Ranveer Explains What to Expect From Plumbers

The other day, I had a plumber come to my apartment to fix my toilet. When I opened the door for the plumber, I looked at him and said, "Hi. Before you come in, I need you to go ahead and pull up your pants at least two inches over your buttcrack." He refused. He told me, “The plumber’s union says I’m not allowed to pull up my pants.”

Here’s what you need to know when it comes to plumbers.There are two certainties in plumbing. One is buttcrack, and the other is a bill that’s too high. In other words, the plumbing charges are too high, and the plumber’s pants are too low. Plumbing is always expensive. One time my toilet was running water continuously. A plumber came over and spent 15 minutes making some repairs, and then he handed me a bill for $180. So naturally, I called him a motherfucker, and I examined the bill. The bill said $120 for labor. So I asked the plumber, “Did you fix my toilet, or did you give birth to a new toilet? If you gave birth, then that’s $120 worth of labor.” He gave me some some ludicrous argument about how him driving over to my apartment was included in that $120. Then I examined the bill some more. I noticed that that there was a $45 charge for a toilet fill valve. And there was a $15 fee for buttcrack. I was like, “You’re supposed to charge me for parts and labor only. This $15 fee is for something that’s not a part or labor.” He argued that it was a part. Then I informed him that I was gonna put my foot in that part.

So like I was saying, there are two certainties in plumbing. But there’s one thing that’s uncertain: whether or not the plumber is actually gonna fix your problem. He might fix a leak right in front of you--and then two days later, the leak is back. Or let’s say he installs a new toilet. Then an hour later, you discover that the toilet is European, and it's not compatible with your American urine.

So, here’s my advice to you. If you find a good plumber, hang on to him. I mean it. If he moves to another state, move with him. Just follow the buttcrack.

If you liked this article, be sure to download my ebook Ranveer Explains Almost Everything , available on the Amazon Kindle, iPhone, and pretty much everywhere else.