The Grapefruit
Redd Herring
My very best friend, Buck, and I were driving to the dump a while back when, though no fault of my own, I swerved wildly, causing our truck to veer off the road and through a pasture, taking about half the fence with us. Due to this unfortunate event, we had to spend an afternoon in the insurance office sorting out the matter.
“So, you were driving along and just suddenly swerved,” Mr. Agent Mann read from the report. “And, you say there was no cause?” He leaned forward and stared at us over the top of his glasses.
“Not no cause - no fault.”
“I see. Could you enlighten me on that?”
“Well, we were headed to the dump.” I explained. “Buck was peeling a grapefruit. He’s been on a citrus kick ever since we watched some old pirate movie where the crew had scurvy.”
“Nasty business, that stuff.” Buck reached into a plastic bag, retrieved a grapefruit, and held it out to Mr. Mann. “Scurvy affects the elderly the hardest, you know.” Mann frowned and shook his head.
“It was foggy that morning,” I continued, “so I was leaning forward and really concentrating on what was ahead of us. My eyes were wide open - that’s an important detail. I thought I saw a shadow in the fog, so I hit the brakes. That’s when it happened.”
“What happened?” Mann leaned forward a little more.
“Orbisculation!”
“Or….Or…” Mann started.
“Orbisculation!” Buck interjected.
“What, may I ask, is orbisculation?”
“It’s when you squirt juice into your eye,” Buck replied. “I was peeling that grapefruit, and Redd hitting the brakes jostled me. I must have pressed down too hard, and then it orbisculated right in Redd’s eye.”
Mr. Mann shook his head. “So, this accident was due to grapefruit juice?” He reached for a book on the shelf behind him and began thumbing through the pages.
“Well, it could have been pulp, too. Orbisculate is usually a mix.” Buck said in an everyone-knows-that sort of tone. He looked over at me, and I nodded in agreement.
“Mr. Roux, are you claiming that a citrus fruit or… or…”
“Orbisculating,” I chimed in.
“Orbisculating!” Mann sputtered, “caused Mr. Herring to swerve from the highway?”
“I’m not claiming anything. It’s what happened.”
Mr. Mann held up the book, which we could now see was a dictionary. “There is no such word!”
“Of course it’s a word! I just said it!” Buck folded his arms and stared at Mr. Mann, who by now had turned ruby red with anger. “You can’t just make up words!”
“Well, at least we agree on something!” Mann opened a small container that looked to be his lunch. He stared dejectedly at the salad. “My wife thinks I need to lose a few pounds.”
“Poor nutrition and being overweight make one more susceptible to scurvy.” Buck placed a grapefruit on his desk. “For later.”
“As I was saying gentlemen, there is no such word as orbisculate. It is not in this dictionary. I have no idea where you heard it, and I dare say I doubt you read it,” Buck and I looked at each other, fairly sure we had just been insulted, “but it is not a word. I think you are trying to cloud the matter.”
Buck puffed up like a rooster, his face red as East Texas clay. He stood up, flipping his chair over in the process. “Buck,” I held up my hand, “calm down.”
“Don’t you tell me to calm down!” He pointed at Mr. Mann. “Sir! Are you saying that my claim is nothing more than obfuscation? Is that your accusation?”
“Yes!” Mann stood now. “These obvious machinations of yours are a weak experimentation in the obfuscation of this investigation! Your ridiculous creation of orbisculation is nothing more than a product of your imagination!”
Buck fumed and shook as he fought to gain control of himself. “I do not like your implications! Redd, we need to leave! I’ve come to the realization that this situation can only be solved via mediation.”
“What about arbitration?” I asked.
“Yes, that too!” Buck pounded the desk. “I can hardly contain my irritation, nay my consternation, at your defamation of my character. If I remain here, your allegations will be the causation of my disparaging your relations!”
“And I have come to the realization that your display of indignation is pure desperation!” Mann slammed his fist down to solidify his point, and as he did so, the cherry tomato from his salad was smashed, and the resulting orbisculate hit him square in the eye.
“Vindication!” Buck screamed as I dragged him toward the exit. “Orbiscualtion is real!”
Until next time…
Redd
redherring.com
reddherring.author@gmail.com