Dear younger me,
This is not the end. I'm writing to tell you that there is hope. I know it's hard to believe now, but you need to know that healing and joy await you. But freedom will come at a cost, and I am years down the road to tell you that your life is worth it.
You are not your eating disorder. I know you feel utterly consumed by shame and fear. You think that little exists of your life other than your obsession with controlling your weight and your calories. You feel, not only in body but also in mind and in soul, a sliver of the person you used to be. Let me tell you who you are. You are a beautiful daughter of God, and He has not turned from you. He created you according to His pleasure and His purpose, and that hasn’t changed. You still make Him smile. He still sings songs of love over you. God’s plans for you remain full of promise. Your mistakes won’t negate His love for you. One pound more or one pound less cannot change one ounce of His delight for you. The way you idolize control breaks His heart, but it doesn’t break His unfailing acceptance. You are redeemed and glorious because you bear God’s image, and He sees beyond your destructive behavior into the heart that He fights for.
Do you think that God would uniquely and purposefully create you, provide a way for your eternal peace through the anguish of the Cross, and then weigh you down with the burden of proving your worth? No, He is waiting for you to come to Him and receive the rest of knowing that Jesus is enough.
Younger me, you can overcome. You have not received a spirit that makes you a slave to fear but you have received the Spirit of a child of God (2 Timothy 1:7). You believe in the Resurrection. Did you know that the same power lives in you? Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). The older me can tell you that Jesus is victorious, and He will break the chains that have held you captive. In Christ, the old will pass away and the new will come! (2 Corinthians 5:17).
This freedom will come at a cost, as I said. Jesus gave His all to pluck you from the hands of destruction. As you claim Christ, you are not your own; you were bought with a precious price. Jesus promises neither an easy life nor a happy life, but He promises that you will find your deepest, most liberating satisfaction in trusting Him. This means that you must open your hands. You must let go. Your freedom will become reality as you yield to the Lord. You must choose to receive grace rather than strive to achieve grace. You have tried too hard for too long. When you say yes to surrender, you will be okay. It will be one hard step at a time, but Jesus will gently guide you to trust your counselors and your nutritionist. And at the point of every eating decision, He will make you brave. You will be embarrassed to go to your support group, but His courage and comfort will meet you there. God will place compassionate people in your path. They will not judge you; they will see you with the eyes of Christ. They will see the healthy and whole woman inside of you, and they will rejoice as she emerges.
~ Renee Ratcliffe
March 2023