Epic Movie

PLOT

Lucy finds that her adoptive father, a museum curator, has been attacked by Silas. Before dying, he gives clues that lead her to a "Golden Ticket" in a vending machine candy bar. During "comedic" situations, fellow orphans Edward, a disillusioned monk trainee; Susan, a displaced adopted girl; and Peter, a mutant at Mutant Academy who is often teased for his chicken-like wings, all find Golden Tickets. All four meet up at Willy's Chocolate Factory. Willy reveals his plot to use them all as a special ingredient in his treats.

Attempting to hide from the maniacal Willy, Lucy finds a wardrobe. On the other side, in the middle of a wintry forest, she finds Mr. Tumnus, who welcomes Lucy to Gnarnia and warns her of danger. The others follow Lucy to Gnarnia, and Edward meets the White Bitch. She convinces him to trap the other orphans in order to become the king of Gnarnia in her White Castle.

All four go to Tumnus' house, where they discover their relation to each other in a copy of the famous painting The Last Supper, and that the White Bitch killed their parents. They ally themselves with Harry Beaver, Tumnus' life partner, to defeat the White Bitch.

Edward sneaks off to the White Bitch's castle. When he refuses to reveal to her where the others are, she flashes him her breasts, hypnotizing him into giving up the information on the orphans, then imprisons him. The White Bitch sends Silas after the trio; Tumnus apparently sacrifices himself to ensure their safety.

Afterwards, the orphans meet a graying Harry Potter, along with a balding Ron Weasley and a pregnant Hermione Granger at Hogwarts. They all help Lucy, Susan, and Peter train for the war against the White Bitch.

Captain Jack Swallows helps Edward escape, only for Edward to find out it was a ruse as Jack, the Bitch's old enemy, needs intelligence out of Edward.

Upon finishing their training, Lucy, Susan, and Peter head to the camp of Aslo. Aslo agrees to help Edward and manages to kill Silas, but while breaking Edward out, he is slain by the White Bitch. As the orphans have a pre-battle party with their allies, Susan gets drunk and vomits everywhere, disgusting their army enough that nobody shows up to help the orphans the next day. The four siblings engage the White Bitch in battle and are killed. Peter then finds a magic remote and uses its powers to revive his siblings.

Together, they kill the army, defeat the White Bitch, and stop her plan. Peter declares the White Bitch will receive a fair and just trial in the new Gnarnia, but Jack's wheel accidentally crushes her to death. The four are crowned the new rulers of the land. Tumnus then shows up, having survived his battle. Decades later, the four now-elderly rulers find the wardrobe again and go through it. They appear moments after they had left, young again. They meet Borat, who congratulates them on a happy ending, but then, Jack's wheel accidentally runs over the quartet, killing them. Borat then says his iconic "NOT!" before turning around and clapping his buttocks, ending the film.

Extended version

The unrated, longer version (released in the United Kingdom as the "Rude & Crude Unseen Version") of the film features some scenes not shown in the theatrical version. In an alternate ending, Willy Wonka, instead of Borat, comes in and says: "I told you it was going to be an epic adventure." Willy Wonka then goes in the wardrobe and puts out a "do not disturb" sign that refers to the girl in the wardrobe. The Oompa-Loompas come in and start singing the Willy Wonka theme song. The four are then crushed by the wheel. Also, during the scene where Lucy is crushed under the junk that falls out of the wardrobe, the girl who runs out is nude, as opposed to wearing a bikini. In the Snakes on a Plane scene, when the Samuel L. Jackson lookalike yells, he replaces "goddamn" with "motherfuckin'".

CAST

Kal Penn ... Edward

Adam Campbell ... Peter Pervertsky

Jennifer Coolidge ... White Bitch

Jayma Mays ... Lucy

Faune Chambers Watkins ... Susan Pervertsky (as Faune Chambers)

Crispin Glover ... Willy Wonka

Tony Cox ... Bink

Héctor Jiménez ... Mr. Tumnus (as Hector Jimenez)

Darrell Hammond ... Captain Jack Swallows

Carmen Electra ... Mystique

Fred Willard ... Aslo

David Carradine ... Museum Curator

Kevin McDonald ... Harry Potter

George Alvarez ... Ron Weasley

Crista Flanagan ... Hermione Granger

Dana Seltzer ... Flight Attendant

Dane Farwell ... Albus Dumbledore

Tad Hilgenbrink ... Cyclops (as Tad Hilgenbrinck)

Jim Piddock ... Magneto

Vince Vieluf ... Wolverine (as Groovy)

Kahshanna Evans ... Storm

Lindsey Kraft ... Rogue

Jareb Dauplaise ... Nacho Libre

Rico Rodriguez ... Chanchito

Danny Jacobs ... Borat / Pirate with Eye Patch

David Lehre ... Ashton Kutcher

James Walker Sr. ... Samuel Jackson

Tysen Knight ... Kanye West (as Cordele Taylor)

Alla Petrou ... Paris Hilton

Gregory Jbara ... Mel Gibson

Jill Latiano ... Singing Pirate Girl

Abe Spigner ... Flavor Flav

Shawn McDonald ... P. Diddy Faun

Lauren Conrad ... Lauren Conrad

Katt Williams ... Harry Beaver (voice) (as Katt M. Williams)

Nick Steele ... Lead Archer

Brennan Thomas ... Woodsman

David J. Catching ... Aslo's Camp Band

Jesse Hughes ... Aslo's Camp Band

Brian O'Connor ... Aslo's Camp Band

Gene Trautmann ... Aslo's Camp Band

Kenny Yates ... Pirate with Heart

D.J. Dierker ... Pirate (as Daniel Joseph)

Taran Killam ... Pirate

Jeremy Rowley ... Pirate

Qiana Chase ... Pirate Wench

Jillian Grace ... Pirate Wench

Masha Lund ... Pirate Wench

Pollyanna Uruena ... Pirate Wench (as Pollyanna Salas-Uruena)

Sara Jean Underwood ... Pirate Wench (as Sara Underwood)

Olivia Hardt ... Cribs Faun

Zee James ... Cribs Faun

Ginny Jones ... Cribs Faun

Britten Kelley ... Cribs Faun

Arielle Vandenberg ... Cribs Faun

Heather Storm ... Aslo's Girl

Irina Voronina ... Jogging Girl

Audra Lynn ... Wardrobe Girl

Darko Belgrade ... James Bond

Brookelyn Freed ... Bond Girl (as Brooklyn Freed)

Michelle Lang ... Bond Girl (as Michelle Misty Lang)

Sabi Dorr ... Blacksmith

David Whatley-Zepeda ... Silas the Monk (as David Whatley)

Mike Grief ... Prison Guard

Mary Castro ... Breast Bite Woman

Ron Léroy ... Nose Bite Guy

Thomas Van Tassel ... Crotch Bite Guy

Lichelle D. Ebner ... Morphed Mystique

Paul Zies ... Thug

Roscoe Lee Browne ... Narrator (voice)

Ronald Lee Clark ... Oompa Loompa

Joe Gieb ... Oompa Loompa

Arturo Gil ... Oompa Loompa

Ricardo Gil ... Oompa Loompa

Michael Lee Gogin ... Oompa Loompa

Joseph S. Griffo ... Oompa Loompa

Pancho Moler ... Oompa Loompa

Mighty Mike Murga ... Oompa Loompa

Mark Povinelli ... Oompa Loompa

Jon Simanton ... Oompa Loompa

David Steinberg ... Oompa Loompa

John Tamaki ... Oompa Loompa

Kevin Thompson ... Oompa Loompa

Tyce Diorio ... Willy Dance Double

Richard Steelo Vasquez ... Curator Dance Double (as Richard Steeio Vasquez)

Megan Hiratzka ... Dancing Pirate Girl

Samantha Faye Lee ... Dancing Pirate Girl (as Samantha Lee)

Philip Albuquerque ... Breakdancing Pirate (as Philip 'Spee-D' Albuquerque)

Jaime Burgos III ... Breakdancing Pirate (as Jaime "Venum" Brugos III)

Oren Michaeli ... Breakdancing Pirate (as Oren 'Flearock' Michaeli)

Frankie DeMiranda ... Dancing Soldier

Chadd Smith ... Madd Chadd

Anwar Burton ... Michael Jackson

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

Epic Movie was nominated for three Golden Raspberry Awards, Worst Remake or Rip-off, Carmen Electra for Worst Supporting Actress, and Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer for Worst Screenplay.