Out of Place Note

I am fortunate enough to take college classes at both Drexel and UPenn, and while it is an experience I share with a few fellow high school students, I often find myself alone and out of place in such environments. For me, one of the most horribly awkward feelings of my life is walking those neighboring campuses, but it shouldn’t be so at all. That’s what I think to myself as I try to stop worrying and instead take in the scenery of the grassy campuses, the bustle of the thousands of students making their way to class, yet the relaxation they emit while living their everyday lives. I could always play it off as being a simple high school student walking through the campus, either as a visitor or as someone who lives nearby.

But then comes the time when my brain imagines the real problem: walking into the actual Drexel and Penn buildings. As I feel the cool air conditioning on my body and hear the sounds of other students chatting on the stairs, I know I don’t look physically old enough to be a college student. As a result, I feel as though I need to make up for it by acting like one. The only issue is that I’m not. I pretend to know a building by heart while having never been there before, constantly going in circles looking for that one elusive room. 

Another awkward feeling is when I’m waiting around on the campus, as I try to find something to do, somewhere to go, but don’t have anything. It seems like every bench is sat on, every table outside the cafe occupied, every patch of green grass used by a group of actual college students; there’s nowhere for me to take a break. So then, I end up wandering aimlessly, feeling as though I look incredibly stupid.

I don’t know why I choose to keep my identity as a high school student hidden, yet I constantly try to. I fear if others find out I’m younger than all of them, but doing the same work and succeeding as much as them, they will either be angrily jealous of me or distance me for being different. My existence feels like bragging.

It constantly feels as though everybody’s eyes are on me, the small, younger looking outlier of the class, especially as I walk into a classroom where everybody seems to have a friend to talk to except for me. But I’m definitely overreacting right? Nobody really cares that much, and besides, I don’t look enough out of the ordinary to raise too much “suspicion”. And yet I continue to stress.