JANE'S MHSP ARCHIVES: 2010

Domestic Violence and the Double Language Barrier

We’re big supporters of A Window Between Worlds, which uses art as a healing tool to help women and children in domestic violence situations. In recent years we’ve focused our giving specific to children’s programs – I believe that children are the key to breaking the chain of violence.

I attended the “advocate huddle” last night and heard about a 5 year old little girl who began cutting herself to deal with her pain of witnessing her mom getting beat up. She also saw her dad point a gun at her mom when the mom was ready to leave (usually the most dangerous time for the abused person is right when she is leaving, because the abuser will do whatever it takes to keep the victim). The counselor used the “broken crayons” workshop to help the little girl stop cutting and to start expressing her anger and pain through art and therapy.

We did get a “taste” of this “broken crayons” workshop last night at the dinner – first we’d pick up a crayon that matched how we felt and we’d get out that feeling using the crayon on paper. Then we’d pick up a crayon that matched the positivity we felt and we’d get that feeling out on paper. I really rubbed hard on paper with my crayons! I had bits and specks of crayon flying all over the place, I was drawing so hard… it was really awesome

Last year we donated enough to support 1 shelter to hold weekly art workshops for its women and children for an entire year. We got a thank you letter as well as feedback from the workshop leader and some participants. Our funds went to sup…port the Center for the Pacific Asian Family.

The workshop leader who facilitated the “Monster in Me” art program said, “This was the first week that the participants were able to express emotions other than ‘happy’. Sometimes the language barrier makes it difficult for the children to discuss their feelings. It was great to see them create their own monsters with emotions.”

I said to the advocate group last night that in the Asian culture where I come from, we were expected to be “perfect”. We usually were never “good enough”, or perfect enough. So that language barrier we face is not only literal (i.e English language barrier) but deeply cultural. For example, depression is still seen as a character weakness, not a biochemical illness.

Also, we weren’t supposed to “talk about our feelings” – many Asian parents will not recognize or acknowledge such notions. That’s just so… “weak” and “useless” and “Westernized”. We don’t say “I love you” – we don’t believe in that type of symbolism – it was “a given” based on our parents’ sacrifices for us. We kids were EXPECTED to know that our parents loved us no matter what they did. As for abuse of ANY kind – that is a secret best left unsaid and buried… in the Asian culture. It is more common to blame the victim for bringing it onto herself than to blame the abuser.

At the end of the dinner one of the advocates came up to me. She said, “thank you so much for sharing what you’d said. I work with a Chinese woman and I love her but she is very hard to reach. Sometimes I feel like I’m pulling my hair out! But then I remember that maybe it’s cultural. What you’d said gave me pause, and it was a good reminder for me the next time I feel like she is hard to reach.”

Here are some more feedback from participants at the shelter we supported through our donation last year:

“I would like to tell my family and my mom that I am sad.” – age 11 participant

“It would make my monster feel better if the person who made me mad would say they were sorry.” – age 10 participant

“I get so mad there’s fire in my hair!” – age 9 participant

Thanksgiving…

I’m thankful for all that I have,

including my self-awareness,

family, friends,

and business colleagues.

I’m grateful to be blessed,

sometimes I still pinch myself

wondering what I’d done

to get so lucky.

This Emotional Life – PBS Series

I’m pleased with the number of recent PBS series that are dealing with mental health and emotional health topics. This evening I caught part of the first show in the series of “This Emotional Life” and watched stories on attachment (parent-children relationships), friendships, bullying, and love relationships.

I caught part of the segment on parent-child relationships and the importance of early attachment between a newborn and a parent on the baby’s subsequent ability to form attachments in social relationships. I think the message in some of the social studies presented literally teaches us how true is the saying “children are our future”. How we treat our children and take care of them and relate to them and model behaviors for them becomes their template on how to relate to themselves and other human beings. I can’t help but wonder how the most sure way of anyone “changing the world” is by having that positive influence in a young life – babies and children.

The part about bullying was captivating – particularly because today there are more ways to bully (i.e. internet bullying) and we have simply become more sophisticated and smarter at bullying. We have learned how to be more cruel emotionally. I took away three key messages from that segment: one is how important it is for bystanders to NOT be bystanders (indeed, evil happens because all the good people stood by watching!), the other is the link between “popularity” and bullying and how so-called “popular kids” are also doing a lot of the bullying. There was a third message that was surprising to me – but made total sense – bullying does NOT thicken a child’s skin and in fact, makes that child more vulnerable. So that saying about “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger?” It’s not true when “what” is bullying.

I think it’s because bullying is more than just a one-on-one dynamic. Bullying is a systematic victimization of one person who then gets additionally victimized by those who stood by watching and not intervening. Even the happiest most outgoing “fun” kid will get bullied to the point of suicide – this was what happened with a boy named Jeffrey who hung himself after being repeatedly harassed and bullied by another boy at school. We have ideas of how certain kids get bullied, but this is not true, anyone can be a victim, including those who seem to have great personalities and friends. This makes it all the more important for friends to stick up for each other, and for “good people” to intervene. Because the truth is – any one of us can fall victim and we would be counting on someone else to stick up for us too.

Those of us who have experience with emotional traumas and with mental health issues like depression can appreciate the additional complexity this takes when we first are managing our relationships with ourselves. Sometimes we have to figure out how to manage our own emotions first before we can deal with reading other people’s emotional cues. Some of us feel other people’s emotions with such intensity that we can get overwhelmed and even internalize that intensity and we start feeling those emotions as if they were our own. In the end, much of our emotional strength as human beings are formed through our relationships with others. It makes this series worthwhile to watch.

I’m looking forward to catching the second episode in the series tomorrow night. If you have watched this show – let me know what you think and whether a particular story touched you by leaving a comment below!

Emotional Abuse in the Workplace

Note: I have disguised the situations and parties involved to protect the victims! This is based on a true story.

A journalism professional has a monster boss. Actually, this boss is an equal-opportunity monster boss, because he is mean to many people, not just the journalist.

The boss would give the journalist the crappiest assignments with a lot of research work, so that the journalist could never have enough time or energy to pursue more cutting edge stories that would help his career. Whenever the journalist gets really good networking contacts at media events, the boss would start micromanaging him, or questioning the quality of his work, and use these as pretext from preventing the journalist going to any more of these events.

Every other week the boss would remind the journalist how lucky he was that he has his job, the journalist being a single working dad. It is as if the boss wanted the journalist to know that he didn’t need to give working dads the chance, given that jobs are scarce and he could have given it to other journalists without annoying baggage – like kids.

One day the boss told the journalist that he is being let go because the journalist was not doing enough cutting edge stories. Then the boss became really nice to the journalist, as if to make up for all the horrible things that the the boss has put the journalist through. The journalist was not sure what to make of this sudden show of friendliness, or how to behave.

At first the journalist tried to make peace with the boss, and became friendly to him. The boss said to the journalist that maybe he would help the journalist keep his job after all. This made the journalist happy. Then a short time (within weeks) later, the boss said that the journalist’s contract would not be renewed.

The journalist felt as if he was being played in a cruel and unusual game.

I told this journalist that he needs to keep watching his back, and that the cruel and unusual game the boss is playing is called emotional abuse.

People like this have very low self esteem, and they have learned one way of bolstering an illusion of self esteem by taking power AWAY from other people. In the workplace, this usually happens between people who are bosses and those who are subordinates, where the boss will emotionally abuse the subordinates because they are less likely to be in a position to challenge the abuser.

Emotional abuse in the workplace can also happen openly – or covertly.

If the abuser has power over a group of people, then the abuser will openly emotionally abuse several employees, because not many will challenge this behavior. But this will not prevent the emotional abuser from seeking out an easy target to secretly abuse that person. An easy target does not need to be a “weak” person – simply someone who has more at stake and therefore unable to act on impulse (like telling the abuser to “take this job and shove it”).

Emotional abuse in the workplace different from workplace aggression – but it is just as sinister if not more poisonous – because someone can be smiling at you while figuratively sinking a knife into your chest (some of these people do not even bother going for your back)! It is sinister because it seems hidden. Can you imagine trying to file an HR related complaint for emotional abuse? You would be told to “suck it up” or “grow a thicker skin”!

Debbie wrote: Jane, Thanks for this. I am currently dealing with an emotionally bullying boss. My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and I carry the health insurance hence keeping me tied to this job and she knows it. I feel so trapped and go home every night depressed and in tears. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. Monday, August 9, 2010 at 9:40 am

Jane Chin, Ph.D. wrote: Hi Debbie, I am sorry to hear about what is happening to you. One of the only ways you can change the tide with an emotionally bullying boss is by altering your own emotions (she is not likely to change unless she wants to). I know my buddhist friends may advise transforming these “abused” feelings into thoughts of compassion for the abuser (who knows if she is going through some emotional pain herself elsewhere, or in the past). I don’t know if I am enlightened enough for that yet, but I find “feelings of pity” easier to generate. You turn feelings of anger into feelings of pity for that person, as part of your own self-preservation (anger will eat you up alive from the inside). Friday, August 13, 2010 at 6:02 am

When a Depressed Person Won’t Seek Help

Wall Street Journal Link shared by my friend Steve Woodruff who said: “A really good article, which helps sketch out some of the denial process for those who are afflicted with depression.

The very last sentence is the payoff:

They made me feel safe.

It’s almost impossible for a chronically depressed person to 1) recognize it and 2) acknowledge it, unless there is a strong hedge of safety and acceptance surrounding him/her.”

The article starts:

For people suffering from depression, the advice is usually the same: Seek help.

That simple-sounding directive, however, is often difficult for those with depression to follow because one common symptom of the disease is denial or lack of awareness. This can be frustrating for well-meaning family and friends—and is one of the key ways that treating mental illness is different from treating other illnesses.

Sidebar re: Getting Around Denial [I only included the bullet points - you can read the full article online]

Experts say there are ways to circumvent a loved one’s refusal to seek help:

* BE GENTLE.

* SHARE YOUR OWN VULNERABILITY.

* STOP TRYING TO REASON.

* FOCUS ON THE PROBLEMS YOUR LOVED ONE CAN SEE.

* SUGGEST YOUR LOVED ONE SEE A GENERAL PRACTITIONER.

* WORK AS A TEAM.

* ASK FOR HELP FOR YOURSELF.

* ENLIST OTHERS.

* LEVERAGE YOUR LOVE.

Depression: Equal opportunity killer

The team did little to help. Only after tooling around the Internet did Williams self-diagnose himself with social anxiety disorder. He finally massed the courage to confront the Saints’ hidebound coach, Jim Haslett. He explained that he was seeking treatment for a psychological issue. According to Williams, Haslett used profanity to tell him, in so many words, “to stop being a baby and just play football.”

Read more: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/jon_wertheim/09/21/depression/

The Letter That Saved My Life

How writing those “last letters” helped this woman realize that she loved life – and specifically – she loved writing as part of her being alive.

People constantly told me life would get better and I said it was shit, but they were right- life does get better. Even though everything seems dark and hopeless now just know the sun is always there, right behind the clouds. Find something, anything, to make life worth it: reading, drawing, activism, running, kites, baking, writing, or meditation, anything that will make you feel. You have felt extreme pain and depression and you will be one of the few to know true happiness and bliss. I may not always been happy, but I know what happiness is.

Stigma of Suicide in Soldiers

I think this issue deals with several that we will only see more of:

- Effect of war on soldiers, before, during and after their duty of duty

- The real effect of being in war on soldiers’ mental health

- That suicide in soldiers is not just a suicide-stigma issue, but a real mental health issue.

VISIT STORY

This is why I see this as a mental health issue – not only the social stigma of suicide, which is also a real one. People do not commit suicide for no apparent reason – there is often a real mental health issue underlying the suicide, especially in the case of military professionals.