to build and ignite a small fire, enabling him to cook the majority of meat caught. outside of birds, he managed to kill a few shrews and prairie dogs with thrown rocks and even, after acquiring a knife from a local, caught and skinned a rattlesnake. it's safe to say simon has some serious experience and acquired impressive skills in survival.

food, water and injuries weren't always his biggest concern though. in a location heavily dominated by predators and scavengers, many of simon's lonely, cold nights were spent listening to the nearby echo of yapping coyotes and the fear-inducing crackle of insects skittering past his ears and the prickly itch of them passing over skin. he took measures to ensure nothing could sneak up on him when he did manage to fall asleep, by positioning items he'd found around his sleeping locations ( rocks, twigs etc ), to act as a warning when knocked or walked into, in an attempt to avoid being feasted upon in his slumber or his disconnected mental states. as well as predators, changes in weather were also a concern for him, with simon having to find shelter and wait out a brutal monsoon thunderstorm.

originally too frightened that lighting a fire would reveal his position to the cartel, who he was convinced were searching for him, the first handful of nights were spent shivering and shuddering to evade capture. although, his time as a hostage somewhat prepared him for this, with simon often dissociating to the point of total shut down towards a specifically difficult situation. he'd wake covered in bug bites and stings here and there, always having to be hyperaware of scorpions in the sand beneath his bare feet. during the day, he'd find himself stumbling off-course to avoid the occasional wandering black bear or watchful coyote.

it wasn't rare for simon to face delirium inducing times where scavenging birds of prey lingered on branches nearby or in the sky circling him, with them progressing nonchalantly after him in anticipation for his inevitable death. and thus, he was faced with the dooming reality of nature: everything dies and everything is recycled. by this point, he'd been surrounded by death and the threat of it for almost a solid year. his perception of the world, of his future, of himself, of life in general was severely warped. he'd have conversations with no one, people who weren't there and even the animals, talk out-loud incoherently, have vivid and terrifying nightmares, space out for hours in the sun, trip and consider not getting back up and especially struggled with suicidal ideation.

after approximately a month of walking, with a few individuals intervening to help, despite his new skills, knowledge and conquering of his environment, simon reached a place of such immense agony, confusion, disorientation and helplessness that he simply laid down to die in the sand. disturbingly, he remembers in that moment above all else that he'd made a point of breathing shallowly, maintaining absolute silence in hopes the birds or coyotes would come and finish him off. he'd made such peace with being eaten alive, hoping in his last moments he might just feel something. that at least he'd be recycled into the earth and find peace within the grains of sand filling up his lungs. had hallucinated his blood pooling and being soaked up around him. how safe he felt, in the arms of death — he'd never felt more at home... and then, a voice.

one of simon's love languages is acts of service, wherein he'll appreciate another going out of their way to do small things for him — but primarily it can be unique to him in the sense that another actively doing something themselves instead of asking for his help or assistance but equally making a point of either showing him they're doing it or have done it is deemed a love language by him. this is because simon's childhood and early adult life largely revolved around being needed by others, without a choice in the matter. being needed is something he greatly struggles with these days, preferring the company of those who can cope by themselves with perhaps the odd intervention.

the second is quality time. however, his definition of this differs greatly to what's common. typically with simon, he will seek to spend time with those he possesses an emotional attachment to and through this it's relatively easy to recognise who he favours spending time with. especially if he goes out of his way to secure this. an enjoyer of peace and quiet, time together doesn't need to always be extravagant or filled with conversations, and he'll greatly appreciate simply being in the company of someone he likes, making it a form of affection on his part. this doesn't work vice versa though. he is uncomfortable with being put on the spot, with expectations and demands, and prefers to oversee the organising of such things himself — even if the other is unaware of his efforts. someone trying to forcibly spend time with him, even during missions, can be stressful and force him to mentally disconnect.

and while simon is capable of being affectionate, this will only occur with those close to him or who he takes a shine to. he has been shown to be a family man that values and even treasures the company of those important to him. that being said, i've mentioned previously that the only intimacy simon has known is through killing, death and mental or physical violence. a quote i often use as inspiration regarding simon's difficulties with affection and intimacy is " you shake hands with a man and you can’t help but glance at his throat. every part of his body is an invitation to be eagerly accepted as a dog accepts a bone. eyes are for thumbs to push into the brain, mouths can be torn open, necks are a gift - god’s ultimate mistake. spoons, tea-towels, cups of tea - they are all weapons, everything you touch is a weapon. you are a weapon. " therefore any form of closeness can be complex for simon to comprehend and adjust to.

i don't portray simon as touch-starved, but rather averse to touch — with his trauma and autism being big contributors. my headcanon ( 11 ) discusses this more in depth on the headcanon page. he's never been taught that touch is something to be craved, desired, enjoyed or longed for. that it could be a positive or pleasant thing. equally, i have discussed how touch is also viewed as a form of communication in the military, a survival tool, making it difficult to assign any other purpose to it. other than to harm, take or destroy. therefore touch isn't a love language he exhibits, though that's not to say touch isn't considered a form of affection to him in the sense of it being used to communicate danger, trouble or concern to someone important to him.

it's also important to note that my portrayal of simon features him struggling with anhedonia — oftentimes a symptom of depression, where a lack of interest, enjoyment or pleasure from life's experiences may be exhibited. he has great difficulty in differentiating between pleasure and pain because of this, largely due to his mind and body not being able to identify pleasure and having confused pain for pleasure during his time as a hostage in mexico. he believes if something isn't painful, that it's not pleasurable, although it's more likely he's not experiencing any pleasure at all and instead is very confused. he also has unintentionally gotten 'shame' entangled in this mix, feeling ashamed for seemingly getting off to pain when really it'd been his body responding to stimulation in an environment where feigned pleasure made it stop quicker.

these are all important details to bear in mind when discussing how he shows affection towards his closest friend and intermittent lover, mara. simon and mara do not refer to themselves as lovers, partners ( outside of work terminology ), girlfriend / boyfriend etc and are not romantically involved — not in the traditional and often cliché way, at least. while their relationship is occasionally sexual, due to them both being cupiosexual ( meaning not experiencing sexual attraction but still desiring sex / a sexual relationship ), much of their dynamic's strength relies on affection.

considering the details above, acts of service and quality time extend into their relationship. simon will actively seek mara out, even outside of work, to spend time in her company. he will visit her safehouse, or a discreet location they both decide on. he favours missions with her, and enjoys the downtime and journeys home and back, at her side. as for acts of service, simon finds mara's fickleness attractive. while changeability tends to put people off or distance them, it draws simon in. he likes the unpredictability of it, the promise that mara is independent and capable of looking after herself. due to his history, it's something simon has had to do time and time again, making it highly relatable and admirable to him when someone else can achieve it.

in a non-conformist sense, he views mara's lack of dependence on him as an act of service. even more so when it's intentional, or a point is made of her doing it. rebellious, defiant, reckless behaviour is something he perceives as safe. equally, showing off his own independence and lack of need is unusually also a form of affection — despite these things typically being viewed as rude, selfish and careless by society. and while simon is aware of mara's own difficulties with touch, he will commit to physical contact as a form of affectionate communication. this is not to be misconstrued as him being someone who hugs or holds. he will touch with his hands to alert, guide or reassure by pressing, squeezing or nudging.

as aforementioned, i don't portray their dynamic as romantic in the traditional sense. that's not to say romance isn't seen between them, but it might not be in a significant, common or outright way. some minor examples of romantic-based affection seen in simon towards mara might include wordlessly preparing a coffee for her, getting her something to eat but not pressuring her to eat it ( leaves her to it ), provides security or overwatch from a distance to give space, non-sexually being present while she showers ( with her consent ) though not accompanying her, taking his gloves off in her presence and maybe even touching her with them off ( in the forms mentioned above but only outside of a mission ), light-hearted competitiveness ( shows he wouldn't mind / would respect her if she won ), flirting ( not over-bearing, can come across as intense but mara recognises it's in good faith ), relaxed personal visits, and above all else, casualness. simon finds it difficult to be casual, to remove himself from his work and lifestyle, to appear relaxed and present in the moment. he will comfortably do this with mara when not working.

ironically, mara isn't good with showing or reciprocating affection. rarely are his efforts returned, and rarely does it cross her mind to make a point of expressing affection to simon. she feels affection for him, but the process of revealing that, feeling it and understanding it is extremely complicated for her. this works out, however — as simon appreciates the instability and inconsistency that comes with having mara in his life. he is not traditional, and has never been a grandiosely affectionate individual. simon prefers space, independence, indifference and comfort. he will never sacrifice these for anyone, unless it's for a mission. mara provides for simon's affectionate needs, because he adds to other's lives in halves, never wholly or entirely. he is too afraid to fully commit, and always terrified of becoming like his father. thus, his love is subtle, subdued, restrained and almost non-existent, which mara much prefers.

read meta 07 for a better understanding of their dynamic.

an integral complexity to ghost and mara's dynamic is that simon's upbringing led to a trauma-born misogynistic and sexist perception of the world. while this is largely compartmentalised for work purposes, though not entirely avoidable, and has to a small degree been worked on by him over the years, it's still a difficulty he faces and it certainly comes up with mara from time to time. it's important to note that ghost and mara's very first meeting occurs only approx. two and a half years after roba's death. what simon suffered was still relatively fresh.

during their first meeting, simon had admittedly found mara intriguing, seeing much of his younger self in her personality. at most, they'd talked — with mara routinely seeking him out during the time they shared together at a training course. outside of this, he'd expected little of her. had even expressed discontent towards having to train a woman. but mara was impressive, even at the young age of eighteen, putting some of the men she was training alongside to shame. younger mara had expressed an interest in revenge. had never told him her story nor goals but it was clear enough to him she'd lived through something traumatic. her eyes were set on an outcome and she intended to reach it, no matter what.

he'd told her how revenge was a dead-end street, and that she'd never find peace regardless of what she did. it was the most wisdom he'd dared to share with her, prior to them parting ways when the course ended. they would meet again the following year, when mara was betrayed by her handler which forced her to go on the run, and ghost was tasked with tracking her down. mara was an enigma to simon. a strong, capable, brave, bold woman — the only other woman in his life that'd shown such traits had been beth, his brother's wife. having grown up surrounded by vulnerable women, whether it be in the company of his father or his own mother, simon had grown used to perceiving women generally as weak-willed, incapable, fragile and defenceless.

a large part of this revolves around simon not being able to make peace with the fact that it's not all women, but rather the ones that were most prominent in his life. and what he suffered wasn't because they were women, but because they simply didn't protect him. women that couldn't protect themselves and thus couldn't keep him safe in turn. who were too frightened to speak out, too worried about frightening him further or about causing problems. accepting not all women are incapable meant accepting not protecting him as a child was a choice on his mother's part, survival instinct or not. it was easier for him to generalise than to face the truth. even after so many years, and recognising his mother as an enabler of his abuse as well as her own abuse and tommy's, he struggles to perceive women in a positive light.

in addition to this, having suffered extensive s*xual assault and r*pe at the hands of women, his view and judgement had merely been clouded more. this all has a huge impact on his dynamic with mara. it helps that, despite her appearance, mara's attitude and personality leans towards being more masculine than feminine. she's not so easily generalised, forcing simon to essentially take inventory. to have to analyse. towards the beginning of their dynamic, mara is far less independent and actively tries to represent or portray traits, ideals and thought processes ghost approves of. eager to please, she could be called a social chameleon for her efforts. this was helpful for simon also, because it meant she was ever-changing and adapting.

each time he thought he had her sussed out, she behaved differently or changed altogether. this fed into simon's coping mechanism of objectifying and dehumanising others, treating traumatic situations like a game — wherein pinning down who mara was became game-like. a challenge. fickleness was something entirely new to simon, and he started to find safety in it. that mara being unpredictable meant she couldn't be generalised and if she couldn't be generalised, then it was difficult to connect her to other women. when he'd tracked her down, he didn't find a vulnerable woman unable to fend for herself, but instead a resourceful, intelligent, complex one prioritising what was important to her. he'd learned of max, her guardian, and how devastated she was that she didn't get the chance to protect him — that she could've if circumstances had been different.

they would be paired up again some years later in moscow, and a hiccup in the plan forced the two of them to survive rural moscow for three days together. in that time, they learned a lot about one another's boundaries. facades could only remain up for so long. even mara's slipped, from time to time, and he managed to get a peek at the mara behind the mask, someone eager for approval, for acceptance, for respect... just like him. in fact, the more he came to find similarities in mara, the more difficult it became for him to dislike her. to judge her. and many of the women he meets presently are never compared to mara, if such can be avoided. she isn't included in the generalisation.

over the years they'd assisted one another during missions, their bond blossomed further. honesty was an important trait shared between them. simon has certainly told mara more about himself than anyone else, and vice versa for the most part. however, they do both also struggle immensely with communication and thus this can lead to tension between them. frustration, not confusion. they are always on the same page, at most with mara being a few paragraphs ahead and having to be wound back, know each other well enough not to assume incorrectly or make poor decisions involving the other. but misconstrued intentions, needs and personal thoughts can lead to unintentional aggravation.

during these times, it should be noted that they don't fight. they never fight, regardless of whether mara tries to seek it or not — which she sometimes does. they will coexist in silence if need be, always finding a way to move past it but never actively seeking a solution. this is why they routinely fail as more than friends. instead of recognising the wall between them is being built by them and attempting to dismantle it, they just continue to build.

what dramatically changed his perception of mara was the first time they slept together. i have discussed ( in the meta link at the top ) how their relationship isn't traditionally romantic, but is intermittently sexual. simon tends to avoid female sexual partners, due to his trauma. he doesn't experience sexual attraction, but will engage with sex if he feels like it. although for a long time, any sexual experiences he'd had severely lacked pleasure. they had been uncomfortable, dissatisfying, dispassionate and reckless. careless. simon struggles to experience pleasure, but on top of this he misidentifies gentle, soft, tender, slow experiences as painful and unpleasurable. that's not to say he enjoys or favours the opposite, either, but finds anything below a certain point of roughness to be triggering.

mara had initiated their first time together by kissing him. it'd come after a long-winded conversation regarding simon's aversion to touch, his trauma. mara had told him about her uncle, about his ptsd symptoms and how she used to aid him in his episodes. protected him from his own mind. she'd expressed knowledge on the condition, had exuded a sense of confidence towards it. she wasn't the sympathetic type and certainly didn't pity him, but she showed resilience in the face of fear. she didn't bat an eyelid when he'd reacted to her touch. the conversation had led to simon seeking out another kiss, and this progressed into him struggling to continue due to his difficulties with hypersexuality ( see bottom of post for meta relating to this. )

much to his surprise, this didn't discourage mara either. she told him she could relate with his intrusive thoughts, not sexually but violently. morbidly. they found solace in one another's thoughts. he felt reassured by her, found the idea of not being left to face them alone hugely important to him. through this, their first time together would occur, and mara would show him that he could find, if not pleasure then, at the very least comfort. her ability to emotionally disconnect from the situation helped him. it meant he didn't feel pressured to perform to expectations or set standards. just two people in the moment, something he'd never experienced. his traumatic sexual history follows a pattern of demands, of punishment for not meeting those demands. but there weren't any, with mara. there was certainly no punishment. she let him take his time, adapted to his needs and for the first time in perhaps his entire sexual history, he'd chased his climax solely because he wanted it.

despite all of this, while mara has seen simon without his mask, she has never seen his full body. she doesn't pry to, equally not driven by sexual attraction and at most — sheer curiosity. but she still doesn't ask. she's seen specific parts, of course. but it's glimpses of abdomen, wrists, neck, leg etc she appreciates more. he reaches a point eventually where he's comfortable not wearing his gloves around her. comfortable in something short sleeved or has shown the top section of his thighs in more intimate settings. but overall she's never seen him entirely naked, even after all the time they've known each other, all the things they've done in each other's company. he won't shower with her, won't sleep in less than sweatpants, a t-shirt and socks. sometimes he'll even wear hoodies with the hood up, preferring the coverage.

something tells mara there will always be a part of simon reluctant to share himself with another in his entirety ever again. whether he will ever share himself in that way with her. but she respects it, and simon finds great comfort in that. it might not be pleasure, it might never be pleasure, but for once it's safe.

metas relevant to this one:

• meta  01.

• meta  02.

the M4A1 carbine is lightweight, gas operated, air cooled, magazine fed, selective fire rate, shoulder-fired gun.  as a standard issue firearm for most u.s military units, they're common and accessible.  for this variant, simon's carbine is equipped with a 19" M16A1-style barrel, making it lightweight and adaptable.  this barrel increases muzzle velocity and extends range while additionally stabilising shots through its weight, hindering mobility in turn.  capable of being altered for close quarters combat, this specific layout was done with extended range in mind, enabling rapid but accurate engagement.

with a 30 round magazine of 5.56 NATO ammunition, simon was able to eliminate significant numbers of enemies prior to needing to reload, with the weapon also lending itself to a significant firefight.  the granulated grip tape on the rear grip provides a highly positive grip, regardless of conditions, and is an aggressive texture often compared to sandpaper.  this specific tape works well for tactical operations, assisting simon when navigating the conditions of the jungle.

the merc foregrip provides a quality, extendable grip to ensure reduced vertical recoil while providing hip-fire stability for fast paced guerrilla tactics.  the singuard arms invader stock is synthetic, with an aluminium core, designed specifically with agility while aiming down sights in mind.  despite the primary use of this specific weapon at the time was to eliminate enemies from a distance with speed and power, it was also necessary for movement speed to not be too greatly impacted, due to having a lot of ground to cover in a short space of time.  and to top it off, the sniper scope is lens capless for better, quicker accessibility in an unpredictable environment, possessing an illuminated BDC ( bullet drop compensation ) reticle and allows shots up to six-hundred yards.  specifically designed for hunting in mind, this scope came in handy for popping the heads of roba's herd of blissfully unaware men.

to top it off, this specific weapon was originally black with khaki sections.  simon, resourcefully limited, bought spray paint and redecorated it.  painted with jungle camouflage in mind, the weapon's new dark, black and sage-like appearance would assist in keeping simon hidden within the darkness of the jungle at night - both to conceal his presence from roba and his men as well as potential predators.

this weapon was acquired through an ex-military man known only as "finn," who simon met on the streets of manchester by sleeping rough.  finn never knew of the severity of simon's situation, unaware of the news and story being broadcast about him, but agreed nevertheless to risk his safety and freedom in order to secure whatever simon needed  —  having been told someone had betrayed simon and killed his family, and that he wanted to personally oversee their comeuppance.  finn was able to connect with people he was acquainted with, securing the initially black and khaki, military-grade weapon, combined with personally requested attachments.  simon doesn't keep this weapon.  it's discarded appropriately upon his return to the uk, alongside colonel barber.  it was used to face off against over thirty armed killers, post-roba's death.

the well-balanced browning hi-power is a 9mm, semi-automatic pistol with a double-column magazine and a narrow grip that accommodates nearly every hand size.  the single-action triggers enables a consistent, smooth pull.  containing thirteen rounds in a standard magazine, this gun is solid steel yet still lightweight, providing light recoil that's manageable for accurate firing, regardless of rate.  accessible within law enforcement, the military and special operations forces, this weapon was previously popular, well-recognised and respected.  outside of what comes with it, there are no attachments to this sidearm.

graphite black in colour, it made for an easy conceal for simon who kept this gun for protection of his family and himself within his home.  it should be noted that handguns in the uk are illegal and have been since 1997, therefore this gun was kept a secret by him, from even his family.  acquired from within the military and never returned, what with simon having helpful connections at the time, it's kept tucked within a high drawer where no one would consider looking.

this is the pistol that simon debated committing suicide with, after finding his deceased family.  ghost's entire existence, as well as simon's future, wholly revolved around this weapon for a few long minutes.  this is also the pistol that he murdered captain kevin sparks with, a former teammate and a betrayer of his trust.  it would then remain with him for the following months and he would take it along to mexico with him, where he'd seek out manuel roba  —  before proceeding to kill him with it, too.  the gun that, for a split moment, could've ended his life on the spot was instead used to avenge those important to him, to end the lives of those who made him suffer.  simon still owns this pistol.  it is, similar to the mask, a tribute  —  though a more private one that he leaves at home, hidden.

the 1911 mil-spec pistol is rugged, with it's forged frame and slide built with quality in mind.  possessing a five inch match grade barrel and rear slant serrations to prevent fingers from slipping or skidding, the mil-spec gives a classic look with modern upgrades for improved performance and reliability.  using .45 ACP ( automatic colt pistol ) cartridges, they can be extremely effective in combat, combining accuracy and stopping power.  the muzzle blast and flash is relativity low, producing a sturdy but manageable recoil.  recognised and respected within the military, these are common sidearms, and are especially popular among the criminals in mexico  —  particularly cartels.

this gun does not belong to simon.  it was acquired as a secondary sidearm during his time in mexico, specifically when he was clearing the perimeter of roba's summer home.  it was used upon infiltrating the building, where he engaged roba himself with it and his browning hp.  this gun was discarded at the scene after it'd outlived its purpose.

the ka-bar 1211 combat knife is practical and all-purpose, with a user-friendly, slip-resistant handle that serves every task efficiently.  black in colour, enabling flexibility and discretion in handling, the blade itself is seven inches long and fully capable of causing fatal damage due to its sharpness.  high in quality, these blades serve a variety of purposes and are designed to resist corrosion, possess strength, edge retention and a razor sharp edge.

it is legal to own a ka-bar combat knife in the uk, but only if it remains in your home and doesn't leave.  simon doesn't need to carry a knife around with him, and believes that having a knife on you in a bad situation will likely only lead to a worse situation.  however, he does own a ka-bar 1211, not obtained through the military, and it's another weapon kept within his home for self-defence.  it was carried around the streets of manchester with him after the events of losing his family and was taken to mexico with him.  while this knife wasn't used to take anyone's life ( simon used sparks's knife to kill lieutenant washington and stashed it at the scene to make it look like sparks had killed his teammate ), it was used to disarm roba and was thrown with great precision, piercing roba's right arm  —  wounding him.  this enabled simon to overpower him, and for him to take the lethal shot with his browning hp that'd kill him.  the knife was lost within roba's summer home.

this bush machete features a fifteen inch, stainless steel blade with an ergonomic non-slip handle, ensuring a secure grip when slicing.  while primarily designed for grass and bushes, it came in handy to simon when navigating foliage-heavy sections of the jungle, fighting off the unwanted attention of predators and slicing the heads and limbs off of his enemies.

black and grey in colour, for ultimate discretion, this machete led to the numerous, painful deaths of roba's guards during his securing of the perimeter of roba's summer home.  discarded at the scene, having done its job, this machete was purchased in mexico after simon learned from gilberto  ( roba's right-hand man )  that roba was staying in chiapas and was surrounded by impenetrable jungle.

after approximately a month of walking, with a few individuals intervening to help, despite his new skills, knowledge and conquering of his environment, simon reaches a place of such immense agony, confusion, disorientation and helplessness that he simply lays down to die in the sand. disturbingly, he makes a point of breathing shallowly, maintaining absolute silence in hopes the birds or coyotes would come and finish him off. he's made such peace with being eaten alive, hoping in his last moments he might just feel something. that at least he'll be recycled into the earth and find peace within the grains of sand filling up his lungs. hallucinates his blood pooling and being soaked up around him. how safe he feels, in the arms of death — he'd never felt more at home... and then, a voice.

incoherent, distorted, the volume rises and falls as a shadow looms over him.   ' what in the hell happened to you? '   a thick accent, and outside of his delusion he knows it to be texan, a promise that he's made it across the border, but in that moment he doesn't feel able to trust it.  deceptive, reminding him of his american betrayer, of vernon  —  the very reason he'd gotten involved in the carnage that was manuel roba in the first place.  simon hoarsely shushes him, angered that this voice is preventing any and all hope of a swift death.  keeping him earth-bound, unable to move on.   ' hell, you're still breathin'! '   they whoosh in shock, the sensation of fingers pressing to his pulse point, his sun-raw blisters, like claws digging into his jugular.  the noise that leaves him is weak, barely audible, but to simon he swears he's screaming.  searing pain, like skin tearing from precious muscle  —  GET  OFF!   IT  FUCKING  HURTS!

is this american infested with maggots too?  what are his intentions?  does he seek to prolong his suffering?  clammy palms grasp at his shoulders, attempting to roll him, to clear burning lungs of sand but he's far too familiar with this sensation.  of wandering touch, perverse tongue, rotten breath...  it's like he's back there; a trapped, captive piglet in the clutches of predatory jaguar paws.  he feels guilty, the mighty jaguar deserving better than such a dishonourable comparison.  though he swears even now his voice box is torn, the frantic squeals sounding in his mind leaving him in no more than a soft wheeze.  diaphragm feeling crushed, he swears it to be crumpled and decaying beneath the heat, no wonder he cannot create sound.  supposes the dead don't speak, can't talk...  can't tell this looming mass of darkness over-head not to touch him.  and so he does what he knows to and hides outside of himself.  now, he is the shadow, the spectator of human form leaning over his disarranged bundle of flesh and bone.

the air stills in this form, unfeeling of the sand rolling over and in between bare toes.  it feels unnatural, the weight present but all texture is missing.  is this death?  has he passed?  he's always been a good boy, kind, compassionate, his mother's voice repeats around him  —  her location unable to be pinpointed but it drives him to help the man.  helps him carry himself across dusty 'scape and load him into lonely patrol car.  what's worse is he can hear his own disturbed vocalisations, groans and hisses, confused and agitated muttering.  JUST  LET  ME  DIE.   he knows this is what he's trying to say, in between defiant grunts.  frightened, he feels it so intensely in his chest yet there's a severe disconnect  —  he doesn't recognise this limp form as himself.

' don't you worry, i'm gonna get you help, you just hold on back there, y'hear? '   accent calls out to dead man.  and in this detached form he feels an overwhelming urge to follow.  to stay with them.  therefore, he seats himself beside horizontal body and stares down at twitching eyes and shuddering limbs.  accent closes the door and makes his way to the driver's side, quick to get seated and start up the engine.   ' you're no lost tourist, '   he witters away in the front, casting glances over his shoulder every few moments to check in.   ' somebody sure gone done this t' you, '   he concludes.   ' poor sonofabitch... just how long you been out here? '   simon sees his brother next to him.  sees tommy and his withdrawal, the shaking and shallow breathing, his fear and vulnerability.  and somehow, he's once again slotted into the role of guard dog, even in this absent state, protective of himself.   i'm  here,  he recounts his words to his brother,  i'm  here  'n'  i'm  not  goin'  anywhere,  tom.  you're  safe.

corporeal form twitches violently, a spasm, likely from the dehydration, though tears absentmindedly begin to trickle down cracked cheeks.  and like a ghost, he watches himself silently cry, unable to console or relieve his own pain.  thus, simon grows suspicious.  defensive, he's convinced he's in danger.  wills himself to sit upright, to tug handle and throw his weight back out onto the sand.   you're  taking  me  back  to  him,  he wholly believes.   i  can't  trust  anyone.   alas, he can't  —  can't do anything but watch.  be presently not present, because he doesn't have it in himself right now to go back, to return to vessel and feel what he's terrified of feeling.  would sooner be witness than to relive it.  whatever it is, he doesn't know, and that's enough to keep him incapacitated.

the sand beneath the tires rattles and crunches, it creates a menacing voice that threatens him.   KILL,  KILL,  KILL.   in fact, it reminds him of the rope used to suspend him by the ribs, that nightmarish creak and crackle.   you  will  always  fight  alone,  it promises.   no  one  will  save  you.   then, he feels himself fall unconscious, dragging separated conscience back into the depths of simon riley.

/  /  /

—  details.

post-escape from roba, simon suffered extensive dehydration, heatstroke, blistering, wounds from the grit exposure, symptoms of psychosis, trauma-related symptoms and various infections.  on top of this, he was facing long-term, adverse effects from LSD overdosing  —  which had been a part of his torture as a hostage.  symptoms of his psychotic episodes included dissociation, primarily derealisation ( where the world around you feels unreal ) though also depersonalisation ( where you feel unreal ), hallucinations  —  including visual, olfactory, auditory and tactile, delusions ( firmly held false-beliefs ) that were primarily persecutory ( paranoid delusions ) but also somatic ( the false belief that there is a physical issue or medical problem ) and nihilistic ( denial and intense feelings of emptiness ) and experienced a gradual, but immense nevertheless, loss of touch with reality.

already prone to a flat affect ( difficulty or inability to reflect inner emotions on face or in voice ) due to both trauma and being on the autism spectrum, it worsened during the beginning of simon's recovery and maintained a regular presence up to current day.  it should be noted that his time as a hostage was accompanied by selective mutism as a trauma response.  this means that, in certain social situations, he was unable to verbally communicate due to anxiety.  he subconsciously continued this for the majority of his time in mexico, along with when he was finally hospitalised after his rescue.  simon suffered detailed and disturbing flashbacks, struggled to produce coherent or sensical speech and occasionally was found to behave inappropriately when under medical observation.

initially, he exhibited paranoia and was suspicious of the medical staff treating him.  having spent over a week in a coma, he socially withdrew, refused psychiatric attention and care towards hygiene, struggled tremendously with eating and drinking and rarely slept.  staff described him to be in a state of confusion, behaving unpredictably in ways that unnerved them.  he was aggressive towards female staff, meaning only male staff could treat him, and for a number of weeks he was adverse to any physical contact from said male staff.  as time progressed, simon became less reluctant and appeared to begin compartmentalising much of what he'd suffered.  his family were allowed to visit, he insisted on taking care of himself over getting assistance and began rushing his recovery in favour of getting signed off and placed back into his role of lieutenant.

as a hostage, it's hinted at in the ghost comic that simon may have undergone torture within one of the many rooms uniquely designed to make subjects unstable.  one was engulfed in darkness, with a single, red light blinking in the ceiling, another a tranquil room with a beach chair where you'd be cuffed and forced to experience calming music and visuals with psychedelics ( LSD aka lysergic acid diethylamide ), sedatives ( temazepame ), opiates ( for pain killers ) and hallucinogenics ( benzilate ) administered, often in excessive amounts.  he doesn't recall making it that far, to 'stage three' as he calls it, but has impressive muscle memory and recognition when it comes to the room  —  therefore i believe he did make it that far.  none of his torture here was extensive enough for him to develop addictions to any of the drugs administered, however it was traumatic and brain-altering enough for him to repress the memory of it.

because of this variety of medication being abused, simon certainly faced long-term effects of some.  LSD in particular influences the brain's receptors that oversee the regulation of serotonin, which is a neurotransmitter involved in controlling behavioural, perceptual and regulatory systems  —  meaning functions such as motor control, mood, sensory perception, hunger, sexual behaviour and body temperature are included.  the overall goal of this specific torture was to both bring out deep confessions as well as wiping the hostage's mind clean to then be programmed as a drone to serve roba as required.  simon's ability to inwardly retreat likely protected him from this process, as it didn't work and other methods of torture were then utilised instead.

from his prolonged exposure to LSD, which is a psychedelic drug, simon faces hallucinogen-persisting perception disorder  —  even years after.  this is referred to typically as flashbacks, where the individual suddenly re-experiences the sensations / feelings of a previous trip.  for him, this can be observed in his fascination with fire and / or explosions.  fire was a significant hallucination for him, as was skulls ( such as him painting a skull on his face with toothpaste after returning home. )  however, the primary trips he relives are physical and spatial.  for example, an altered sense of time leading to him feeling out of body or out of the moment, ghost-like, if you will.  and an altered sense of self, which interconnects with his cotard's syndrome ( meta 03 discusses this in depth. )

/  /  /

when he wakes from his coma, he's in a hospital bed in the uk.  a violent nightmare, his first one, is what stirs him, and he comes to in the company of a female nurse.  this triggers an extreme response from him, a combination of aggression and fear, with simon fighting against his nasogastric tube, iv drip and various bandages in order to put distance between himself and her.  despite attempts to reassure him, simon isn't able to comprehend the situation nor is he able to calm down, forcing hospital staff to intervene and sedate him.  they try to explain what'd happened to him, female staff surrounding him, and he finds himself unable to tell them to stop, to leave  —  to express his fear and distrust of them.

despite their efforts, he continually rejects female company until a male staff member occupies the space instead, which he copes better with.  days of male company enable simon to feel less distrustful, though he won't allow them to have any physical contact with him, including to provide care for hygiene.  after a number of these days, he's able to reveal his ability to communicate via sign language and this enables him to interact with someone who can explain the situation better to the staff.  his paranoia begins to change, at this point.  it shifts from the staff to his environment and safety.  he starts believing people are coming for him, that he's being pursued.  staff will come to check on him and find him out of bed, barely able to walk, attempting to escape  —  sometimes equipped with a potential weapon.  he insists on the lights being left off in his room, unnerved by anything that flickers, and a few times is discovered sleeping on the floor.  his delusion that roba is coming for him is severe enough that there are a few incidents of him becoming physically aggressive and distraught at the staff's minimal concern.

he rejects assistance from the offered psychiatrist and is advised that, if he won't accept help and continues to put staff in danger then he'll have to be sectioned and the choice will be taken from him.  this pushes simon into a box, forcing him to withdraw once again.  his fear is isolating and he's convinced the staff are conspiring against him  —  that they all believe he's lost his mind.  he feels out of his own body from time to time, as though he's free to leave the vessel as he pleases, and focuses on honing this as though it's a newfound ability.  he begins caring for himself, specifically by maintaining his hygiene on his own.  simon regularly hallucinates the sensation and sound of maggots on him, of insects crawling on his skin and biting him.  he worries about the hallucinated scent of death on him and feels ashamed by it.  at times, it becomes obsessive and compulsive, particularly when his family begin visiting him  —  with him having requested they not be allowed upon first waking until he was ready.

his family give him something new to focus on, a future to believe in.  he starts repressing and compartmentalising more, convincing himself he's doing better than he is.  the violent nightmares are the only thing he's not capable of controlling or suppressing.  after two weeks, he's allowed to go home with his mother to continue his recovery with family.  regular hospital check-ups reveal slow progress in his healing, which simon unintentionally aggravates through refusing to rest.  he struggles with the inactivity, with the predictability of each day.  he finds it hard to adjust to life outside of being a hostage, to eat solid foods again and remembering to hydrate.  he even struggles to adjust to correct toileting.  the normality is abnormal to him.

in the beginning, it sorely looks like he won't adjust, that he'll be plagued by these issues for the rest of his life.  but family life enables him to distract himself, to keep busy and to focus on something else.  his psychosis symptoms become less obvious, decreasing in intensity though equally subconsciously masked, his physical health starts to improve and pick up, and he creates an illusion of his life alongside his family that hides the flaws and inconsistencies  —  essentially tricking himself into believing things are better than they are.  simon becomes witty again, finding his voice and then footing in social interactions.  he starts interacting with the world around him, television, music, his nephew.  he pushes himself, starting off with leaving the house alone and walking to the end of the road and back, to walking to the grocery shop and back.

his improvement is impressive, but simon is hiding so much  —  even from himself.  it takes him four months in total, after waking up from his coma, to get back into physical fitness, re-train his body and mind and seek out re-deployment.  he wholly believes he's well, writing off the few violent nightmares he'd had that same month and instead tells his major that he's not had them in a while and is good to go.  but his major informs him that the psychiatrist is in charge of that decision.  and the psychiatrist sees straight through him.  he's offered medication which he aggressively rejects, coming from a background of addiction and having spent so much time on medication already during his recovery and torture.

it's safe to say that, had the betrayal and massacre of his family never happened, simon likely never would've been able to re-join his team and would've been honourably discharged.  over a decade later, he has impressive self-control and has undergone much self-analysis.  that being said, he has never spoken to another therapist and was never required to do so as a legally dead man.  he is not medicated, and while much of these mental health issues are repressed or compartmentalised, they are sometimes witnessed in his behaviour and exhibited by him in both casual and high intensity situations.

—  autism spectrum disorder ( asd. )

autism is a developmental disability that leads to difficulties in social interaction ( understanding the thoughts & feelings of others, sometimes seeming blunt and may also struggle with friendships or prefer isolation ), show repetitive behaviours ( words, phrases or perform repetitive movements known as stimming ), sensory reactions ( perceive light, sound, smell, taste and sight differently to others, sometimes finding them overwhelming ), as well as difficulties with communication and learning ( wherein an autistic individual might have delayed speech, movement or cognitive skills or difficulty understanding information. )

simon was diagnosed with autism at seven years old, when his mother noticed unusual behaviours in him, many of which carried on into adulthood.  these include:

• late speech  —  simon didn't start speaking until he'd passed four and a half years old, and didn't start early years schooling until he was five.

• difficulty understanding social cues and with socialising generally.

• selective mutism  —  once speaking, simon switched between verbal and selectively mute, largely due to the trauma his father exposed him to.  selective mutism typically occurs when one is either too overwhelmed or too anxious to talk.

• restricted and repetitive behaviours and interests.

• not smiling back when smiled at.

• avoidant of eye contact.

• difficulty processing change  —  although he has improved throughout the years, simon still struggles with sudden, unexpected changes and will outwardly express discontent towards these situations or the people responsible.

• sensory overload and difficulty processing his environment  —  he often enters sensory shutdown, where he appears okay on the surface but has completely mentally shutdown and is operating on autopilot.

/  /  /

—  complex post-traumatic stress disorder ( c-ptsd. )

—  post-traumatic stress disorder ( ptsd. )

the most notable difference between c-ptsd and ptsd is that c-ptsd develops due to prolonged and drip-fed trauma, a traumatic event that is repeated over a period of time, whereas ptsd is from a single and sole traumatic event.  simon struggles with both, in that some of his trauma is drip-fed and some are singular events.  both include symptoms such as experiencing flashbacks relating to the traumatic event(s), hypervigilance, as well as avoidance of trauma reminders.

between the two, simon struggles with a difficulty in regulating his emotions, issues with his sense of self and identity, relationship complications, feelings of being different to others as well as chronic, unexplained physical symptoms ( headaches, dizziness, chest paints, stomach aches, etc. )  he has also faced suicidal ideation, is classified as passively suicidal ( not outright suicidal but predisposed to putting oneself in harm's way without concern for one's safety ) and has come very close to attempting suicide once in the past.

—  sub-diagnoses relating to ptsd.

• psychosis.

this is the loss of contact with reality, wherein a collection of symptoms affect the brain.  in simon's circumstance, he experiences psychotic episodes and symptoms under high stress or triggering situations.  his thoughts and feelings regarding perceiving the world become disrupted and he struggles to recognise what's real and what's not.  this can include hallucinations as well as delusions, both of which simon is prone to experiencing.  his thinking will become disordered and confused, or he will withdraw from society / socialising and become greatly distrustful of others.  simon has a very good handle on his psychosis, and long enough has passed between his trauma and the present where he's desensitised to many of his previous triggers.  however, should he be affected by his symptoms, it can make him a risk to others.  specifically because one of his more complex and intense delusions is the belief he cannot die / has already died, thus prompting him to make harmful decisions.

• cotard's syndrome.

a full and more detailed explanation can be found here, under meta 03.  it relates to the misidentification of the self, aka the belief one's body or a part of one's body ( can include soul, organs, blood, body overall, etc ) is dead, dying or lacking.  it can also include the belief that one is immortal or that they don't exist at all.  for simon specifically, he believes he is both immortal as well as that he has died and returned, with his "vessel" now being "shared" with "ghost" who he believes to be a separate entity to himself.  sometimes he will have delusions that he is a corpse and hallucinate the smell of death or the sensation / sound of bugs crawling on him.

• obsessive-compulsive disorder ( hypersexuality. )

a full and more detailed explanation can be found here, under meta 02.  simon's ocd is exhibited through hypersexuality, which is an addiction to s*x in some form.  he experiences an obsessive, unwanted fixation on s*x, s*xual acts or fantasies, and these can be casual, inappropriate or violent.  it can be intense enough to impact daily functioning and can be traumatic to experience such intrusive thoughts.  different from a high s*x drive, the consquences of this disorder can lead to intense feelings of shame or guilt and comorbid mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.

• paradoxical laughter.

a type of laughter also know as pathological or inappropriate laughter that is uncontrollable, unprompted and typically out of context  -  meaning laughter occurs at times where laughter isn't the appropriate response.  oftentimes associated with schizophrenia or manic and hypomanic illnesses, it typically symbolises poor mental health.  for simon, he exhibits paradoxical laughter in the ghost comic, wherein he laughs uncontrollably upon the discovery of his dead family.  he comes to learn that he'd repressed a traumatic memory that'd occurred at eight years old, when his father accidentally killed a woman at a club and upon discovering the scene, simon was forced to laugh about it.  this means that simon is prone to laughing, often uncontrollably, in high stress, traumatic situations.  he can also be seen laughing about having to fight his teammate, during his time as a hostage in mexico.  now understanding what causes it ( trauma and stress ), simon has a better handle on his paradoxical laughter, meaning it typically only shows for extremely stressful and triggering situations.

• father complex.

a psychological term, though not a diagnosis, that refers to the complex processing of trauma wherein an individual did not have a stable or healthy relationship with their father throughout their childhood, prompting difficulties with self-worth and approval which can result in poor decision making.  it's not uncommon for simon to put the opinions of older men on a pedestal, typically acting riskily and putting himself in harm's way in favour of garnering their approval.  simon will betray others if it means achieving this.

/  /  /

—  schizotypal personality disorder ( stpd. )

personality disorders are oftentimes trauma-born, revolving around the enhancement of certain traits in order to survive traumatic circumstances.  with schizotypal personality disorder, it's largely believed by researchers that it involves an individual being on the schizophrenic spectrum ( low. )  it's characterised by a lack of social and interpersonal skills, with a reduced capacity for forming close relationships.  alongside this, individuals will exhibit eccentric or odd behaviour, as well as cognitive or perceptual distortions.  this means they may have odd beliefs, such as magical or self-centred thinking ( believing everything has something to do with them. )

examples of what simon experiences regarding his stpd include:

• odd beliefs, wherein he believes he has magical / special powers ( died and came back, can't die again, being fully dead etc. )

• unusual perceptions, meaning he experiences bodily illusions such as out of body sensations or that he is a corpse ( cotard's syndrome ), that he is levitating or mentally interacts with "ghost" believing ghost is a separate entity to himself.  he also has a fixation on the paranormal.

• odd speech and thinking, which means he might speak in ways that are incoherent ( but perfectly coherent to him ), disorganised ( again, perfectly organised to him ), in a vague way or will be literal.

• suspiciousness, making simon a highly paranoid and suspicious individual, exhibiting a significant level of distrust towards even those he's close to and he prefers to keep most at arms length because of this.

• odd behaviour, including dressing in an odd way ( wearing ill-fitting clothes or bizarre combinations ), leaning into his vast collection of ghost outfits and decorations, favouring his balaclava even outside of work and donning unusual styles.  on top of this, he can appear constricted and show little emotion, coming across as blunt, flat and inexpressive.  on the inside, simon is highly expressive and opinionated, often having a running commentary on what's going on around him, but this isn't conveyed on the outside.

• social anxiety, meaning although it's rarely ever shown, simon does have an excessive difficulty with socialising that doesn't lessen with familiarity.  he's shown to be disconnected in social events, with his team respectfully avoiding his personal space, and even when he develops a closer dynamic with one "john mactavish", the most physical affection he's shown to give is a fist bump.

• and lastly, difficulty with relationships, making simon a very complex case when it comes to forming and maintaining close relationships.  he lacks friends, by choice, as well as confidants, and has no family left.  at most, he prefers to spend his time with those who have other friendships outside of him, or those who don't rely on others so much to get by.

at the end of december, 2010, to april, 2011, simon is without a home during these approx. 4 months.  having to hide from police and the general public comes easily, sleeping rough on the streets of greater manchester, and capable of defending himself  — he doesn't have to worry about the darker, more isolated places.  sleep doesn't come easy, nevertheless, because simon is fixated on his revenge plan: to take out roba.

going by "will", simon moves from place to place, keeping his identity concealed, given the public and law believe him to have murdered his family and then taken his own life.  for the most part, he doesn't meet many people nor form bonds, but he does meet one individual who proves to be quite useful to him.  known only as "finn," ex former infantry, finn offers to help "will" in surviving the streets and later on, in gathering his revenge kit, even going as far as to acquire the assault rifle simon uses to storm roba's premises.

finn never learns of the severity of simon's situation, unaware of the news and story being broadcast about him, but agrees nevertheless to risk his safety and freedom in order to secure whatever simon needs.  he does, however, learn that simon is seeking someone's comeuppance in retaliation against the murder of his family.

on top of finn, simon meets a pregnant woman named june.  june isn't sleeping rough, but gets to conversing with simon on the street when she passes him.  the two develop a platonic relationship, with june even going as far as to offer simon somewhere to stay.  simon declines, fearful of what being in a woman's company for an extended period of time might do to him post-mexico, but the two continue to meet and talk.  june ends up having the baby in april, which is when simon is back in mexico and when he wholly ups and disappears.  he doesn't have further contact with june or finn, to keep them safe.

initially alone, unable to grieve and fixated on revenge, simon grows severely unwell.  he doesn't eat properly and is always on the move, rarely resting.  despite this, when he encounters people behaving dangerously on the street he always intervenes and protects those in need of protecting.  typically wearing a balaclava to protect his identity, rumour began spreading on the street of a masked vigilante.

due to the fire at his family home, he loses all valuables, possessions and physical memories stored inside.  it's the very beginning of simon accepting himself as a ghost, and he finds communicating and interacting with others to be a very surreal experience.  despite him keeping largely to himself, focused on the end goal — he does meet someone with a boat who agrees to illegally transport him back to mexico in exchange for money.

in mexico, there's a period of time where he has to navigate his way to coahuila without getting caught, and he remains undercover there behind enemy lines for six whole weeks before his target, roba's right-hand man, makes an appearance.  simon is at a place, by this point, where he can comfortably torture gilberto.  he learns roba has moved to his summer home in the jungles of chiapas, southern mexico, and is forced to find various methods of transport to reach it before travelling through extremely dangerous jungle terrain.  he's forced, between february and april, to prepare for this, meaning he's sleeping rough and navigating his way through mexico for a further approx. two months before successfully accomplishing his mission.

only once he's collected by colonel barber and brought back to the uk does he get placed in safe accomodation.  however, feeling untrusting of the government and unbeknownst to them, simon ditches this accommodation and moves to bromsgrove, worcestershire — refusing military housing and council estates.

ahh...  i couldn't do better than you and beth. 

growing up with tommy, it was always simon — the older brother — having to save the day.  between the abuse tommy and his mother suffered at the hands of his father, and the abuse his mother suffered at the hands of tommy, simon had his hands full.  throughout his childhood, he'd always been considered the good boy.  my good boy simon.  he'd evaded falling through the cracks, into drugs and crime, instead dedicating himself to a militant and demanding regime to keep his mind and body busy.  but the irony is that, through doing this, he and tommy ended up switching places.

it should've been simon who was destined to meet a nice woman and settle down.  he'd done everything right to.  it should've been him who'd gotten a second chance at life.  who'd had a child and created a beautiful family.  but because simon had sought a release and escape from drugs and crime, from getting into trouble with the police and with dealers and other addicts, he'd instead grown apart from his family and lost his chance at settling down.

it's evident, despite his age, that even without his father around his family still don't know how to fully function.  a blanket is strewn over the truth and everyone acts like everything is good.  tommy and simon pretend to get along, as though tommy hadn't mercilessly engaged in his torture as a child, and simon pretends his mother wasn't an enabler of his suffering.  he claims he's proud of tommy, for coming as far as he has, but it's evident that without beth he wouldn't be the same man.  it leads to him wondering who he might be, if he'd met a beth himself.  would he be a better man?

simon lives with guilt, for not protecting and stepping up for his family sooner.  he lives with envy, that despite his best efforts — it's tommy who comes out on top.  he yearns for what tommy and beth have, even sometimes thinking about beth in ways he shouldn't.  there's a competitiveness between simon and tommy that's upspoken of.   " when are you going to stop saving the world and settle down?"   it shows tommy has expectations of simon, to fulfil a normal life.  it shows tommy's privilege in that he can even hope of simon fulfilling a normal life, whereas simon lost that opportunity many years ago — partially due to tommy.

the dynamic bleeds into that of simon and johnny mactavish, with johnny replicating many of tommy's traits.  his impatience, his explosiveness, his opinions, his stubbornness...  simon becomes doomed to repeat the past with rescuing johnny, in the same way he used to rescue tommy.  even down to him waiting for him and guiding him through las almas during "alone."  there's a tragic irony to be found in simon's logic of no man left behind, in that he has always been the one left behind.  alas, with his family, it would've been only a matter of time before simon realised they'd been ignoring reality.  that they were not as functional as they seemed.  the cracks would've started to show.  that despite turning himself inside out for them, and swapping places with tommy when it comes to success, his family had unattainable expectations.

there's also something to be said about simon wholly believing he doesn't deserve what tommy has.  instead of wanting anything, he comments how he couldn't do better than tommy and beth: hence he shouldn't even bother trying.  it's clear he sets his brother and beth as a standard, and believes he either wouldn't be able to meet it, beat it or that he doesn't deserve to do either.

simon's suffering didn't end when he returned home from mexico.  the adjustment period was intense and long, even for someone like him.  for nine months, simon was held hostage under extremely dangerous and harmful circumstances.  he was relentlessly tortured over a prolonged period of time, abused mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually, forced to experience the effects of certain drugs and hallucinogenics, and faced extensive trauma.  then, when he was eventually free, he endured the horrors of the desert, followed by symptoms of ptsd when he was finally safe in the hospital.  simon struggled immensely with the female hospital staff trying to help him, due to his sexual abuse at the hands of roba's women.  male nurses had to take their place, and even then, he couldn't completely trust them.

still delusional and heavily drugged to protect him, simon fought with what was real and what wasn't.  he even became aggressive and violent at times in order to protect himself.  when, after a while, he'd started to recover, simon was transferred to his mother's home where she would look after him.  simon was forced to adjust to real life again.  sleep was massively disrupted, with him refusing to sleep in a bed for the first few weeks of his recovery outside of the hospital.  giving in to what he'd been forced to do for the nine months of his capture.  he'd merely slept on the floor with a blanket and not even a pillow.

his dreams were erratic, vivid and stressful, keeping him awake or waking him every night.  he waited until the clock hit a specific time before he allowed himself to eat, and even then it was very small amounts.  a piece of fruit, or a slice of bread, or some nuts.  he survived on the bare minimum for months.  he even timed his toilet breaks, holding it until he knew he was allowed.  while the brainwashing failed overall to make him a pawn, it worked in that simon was weak to the schedule roba had set for him to survive on.  his time away made him extremely sensitive to sound, more so than he'd already been.  footsteps, coughing, swallowing, breathing...  it all overwhelmed him.  all sounded so loud.  and above all else, all suggested the approach of a threat.

simon's fight or flight went haywire, making him overly cautious and reactive to every little thing.  the backfiring of a car, or the popping of a firework had him thinking he'd been shot again.  something as innocent as laughter made him feel ashamed and vulnerable.  the chronic pain he suffered was immense.  from his healing injuries to being crammed into a box during his torture to memories of pain.  his skin ached from the blistering of the sun and the friction of the sand post-escape from mexico.  but his pain never manifested outwardly.  always hiding, always in the shadows, it was insidious and smothered him.  certain smells triggered him.  certain smells comforted him.  certain smells reminded him of a consistent piece of his environment back when he was a hostage that helped ground him.  the smell of cigarette smoke being one of them.  there were times where simon craved to return, if only for the consistency.  the familiarity.

pain over pleasure, he found it impossible to indulge in anything for pleasure or comfort.  for every mistake, he anticipated punishment, and when it didn't come it felt disorientating.  he would become agitated when nothing happened.  simon struggled to adjust to his environment, too.  any sources of light, especially sunlight, affected him.  it took him a long time to regain comfort when wearing shoes.  he'd developed painful callouses from walking barefoot.  his taste had changed, and he didn't find the same comfort in certain foods that he did prior to his capture.  his pallet became very sensitive and specific, in fact.  his first shower was agonising.  like shards of glass pelting him.

it took him a long time to get back into the routine of using soap and brushing his teeth.  toilets felt foreign to him.  clothing felt too rough and uncomfortable.  he couldn't adjust to the taste of toothpaste for a long time.  simon would eat bugs he found without hesitation for the first week before his mother caught him and expressed her disgust.  there were also moral complexities that came with being a hostage.  being exposed to wrongs decisions, criminal behaviour and negativity for nine months without a break.  it warped simon's sense of right and wrong.  his thought process became very black and white.  this, or that.  no grey, no in between.  actions have consequences.

he developed a dependency towards roba and his men.  they fed him, bathed him, medicated him when he needed it.  torture aside, roba and his men provided him with everything he needed and simon certainly suffered with panic attacks at the break in routine.  he suffered an immense erosion of empathy, meaning he couldn't wholly understand people's emotions nor connect with them.  simon also developed complicated thoughts and feelings towards moral dilemmas, creating friction in his day-to-day relationships.

overall, simon's trauma and suffering at the hands of roba had a long adjustment period.  he found it immensely difficult to get back to a routine of his own design, controlled by him.  he became, much to his dismay, highly dependent on roba and his people, and suffered when the connection was cut.  roba broke simon, broke his very soul into little pieces, and then buried them.  and simon hasn't been the same man since.

please read metas 3 & 10 for a better understanding of simon's mental health complexities.  it's important you understand that this dynamic is born from psychosis, cotard's syndrome, and general schizo-type disorders.  it's important to note that while ghost was given his callsign and his mask was designed post-roba, he was always around in simon's head since he was a child, in the metaphorical sense  -  a comforting presence.  a hero designed in simon's mind, someone he could look up to and aspire to be.  but post-mexico, ghost began talking to him.  he was given a voice and a personality that reached out and grabbed him from reality.  please note, simon does not suffer from dissociative identity disorder.  ghost is not a fractured part of his personality, nor is he real.  he is a delusion.

the best way to describe ghost is to look at him as a totally separate entity to simon.  in simon's mind, he died in mexico and his vessel was occupied by ghost.  ghost is not simply a mask and outfit simon puts on, to simon he is very real and present and separate.  simon became a peripheral entity, dead but trapped within his body.  as though not allowed to truly pass on.  thus, he has control but it's ghost that is the backseat driver, always watching over simon, ensuring he sticks to the road and never strays.

ghost's personality incorporates everything his child self sought comfort from.  the people he encountered throughout his life, good and bad, but often drastically emphasised.  for example, much of simon's life was ruled by his father.  the man was an extremely oppressive force.  thus, simon dreamed of a man that could take on his father, resist the venom and put him in his place.  in turn, involuntarily his father became an influence when it came to crafting ghost.  his personality traits change frequently, making him unpredictable.  another trait of his father's.  he is capable of engaging in banter, of creating a loud but inviting atmosphere.  however, that can change quickly if challenged or questioned.

ghost is authoritative and strict, keeping simon in line in the face of temptation.  he is measured, critical, cunning and decisive.  a force to be reckoned with, he is a culmination of all the traits simon lacked growing up, or had abused out of him.  ghost will stand up for simon, express his thoughts without a filter even if inappropriate, put others in their place and while he falls short at being communicative and conversational, he makes up for it with a dark charisma many envy.

simon views ghost as a protector, while also, at times, viewing him as a buzzkill.  ghost is a constant reminder of what's important in the moment and what's expected of simon.  he holds him accountable and is the very reason simon is so deeply connected to his line of work.  ghost does not let him rest.  he scolds simon for self-care.  he is a constant presence for him and is unrelenting.

ghost, as a delusion, views simon as something to control.  one of simon's many projections onto himself.  ghost believes simon to be powerless and useless without him.  he has very negative views of simon and is highly critical and judgemental.  ghost is a projection of simon's childhood insecurities and a defence mechanism against them.  essentially, ghost has manifested into exactly what simon wanted to be, but couldn't.

while simon has the capacity to suppress ghost and his running commentary, he typically always bleeds through during most interactions.  it's important to understand that simon is a shell of himself.  he is extremely weak, psychologically wounded and vulnerable.  without ghost as a delusion, he wouldn't be able to function in day to day life.  ghost is the reason he didn't take his life and the reason simon is still alive all this time later.  it would be easiest to describe ghost's relationship with simon, overall, as a parasite, where there is mutualism in effect  -  meaning both the host and the parasite benefit from the relationship.

this comic further explores ghost and simon's dynamic.