Hadith-advocate: If you say you follow the Quran alone, then how do you know how to pray?
Q1: Well, you see, there are 3 prayers "mentioned by name”. Fajr, ‘Isha and Wusta. In the verses describing prayer times, we look for three specific times. 11:114 mentions 2 ends of the day and approaches of the night. Umm, and approaches of the night - that is really at night, see 73:2. So three prayers, morning, evening and night. There is no prayer at noon.
Q2: Stop there! Yes, 3 prayers are "mentioned by name”, but 17:78 refers to the decline of the sun at noon. That is the middle prayer! We need to change ‘Isha prayer to evening instead. There is no prayer at night!
Q3: Well, you see, “Wusta” means “best”, not “middle”. The middle prayer is not really middle prayer after all, so only Fajr and ‘Isha prayers are “mentioned by name”. All other prayers are forbidden. See, they are not “mentioned by name”.
Q4: Wait, 4:103 says prayer is decreed at specific times, not with "specific names". if we read 17:78, 11:114, 24:58, 2:238 there are clearly 5 specific times ...
Others (chorus): Shh did you just say 5? That’s sooo Zoroastrian! It is forbidden to mention 5. (others proceed to beat Q4 on the head).
Q3 (returns): Well from Sura 62, there is salat in the middle of the day on Friday. There is certainly prayer at noon, no question about that.
Q5: OK, then maybe the “mentioned” Wusta prayer is only on Friday. So let's have 2 prayers on all days and 3 prayers on Friday. Problem solved.
Q6: Cut it out folks, I just found out that Friday is not Friday. Zoroastrians invented the day of the week called Friday. Yaum al-jumu’ah actually means "meeting time". There is no such thing as Salatul Jum’ah. That comes from Bukhari. We just have a village meeting whenever we like.
Q7: Quit fighting over times of prayer. See what I just figured out. They are exactly 2 units in each prayer. Did you read about the prayer of Mary? She is told to prostrate, and then to bow. Get it?
[pause … confused looks from others]
That means prostate in one unit and bow in the next unit. See? 1+1 = 2. 2 units, it is so clear.
Q8: Well, well, but 4:102 mentions only one prostration, so it is one unit in every prayer. It is forbidden to pray more than one unit.
Q9: See what I found by studying the Quran deeply. Sunnis corrupted the prayer by bowing in salah. But this verse says David “fell” in ruku. So we cannot bow, we should kneel, since one can only “fall” to one's knees.
Q10: See what I just discovered. Bowing is not mentioned as part of prayer. 4:102 “mentions” prostration but did not “mention” bowing.Why is that? Because bowing is not a part of prayer at all. So a unit just has standing and prostrating. So clear. It is forbidden to bow down during salah.
Q11: Agreed. And prostration is mentioned only once for each group. So only one prostration in each unit. Sunnis corrupted salat by prostrating twice.
Q12: Well, the Quran is in Arabic. You need to consider the Arabic grammar here. The verb sajadū is plural, which in Arabic means 3 or more. So you should prostrate 3 or more times.
Q13: Hey, where are units mentioned in the Quran at all in the first place? That comes from Bukhari. There are not units in salah. You just stand and prostrate once and thats it.
Q7: Well, you should read 34:46. It says when we stand singly or in pairs. Standing in pairs, that means standing for 2 units in salah. Get it?
Q13: 34:46 does not mention salah!
Q14: But where does the Quran say we have to prostrate like Sunnis do? The Quran says trees and stars prostate. Do trees prostrate like Sunnis? See, prostration is not physical. Sujud just means “submit to the laws”.
Q12 (chimes): Hmmm … that means we just stand for salah. Nothing else?
Q13 (responds): No, no, Quran clearly mentions qiyam, sujud in salah. We have to do that.
Q14: Quran says every bird knows its salah. Have you seen birds doing physical salah? Physical salah is nowhere in the Quran.
Q15: No, no, salah is physical. But the traditional salah was invented by Abbasids, so we cannot offer salah the way they do. We need to use natural body postures instead.
Q14: What on earth is “natural body postures”? Is it like Baba Ramdev's postures?
Q15 (responds): You need to see signs of God in the horizons (41:53) to understand natural body postures.
Q16: But the lexicon says that “musalli” horse follows the leader horse closely. So salah really means “following closely”. So if you are “following the Quran closely”, that is salah.
Q15 (responds): No, no, the overarching meaning of the triliteral root of salah is “connection”. So do natural body postures for connection. If you don’t understand what that means, see signs of God in the horizon (41:53).
Q11: What about the Qibla? Don’t we need to face the Qibla during salah?
All (talking over each other): No, we don’t. Yes, we do. Is it not the Masjidil Haram in Mecca? No dude, Masjidil Haram is in Petra. Did you watch that Dan Gibson video? Huh! It is in Jerusalem. No, it's in Midian. Have you read Psalm 84? It's in the valley of Baca. Read Rumi? You have to turn within yourself and face your own heart.
Hadith-advocate (confused look): Well, I don’t have all day. Have you figured it out yet?
All (chorus): You Mushrik, Sunni, Zoroastrian, Bukhari-worshipper, following Hindu rituals …. get away from us enlightened people.