Hello everyone! Welcome back to “Death On My Spaceship”. My name is Doja Cat, and I’ll be the host of the show. Following the first season, we got a lot of feedback on how we can improve and better organize our show. Today we’re going to introduce thirteen “celebrity(?)” guests. 

They’re going to begin an epic competition that will challenge them physically, mentally, and emotionally. The crew will work together to complete challenges to earn money. However, among them is an imposter, a double agent placed within the game to sabotage the other’s efforts to earn money. The objective of the imposter is to disrupt, divide, and deceive the crew. The imposter’s identity is a secret, so no one knows who he, or she, or they are. 

It’s a simple game: Complete the missions, win the cash, and most importantly solve the murders. We have changed how the elimination process has worked in comparison to last season. Instead of every player voting to eliminate a person from the crew, each week the players will have to take a test to try to solve who the imposter is. Instead of allowing the imposter to randomly murder people within the crew, now the imposter will kill whoever performs worst on a given test. The murders will also be involved in the weekly challenges. 

The show crowns its winner or winners when either the crew unanimously solves who the imposter is or the imposter is the last person alive. We have also removed the feature of “roles” for the given crew members. We figured it would be best to eliminate any form of “power” dynamic between the players. 

With an expanded budget, we’ve also expanded the size of the “ship” in which the players will spend most of their time aboard. We’ve designed the new ship to be almost like a labyrinth, but yet fully functional as a realistic ship. Will the crew be able to survive and make it to the Doja Dimension, or will the secret agent stop them from doing so? Stay tuned and toot along with the #DOMS2 , #DOMSLiveFeeds, and #DeathOnMySpaceship hashtags. 

We’re not starting the game inside the ship, instead, we’re starting outside of it. We will be visiting many sets throughout the course of the show, and this first one is designed to be an alien jungle as if the ship had crash-landed on a strange planet. Without further ado, let’s get introduced to the cast. 

The landing deck of the ship opens and out steps the first player: Star of the hit season ‘WANNA BE ON TOP’ TOP steps out of the ship.

"HELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND HOMOSEXUALS AND NON BINARY... PEOPLE OF ALL... UM... GENDER APPROPRIATIONS??!!... UHHH... AND THE UGH PRONOUNS UGH... EVERYONE IS INCLUDED!!!"

However, nobody is included as TOP realizes he’s alone outside of the ship. He sighs and pulls out his wallet, looking at a picture of Kandi he keeps in there. "I'M GONNA WIN THIS FOR YOU MY PRINCESS." 

Footsteps can be heard as RuPaul steps outside of the ship next. “Hello, hello, hello!” waits for applause “It's me, Mother RuPaul. Once a Singer, Actress and global phenomenon (it goes on and on), now just a humble gal here to turn up the heat and probably slice off a few bitches! Can you handle the heat? Because your country breakfast is ready! Now if you can't love yourself how in the HELL you're gonna love somebody else can I get amen up in here?!”

TOP gleefully applauds him. “YOU REMIND ME OF KANDI IF SHE MAYBE GOT LESS SURGERY ON HER BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, GLORIOUS, WONDERFUL, AND HANDCRAFTED BY GOD AND PERHAPS MANY DOCTORS FACE.”

“Oh good, someone from the pit crew is here. I need to be moisturized.” RuPaul responded. TOP looked around, confused. “OH I LOVE PITS, I CAN TOTALLY EXPLORE YOURS IF YOU’D LIKE.” “Well butter me up like a biscuit at a Tuesday brunch because I’d like to bite. Laughing noise.” RuPaul said.

Paris Hilton is the next player to emerge from the ship. “One night in Paris, now more nights on a spaceship. Does anyone think space travelling is a good thing? I love Meghan Trainor, I think she’s a really interesting artist.”

“Is that Courtney Act? It’s so somewhat pleasant to see you here.” RuPaul says to Paris Hilton, mistaking her for a drag queen.

“Who’s caught in like what? I like.. Don’t even know like what like you’re talking about like. Ha. Sliving! That’s hot! Catchphrase!” Paris responded.

RuPaul, still under the impression that the blonde before him was a drag queen, responded: “I am your mother, you listen to me.”

“I like didn’t even like recognize you. You’re like so obsessed with me.” Paris Hilton said, hugging Rupaul as he tried to force her away from him. “That’s so hot.” TOP steps in, forming a group hug with the others as he speaks to Rupaul. “IF YOU LIKE I CAN CALL YOU MOMMY TOO.”

Producers sensed that the cast didn't meet their LGTBQIA+ standards, so Lana Del Rey’s personal assistant Ryan was sent out as the next cast member: “Is Grant here?” Ryan asks. “GRANT IS NOT HERE, BUT IF YOU’D LIKE, I CAN GRANT YOU ANY WISH. RUPAUL IS HERE TOO. ” TOP smiled and approached Ryan “Why would I rue that Paul is here? I would have never expected him to leave his house.” Ryan asked, confused.

Ryan awkwardly smiled and waved to RuPaul, trying to step away from TOP.

Rupaul waved back, unsure of who Ryan was. “And you are? Oh yeah! Uh.. uh.. You were so much fun on Season 12 I think? You’re giga? Um.. Jack? Uh… Uh Jadavanescence?? Good to see you!”

“Has Season 12 happened yet? I don’t keep track.” Ryan asked, still having Rupaul mistaken for someone else, “Well, I’m glad you’re the one familiar face here instead of the short one or the one obsessed with flamingos.”

The next cast member skipped out of the ship's door.

“Hola!” Björk and Meghan Trainor collaborator Rob stepped out of the ship. “Did someone say flamingo? Cause I think it’s time for space to get a little tropical. Now, who brought the sangria?”

"Oh wow, oh wow! Ahhh this is so exciting! It’s great to see you! I'm glad we can both step away from out responsibilities(?) to be here.” Rob said to Ryan.

“If only I can say the same!” Ryan smiled back at Rob. “Why don’t you go and talk to Paul now, and just like, away from me-ish? thanks.”

Suddenly everyone went quiet as the ground began to shake. Waddling out of the ship arrived Xtina. “You never thought a legend would walk through, Legend X has arrived on the spaceship."The other members quietly stared at Xtina for a few moments before RuPaul broke the silence, “Well... let us know when a legend arrives!” Christina approached the other players, not understanding the comment. Paris Hilton smiled and hugged her. “Girl, if you were like 400 pounds lighter we could totally like be like friends!”

“You know,” Xtina began to attempt a monologue, wanting as much screen time as possible before she’s most likely killed off first, “Confessionally, From a Broken Heart, comments like that Still Hurt Me. They make my Heartache and my Heartbreak (both singles released almost back to back). Now... I’m not gonna cry any Tears about it. You can Cry Your Tears Out. So many Tears From Our Eyes. Why? Because I Feel Love." 

"I’m a Chic that can Pose during the Dance Revolution." Xtina continued... "This is a Glass Haus so don’t throw any stones. From the Moment I Saw You I put my Heart On The Line. I listened to the Voices In My Head and they said Catch This Feeling When The Lights Go Out. So Don’t You Pity Me when I-”

“Are you just referencing all your singles in an attempt to get us to remember any of them?” Paris Hilton asked. “Cause if you were like anyone else, that’d be like so hot.”“Yes, Yes I am. I love both shoehorning my career into any conversation while simultaneously not wanting to promote it at all." Xtina stood there as if she had said something profound. "Call it the duality of man. Call it.. The duality of Legend X.”

“Gonna call it the duality of… a man cause that’s all I see in front of me.” Paris Hilton responded.

The door to the ship opens again.

“Reigning DOM(s).” Grant Gustin snapped his fingers as he stepped out, “I've said murders were going to be vicious, but this time they'll be delicious." Ryan gasped, rushing up to Grant and leaping onto him, screaming “You can DOM me anytime you’d like!” while both fell to the floor.  Grant grunted as Ryan clung to him. The cameras had to cut away due to censor concerns. 

Xtina looked around confused as usual, but upon hearing the word ‘Delicious’ she felt the need to remind people she was on a No. 1 single once. 

“Want to hear a fun fact? I was on the song ‘Delicious’, I was a part of it. I was there and I witnessed it. I’ve been a part of many songs before. A lot of people consider me a pioneer in the industry." She lied. "I have some problems and difficulties you know uh… Because i’m… I’m a powerhouse singer. I can belt pretty well. That’s my… That’s a comfort zone of mine. And… and some singers have a very easy ability to there’s this sorta uh middle ground in a… In a singer’s voice or voices that they can kinda almost kinda almost I call it almost like a yawn effect." "It’s almost uh a place between in your voice when you yawn and it’s kinda like between a belt and a falsetto and a largo and a lento and a venti coffee. You know, I’m very black and sometimes white. I’m either like HEEEEEY or I’m like heeeeyyy. You know? It’s like.. It’s.. it’s..” 

Xtina looked around to realize that none of the crew were actually paying any attention to her. 

The doors to the ship opened once again, and out stepped Harry Styles,

“Hello, it's Harry Styles. I'm a singer-songwriter who makes music. I'm here hoping I don't die once again, so good day mates!” Rob cheered and ran up to Harry Styles, hugging him tightly. “Oh my god this is going to be amazing! Ah Styles Ah Boyfriend Ah Grammys." "I totally agree babe." Harry said, "I'd love for the world to see our love."

The cameras had to cut away again due to censor concerns. The camera cut back to Ryan who was currently "snuggle u" with Grant Gustin. “I know you’re married and all that,” Ryan said, “but if you ever feel lonely while on set-” 

The door to the ship opened again, and out walked Troye Sivan.

“Murder is my husband, murder is a god. Murder is the breeze in my hair on the weekend, murder's a relaxing thought. Murder is the winner of last season, coming straight home to me. Me and murder vibe like that.” Grant Gustin and Ryan instantly put some distance between themselves as Troye Sivan approached.“I have to tell you Troye, I’m a huge fan.” Ryan complimented the music idol. “What you did in the Ghostbuster film was stuff of legend.”

“Did I ask?” Troye responded, grabbing Grant’s hand.

Lana Del Rey, pulled away from her vacation, walks out of the ship having put less care in her outfit than she does with her remix single covers.

“Not this again…” She said.

“Lana!” Rob approached the songstress, Harry Styles right besides him. “I have to just thank you. I’m a huge fan. The only reason I signed up for this is because I was struck by your performance in Celebrity Big Brother and that’s when I knew I wanted to get into television. Do you have any advice on becoming a reality tv star?”

“Right now really isn’t the best time to be bothering me Ryan.” She responded.

The doors opened again, the sound of thunder and children weeping in the distance echoed from the ship. Out stepped Madonna.

“I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore!” Paris Hilton screamed, “Not the ghost of Christmas future!”

@Madonna waved, walking over to the group. “I’m not saying I’m against this show, I’m a cheque hunter after all, but ‘death’ on my spaceship is giving anti-vegan propaganda and for like, what reason? I think they should really consider "life on my spaceship" instead.” Xtina, having found someone who might give her attention, nodded.

“I am in total agreement with whatever you’re saying. By the way, you mentioned being a check hunter. Do you have money? Are you willing to give me any? I’m still in so much debt from not selling a single ticket on my Sunset Strip World Tour.”

“It’s actually quite impressive that you’re even able to be signed to a label at this point. Like… i’m just trying to evaluate the cost slash benefits…” Madonna responded.

“I JUST WANT TO SAY…” New York steps outside of the ship, making her way over to the group. “I'M BACK. THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES, THE HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE IS ENTERING SEASON TWO OF DEATH ON MY SPACESHIP! WHY? WHY NOT? I ALREADY HAVE ONE LOSER'S SAD ASS DEATH ON MY RESUME, WHY NOT ADD MORE TO THAT LIST. MY ADVICE TO MY FELLOW COMPETITORS? BEWARE OF ME - ESPECIALLY IF YOU LOOK LIKE A FAIRY PRINCESS THAT RESIDES OVER THE GATES OF HELL, OR YOU'RE WHITE, UGLY, ACNE-FILLED AND GINGER. YUCK.” 

The plethora of he/theys gasped at her threats to “fairy princesses” while Xtina gasped at her threats to “ugly” people.

“KANDI!” TOP, having mistaken New York for the love of his life, ran up to her and fell to his knees, clinging onto her legs. “MY QUEEN! I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE HERE.”

“NOW WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” New York attempted to hit T.O.P. “BACK THE FUCK OFF ME YOU FAIRY PRINCESS FROM HELL!”

The final cast member steps out of the ship, it’s Normani,

“Instagram model, brand ambassador, influencer, dancer, and sometimes a singer when I feel like it... it's me, Ms. Normani!”“OH IT’S FUCKING ON SIGHT” New York pushed TOP off of her, going to swing at Normani, however, Lana Del Rey grabbed her and held her back. "Alright, now that everyone is here why don't we get on to today's task." Lana attempted to intervene. 

New York managed to get Lana Del Rey off of her.

"I WOULD LIKE TO REAR UP, AND JACKKNIFE MY LEGS, AND KICK YOU ALL IN THE FUCKING JAW WITH MY FOOT BONE. I WISH MY FUCKING FOOT WOULD GO RIGHT THROUGH YOUR SKULL. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR CORNER A BITCH. I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. YOU CORNER ME AND I’LL FUCKING STAB THROUGH YOU. I’LL STAB THROUGH YOU."

"Did you drink before this?" Lana asked. "NO BUT I’M GONNA START DRINKING IF WE DON’T GET THAT WHINEY BROKE BITCH OFF THIS SHOW. PROBABLY, I’M GONNA START WITH THAT FAIRY’S HEAD," New York pointed to any of the male cast members, "I’M GONNA RIP HIS HEAD OFF. AND THEN I’M GONNA COME BACK AND LIGHT YOU ON FIRE. I’M GONNA LIGHT YOU ALL ON FIRE, BUT I’M GONNA START WITH YOU LANA. I’M GONNA FUCKING TORCH YOU. THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO IF YOU EVER PUT YOUR PUDGY WHITE DEMON HANDS ON ME AGAIN." 

"Alright crew settle down," I intervened, "Today's mission is going to be short and simple due to it being introductory. You will all be split into three teams. All three teams will be sent out to collect boxes that will be needed to repair the ship. Finding a box will earn $5,000 to the prize that the winner of the show will get." 

The first team will be called "#NOTSELLING", and the team consist of Rob, New York, Grant Gustin, and Madonna.

The second team will be called "#NOTSTREAMING" and the team consist of Lana Del Rey, Ryan, Normani, Harry Styles, & Troye Sivan.

The third team will be called "#NOTTRENDING" and consist of Paris Hilton, TOP, Xtina, & RuPaul.

All three teams will get a map to their pickup location and an hour to get the supplies and return to the ship.

Madonna takes her teams map, nodding. "I used to use these before GPS!"

Ryan takes his teams map, "This is just like elden rings or something."

Nobody on team #NOTTRENDING can read a map, so that duty falls on TOP.

Rob appeared excited that he was the only male cast member on the team with Grant Gustin

"So like, what are your views on monogomy? I mean, I'm pretty flexible."

"WILL YOU TWO FAIRY PRINCESSES SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE ON WALKING HERE." New York politely said.

Meanwhile on team #NOTTRENDING, they did not make it far away from the ship before Xtina tripped and fell.

Paris Hilton, TOP, & RuPaul tried to pick and heave her up. The clock was ticking.

Meanwhile on team #NOTSELLING, Ryan lead the way with the map.

"Do you think there will be any deaths so early into the season?" Normani asked.

"I don't think so. At least not either of us, between our strong personalities we're great cast members for this show." Harry Styles responded.

"Does anyone think this episode isn't really funny or? I'm just saying we're a bit tired." Ryan asked, stepping on a tripwire between two trees.

"Ryan are you serious?" Lana Del Rey pushes Ryan out of the way as a coconut falls from the tree, hitting Lana on the head.

Both Ryan and Harry Styles shrieked and ran back towards the ship.

"Figures..." Troye Sivan mumbled to himself.

The hour concludes, and team #NOTSELLING is the only team that managed that managed to arrive back with the box in time.

Team #NOTTRENDING never arrived back at the ship, while Troye Sivan and Normani of team #NOTSTREAMING arrived back without the box.

Eventually team #NOTTRENDING returns, and the crew reflects on how they failed at this weeks challenge and how the trap was laid that killed Lana Del Rey

"Maybe if everyone on the teams just worked a little harder." Troye Sivan commented.

"I hate working, especially on Saturdays." Xtina commented. Crew, it's time to cast your votes for who you believe the imposter is. "I'LL GO FIRST CAUSE I'M THE HBIC." New York said, going over to the voting tablet.

"I wonder who the murderer is. It's so rude of them for not picking me first." Paris Hilton whined.

The crew all take turns to vote for who they believe the imposter is and how they set the trap. The crew then enters the ship, sitting down at a table for dinner. "The results have been calculated... and they were quite interesting."