Hello everyone, welcome to “Death On My Spaceship”. My name’s Doja Cat, and I’ll be the host of the show. Tonight we’re going to welcome fourteen special celebrity guests onto Starship Doja, where they will act as the crew aboard the starship. However, someone within the crew is an imposter; a secret agent sent to kill them! Will the crew be able to survive and make it to the Doja Dimension, or will the secret agent stop them from doing so? 

The set is designed to be as immersive as possible for the houseguest. Modeled after set designs of popular television shows such as Star Trek and shining designs from Club Doja, “Starship Doja” truly feels like an intergalactic experience. 

I will be interacting with the crew as an A.I. hologram throughout the course of the show. Through intense revenue received through Club Doja, and a generous  donation of 41 cents from Kandi Corporation, we’re glad to announce “Death On My Spaceship” has the highest budget in reality television. 

Each episode will take place as follows: The guests will be assigned and have to perform tasks around the ship, and then they will have to perform an investigation and vote on who they believe the killer is. Whether innocent or guilty, the person with the most votes will be ejected from the ship. 

The show crowns its winner or winners when either the imposter gets ejected or the imposter is the last person alive. If a tie occurs during voting, then the entire crew, excluding the two in the tie, must unanimously pick one or a full abstention occurs. Each crew member has been assigned a “role” aboard the ship, some roles have an assortment of perks. 

Without further ado, let’s get introduced to the cast. 

The cafeteria of the ship is where the cast will be meeting for the first time and getting friendly with each other. 

The doors open up and the first in is one of thee best performing rappers in the music industry, thee hot girl Megan Thee Stallion.

“Oooou is it hot in here or is it just... me? Oh it is! Thee hot girl is HERE to send one of you bitches to jail!”

As it turns out, it is just Megan in the room. She does a little sad twerk before going over to one of the tables and sitting down to wait for the next cast member. 

Next into the room is a certified hitmaker in the industry and former executive of Capitol Records, Katy Perry

“The HBIC is back. The Head Babe in Charge, that is. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm a true dark vixen and rebelle femme. I'm going to gaslight, gatekeep and girlboss my way throughout the game until I solve all the clues. You'll never find a more purrfect winner. PS, Troye Sivan you smell and you can't sit with us.”

After getting through her monologue, Katy Perry turns to Megan Thee Stallion “It’s so nice to see you again Megan,” Katy hugged her, referring to their time together on Celebrity Big Brother, “You look really stunning.”

“It’s nice to see you too Katy, you look...” Megan smiled awkwardly and nodded.

Stumbling in with a half empty bottle of yellowish whiskey, Kesha is the third cast member of the show.

“If you mess with me then I'll destroy you like I destroy the D.”

“Oh my god, Kesha! You smell so unique!”

Katy Perry cheered as Kesha came into the room. Kesha went in to hug the other two cast members, however both Katy and Megan Thee Stallion began to run away, clinging onto each other, claiming that Kesha needed to social distance from them for covid safety protocols.

Things settle down, and the door opens for a fourth time, and Honest Vocal Coach walks in through the doors.

The other three cast members stopped and stared as HVC is the first cast member on the show to not have been on Celebrity Big Brother.

“Let's be Honest...you didn't see this one coming!”

They didn’t. As Honest Vocal Coach comes towards the table, Katy Perry yells, “You can’t sit with us!” However, Megan Thee Stallion defied Katy and waved HVC over to sit with them, to which Katy responded with aggressive side-eyeing. 

“Oh my god, Adele, I’m such a huge fan!” Megan Thee Stallion cheered gleefully as Honest Vocal Coach sat down. 

The doors open again and country superstar Kacey Musgraves walks into the room, filled with country confidence.

“Howdy, cowboys! Fresh out of Texas, it’s me, Kacey Musgraves! I ain’t afraid easily, so let’s get this show rockin’, yee-haw!”

Seeing another girl from Roc Nation, Megan Thee Stallion gleefully pushes Honest Vocal Coach aside to make room for Kacey Musgraves at the table. 

Soon after, the doors open a sixth time and Lana Del Rey struts into the room. She twirls her hair, a memorial card of Ed Sheeran in hand.

“Um hello. [REDACTED]. So here I am.”

Katy Perry, annoyed at Megan Thee Stallion's dominance over the table, calls Lana Del Rey over to sit with them. 

Both Kacey Musgraves and Lana Del Rey roll their eyes at the sight of each other.

“Oh fuck off.” Lana says as she gets to the table.

“You know what-” Kacey started to stand up before Megan Thee Stallion held her back. Kacey managed to break free and punches Lana across the face with a space ball.

The doors open another time, and Amelia Lily stumbles in, somehow sneaking onto the set through the cargo hold. Her main personality trait being that she is chewing pink bubblegum.

“I am here to show a party girl. Can be drunk and still figure out who murder is.”

None of the current crew acknowledges her presence, and Amelia Lily moves herself over to the opposite side of the cafeteria where Kesha is seated.

Kesha gets up to go pee in the corner.

The temperature in the room gets a little colder as the doors open again and Demi Lovato walks into the room before looking across the cafeteria.

“You girls must be the aliens.” Kacey Musgraves gets up and runs over to Demi Lovato and the two friends embrace each other.

“Oh my god, Kacey! I’m so glad you’re here!” Demi says in excitement.

Kacey responds with, “I’m so glad to be here! I can’t wait to see you win this too!”

The two then go back to the table.

The doors open once more and Harry Styles walks into the room carrying an LGBTQ+ flag.

"Hi, I'm Harry Styles. I sing, I make music, and I act. I am very excited and nervous to be here (I hope I don't die). Good day, mates!"

“They’re allowing kids in here?” Katy Perry asks, to which Kesha, hearing the word ‘kids’ shrieks across the cafeteria, remembering the recording process for her song “Double Life” with Madonna. 

Harry Styles rushes over to help Kesha, “Don’t worry darling.” He says to the half-coherent Kesha.

Kesha, inebriated, begins to piss on Harry. He tries to repel her by spitting on her.

The doors open another time, and another homosexual walks into the room.

Grant Gustin takes off his sunglasses and begins to undress before several members of  the crew get up to stop him.

“The murders on this show are going to be vicious. Subscribe to my OnlyFans to find out more.”

"Not another fruit." Katy Perry sighs at the sight of Grant Gustin

"Wait.. don't tell me Troye is going in with him..." Katy turns to the camera,  "Hello hbo max, i have to talk to you about your "family friendly" content."

And there is another fruit... as Troye Sivan struts in right after his husband, seemingly unimpressed at being there.

“Slay… literally.” The tension in the room immediately rises as Troye Sivan and Katy Perry exchange glances.

“Fruit”

“Hag”

Troye goes and sits down with his husband Grant Gustin while Katy Perry can be heard making homophobic slurs from across the cafeteria.

Thinking the homophobic slurs were being hurled at him, Harry Styles begins to sob. "Omg, what's happening?" He cries.

The door opens again and in walks Meghan Trainor, she begins to go on a Lana Del Rey like tangent..

but for formality purposes we’ve condensed it to

“Munch-munch, crunch-crunch. Meghan is here to eat the lunch.”

Since she was eating during her intro, her entire speech has been transcribed. 

Since the meeting is taking place in the cafeteria, Meghan Trainor instantly goes over to raid the food pantry.

Lana Del Rey immediately goes over to prepare a speech about how that is unfair to the crew and particularly her.

However, Meghan finds a loose space ball and punts it across Lana's face.

Meghan Trainor, thinking the spacebar was a cake decoration, begins to eat it.

She promptly starts to choke.

"Eat her up Meghan" Kacey Musgraves cheers on as Megan Thee Stallion, a trained nurse, begins to do the Heimlich on her.

The door opens again and Erika De Casier makes her grand entrance, a beautiful hymn playing from somewhere in the background.

“E for Everyone’s Favorite…Erika de Casier ”

“She so unique” Troye Sivan murmurs as Erika De Casier walks into the room. “She’s an alien superstar.”

"I'm one of one. I'm the only one." Erika says, being on a higher plane on existence than the rest of the cast. She goes over to an empty table and begins to meditate or do yoga or something.

Megan Thee Stallion, Kacey Musgraves, and Demi Lovato quickly get up from their seats to hug their fellow Roc Nation sister, and the four decided to sit together at another table. 

The door opens a final time and Gwen Stefani walks in.

“Hello it’s me, Gwen Stefani. I’m back, I’m blonde, I’m fruity, I’m unvaxxed, and I’m a little bit of a bitch. I am the proud winner of the first season of CBB. I’m going to win this show and afterwards you can catch me and the late Ed Sheeran perform our viral smash hit “Sunset Overdrive” in the new pokymon game ‘Scarlet Violence’. Christina Aguilera is a fat loser and I’m far more blonder than she will ever be! Make America Gwen Again!”

Now that all of the crew members are here, it’s time for them to get situated and mingle among each other. This is a game about voting, and the crew needs to think strategically. 

Katy Perry pulls both Kesha and Kacey Musgraves aside and tells them they should form a voting alliance together. They call themselves: “The Triple K” 

Kesha pulls Katy Perry aside and mentions that the two should form a #RHOPI alliance.

Katy reminds Kesha that she was never on the Real Housewives of Pop Industry.

Gwen Stefani overhears this and tells Kesha that they should form a #RHOPI alliance.

Kesha says “No.”

Being the only males of the group, Harry Styles, Grant Gustin, and Troye Sivan form an alliance, they call themselves: “The LG3T”

Grant and Troye wait for the first moment that Harry becomes distracted to form their own alliance, we’ll call them: “From Top to Bottom”

At their own table, Demi Lovato, Kacey Musgraves, Megan Thee Stallion, and Erika De Casier form an alliance titled “Roc Girls Do It Better”.

Using her psychic telepathic ghostial mind powers, Demi forms another pact with Kacey and Ed Sheeran called “#WECANDOITEVENBETTER”

Honest Vocal Coach pulls Erika De Casier away from the Roc table and the two chat.

HVC, impressed with Erika's vocal range, forms an alliance with her called “Not Lambily”

Putting their differences aside due to their competitive natures taking over, Katy Perry and Troye Sivan form a pact while Lana Del Rey is unconscious in the vicinity.

They call their alliance: “Three Is Better Than Rih”

Amelia Lily approaches the first person that’s willing to speak to her, Harry Styles, and forces him into a pact: “Between Heaven and Harry” 

After their conversation, Amelia Lily forms an alliance with herself, called “Left Metacritic on Red” 

“Alright crew,” Doja says as she walks into the room. “Now that you’ve become acquainted with each other. It is time for roles to be assigned. Some are just titular, while others will have special perks. Let's get start-”

However, Gwen Stefani, sneaking in a slice of red velvet cake from Meghan Trainor, promptly takes a bit of it, gasp, wheezes out the words: "Blacks for Trump" and collapses onto the floor.

"It looks like we'll have to assign roles tomorrow, as the first murder has taken place." Doja says.

"Crew, you have 15 minutes to discuss amongst yourselves before you will all be called to vote. Best of luck."

"I blame Amelia Lily" Kesha says, not even taking a moment to talk before stumbling over to the voting booth and locking in her score for Amelia. 

"It wasn't me! It was Lana! See, Gwen had a memorial card of Ed Sheeran with her!" Amelia Lily tries to defend herself, going over and grabbing the card from Gwen's body.

"Girl fuck you." Lana Del Rey says, finally getting an icepack for her head.

The crew begins to argue with little resolve or progress given the lack of evidence.

"Alright crew, your 15 minutes is up. Get to your voting booths and begin to cast your votes."

Kesha, having already casted her vote for Amelia Lily, uses her free time to go piss girl. 

Harry Styles, misunderstanding that prompt and believing that he was supposed to vote for who's innocent, votes for himself. 

Demi Lovato, unsure of who to vote for and wanting to play it safe, decides to abstain.

"Froyo." The computer tells her in response.

Katy Perry immediately breaks her alliance with "Three is Better Than Rih" and votes to eject Troye Sivan

She is surprisingly joined by Honest Vocal Coach, who holds a grudge to him for not liking her album titled "Songs for My Pussy."

Sometimes backstabbers are fruits too, as Troye Sivan along with Grant Gustin immediately move to vote for Katy Perry 

Lana Del Rey, personally offended that Amelia Lily accused her of committing the murder, something she is vehemently against in her book: "3610 Poetic Rules of Being Briefly Gorgeous: The Pursuit of Being a Woman.", pulls Erika De Casier and Megan Thee Stallion

"Vote for Amelia and I won't speak to either of you again for the rest of the show."

Three votes for Amelia then come in. Meghan Trainor, distracted from the all of the events of the evening, is forced to go in and vote.

She votes for the person who most resembles food, that being Honest Vocal Coach

"I love ham."

We almost wrap up but forgot that Amelia Lily did not vote yet. For formality purposes we let her vote for Lana Del Rey

Kacey Musgraves also breaks into the voting booth, as we were afraid she's vote republican.

She puts in her tally for Lana Del Rey

Looks like she did vote republican after all.

4 - Amelia Lily
2 - Katy Perry
2 - Troye Sivan
2 - Lana Del Rey
1 - Honest Vocal Coach
1 - Harry Styles
1 - Abstain

"I'm sorry Amelia Lily, but the crew has voted, and you have been chosen to be ejected from the ship. Do you have any final comments?"

"I DO NOT DESERVE TO GO FIRST, LET ME FUCKING STAY OR I AM BOMBING THIS SHOW!!!"

We were going to let her have a peaceful exit, but after a threat like that, the local SWAT team is brought in and arrest Amelia before production of the show can continue.

In her place, a soggy pillow is placed into the ejection hold, and launched out of the ship.

That brings us to the end of the premier! Tune in next time where the remaining cast will be assigned their roles among the ship.

Thanks for watching.