Allen: "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Allen: "Eighty percent of success is showing up."

Allen: "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

Allen: "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Allen: "It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

Allen: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

Allen: "You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

Allen: "I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

Allen: "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

Allen: "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Allen: "Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."

Allen: "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

Allen: "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

Allen: "Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."

Allen: "Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."

Allen: "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

Allen: "Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea."

Allen: "Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun."