The courtroom is packed with reporters and fans as the case of Interscope Records vs ex-act Dagny begins.

On the Interscope side of the room sits Lana Del Rey, Kesha, Taylor Swift, and Florence Welch. Dagny is the only one on her side.

Pink, Dua Lipa, Rihanna, and Ryan all sit in the audience. Grant Gustin and Troye Sivan remain in the lobby, unable to enter the courtroom.

Judge Lauren Lake enters and calls the case to order. 

“All rise! All rise! Court is now in session. We are here today for the case of Interscope Records vs Dagny. Is the plaintiff, Lana Del Rey, present?”

“Present, Your Honor”, Lana replies. The judge continues, “And is the defendant, Dagny, present?”

Dagny stands up covered in powdered sugar and frosting. “Present, Your Honor.”

“Ms. Dagny,” the judge exclaims, “I expect all those who stand in this courtroom to look professional. Why on earth do you look like you fell out of a pâtisserie?”

“Well, you Honor, you see I was baki-”

“Enough, I do not care. What you do in your free time is irrelevant. But please go clean yourself off. I refuse to look at you like this.”

The court waits while Dagny leaves to clean herself off. She returns from the bathroom covered in water stains. 

The judge sighs, “I guess that’s the best we’ll get. Very well. Let's proceed with the opening statements. Ms. Del Rey, you may begin.” 

Lana begins, “Thank you, Your Honor. Interscope Records is suing Dagny for $50 million in damages. We have evidence that Dagny's shows cost a staggering $50 million. Interscope refuses to spend their own funds on anything related to Dagny, and are suing her for the expenses incurred."

"Additionally, we are seeking another $15 million for having to deal with her in the first place. She has caused significant financial burden and emotional distress to both Interscope Records and myself."

“Thank you, Ms. Del Rey. Ms. Dagny, your opening statement, please” the judge responds.

“Your Honor, I admit that the costs of my shows on Pissney+ were excessive. However, they were a result of the many necessities I needed to do my job. I had no control over those factors, and Kesha should have expected them. This case is simply an attempt by Ms. Del Rey to deflect blame from her own mismanagement of Kesha's platform and to tarnish my reputation.”

In the audience, Taylor Swift whispers to Florence, who she’s sitting next to, “Her reputation was already tarnished, but that’s none of my business.”

“Judge! I wish to report an instance of bullying!”, Dagny exclaims.

“I heard nothing. Dagny, please do not scream at me, this is not Tesco” the judge replies.

“Anyway, let us proceed with the testimonies. Ms. Del Rey, please call your first witness.” 

Kesha, the owner of Pissney+ platform, takes the stand and is sworn in. Lana then begins her examination of the witness. 

“Kesha, can you confirm that the cost of Dagny's shows for Pissney+ was nearly $50 million?”

Kesha responds, “The cost of Dagny’s shows were substantial, yes. And they never would have made back their costs. Dagny’s show “Forgetful” was canceled after only three episodes. She seemingly forgot about it and did not show up to film. Her movie, “Report!”, sits in limbo.

When Interscope Records found out about the costs, they refused to pay. It caused a significant financial burden.”

Dagny exclaims ”Your Honor, I object! Kesha's testimnoy is haersay and should not be admissbile in court.”

“Overruled. Kesha's testimony is relevant to the case. Ms. Dagny, do not interrupt again. Please continue, Ms. Del Rey.”

“Your Honor, I would like to submit the financial records of Pissney+ showing the costs incurred for Dagny's show and film as evidence.”

Dagny's legal team, which consists of just herself, questions Kesha about the financial records and attempts to cast doubt on their validity. The court is not swayed. The judge asks Kesha to step down, and has Lana call her next witness. 

“Your Honor, I would like to call Taylor Swift to the stand.” 

Taylor begins her testimony. “I have had my own share of experiences with Dagny. I admit I know nothing about the cost of her shows on Pissney+, but Dagny's actions have been detrimental to my mental health and reputation.”

Dagny has another outburst, “Your Honor, this is irrelevant! Taylor Swift's testimony is not related to the case at hand.”

“I will allow Ms. Swift's testimony to be entered into evidence. Please proceed, Ms. Swift.”

"Dagny has reported me on social media on numerous occasions and has declared me to be a bully. These accusations are not only false, but are quite taxing on me mentally, as any interaction with the defendant is."

"Ms. Swift, why has the defendant reported you and called you a bully?"

"Well, you see, I have this internal need to continuously call out Dagny whenever she makes a typo" Taylor answers.

"Does she make them often?" Lana asks.

"Oh, all the time! It becomes quite frustrating for those of us who care about proper spelling and grammar these days."

Lana continues, "Has she been spoken to about her apparent lack of proofreading?"

"Many times. Unfortunately, all of our attempts to help her have been ignored" Taylor answers.

Lana continues, "You said “all of our attempts”. Who are you referring to exactly?"

Taylor responds "The entire industry pretty much. Pink, Doja Cat, Troye Sivan, that gay guy Ryan, Florence Welch, Rihanna, Kandi, Dua Lipa, and that’s just naming a few!

Lana addressed the court, "Let it be recognized by the court that Dagny clearly avoids self improvement and actively ignores the advice of her peers."

Dagny has yet another outburst. “Objectoin, Your Honor! This is not remotley relevnat to the case.”

“Overruled. Thank you, Ms. Swift. You may step down. Ms. Del Rey, please call your final witness.”

Lana calls Florence Welch to the stand, and she is sworn in. 

“Florence, can you please testify about your interactions with Dagny and the costs of her shows on Pissney+?”

Florence replies, “I try my best to avoid interacting with the defendant. I find it drains my connection to the spirit world greatly. Therefore, I don’t know anything about her supposed shows. I do know, however, that Dagny is afraid of me.”

“I was informed by Taylor Swift, who was informed by Grant Gustin, that Dagny was afraid I would be releasing something this week.”

Lana replies, “What is she so afraid of you releasing? An album?”

Florence answers, "I have no idea. I am releasing a new single, but there’s no album coming this week. I would never compete against Taylor's reissue. And even so, why would my releases be the one’s Dagny is afraid of?"

"You’re right, that does not make much sense at all" Lana states.

Florence continues: "I don’t know how Dagny would even remember I was releasing anything. She can't even remember her own. Demi Lovato mentioned a song from one of her albums and Dagny insisted she had no song by that name."

"Did she?" Lana asks.

"Yes, Demi had receipts! And during the promotional period for her current album, Dagny has repeatedly revealed and posted incorrect titles. You would think she would know the names of her own music! Have some artistic integrity!"

Lana addresses the court, "Hmm, that is certainly concerning. Your Honor, this all seemingly confirms what we already knew. That Dagny is just out of touch with the industry.

She cannot identify actual bullying, she does not know which artists are actual threats, she is unable to tame her expensive ways in a time when inflation is so high and supermarket workers are grossly underpaid, and finally she fails to have a basic understanding of even her own releases.

I have no more questions."

Florence returns to her seat, and Judge Lake asks Dagny to call her first witness.

"I’m sorry, what?" Dagny replies.

"Your witnesses. Who have you brought with you?"

"No one, Your Honor. I came alone. I wasn’t awa-"

"Enough. Take the stand. You’ll have to be your own witness."

Dagny quickly gets up, but trips over a stack of her unsold vinyl copies on the way.

Judge Lake continues, “Since you are acting as your own witness, and brought no legal team. We’ll have to assign someone random to do your examination.”

She points to someone in the audience, a twink who recently went blonde. “You will do. Please come forward and begin the examination.”

“But I’m just a twink?” Ryan says confused.

“It doesn’t matter. We don’t have all day. Please proceed.”

Ryan begins. "Um. So, Dagny. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"About what?" she answers.

"Have you not been paying attention? How do you explain these absurd production costs?"

Dagny responds, "I truly have no idea how they happened. Why would I need a premuim ChatGPT subscriptoin and access to advanecd spell chcek?"

“I could think of a couple reasons. Anyway, how do you explain the 100 yards of imported brown cashmere then?"

Dagny stutters, “I, I could have sworn I ordered maroon..”

"And why on earth would you need a metronome on a film set?"

Dagny starts speaking faster and faster, "Well, see, I, often the only way I can descirbe things is through tmepo and well when my thoughts are racing Presto, I just need to know the BMP and I-"

Judge Lake interrupts, "Ms. Dagny, please speak no faster than Andante in my courtroom. If you even know what that means."

“Anyway, I think we have all heard more than enough.” Judge Lake replies. “Ms. Dagny, please return to your seat. The court shall retire to discuss and will return with our verdict on Interscope Records vs. Dagny. All rise.” 

Everyone exits the courtroom, while the jury deliberates.

Dagny leaves the courthouse and spends the break handing out unsold vinyl copies to people in the local supermarket. Lana Del Rey on the other hand changes into a fashionable brown suit ahead of her projected win.

Meanwhile, Kesha continues to examine the courthouse bathrooms. Florence meditates quietly in a corner, and Taylor decides to take her private jet to England for lunch.

Grant Gustin is occupied with consoling Troye Sivan who has been crying on the floor since they arrived. However, he looks across the street and sees a medical office. He quickly drops Troye and runs over, eager to make an appointment.

The jury finishes deliberating and the judge invites everyone back inside the courtroom.

Dagny, still occupied at the supermarket, realizes she’s been gone too long and quickly rushes back. The room is full of whispers and chuckles as she runs in sweaty and late, arms overflowing with vinyl copies of her album.

Judge Lake pounds her gavel. “Order in the court! Ms. Dagny, where on earth have you been? Pluto?”

“Well, since you menti-” Dagny starts.

Judge Lake interrupts her again. “I do not care. The jury has deliberated and come to a conclusion on the case of Interscope Records vs. Dagny. The plaintiff is suing Ms. Dagny for a combined $65 million for expenses and emotional distress. Jury, what is your conclusion?”

"The jury has determined that the defendant…"

As the jury is about to deliver their verdict a large object comes crashing through the left wall of the courtroom. The spherical object hurtles through Dagny’s table, destroying nothing relevant to the case, but lots of her vinyl copies. It barely misses her metronome. 

The object, which can now be seen to be a wrecking ball, ironically lands right in front of Lana and appears to be a concrete disco ball with the logo for Doja Cat's latest album “Doja Demolition” on it.

Doja apparently had a bunch of branded construction equipment made to promote her album in urban areas, and seemingly one of them went awry.

As the dust clears, and everyone in the room begins to process what just happened, the disco ball of destruction opens up and the room is filled with the heavily sampled instrumental of Doja Cat’s track “Winsome”.

The audience quickly scrambles to escape the sound of Grant Gustin attempting to appear straight.

Dagny lies on the floor with her metronome attempting to determine the track’s MBP.

Ryan, infuriated at the presence of anything related to Grant Gustin, grabs Lana, Taylor, and Florence and drags them out of the courtroom. During the chaos, Kesha fled to ensure the bathrooms were not harmed.

Though no one is around to hear, the Judge declares that the court is adjourned till a later date.

Doja Cat finally arrives hours late only to find the building abandoned and in ruin. She hears her own music playing and smiles, forgetting to care about what happened, before leaving to head back to RocNation.