Some History on my Motivation to be a Mediator

As an over stimulated middle child in a large family with three brothers and a younger sister, and two parents who bickered and fought daily; I knew in my heart there was another way for people to peacefully co-exist that involved much more kindness.

After years of violent outbursts and dangerous physical scuffles my parents separated in 1968 and divorced when I was eleven.

My first remarkable mediation session occurred in 70s when I was a teenager. I sat my family down at the dining room table.

A mode of facilitation came out of me that could only have been guided by spirit; as it was not premeditated.  And I had no training at that point; just a gift for understanding a deeper truth. And an incredibly vivid imagination for how people could relate; what they could acknowledge that might help them see each other more fully. I felt drawn to bring forth something beyond the surface underneath what people are generally willing to reveal.

“Mom”, I said very matter-of-factly, “I know dad loves you.” 

My dad’s head sunk to his hands on the table and he wept.  

I am sure my dad had not felt seen as loving my mother in a really long time.  And I had only seen my dad cry once my whole life and that was after a hardball hit his face and shattered the bone beneath his eye, and we got stuck in traffic for two hours taking him to a hospital.  

My comment to my family, tapped into a very raw area. It was a direct contradiction to a negative reality.  I saw instantly there had to be a way for us all to hear both sides, in due time, gently. I held space for us all to more deeply feel the truth in what I had brought forward; to see a wider view more fully.  

I knew in my bones there was love deep inside; regardless of how they acted.

“Dad, I said turning to him, I know mom loves you too.”  Something my mother felt inclined to deny.  

Of course, this had significant impact on him as well, because it just was not what showed on the outside. She did nothing but insult and blame him in vitriolic tones. That was not a good way to express love. 

In those moments I could see the depth of the injuries they both carried regarding not being or feeling loved, as well as not expressing love in good ways.

I do not know what drove me to expose what I knew in my heart. They were terrible toward each other most of the time.  Yet I also knew they loved each other and some how acknowledging that felt like a great start to shift the difficulties between them. 

Nothing in particular has ever had a significant impact on my mom’s bitterness toward my dad. Not even his death.

Yet that day, I clearly saw the initial attractive passion they each had for each other was not aligned with how they treated each other… that discrepancy that could not be reconciled caused so much suffering in each other it was blinding.

I enjoy seeing a wider view with compassionate eyes.

In college I took classes in Behavior Sciences. In 1990s I took a few different classes in Mediation.   My first exposure was through Ron Luyet a counselor at the Institute for Personal Change. (http://www.theprocessworks.org/).  He offered an impressive mediation class that included  BATNA  (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement).  I loved this framework because it brought bottom line fears to the surface and address what people get if they cannot agree and knowing that in advance seems to help people work with each other better.

In 1998, I felt so struck with heartbreaking upset about the news of a kid stockpiling guns and ammunition and shooting up Columbine High School, that I made a pact with myself to figure out a way to help under-dogged people get their needs met long before they turn into a gun-toting killer.  

So many innocent lives were lost for the lack of health and well being in an unsupervised teen with enough freedom and money to collect an armory and act on premeditated heinous intentions. Something in our society was blatantly not sufficiently addressed. And I wanted to create better outcomes of disgruntled people.

I got trained in a few different modalities and certified in 1998 and retook the certification class in 2000... and then furthered my exploration of Non-Violent communication working with Marshal Rosenberg in Berkeley, CA and joined local NVC practice groups whenever I could. 

I discovered Effective Communication taught by Selwa Said in Monterey, CA and enjoyed years of her profound teaching.

I also got involved with AVP – Alternatives to Violence Project – which is a program the Quakers came up with for a prisons that is taught by volunteers.  I am also fond of Bo Lozo's Ashram Prison Project and may some day work with inmates.

I got into mediation out of a passion to make a difference in this world for those who have suffered feeling under-dogged... to the point that they are inclined to lash out and cause violent or harm others.  I know how painful it is to feel powerless and I wanted to help others see new possibilities of ways to be empowered without harming or threatening others. I am determined to help facilitate better understandings and find positive resolutions.

I took evening classes in psychology at Stanford, including The Science Of the Compassionate Mind with Kelly McGonigal. 

I also have read and deeply studied Laura Davis's book "I Thought We Would Never Speak Again" in 2001 (A book I highly recommend), which led me to expand my offer to the community to include discussion groups on conflict resolution and reconciliation. 

My initial inspiration was to help high school students, work with teachers, parents and teenagers at risk for going rogue with weapons to have the last word.  I suppose it is hard to identify them in advance.

Creating this website is one aspect of getting the word out about how I want to make a difference.

While working as a volunteer at PCRC   (http://www.pcrcweb.org/ ) in San Mateo and Palo Alto Mediation Program (http://paloaltomediation.org/home.html), we were given mostly Landlord/Tenant cases and I realized my passion was for working with teens, families and especially couples.

I preferred to work with people who with more invested in a peaceful relationship, versus only settling a financial issue. When people began with a lovely history with each other they more reason to reconcile. Though I still work with landlords and renter, it is much more satisfying when clients want something more than simply settling money and never see the other again.

I was also able to equally support both parties and hold space for very peaceful clarifying conversations while offering mediation sessions involving friends. This is often discouraged, due to potential siding with a preferred party, yet we found it worked remarkably well.

Over the years I have offered sessions to people in need of sorting out conflicting issues.  Recently getting training in Circling with “The Circling Institute” I got reminded of how powerfully in need all people are of being heard well and deeply seen.