With a creaking sound, the dragon carriage continued progressing.
Reclining on the driver’s stand, holding the reins solely for appearance’s sake, was Subaru, whose exhausted consciousness was hazy.
He was fatigued, he was affected greatly by his wounds, but more so than anything else was the large effect of his mental wounds.
His broken bones and his cut forehead had gone without treatment, and his dislocated left shoulder intermittently sent appeals in the form of pain. The feeling of his smashed teeth in his mouth was horribly unpleasant, and the blood, mud, urine, and filth chilled his skin by directly touching him through his torn clothes.
――Why had he survived, he wondered.
In the deep abyss of his vague consciousness, Subaru did not fall into dreams but rather thought.
Rem had protected them, he had lost her, Otto abandoned him, after clumsily begging for his life, even the White Whale left him alone, then he defenselessly wandered through the foggy night highway, and lastly he accidentally escaped.
After that point, he happened to meet with the dragon carriage, and together with the ground dragon that had lost its master he began advancing down the highway.
He had no idea where the hell this road continued towards.
Even when he had arrived at the end of the road, he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do.
He wanted to be protected, he wanted to be rescued, he wanted to be saved, his belief in those feelings were the only thing that drove him to continue moving. However, he did not want to look at the truth, but rather he only wanted to be deceived by pretty words.
He had realized that he could be frugal with his life and treat his body life a lump of meat.
Rem had been left behind to fight the White Whale, and so he had ordered Otto to turn back, but he refused and then acted like his mind had broken, but he had not been able to feel relief at this.
If even an existence like the Sword Saint was no match for it, returning to that place would have just led to them dying in vain. That was not what Rem wanted. ――However, she did not need to go back. She did not need to die.
That kind of thinking was not what he believed in.
However, in truth, Subaru hated that when he had been targeted by the White Whale he had begged for his life. Crying and screaming that he didn’t want to die, with urine spilling as he crawled and desperately ran.
At that time, Rem’s safety had not crossed his mind even a single time. It was ridiculous how he had single-mindedly grieved his own life without thinking of her.
As a result of having been able to narrowly avoid death, he now did not know what to do.
His breathing was just a waste of oxygen. For the sake of saving the life of a man like that, why had Rem done such a stupid thing as leaving the dragon carriage.
Subaru: “That… moron…”
Yet, she was nowhere to be found.
She had vanished along with the rest of the merchants, leaving Subaru completely alone.
Without waiting for Subaru’s indication, the ground dragon had guessed his intention and went to the highway.
At the end of this moderately paved road, was not the end of their journey. The path leading from wherever they ended up was proof of that.
Anywhere was fine.
Being brought anywhere was fine.
Feeling such a negligent feeling, Subaru finally set down the reins and stretched out on the driver’s stand. His gaze from where he laid fell on some of the damage caused by one of the cross shaped knives.
Having escaped from the fog, Otto must have encountered the followers of the Witch Cult, and these were the remnants of that surprise attack.
As it was, Subaru might have been following the same fate of being attacked by the Witch Cult that Otto had.
If such a scene were to take place before his eyes, he would probably end up begging for his life just as he had before the White Whale.
Even if the one he was begging to was Petelgeuse.
Subaru: “petel, geuse.”
With just that single word, when he tasted that name, Subaru realized that his heart was hollow.
He had slaughtered Rem, he had ridiculed Subaru, yet when he called out the name of the madman who was the root of all evil, yet it caused no ripple to be born in his heart.
Just a few hours earlier, he had been completely consumed in rage towards that man, and Subaru was willing from the bottom of his heart to devote all of his energy towards him.
Hatred let his legs continue moving, his anger let him continue moving forward towards that face, and he let himself exist solely for the intent to kill. ――That corrupted energy now was nowhere to be found.
Even his intent to kill, even his hatred had been lost, and now he didn’t know what to do.
Subaru: “What the hell, am I…”
The terribly high-pitched noise of the dragon carriage’s wheel creaking scratched at his eardrums.
Even through all his pain the noise caused him to frown, and Subaru lightly sat up.
Upon looking around, he found that the ground dragon had abruptly stopped. Naturally, the ground dragon’s movement was linked with the movement of the dragon carriage, and now nothing in the scene moved――,
Subaru: “A forest…?”
He was encircled by many trees, and found that the ground dragon had pushed its way through an overgrown woodland path over naked earth.
The fact that the morning sun had risen showed the passage of time, and upon looking up at the sunlight Subaru found that his body was covered in a light sunburn.
It seemed that his consciousness had slowly risen to the surface in response to his body soaking in that heat.
???: “――Oh, Subaru?”
Suddenly he heard an innocent high-pitched voice that called out Subaru’s name to his astonishment.
Bending himself, he looked down at the voice from the driver’s stand, there he confirmed the existence of the small figures of people lined up in a row.
???: “It really is Subaru!” “What happened, Subaru?” “You’re dirty, Subaru.” “You smell, Subaru.”
Upon recognizing Subaru, each and every one of them talked about his miserable state while pointing and starting to laugh.
However, this laughter did not bring Subaru any bad feelings, rather it only gave the feeling of having a friendly relationship.
Subaru: “You, guys…”
Seeing the familiar village children pointing at him, Subaru’s throat quivered.
He knew their faces. He had seen their faces multiple times over the past several days. However their faces no longer were contorted with pain and grief after they had passed away.
They lived in the village nearby the Roswaal Mansion, and wore brightly smiling faces.
Dumbfoundedly raising his head, Subaru turned his gaze towards the hill that the woodland path led towards.
At the white smoke, upon perceiving the proof of life, Subaru realized it.
――The thing he had wished for, that desired place, he had finally managed to reach it.
Having lost everything, having been overcome with despair, he had given up and resigned himself, yet he had made it in time.
Village Children: “Subaru?” “Huh, what’s wrong?” “L, look out!!”
The children raised their voices as they became anxious about him.
Having reached it, his body became no longer able to support his already heavy head.
His grunt of pain was cut off as his consciousness began to fade from the agony, yet he calmly and peacefully fell.
Village Child: “Ah, he’s fall――”
――Thus, he fell.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
――When Subaru awoke, he immediately happened to see a familiar white ceiling.
A crystal light had been installed on the plain ceiling, and the excessive number of decorations in the room was surprising and gave a true bourgeois feeling.
There was a pillow under his head that despite how much time had passed was unable to satisfy him with its firmness and height, and there was a sheet covering him up to his shoulders, these things quickly led him to understand that he had been put to rest in a bed.
What kind of horrible state had Subaru’s body been in if it was taking him this long for his consciousness to fully awaken? He slowly looked around and confirmed that it was the same room that he had previously lodged in. While doing that,
Subaru: “――Ah.”
On a chair next to the bed he was laying on, was a girl quietly sitting with her eyes cast down at a book.
She wore a primarily black aproned dress and upon her hair that reached to her shoulders was a white prim. Her cute, well-featured profile had been thoroughly erased of any emotion, and her stiffened beauty made the fact she overflowed with dignity clear.
The moment he noticed that figure, Subaru jumped into a sitting position and, before she could realize that he had gotten up, he took her hand, and was surprised.
Widening her eyes at the abruptness of Subaru’s actions, she looked at Subaru’s motionless face. That face and attitude, her movements and conduct, seeing the things he had desired brought Subaru relief,
???: “――What, why are you touching me so comfortably, Barusu?”
Coldly and curtly, with the feeling of her untangling their hands, at her tone of voice, his fantasy was shattered.
A reunion with the girl he had thought was lost, the moment he realized that the hair on her head was pink was the moment that he realized such a thing was fiction.
The girl Subaru had wanted to meet and the girl before him were like two peas in a pod, only the color of her hair revealed that she was the older twin.
Ram: “I understand, you were so happy to see Ram after a few days that your masculine instinct took over and you leapt at her. Beast.”
Directing a scornful gaze towards him, Ram moved her chair farther away from the bed. The coldness of her gaze and her words gave a sense that only her appearance was similar to her younger sister.
That it was not his desired reunion with her, at that Subaru once again realized his arrogance. Even that desire, he had thrown away even the qualifications for it.
Keeping silent, Subaru hung his head and bit his lip, causing Ram to frown at the puzzling situation.
To her, now that he had woken up he should have been giving greetings to a level that she could call him loose-lipped. If he was the usual Subaru he would have been speaking in a loud voice and giving over exaggerated reactions while messing around. In spite of that, he had put on a serious face and sunk into silence.
Ram: “Phew. ――I don’t really want to do something that isn’t a part of Ram’s character.”
With those words, Ram leaned in close and extended her arm towards the top of his head. And so, she slipped her fingers into Subaru’s short black hair, and began slowly combing it.
A quiet, calm rhythm, Subaru’s heartbeat slowed and he filled with compassion and sympathy; Ram had noticed unusual discomposure and had decided to help him.
Ram: “You have a face that says you’re thinking something rude, Barusu. Surprised?”
Subaru: “Surprised, is right… You seem like the type of person to pour salt in the wound while I’m dejected.”
Ram: “Even Ram can read the mood, after all, I am supposed to be an excellent maid. Teasing Barusu as he is now would be too vicious. I’ll stockpile it for next time and hit you with it all at once.”
Subaru: “I stand corrected, you really are horrible.”
He responded to Ram’s notice that she was ready to pounce the next time they met, but Subaru felt the affection vanish from her fingertips through his skin.
Their behavior and way of speaking, anything and everything was different, yet they were still sisters. Their consideration was the same, and Subaru felt his chest tighten.
He had to tell her, and so he couldn’t continue to avoid talking.
No, he wasn’t avoiding talking. He wasn’t able to talk about it.
Subaru: “Ah…”
How should he convey it, what was a good way to say it, while he was puzzling over these things, the fingers on his head pulled away, and a reluctant noise left his mouth. Her arm stopped as she was hit by that sound, and upon hearing that Ram’s eyes shone with mischief.
She made an awkward face at Subaru, and he looked at her eyes that housed that mischievous light,
Ram: “Were you hoping for more?”
Subaru: “I’m not a kid, you know. I don’t want more…”
Having said such a nasty thing and having heard his response Ram laughed scornfully, “Hah.” Seeing this girl’s mannerisms, he realized that about two weeks had passed since he had last seen her.
Ram: “Your crying face sure looked like a child’s, that’s for sure. Your stubbornness is like a toddler’s, too.”
Subaru was soaked in sentimentality from long ago, and Ram shrugged her shoulders while looking down at him and speaking. Like that, she watched Subaru for a period of time while he turned his mouth.
Ram: “Well then, Barusu.”
Subaru: “――Aah.”
In response, she moved her chair closer to Subaru, she sat directly in front of him and stared at him.
She gazed into the inside of his pupil as if trying to read his mind. The natural comfort of her mean nature changed, and after waiting for a beat,
Ram: “――Let’s hear your story.”
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Ram: “You were in a horrible state. You arrived in the village aboard an unknown dragon carriage, and you were all but dead and dirty, Barusu. Until I arrived at the village after receiving the villager’s call, I thought it was the start of a joke or something.”
Uninterested, Ram recounted the events that had led to her carrying him to the mansion. She pointed at Subaru who had been silently listening,
Ram: “You had a dislocated shoulder and a split forehead. Your broken rib has been joined, but you were unreasonably injured. Your clothes were covered in blood and mud so I disposed of them. ――I kept quiet about you wetting your pants when talking to Emilia-sama.”
Subaru: “...Ah, thanks.”
Ram shrugged her shoulders and had a bored face in response to Subaru’s hoarse reply.
With the pretext of her as she is now, he guessed it was her way of showing her true feelings, and it cleared up the necessary question of how he got here.
Ignoring her true intentions, Ram had confirmed that Subaru’s injuries were healed. He could move his left shoulder without any dull pain accompanying it, and the uncomfortable feelings on his forehead and in his chest no longer remained. The use of healing magic brought up all kinds of problems.
Subaru: “The person, who healed my injuries…”
Ram: “It was Emilia-sama.”
Ram easily understood Subaru’s fears and answered him.
She relaxed her lowerback and arms before prefacing with, “There was no other way,” while shifting her attention to Subaru who hung his head and was enveloped with grief.
Ram: “At first I asked Beatrice-sama to do it, but she refused. She is hard to please, and I’m sure you understand the danger of upsetting her.”
Subaru: “So, you asked Emilia to do it, then?”
Ram: “She asked to do it herself.”
Having put his hand on his shoulder, Subaru fearfully asked and Ram coldly answered. The low temperature of her gaze caused Subaru’s shoulders to tremble, and upon seeing Subaru’s miserable display, Ram let a sigh spill from her lips,
Ram: “Ram does not know what happened between Emilia-sama and Barusu at the Royal Capital. I could take an approximate guess, but I have not heard a detailed explanation of what happened. I don’t care to know. Seeing your reaction just now seems to have reinforced the idea that Barusu is good for nothing.”
Subaru: “How harsh.”
Ram: “I believe it’s a suitable evaluation? At the very least, have the courage to step forward and say the difficult things you want to say; bite at the opportunity to change the subject instead of continuing to delay it, wuss.”
Having completely seen through his state of mind, Ram gave a small sniff.
Seeing her hit the bullsey so mercilessly, Subaru could not even let out a groan.
He understood what she wanted to hear. In any case, Subaru had unexpectedly returned home without an expected existence next to him. By all rights, he should unhesitatingly cut into the subject.
Yet he continued without speaking, and rather Subaru willingly waited to speak due to her kindness, or perhaps due to intensity. ――Most likely, it was due to her kind yet severe thoughtfulness.
He would end up acting like a spoiled child forever at this rate.
Subaru arrived at that kind of a conclusion. Above all else, he could not help not wanting to talk. That was the case.
So, he gasped in surprise when, in the middle of letting his gaze wander around, in the middle of such a cowardly attempt to buy time, his arm was twisted and his whole body was pinned to his bed; he finally took a hoarse breath and,
Subaru: “――Rem, she died.”
The moment he said it, something felt like it collapsed within Subaru’s chest.
Within the depths of his chest, continuously a heavy mass had been stuck, and the moment he said those words that form slowly dropped into his stomach and began to claim his existence.
What the hell was that mass, and why had his cheeks begun to feel hot to the touch?
That sadness, and that regret, and that pleading for her not to lose her life.
Until just now, he had seen it as nonsense and refused to recognize it, but now he finally understood it; he had finally swallowed that difficult truth, and his heart and body melted into understanding.
――He, had lost Rem.
His tears spilled over and began to pour.
And so he noticed. He finally noticed. Over and over Subaru had let Rem die. Subaru had let her die, she had truly experienced death, and including the previous loops at the mansion, she had died four times. Four times, he finally noticed that he had let her die four times.
For her death, for her sake, Subaru finally shed tears.
Just because he had shed tears for her, it did not permit Subaru’s actions.
She had risked her life to buy him time when he was idle, she had dedicated herself to killing her opponent without begging for her life. Subaru was unable to run away from that truth.
From his own ugliness, he was not able to turn his gaze and run away, at least, not after she had fully dedicated herself to him――,
Subaru: “I… wasn’t able to, do anything. On the highway, the fog… the White Whale appeared. So, Rem let me get away… but I lost sight of the other dragon carriages, and I was left alone in the fog… and in the end…”
He could not finish speaking.
His sobs mixed with words without spinning any proper sentences, and the beginning and end of his story did not mesh. Seeming excuses did not stop spilling, and it felt like he was polluting Rem’s last moments; without collecting himself, Subaru shut his mouth and resigned himself to the forceful words that were sure to come.
He recognized his sin. He wanted to be punished. For that, without a proper explanation――
Ram: “Who is Rem?”
――――.
――――――――.
――――――――――――.
He, didn’t, understand, what, she, said.
Subaru: “Ah, e, oh… hah?”
Without drawing a conclusion to her words, Subaru asked a question in an idiotic voice in turn.
”Who is Rem,” what kind of meaning did those words hold?
However, Ram looked at Subaru’s face in confusion, and in response to his comical question, answered again,
Ram: “I asked who this Rem is, Barusu?”
Her eyebrows moved in response to her younger twin sister’s name, and she once again asked who she was.
Subaru: “W, what do you mean, ‘who’... Why would you say such a stupid thing…! You, she’s your, that’s the name of your younger sister!? Rem? Rem. Rem!”
Ram: “Ram’s younger sister…”
Putting a finger against her lips, Ram closed her eyes in order to earnestly think.
Seeing that gesture that showed she was attempting to think, Subaru felt an unbearable frustration. He wanted to yell at her and ask what she was doing, he wanted to immediately throw her into the fog that had hung over the highway.
And, after a moment of silence,
Ram: “Ram’s sister, Rem. Aah…”
Subaru: “Do you remember!?”
Jumping and throwing out an interjection, Subaru felt as if he had discovered a bright hope. But, Ram gave Subaru a single nod, and directed a cruel, sour gaze at him,
Ram: “It’s highly unlikely that that is true. Ram has always been alone. I have never had a younger sister.”
Without a meaningful demeanour, she clearly declared it so.
Subaru shook his head at her attitude and muttered, “That’s stupid,”
Subaru: “What, did, you say…”
Ram: “――Ram does not have a little sister.”
Her tone of voice was veiled, her emotions were unreasonably frozen over, her expression was far away, and she was horribly cool-headed as she spoke.
――Within her, her younger twin sister’s existence truly had disappeared.
Subaru: “If Rem didn’t exist, then what happened with the witch beasts in the forest! Rem, you, and me, we… the Juggernauts…”
Ram: “Something is really wrong with you, Barusu. It was annoying, but you eradicated half of the Juggernaut group, after which Ram and Roswaal-sama’s power was used… So, where does this long-lost sister of mine fit into this?”
Despite Subaru’s obstinate protests, Ram was not even trying to recognize Rem.
It was as if the conclusions to the occurrence of the repeated days at the mansion that she and Subaru received were different.
The memories returned as if Subaru were throwing up blood: moving forward with Rem, protecting Rem, rashly moving to the forest with Ram in order to save her, and the feeling of his soul burning with emotion as he put his life on the line. Within her, those events that had occurred had been painted over with lies.
He didn’t understand the meaning of it. Why she had replied in that manner was incomprehensible.
Subaru: “This, is a bad joke… This, is my worst nightmare…”
Ram: “Ram is serious at all times. If anyone is dreaming it’s you, Barusu.”
Subaru: “Don’t joke――!”
Feeling utterly helpless and frustrated at Ram’s attitude, Subaru thrust aside the bed sheets and rose from the bed. Still, his strength had not been returned through the surgery and his lower half staggered, yet he managed to cut through it via his fury and raised his head, thus avoiding the unsightly future where he fell down.
Ram: “Barusu, if you stand up now…”
Subaru: “Shut the fuck up! Be quiet… be quiet!”
The arm Ram extended towards Subaru as he staggered froze. He roughly smacked away her extended arm and took a few steps back as if ascertaining that he wouldn’t fall, before running out of the room.
Subaru had been put to rest in the employee area on the second floor within his allotted private room. There were many already-prepared employee rooms, as a matter of fact, this part of the mansion was only used by three people, almost all of the rooms were unoccupied.
On that same floor, Subaru knew how many unoccupied rooms there were, so he ignored the rooms near his door and ran past them.
Orienting himself towards the stairwell, he aimed for the floor above with quick steps. En route,
Ram: “Your stamina has not returned, if you unreasonably continue like this, you’ll collapse and trouble Ram.”
Ram threw those words at him from behind as she followed him, but Subaru squared his shoulders as he walked and turned a deaf ear to them. It took him longer than usual to climb the stairs, and as he ran down the mansion’s third floor he made multiple mistakes, and ended up having to run from room to room.
The employee rooms were on the third floor, and the third room from the west stairs――there, Subaru would be able to embrace his memories and leave behind the idea that this was not a nightmare or delusion.
Before a room, he grabbed a door knob and pushed the door open in one go.
He hesitated to enter. His heart was frightened of entering a place he had not spent time before. ――Rather, he wasted time in distress.
Without knocking he fully entered the room, within, was a modestly decorated yet girly room――,
Subaru: “...A lie.”
There was, nothing there at all.
Within the room he had stepped into, the bed was set up exactly the same as a vacant room, and a small desk had been placed in the room. Her room certainly was simple, but there was nothing within the room as if there was nothing significant about it.
Subaru: “This is…”
Looking around within the room, an incredible feeling rushed out from within Subaru. Ignoring Ram as she wordlessly watched him while leaning against the doorway, he entered the hallway and counted to rooms again. From the stairwell he counted three rooms, he had not made a mistake in counting, even in the first place he had not counted wrong. He shut his eyes as he confirmed it.
――And yet, how had it happened?
Ram: “Barusu, have you calmed down?”
Ram assumed that Subaru had reached some kind of conclusion.
Ram calmly asked Subaru’s profile, which was astonished that he had not found what he wanted, a question. To that facial expression blotted with pathetic feelings, to the point that it was an unthinkable expression, she asked it out of concern for Subaru.
Feeling that keenly, Subaru was unable to come to a conclusion.
Subaru: “Rem… here…”
Ram: “――That person, has never existed at this mansion.”
Shaking her head, Ram looked directly into Subaru’s clouded eyes, said, “And,” before taking a breath and,
Ram: “Ram, has never had anything like a younger sister.”
At this time, as if a finishing blow, she once again said it.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
――In regards to Rem’s death, Subaru had to carry the duty of informing others of it.
Rem had thrown away her life for Subaru’s sake. Subaru could not help bearing that duty. Instead of throwing down that heavy duty and running away, he had, finally, started trying to move forward.
Subaru: “I…”
Even the right to beg for forgiveness, he did not have. Subaru would push away everything and everything. He would leave everyone behind.
Without thinking about whether Emilia would approve of his actions, he realized that he would never be able to close the gap between them.
For Subaru Rem had let herself be abandoned, she had heroically, over and over, scattered her life. If he had to bear responsibility for that life, then he would bear it even if the world tried to take it away from him.
Time, the world, the Witch Cult, the White While, they all were obstacles to Subaru’s wish.
He didn’t know what happened. He didn’t know what went wrong.
He didn’t know why the world was so cold to him, he didn’t know why everyone’s memories betrayed him.
That was,
That was――.
Ram: “Barusu, let’s return to your room.”
Ram called out to Subaru, who was single-mindedly standing straight upright with his thoughts at a standstill.
Leaning in close to him, she pushed his back towards the stairs,
Ram: “You must be imagaining these incomprehensible things because you’re tired. Let’s return to your room so you can lie in bed and continue your dream. You can call for Ram if something bad happens. Because you’re Barusu, I won’t mind if you call.”
While he was swallowed up in shock, Ram’s judgement of Subaru was severe. Without saying anything consoling while being so near, she solely moved towards completing her duty.
While strongly pushing his back, Ram pushed against Subaru’s opposition as they moved towards the stairs. From there, she distanced herself and moved away from him, turning her head back to say, “Return to your room, then go to sleep,” as an indication that she would allow no protest. Then, she left, leaving Subaru alone in the corridor.
Unsteadily, he swayed as he walked in the direction of his room as Ram had said. As instructed, he would return to his room and lay down on his bed to sink into his consciousness, so that he would be able to ignore everything and forget about his feeling of loneliness.
He would surely have a bad dream. Within his dreams, he would get into bed in order to dream, and he would aim for a dream that had a funny story that would oppose his bad dreams; something like that did not seem bad.
Above everything else, if he shifted his consciousness into sleeping he would hopefully be able to say goodbye to the dronning churning noise inside his cranium.
Running away sounded nice. Running away, running away, running away running away running away, until he returned to this place. In the same way, on the roads leading up to this place, he had run away, continued running away, and if he ran away――,
Subaru: “Running away… how would I…”
With a murmur, Subaru’s foot stopped just before it stepped down the staircase.
He wanted to run away, but he pulled back his foot that was trying to step down in order to run; Subaru lightly raised his chin, and shifted his attention in the exact opposite direction.
He couldn’t run away. Again, Subaru was about to betray Rem.
She protected Subaru, she gave her everything to set him free from the White Whale.
She did it so he could accomplish his goal. Subaru’s goal was to keep the Witch Cult’s evil clutches away from the people residing in this mansion.
Now, at this place, he had wanted to throw away even his goal in order to escape from his consciousness.
Subaru: “Even begging for forgiveness, isn’t as cowardly…”
Turning his head, he turned his back on the stairs he had been about to go down.
It was because progress had shown itself this time that he could not hesitate. Subaru went past the room of the girl whose existence had been completely erased, towards the stairs that Ram had left for. It was only from there could he cut through the roof and face the next floor where Subaru’s reason for returning waited.
He finally arrived at the staircase with slow and firm steps, where he verified that it went farther up. He went up the spiral staircase and cut straight to the door that led to a certain room.
In the moment that he laid his hand on the doorknob did Subaru notice that his heart’s palpitations were strangely quiet.
Previously, when he had stepped into the lost girl’s room his heart had throbbed, however, now it beat at a strangely slow rhythm. Perhaps rather than being calm, his heart was beating so fast that he was unable to tell fast from slow.
Either way,
Subaru: “Lend me your courage, Rem――”
When he spoke that name, a small amount of power rose up in his hand.
He turned the heavy, unyielding door’s knob, and threw the hard-shut door open such that it seemed it was light.
And, on the other side of the door, a girl sitting at a desk turned only her neck towards him,
Girl: “――Subaru?”
Upon hearing a voice like silver bells call out his name, Subaru shut his eyes.
It was horribly difficult to put the taste of the deep feelings that began in his chest and spread throughout his entire body into words, and feeling that, Subaru realized.
――He had returned, in order to hear this girl’s voice again.
Her silver hair swayed, and her almost transparent white skin held her dark purple eyes. Sorrow blotted that fleeting beauty, and as she――as Emilia stood, she spoke.
Emilia: “...Why, did you come back?”
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
――He was unable to not hear the weak voice, and the contents of her words nearly took away Subaru’s consciousness.
Emilia’s lips trembled, and the light in her pupils had no strength. To Subaru it felt like two weeks had passed, however in reality only about a week had gone by――even though they had only been separated by that small amount of time, Subaru felt as if her figure was just a little smaller.
It seemed like she had lost some weight since the day they had parted. Her voice and eyes were colored dark with fatigue, giving him the impression that she might not have been sleeping.
To such an extent he had driven her to a corner, free from any other interference, Emilia had been cornered. Subaru had an idea in mind for the reason behind that. It was precisely because Subaru had returned to Emilia.
So,
Subaru: “Let’s go, we can’t stay here.”
Rushing ahead, Subaru ignored Emilia’s question and extended a hand to her.
At that overbearing attitude Emilia weakly widened her eyes and took a small step away from Subaru to maintain distance from him. Having not expected her to withdraw, Subaru frowned and shook his head at Emilia,
Emilia: “We’re going… somewhere? Why?”
Subaru: “We have to go somewhere other than here. If you want to know why I’m here, it was for you…”
Emilia: “Again, what is it?”
Emilia replied to Subaru’s answer with a despairing voice.
Her dark purple eyes were faintly wet with tears, and Subaru held his tongue after meeting her glare,
Emilia: “You suddenly came back covered in wounds, I was worried about you. ――You’re supposed to be at the royal capital receiving treatment from Ferris, right? So why, are you here now?”
Subaru: “All kinds of things happened! I would love to explain it all, but we don’t have the time for it. Please, just do as I say. Together, let’s go…”
Emilia: “Did you not understand what I said? I, can’t trust you if you don’t talk… just talk.”
Obstinately shaking her head, Emilia refused Subaru with a shaking voice. Above anything else, it seemed that this was just progressing into a repeat of their argument in the foyer at the Royal Capital.
If he wasn’t able to make Emilia understand how desperate he was then they wouldn’t be able to understand each other.
But still,
Subaru: “If you really hate me that much then force me to leave. If you do that, then in a few days you’ll understand that despite your hate I was right. So…!”
Emilia: “Wait, please hold on, Subaru. What’s going to happen? That kind of thing isn’t what I want. I… Subaru… to me…”
Subaru: “It would all be fine if you would just shut up and do what I tell you to!!”
The moment he shouted, Emilia’s small shoulders trembled.
Seeing Emilia with wide distrustful eyes before him, Subaru yelled with great force, and then took a rough breath and intensely glared at Emilia.
Subaru: “Staying at this place is no good. You will regret it. Absolutely. No one else wanted to help. They’re all worthless. I don’t want you to suffer, so quit crying already.”
Emilia: “You, why aren’t you talking…? Subaru, I don’t understand.”
Subaru: “Shut up! All of you… you, just do as I say and it’ll all be fine! If you do that it’ll turn out well. Just like that! Why doesn’t anyone understand…!”
Tearing at his hair, Subaru forgot that he was with Emilia, and began vomiting out and lining up curses filled with his resentment for all of the absurd things he had run into.
With his temper rising, Subaru raised his voice in a way that seemed to not let Emilia understand what he was saying. However, Subaru knew that this place was anywhere but the place to let these things spill. All of the absurdity he had encountered――none of it had come from this girl, and so, he stopped vomiting.
Looking at Subaru, Emilia faintly cast her eyes down and made a teary appeal.
And then, she muttered, “I’m sorry,” in a small voice,
Emilia: “Subaru, I don’t understand what you’re saying to me. You aren’t letting me understand. I want to understand, but you’re saying we don’t have enough time. You’re saying all kinds of bad things are coming, but…”
Subaru: “It won’t work.”
Interrupting her words, Subaru trampled on Emilia’s thoughts with a short phrase.
Taking a small breath, Emilia refused to accept Subaru’s spiteful words and repeatedly blinked her eyes. Subaru got the feeling that, in her current state, she was beginning to understand the whole picture. Once she began thinking about everything, he would dishearten her sympathetic feelings.
Subaru would continue bringing about that cruel, brutal yet sweet feeling.
Subaru: “It won’t go well. You aren’t good enough. You’ll fail. You won’t be able to do it. You aren’t good enough at all. You’re just talking, you won’t do anything. You won’t be able to save everyone. It’s hopeless. Absurd and reckless things will pile up, and you will see the same number of mountains of corpses. ――That, is your future.”
It was dark, hideous, lowly, abhorrent――and it brought him pleasure.
His words, each one separately shook her eardrums, her pained expression, her cracked heart, the feeling of inserting a knife into her thoughts.
At that moment, he upturned everything. At the time that moment took place, when he held Emilia’s everything out of reach above her head, he felt a dark joy.
Disregarding her decisions, laughing away her readiness, viciously interrupting her actions, scoffing at her past idleness, and sentencing her to a future of absolute darkness.
Looking at Emilia as he toyed with her, Subaru――
Emilia: “Why?”
Emilia muttered just a single word.
At Subaru’s cruel words, at him telling her of the future that only held darkness, those words caused her face to stiffen with grief. However, her dark purple eyes were not clouded over.
The questionable brightness that the world reflected within possessed――that is to say, the reflection of Subaru that filled her eyes, looking at that,
Emilia: “Why, Subaru, are you crying with such a painful expression?”
――While shedding tears, he noticed the warped smile that had floated up.
Subaru: “――――”
The understanding of everything he had gone through to return hit him.
Shedding tears, if he thought back on trampling on Emilia’s thoughts one-by-one with his words, unexpectedly, his words detailed everything that was weighing on Subaru himself.
His decisions, his readiness, his actions, his past, his future, Subaru had similarly denied those things.
He recognized how futile those thoughts were. He understood that it was because he felt obligated to hurry up that he was unable to do anything. He didn’t understand why no one understood anything. He didn’t understand, but even if he did,
Subaru: “I… I was able to return here… no, for Rem’s sake, who I dragged into this, for her sake, I have to do it…”
Emilia: “Rem?”
Subaru’s words faltered. While he was forming his sentence, Emilia heard a certain word and tilted her head.
Upon feeling the word leave her mouth she clearly confirmed that she did not know the meaning behind it,
Subaru: “――You too.”
Emilia: “Huh?”
Subaru: “You also, forgot Rem――”
Her older sister had forgotten about her existence, evidence of her existence had vanished from her room, and even the fact that saving her was the reason she had turned around and risked her life, everyone had failed to commit that person to memory.
Her daily life, her time, her thoughts, her way of life, her desires, all had vanished.
That smiling face, that anger, those tears, that touch, that person’s composition, her everything, all had been disregarded.
Subaru: “――All right, everything, I’ll tell you everything.”
Those words rushed out of his mouth as if breaking through with his doubts.
A small voice of surprise floated from Emilia at Subaru’s words. She raised her eyes and looked at Subaru as if asking for confirmation that it was he who had spoken.
If that girl’s thoughts, her everything, was to vanish,
Subaru: “I’ll reveal everything, even if I need to vomit blood to do so.”
He had decided.
To lay bare everything, to speak the truth, to expose his heart.
Subaru shifted his gaze, and Emilia gasped.
Subaru took the hand of the girl before him and placed it on his chest. His heartbeat was fast. He wanted her to understand the dread he felt towards what was about to occur as a result of his coming actions.
That pain. The pain that felt like it could drive him mad.
To have his heart played with in a way that felt like it was being crushed, being unable to shout despite the pain, and not knowing when it would end as time stretched infinitely.
Yet he thought. In this way he thought.
He had nothing to do with it. He didn’t give a damn. That pain, that pain was nothing in comparison to her pain.
Not being able to believe, not being able to understand. Above all, if Rem was able to bear the pain of having everyone forget her existence, then surely he could withstand this pain.
――It was fine if it came. He would give his heart to it.
Subaru: “Emilia. I, have seen the future. I know it. How to win, I… I can 『Return by”
While confiding everything in her, the moment those words passed his lips time stagnated as expected.
The path was clear, the movement of the world gradually slowed, and stopped. Just after that, the scenery turned pale and all sound vanished. The sound of the wind, the sound of breathing, the sound of his heart beating, it all gradually faded away and did not return.
His five senses left his consciousness, and Subaru was isolated from the world.
――However, its goal was not to isolate Subaru, and the affectionate hand slowly appeared.
It was quietly born in the black mist, however as it glided it took on the form of an arm.
Until now, it had always clearly taken the form of a right arm. But despite that this time it also took the form of a left arm, and before Subaru the shape continued up until its shoulders.
Both arms approached Subaru, the left arm, as usual, moved lovingly towards him. The remaining right arm glided towards his chest, it slipped through his ribs, and finally arrived at his heart.
A quiet fear of the coming pain began budding in Subaru’s soul.
If the shadow’s actions up until this point stayed consistent, then it would soon begin toying with his heart. It would begin prying at his heart, and perhaps the pain would take a different form this time.
Whenever the pain was finally bestowed upon him, Subaru’s throat would be unable to move in order to scream. His teeth would refuse to move.
The pain, the dread, even if it was an unknown torment, Subaru would be unable to turn his head towards it.
Otherwise he would not allow it to be repaid. Otherwise he would not permit it.
Everyone in the world had forgotten about that girl’s existence, even if Subaru begged for forgiveness for causing her death, no one other than his own soul would be able to grant him it.
No matter what pain and anguish he was hit with, it was okay.
Instead of Subaru vomiting up everything he had experienced, he would take back everything he had lost. Then, the black mist would leave.
If he put on a brave face, too much would be lost.
Up until this point, Subaru had never made such a firm decision.
――That decision, that readiness, was easily smashed to pieces.
Subaru glared at the black, misty hand as he held his breath in anticipation for what was to come. However, the mist completely knocked away Subaru’s spite. It was precisely because he was anticipating it, that he was ready for the pain, that it did not happen.
Within the world where time had stagnated, a war of attrition had begun that would last until his mind was unable to bear it any longer. When his restless vigor was unthinkably broken, when he failed, he naturally understood that he would be swallowed up by his desired end. ――That kind of thinking, was naive.
How many hours, how many days, had he put up with this situation?
It was an elegant way of avoiding his death. If he didn’t reach the conclusion where he died, he would never have to face the pain.
That was how prepared Subaru was――,
Subaru: “――Ah?”
Abruptly, the frozen world’s color began to return.
The pain that shadow brought had not yet come, yet it had vanished. When Subaru was left behind, sound, color, and time returned to the world.
His breathing, his heartbeat, the sounds of the world starting to move surrounded Subaru, and it felt like Subaru was being laughed at by how everything was overrun with『Correctness.』
Not understanding the black mist’s true intentions, Subaru blinked his eyes over and over.
However, he doubted that it was a mistake, and so after blinking his eyes he stayed vigilant and ready for the world to once again stagnate, but the world’s color never changed.
To Subaru’s vigilance, the black mist’s actions seemed clumsy.
He didn’t understand it, but while he could just laugh it off, he had the feeling that such an action could potentially have the unexpected outcome of calling it back.
Even now, the feeling of the black mist’s right hand’s grip on his tender heart remained.
At about this time, that tight grasp――,
Subaru: “――――”
While thinking to such an extent, Subaru suddenly harbored a doubt.
The right hand’s grasp on his heart, Subaru had memorized the feeling of it scheming to break his heart. However, after the beginning when the left hand had touched his cheek, it had left his consciousness――,
Emilia: “――Phew”
Rather than a reply to his doubts, a mutter came from Emilia.
Her voice brought Subaru’s consciousness back to reality, and Subaru could not help that his mouth did not remember what words it was about to say.
It felt entirely like a dream, it did not feel real when the stillness trembled, and Subaru questioned whether what he had done changed the situation for the better.
Currently, the curse that bound time when Subaru tried to explain the state of affairs had ended.
Confiding everything, sharing his knowledge of the future, for the sake of everyone’s wishes and his desired world, he would once again do so――,
Subaru: “Ah.”
Suddenly, Emilia’s body pitched forward and leaned against Subaru.
Instinctively, he moved his arms and caught her. Her warm, soft touch on his palm made Subaru slightly tremble――,
Drip.
Subaru: “――Huh?”
Drip, drip, drip.
Subaru: “――emilia?”
Drip drip drip.
In his arms, from Emilia’s mouth, blood overflowed.
――While the right arm was touching his heart, where had the left vanished?
While she rested on Subaru’s shoulder, Emilia did not stop vomiting blood. The overflowing vast quantity of fresh blood stained Subaru’s body a deep red, and her body began to feel light.
Subaru: “Sto…huh? Wai… ah?”
He tried to move her head in an attempt to stop the blood, but at that feeble movement, her neck loosely hung from her shoulders, and seeing that the light was gone from her eyes, he understood everything.
――Just now, before Subaru’s eyes, Emilia’s life,
Subaru: “oooooaaaaAAAAAAAA――!!!!!”
His scream echoed.
He screamed, he screamed such that his throat tore, the thing he had not noticed before, with this scream that cut his throat, that tore it apart, he had understood.
Within his arms, Emilia’s body, was powerless and light.
She had not stopped vomiting blood. Subaru’s body had turned red; it had so, so quickly turned red.
――At the same time that the right hand touched Subaru’s heart, the left hand touched Emilia’s.
His decision, his readiness, his actions, the past, the future, it had trampled on everything while laughing.
His firm determination, it smashed the readiness that he did not want to be broken, it smashed it into pieces, driving Natsuki Subaru into a deep abyss of despair.
――The loud, loud remnants of his scream, did not fade.
Subaru had, in the end, in the end,
――Killed Emilia.